Without him I am Lost

I feel my heart pound away
not sleeping surely done its toll
memories are faded within the dust of past
will this be my solitude into the abyss of memories
I shed tears of agony
only to feel worthless
I want to take the blade in my hand
I want too
but I wont I have eman
It keeps me close to God to Allah
as I make dua to him alone
Oh Allah save me from myself
make it easier for me
yet its not
each passing minute is horror to me
my heart trembles as it beats away
Why must I deal with external pain in my heart
But at las it remains a mystery why
So I revert back to natural way
maybe its good maybe its not
Deep breaths keeps the mind stable and calm
with this I think to myself
I can conquer all that is written in this test mine
For I am never alone for Allah on is my side
Small breathes now
As tears roll my down my cheeks
are they for joy or despair Allahu allim
I think that I am thankful for this test of mine
even it pains me so
That I want to taste the bullet
Thank God I don't own a pistol
For I surely would perished long ago
Even if I'm on the ground worshiping my Lord
I am walking with despair
My only savior is Allah
I seek refuge in him alone
From the whispers of Satan
His whispers are harsh on my heart
As the beats rapidly
and painfully
It will not get me down
For I have Allah on my side
no matter how manic I become
How insane I feel
I see now that its Allah in me that reaches out for help
So brethen of the ummah
Will you help me in this solitude of my soul
As it clings to my spirit
Ready for it to be released
The time has not come
the Hour still ticks
The beat wraps in rhythm
La illah il Allah
That is the words that always ring my mind
Not the monsters that claw deep in me
For I'm a warrior
Remember this Ukhti
Never give up
After all like it truly a struggle to survive
I take this Jihad as my own burden
But it will never completely consume me
For even when my back is turned to Allah
He loves me
Its unconditional Love
That is Allah's alone his mercy to his slaves
be thankful for that Alhamduillah
Allahu Akbar
God is the greatest
Hopefully this will help for you
as much as did for me oh ummah
May Allah grant you Jannah in the hightest record
Inshallah tallah ameen