lost

Darkness where does it come from
inside of me
I feel as though nothing can break through the barrier that I have made
I feel strong
Yet I need substances to get me through the day
When will I be able to just rely on self

Darkness cannot exist without Light
like I said before shade is produced when both dark and light collide
shade as said to be mental disorders
of any kind
For me its the borderline
I dont know what to do
Take a pill
make it all go away
for a time
that is just a small temporary solution to a bigger problem

Deep breathes
Close my eyes
eye lids heavy with watery tears ever flowing down my face
I am lost within the midst of my mind
Screaming on the inside
I have said before nothing will get me down
but I have begged God to save me from myself

Yet here I am again in my rambles of my lost solitude
My mind is stable
So it seems to the naked eye as pears upon me
I smile remember to smile with your eyes
if you do so its quite the reminder to keep the heart light
As I remember the past
my father who hath passed so long ago
I punish myself souly because its been so long I have forgotten his words his voice
When family come to me and say that I am just like him
I just want to fall to my knees and cry out every tear
I miss him so much yet I barely know him
This must be my punishment
Afterall we are living in own personal hell

I dont know what the night holds for me
I reach out and nothing
my friends dont understand
even though they go through the darkness and take a pill for a solution
Perhaps this is mistake this life
and I should just end it....

Well is that the right choice to end my own life
Probually not
but why did God put the memory of me within me having blades in my hand
maybe im going insane
maybe time will tell

Without him I am Lost

I feel my heart pound away
not sleeping surely done its toll
memories are faded within the dust of past
will this be my solitude into the abyss of memories
I shed tears of agony
only to feel worthless
I want to take the blade in my hand
I want too
but I wont I have eman
It keeps me close to God to Allah
as I make dua to him alone
Oh Allah save me from myself
make it easier for me
yet its not
each passing minute is horror to me
my heart trembles as it beats away
Why must I deal with external pain in my heart
But at las it remains a mystery why
So I revert back to natural way
maybe its good maybe its not
Deep breaths keeps the mind stable and calm
with this I think to myself
I can conquer all that is written in this test mine
For I am never alone for Allah on is my side
Small breathes now
As tears roll my down my cheeks
are they for joy or despair Allahu allim
I think that I am thankful for this test of mine
even it pains me so
That I want to taste the bullet
Thank God I don't own a pistol
For I surely would perished long ago
Even if I'm on the ground worshiping my Lord
I am walking with despair
My only savior is Allah
I seek refuge in him alone
From the whispers of Satan
His whispers are harsh on my heart
As the beats rapidly
and painfully
It will not get me down
For I have Allah on my side
no matter how manic I become
How insane I feel
I see now that its Allah in me that reaches out for help
So brethen of the ummah
Will you help me in this solitude of my soul
As it clings to my spirit
Ready for it to be released
The time has not come
the Hour still ticks
The beat wraps in rhythm
La illah il Allah
That is the words that always ring my mind
Not the monsters that claw deep in me
For I'm a warrior
Remember this Ukhti
Never give up
After all like it truly a struggle to survive
I take this Jihad as my own burden
But it will never completely consume me
For even when my back is turned to Allah
He loves me
Its unconditional Love
That is Allah's alone his mercy to his slaves
be thankful for that Alhamduillah
Allahu Akbar
God is the greatest
Hopefully this will help for you
as much as did for me oh ummah
May Allah grant you Jannah in the hightest record
Inshallah tallah ameen