deep down

I hate it sometimes
This feeling deep down
that surfaces
and i left to feel it
its just brings me into depression
Wanting nothing more to cut
cut out the feeling
but now im surpressing even the self harm
im starting to not care again
wanting to end it all
i dreamed that i died and then i awoke
how did i die in my dream but by my own hands
that is shall it be
but you shouldnt think this way
afterall God is on your side
so dont lose your Hope
But how can i grasp such hope
when feeling in utter darkness soon the smptiness will come
everyone is mad at me i feel
maybe this isnt the right situation
perhaps i need to find a diffirent one
but i cant
I just want to give up
as a stare into space thinking about how to end it
maybe its time to visit my doctor
afterall my own sister said to me if gets worse
there is always the hostipal
to sit in the little white room and ponder about depression
i dont seek that but at least im somewhat safe
what if though
what if they admit me
what if im sent to away
no i dont want to go
ill just face the emptiness
and let the blood flow one way or another
but please dont cut
dont worry myself i wont
because the scars arent worth it
i found another way
that hurts much more
and it worthy of this soul
to take the flame against the flesh
but one cannot devour
i dont care i just want this depression gone
dont forget you have God on your side
he died for you
so dont self harm
i only pounder about it
i havent done any yet
but thanks for the concern
i think if the days keep going like this
ill end up somewhere
either the hostipal or ...
welll best not dwell
in you life of sorrows
Hold on to your Hope for your sanity is near it
and without you are truly lost
and without God
Blessed Father
please capture this darkness from me
for you are my shields and Jesus is my sword
We together shall conquer the emptiness
one can only hope

are we worth it?

Stubborn towards God doesnt do any good
Just takes us away from our Lord
We think we are better
How wrong are we
WE arent worthy of his mercy that he gives us
But God is merciful and forgiving
We are lucky to have a master as such as him
His grace sent his son to sacarfice to his self for us
for our sins so for now we are sinners
but us sinners have our champion that fights for us
what shall we do for our Lord
Repent for we truly need it
Hold yourself still for grasp of desperation
a desprate breath as we shake before our creatior
For Abba hold you tight from shayton on the final day
if you truly worthy that is
only are you if you live and breath for your Lord
So i leave you to ponder upon which step you shall take next
All praises to our lord and savior Jesus christ

Warmth

I reach out to the sky
Only to feel warmth unto me from our savior
his sweet whisper
my heart overflows
What did he say?
Rather what did i feel
Warmth to bring unto others to witness the good news
I am learning first hand what Christ had taught
I hope I have a home
within the kingdom of God
My leader who passes the knowledge onwards
His heart has the right intention
To praise God, to follow him into the light
Preach the word
So my pastor I pray that you stand tall against shaytan
that you shall not weaken in your faith
That you only kneel to our savior and lord Jesus
In Jesus name amen

The word

be this word that was left
swallow me whole
my heart but weeps joyus tears to the heart and soul
thank you oh lord for guiding me to this place of worship
Oh Abba holds me tight
from the clutches of satan
For satan tries to break Gods grasp on me
it but lingers in the mist of deseption
my faith shall not waiver
again i hear that fowl snicker of the old dirty devil
but not here
not in this place of worship and praise
Remeber to keep faith in God
Trust our lord and savior Jesus
For he died for our sins
so we could go on living in this world of fools
so read that word read the new the good news
for it was given to us by out Lord
Worry not for God is on your side
Trust in God always

Change

do you realize that people can change
i admit im not perfect and some days i show more than inperfection
but just because i say i feel like cutting
doesnt mean i want to
i was reaching out
for comfort from a friend
what do i get but a backstab from them
shame on me for trusting someone online
shame on me for trusting myself
Change is needed
but something i cannot change
I cant change my spirit my soul
but the heart does change
Im getting better
i can feel it in myheart
this new relationship i have with my savior
is overflowing within my heart
maybe its the medication as well
for i feel more stable
its been for sure 2 months since i last self harmed
i want to keep it that way
because my savior didnt die for me for me to take out it on myself
he died for me
so i can worship him, love him, witness for him
ill get down to witnessing soon
just got to figure out my faith first
so that deviant wind wont make me bend in my faith
for that old dirty devil snickers as he breaths that breath of deviant wind
its from that fowl wind that causes my devaint streek
but im changeing
akhi
im changeing
i feel happier thanks to the grace of God
thanks to the help to my friend and sister ukhti
she set me straight not to trust the fools on the net
for it will hurt me more
but enough of that
i have changed
and i will changed more
so dont judge me
thats Abbas job
not yours
some people cant change
but thats not me
for i want to better myself
so i can be close to Jesus my Lord and Savior
so my friends who are reading
tend not to judge
because you may hurt a feeling or so
and cause a blade to slice
but that battle was won
and the war goes onwards
for God Jesus almighty in on my side
So i end this now
Shaytan you will not win
for God will conquer you
chain you down
weld you face
so you cannot snicker
cannot whisper
cannot lead your army
Oh God almighty grant this for its the betterment of mankind
but its only a request for God knows best
in Jesus name
Amen

its ended

What have i dont
rather than trusting someone
maybe ill finally learn that not everyone is as they seem
maybe some people hide who they are because they so fowl inside that they need to be nice to attract other nice people
i dont know why you hate me
i thought we were friends
yet you go behide my back and backbite me
say im not christian because of my sins
hate to break it to you
but i am christian
God is my witness
i dont refer to God as Allah anymore
but as Christ Jesus and Abba the Father
if you talked to me lately
you would know im learning
i dont need this hate put towards me
i hope we never meet paths again
for shaytan has whispered in your heart
to hurt someone
our Lord and savior Jesus wouldnt do that
he would love me
tell me to keep on learning
as i am daily
sure i go to my friends for advice
and you call them misguided
you judge me harshly
and i never did anything to you
i simiply didnt agree with you
and now i see your true face
truly you are the two faced wicked one not me nor my friends
i need this poetry to express my hurt
what i read on what you said about me
brought many tears to my face
but you will not make me bend in your blow
i stand strong beside my Lord and savior Jesus christ
As Abba will hold me tight as a father doe to his child
and He will protect me from such hate
i hope he will grant me fissrah to see unseen
to be able tostop me from trusting gits such as yourself
i thought we were friends but i guess not
so please
i beg
leave me be

What life is meant to be...

I love life
Sometimes i take such for granted
just like my brethen
I have come a long way
I am now able to reconize the darkness the emptiness
dont getme wrong just like all it still happens
but now im able to feel the light unto my heart
and reach for the sky arms in the sky
praises God almighty for placing me here right now
at this time i finally understand somewhat
im learning more and more each day
making friends as i go
i yearn for the conversations the ilm
knowledge bested for your sisters and brother within christ
I have decided to take my deviant side
and control it for a good because God so loved the earth he sent his only begotten son to be sarcerficed for all of our sins
well
I feel this light
each time i praise remeberance and worship thy Lord and Savior, im not afraid to name him Jesus Christ Lord
Some people are afraid of offending someone so they will just refer to the Father, but you cannot knowth thy father without knowth Christ Jesus
So my Savior Jesus my Lord what have you for me al qadar you say
pre destiny so my path is already written but you fool me and smile its not for my concern
I understand now that i read the word that water is need for baptism
i thought spiritual was good enough
but the word was said by the Lord Jesus that without spiritual and water ye shall not be saved
Truly we dont know if we are saved fully
in the end we stand before God the Father and Jesus Son of God
and we will find out then if we truly were saved after years of assuming such
but my friend in Christ
worry not
just pick up the word
and read daily
take the word and reflect
live to him according and be just and rightous so be that shall God be with you when your time hath come
its been a while for me like ten years since i read the word
so im so blissful and happy to be taught once again by the word now that my wall has broken and hardened heart was made to flesh
so sisters and brothers
what will you do when faced upon that sin
will you strive to please our Lord or your very whims
God only knows
but remember without him you truly have become lost from humanity
and sanity will lose its grasp to hope
So to avoid such
Read and seek the ilm the knowledge
even its a verse a day read and remeber without him you shall lose and perish within fire
so seek knowledge and understanding that compassion and rightisnesss is those who practice such is close to Lord but without the Holy spirit to guide your every being you will not find it
So hold onto your Hope for your Sanity is near it

Guide me

What had this world come to
When those being oppressed
are just falling towards the bad
bad for self images
how are we truly free in the west
when a women has to be half starved and naked
to feel beautiful
What kind of example are we showing children
when we hate our selves if such way
that we resort to self multiateing ways
cursing ourselves calling us forsaken before God
He but lent our bodies to us
So why do we damage so
I know im one to talk
having over 100 scars
More so on my soul are they being cured
Deliverance is needed to cure the unwell
so a friend told me anyways
i dont really understand it
but this is not about it
its about oppression
I truly pray that these days we are facing that my generation and the next will change
not repeat the paths of forefathers
Media i will not fall for you blindness properganda
you will not control me
I dont need to be size zero to feel pretty
afterall beauty is in the eye of beholder
I know im in danger with my health but its my choice
just because you see me do not pity me
Glamor here and there
Nafs desires and unlawful things
God I call upon you to take me from myself
and my desires to devour
Devour is an uncontrolable desire
But that old dirty devil as he smiles
at me when i but cry in a mirror for the scars i have done to me
For my savior died for my sins
So i vow for the first time i will avenge those feelings of emptiness
and seek out dilverance from my Lord and Savior Jesus the most high
Please oh holy spirit consume me so the emptiness will not control me
as a friend said you can be set free from all those bad things that are hurting you
I dont hate myself
But id be lying to say i regret taking those steps that led to devouring
So please those who are reading keep me in your prayers as i try to keep you all in my own
God willing
With this new generations to come we wont fall for that devils old tricks
Dont let that whip lash you
Im begging you Lord guide me onto your holy of holiness
Let that Holy Spirit control me
to bring those around me onto the good news and the word
afterall my brothers and sisters we are all witnesses

Crumble

I feel like my world as i know it
Is about to crumble
my hand tremor
due to an old wound
will i ever be free of the scars i have
people see them and only question and judge
they seem to not understand that i was nessary at the time
and even now
it is needed
but why do i think such a way
Am truly irrational in the mindset
Irrational when it comes to making the right call
All i want is to end it
but my faith in God keeps me somewhat balanced
I need to greive
I dont know how
Im trying but it seems not hard enough
Im losing friends as i drift
gaining some along
but i never wanted to lose any to start with
as i make friends for life
I took a pill
one my doctor gave me
if only they helped
i feel like my medication in barely helping me
and i dont know what to do
im afraid to stop them
because im much worse off them
perhaps i should call someone who can tell me whats going on
perhaps but i will probually back out
like i always do
im sorry for stateing the same ole stuff
but this is my outlet
Poem here
Poem there
Poems for all