New begginings

Today is a day to truly celebrate
A time for new renewals
Revive your time with one another

I do recall we start anew each day as though we were a blank canvas

Another time we swaying in the wind as gold and red leaves pile below us
Waiting for us to jump in that pile
Remembering that child inside

This time around where i am from
individual unique snowflakes land on a child's tongue
as some of where the more adventurous and stuck out tongues to posts in the frozen cold winter
Oh what a sight as a remember both within my mind

Remember to let that child out in your adulthood
explore wonder think outside the box
explode in flavors of the rainbow

Here we are again
back to the canvas
something changed
Splish sploosh splash
vibrant colours
are around us
making it light
Hopefully it will bring wonder to the hearts who see it
I know it did for me

New beginnings my friends
new beginnings
will bring you good fortune
so stock on that lettuce
he he ho ha ha

Monster part two

I feel this linger in me
Lingering deep down
until suddenly the urge is there
begging me to devour

saliva increases
satisfaction wanted
I dont know what do
I have stop for so long
but still i find me in mindless disaster

mindless messes of the mind
am i fuckin insane
often crosses my mind
as my desires my nafs fill my heart
leaving filled with satisfaction dank desires

in the midst of reality
i am brought to the surface of oxygen
deep breathes are needed
before i find myself in my mindful illusion
again some satisfies me more that devouring

its part of me
my mind it was always there since the beginning
since i can remember some say
get help
go home
go to the hospital

I have gone home
I am safe here
Home is where the heart is
Don't let the nafs control you
dont let devouring control you

I have many scars you see them
internal or external
there part of me
some fade but i still remember them all
They are healed
I no longer hate
I am peaceful
One can only hope

Some will say because of me
I'm not pure
because of my so called disorders
I didn't choose this bullshit
you just don't understand
Don't sweat it
I got it
I am me
I not perfect
no one is in this world

So i am left alone to devour let the monster inside of me breath

Free

I dont feel lost
I thought i would
I used to feel lost all the time
but i had a home with God in my heart
but there was oppression there
i didnt feel free

please dont drag me down
i dont mean to hurt anyones feelings
this is not meant for you
but for me
for i am free
liberated from my nafs
i still have desires dont get me wrong
but i no longer feel regret for acting on some that were deemed haram in Gods eyes

Please dont judge me
be merciful
its in your nature
God didnt give it to you
we all have it
that little light inside
make good or bad
Fuck that
who says its bad to be Bi
I'll tell anyone religious or not that its ok to be Gay
to have compassion of there so called God

I dont know if nightmares or dreams of the past
but i still feel myself listening to Quran its just islam is not for me
There is no God in my heart
That feeling left many days ago

I feel liberated
Free
Home is where the heart is
no more guilt for what i am
no more hurt or tears

Just tears of joy for now on
because im free
from religious judgement
and i could care less what your God thinks of me
I am not burdened by that anymore
noor has left me
maybe ill be shrouded in darkness

I doubt that
because i may i have lost the ummah
I may miss them
but
I have friends
who are less judgemental
who are free as well

So here i am
Being
once again
in my travels
Surely this in the end
perhaps not
for I am free of  the burdens of Allah
so there will be surely new beginnings

Nothing

nothing
i came from nothing
despair had conquered me
nothing could phase me
Despair was in my walk
Shaytan had me in his grasp
as  i believed in falseness

Then i thought i found it
it was so pure
I wrote it
I felt it
I needed it
because the despair was destorying my soul
Little did i know that my spirit was being oppressed
but that little light of mine
kept me afloat for another time

I need the structure
I came from nothing
nothing i was
Despair walked in my path
I wanted nothing but to devour

Took me a while to stop devouring
I believe the spirit came to me
do you know what spirit is?
It was showed to me with kindness and compassion
But without islam i would have not found Haq
I came from nothing
and i feel as though i was nothing

I prayed to Allah only to releize that love for him was wasted for Allah is merciful but Allah is wrathful

So in my walk i came across a man
I studied him before
but i was blinded
Because I hated God
I truly hated him
He took my father from me but i realize now
That i have enternal father that is Abba

I came from nothing but despair
I lacked in the compassion within the world and believed in conquer of Good
I admit this now
I allowed the despair to twist and mold me
but spirit was there

I was once told ill never be of the elected
But did you know
That God loved the world so Much he sent his Only begotten Son to die for us for our sins
This is Haq i believe
In the scripture it is said that Jesus said before Abraham I am, also it is noted he there is other way to Father except through me.
This it self is clear
That is you allow the spirit to consume your soul

Charka
Life source
Power
Strive to please God
Obey Him

Abba did not change his mind
remeber that
But Abba loves his children
We are his alone
he created us
i could be wrong on this
but he created to worship him alone with no other Gods or idols
So be it i shall worship him

But mostly I shall seek compassion in him
Compassion in God that he will it to return to Humanity
Truely we humans are rooted to evil in this world
We are wrapped around shaytans little finger as he snickers as defy God
He whispers
He send his army
I know
I was wrapped around in that
When i was nothing but despair
I had nothing
Then I found islam
Allah of the Quran may have been false because muhammad truely was not a man of God
He did not perform mircles
H/e was driven by lust
Would Godly man be such
He would devout himself to Abba not his nafs his desires his lust

I do not claim he is prophet of God any longer
Im a deviant
I heard from man of God that God loves deviants
how so
despair has corrupted my heart to degree as im not rational
Irrational thoughts flood my mind

Lets start again
God is Love
God is merciful
God has compassion
Be
Rational
I know its hard
But it will help you
because when you have nothing
now you have something
that is love
that is spirit
The Holy Spirit protects you
you are more than nothing
you are child of God
And God truly loves you
That is Haq

Dedicated to John

Here we are once again
-----------------------------
Sometime we find ourselves here
outside the fold, on a formiliar page
like a blank canvas , water stained from the tears
I am feeling the sorrow of yours
I know the feeling of losing someone
Know them all their life till the end
seeing them hours minutes milliseconds
The hours turn to days
I wipe my brows and hang my head in sorrow
She really will be missed
But she will live on in our hearts and more importantly our minds
For she truly touched my heart
When i first heard of her sickness
I fell to my knees
praying to God to save her
maybe i am but a fool
at least i can admit i was but a fool because i didn't realize how precious time truly was
Hope don't lose that grasp
Its a tricky thing, for me anyways
Turn to others those close around you
don't be afraid I'm trying not to be
its okay to grieve
to let out tears of joy and sorry for the good memories will come soon after
mix and match here we are again
within the fold
awaiting another day hopefully far from now when we all will miss out on another leaving this plain
so my friend
im not to far
but my sympathy to you and your family

Summer 2014

I decided to be me
ME alone
Yea im a christian and i love Jesus as my Lord and savior!
I rarely judge people so i expect the same in return
its all about me
you know i have a doctor say that to me in a mental hostipal that you out in life for self

Self until you produce an offspring or now adays a debt to society
I am a christian but i dont go around doing Abba the fathers job about judgeing people
that is for God alone
and if that statement makes you all huffy then sorry for being me again
im happy the way i am
i may be low educated but at least i got the ilm
and shame on you for saying your a knowledge seeker and you dont know ilm
Brothers Sisters Humans Heathens i adress you to this
you maybe truth seekers and well there is truth dont give up
and dont lose Hope
I hope im right God only knows

Being me again
I go to church sometimes more than one i like to refresh my deen gain a diffirent ilm of the day month or second,
I had a time of mania for the first time with a label for it
it caught my attention from so called lack of attention the ADD the stupid one the distruptive one
I tried in school but i was going through my shit dealing with family and me
disorder molding bubbleing in action ready to burst
they didnt know about that then
but i know now finally i understand thank oh Marion
what a help she was to me

I am not of the elected
 never have i claimed so
but i truly believe that i am saved because i accept Christ into my heart and spirit
So the holy spirit shall birth its fruits of devine light to a true follow of Lord almighty
Heavenly Father, Jesus son of Abba King of Kings

If that makes kaffir then so what i dont need you
because im doing it for me alone
i strive to be good pious person
A women of God
but i have my deviant side my flaws
but ill never denounce it
never ever because its not a choice for me
But im not going to give in to all my nafs
because i have to balanace things out
im a good person im nice to people
but everyone has their limit

and its no secret that i got that ginger rage
Smash
anyways
back to me
I dont like all these labels but if you must here i go
NO
dont give it to that bullshit
sorry for my fowl mouth but i wont sit and converse with myself argueing nit picking back and forth
so who really is the sane one you my friends or me instead
Im not sane, im perfectly happy being insane special Lindsey

that me
im out for me
But with me is God and without him ill truly be lost
but happiness is but illusion for people like me
when you need the medication to survive
what a cruel world we live in might as well die now
not my time
even though not to long ago i stood in my kitchen with dull knive to my throat
it did nothing Thank God as cry myself to sleep so where i am not as fall creeps and yet another death arrises
mourning here for now and mourning for then the past its going be rough
but got remeber im not alone to reaht out not be hermit read fool read
seek that iilm and be close to God

But i openly admit that i am a sexual deviant in torah bible and quran so i guess im fucked there therefore i am not elected as i said before

I said enough finially
Do you for you, the me in all of us but keep faith in your path be that Godly or threw humanity
Keep the peace

Wanting

I tired
tired of this
i truly know what to do now
some may call me a heathen
where others love me for me

I think im going to leave my church
well im going tell my church who i truly am
and if they label me a monster than so be it
im trying  to control my nafs
but not all nafs are bad

so sometimes the bible says if you lay with another man you go to hell
well i disagree
Didnt Jesus die for us
for our sins
why is it that people go around pointing fingers
saying who is deviant and who is not

id say look in the mirror
are you doing wrong
i like to thing im a good person
im nice to people
i have a kind heart
and kindered soul

i admit im irrational deviant being
so you may disagree with me
a friend did say to me
why is it you choose faiths that attack your very being
he proved to me that impunishimg myself but truly im done with that

im tired of hiding who i am
those who follow my poetry and have read all it
know i have refered to being a monster
well monster i am no longer
im free to be me
God said be so here i am

so my friends will you shun me
like the muslims did
it was hard being gay and muslim
can i be gay and christian
i think it possible
God is just
God is good


he knows whats in the hearts of everyone
so why i say
does everyone point there fingers and say what deviant heathen i am
I went topride event last night
and met up with a minister
who was out
who was gay and who was kind
perhaps ill talk to him again
and truly perhaps i will see another side of christianty

because what my church preaches is to condum me
why
what have i done other than be who i am
i havent killed anyone
i havent done wrong in a long time
and i have repented

but dont get me wrong
im still christian
im just trying to find my path
so please my friends set me free
let be me
the kindered soul that i am
so we shall meet now in this reality
and hopefully the hereafter