deep down

I hate it sometimes
This feeling deep down
that surfaces
and i left to feel it
its just brings me into depression
Wanting nothing more to cut
cut out the feeling
but now im surpressing even the self harm
im starting to not care again
wanting to end it all
i dreamed that i died and then i awoke
how did i die in my dream but by my own hands
that is shall it be
but you shouldnt think this way
afterall God is on your side
so dont lose your Hope
But how can i grasp such hope
when feeling in utter darkness soon the smptiness will come
everyone is mad at me i feel
maybe this isnt the right situation
perhaps i need to find a diffirent one
but i cant
I just want to give up
as a stare into space thinking about how to end it
maybe its time to visit my doctor
afterall my own sister said to me if gets worse
there is always the hostipal
to sit in the little white room and ponder about depression
i dont seek that but at least im somewhat safe
what if though
what if they admit me
what if im sent to away
no i dont want to go
ill just face the emptiness
and let the blood flow one way or another
but please dont cut
dont worry myself i wont
because the scars arent worth it
i found another way
that hurts much more
and it worthy of this soul
to take the flame against the flesh
but one cannot devour
i dont care i just want this depression gone
dont forget you have God on your side
he died for you
so dont self harm
i only pounder about it
i havent done any yet
but thanks for the concern
i think if the days keep going like this
ill end up somewhere
either the hostipal or ...
welll best not dwell
in you life of sorrows
Hold on to your Hope for your sanity is near it
and without you are truly lost
and without God
Blessed Father
please capture this darkness from me
for you are my shields and Jesus is my sword
We together shall conquer the emptiness
one can only hope