Monster part two

I feel this linger in me
Lingering deep down
until suddenly the urge is there
begging me to devour

saliva increases
satisfaction wanted
I dont know what do
I have stop for so long
but still i find me in mindless disaster

mindless messes of the mind
am i fuckin insane
often crosses my mind
as my desires my nafs fill my heart
leaving filled with satisfaction dank desires

in the midst of reality
i am brought to the surface of oxygen
deep breathes are needed
before i find myself in my mindful illusion
again some satisfies me more that devouring

its part of me
my mind it was always there since the beginning
since i can remember some say
get help
go home
go to the hospital

I have gone home
I am safe here
Home is where the heart is
Don't let the nafs control you
dont let devouring control you

I have many scars you see them
internal or external
there part of me
some fade but i still remember them all
They are healed
I no longer hate
I am peaceful
One can only hope

Some will say because of me
I'm not pure
because of my so called disorders
I didn't choose this bullshit
you just don't understand
Don't sweat it
I got it
I am me
I not perfect
no one is in this world

So i am left alone to devour let the monster inside of me breath

Free

I dont feel lost
I thought i would
I used to feel lost all the time
but i had a home with God in my heart
but there was oppression there
i didnt feel free

please dont drag me down
i dont mean to hurt anyones feelings
this is not meant for you
but for me
for i am free
liberated from my nafs
i still have desires dont get me wrong
but i no longer feel regret for acting on some that were deemed haram in Gods eyes

Please dont judge me
be merciful
its in your nature
God didnt give it to you
we all have it
that little light inside
make good or bad
Fuck that
who says its bad to be Bi
I'll tell anyone religious or not that its ok to be Gay
to have compassion of there so called God

I dont know if nightmares or dreams of the past
but i still feel myself listening to Quran its just islam is not for me
There is no God in my heart
That feeling left many days ago

I feel liberated
Free
Home is where the heart is
no more guilt for what i am
no more hurt or tears

Just tears of joy for now on
because im free
from religious judgement
and i could care less what your God thinks of me
I am not burdened by that anymore
noor has left me
maybe ill be shrouded in darkness

I doubt that
because i may i have lost the ummah
I may miss them
but
I have friends
who are less judgemental
who are free as well

So here i am
Being
once again
in my travels
Surely this in the end
perhaps not
for I am free of  the burdens of Allah
so there will be surely new beginnings

Nothing

nothing
i came from nothing
despair had conquered me
nothing could phase me
Despair was in my walk
Shaytan had me in his grasp
as  i believed in falseness

Then i thought i found it
it was so pure
I wrote it
I felt it
I needed it
because the despair was destorying my soul
Little did i know that my spirit was being oppressed
but that little light of mine
kept me afloat for another time

I need the structure
I came from nothing
nothing i was
Despair walked in my path
I wanted nothing but to devour

Took me a while to stop devouring
I believe the spirit came to me
do you know what spirit is?
It was showed to me with kindness and compassion
But without islam i would have not found Haq
I came from nothing
and i feel as though i was nothing

I prayed to Allah only to releize that love for him was wasted for Allah is merciful but Allah is wrathful

So in my walk i came across a man
I studied him before
but i was blinded
Because I hated God
I truly hated him
He took my father from me but i realize now
That i have enternal father that is Abba

I came from nothing but despair
I lacked in the compassion within the world and believed in conquer of Good
I admit this now
I allowed the despair to twist and mold me
but spirit was there

I was once told ill never be of the elected
But did you know
That God loved the world so Much he sent his Only begotten Son to die for us for our sins
This is Haq i believe
In the scripture it is said that Jesus said before Abraham I am, also it is noted he there is other way to Father except through me.
This it self is clear
That is you allow the spirit to consume your soul

Charka
Life source
Power
Strive to please God
Obey Him

Abba did not change his mind
remeber that
But Abba loves his children
We are his alone
he created us
i could be wrong on this
but he created to worship him alone with no other Gods or idols
So be it i shall worship him

But mostly I shall seek compassion in him
Compassion in God that he will it to return to Humanity
Truely we humans are rooted to evil in this world
We are wrapped around shaytans little finger as he snickers as defy God
He whispers
He send his army
I know
I was wrapped around in that
When i was nothing but despair
I had nothing
Then I found islam
Allah of the Quran may have been false because muhammad truely was not a man of God
He did not perform mircles
H/e was driven by lust
Would Godly man be such
He would devout himself to Abba not his nafs his desires his lust

I do not claim he is prophet of God any longer
Im a deviant
I heard from man of God that God loves deviants
how so
despair has corrupted my heart to degree as im not rational
Irrational thoughts flood my mind

Lets start again
God is Love
God is merciful
God has compassion
Be
Rational
I know its hard
But it will help you
because when you have nothing
now you have something
that is love
that is spirit
The Holy Spirit protects you
you are more than nothing
you are child of God
And God truly loves you
That is Haq