striving to live

Striving to Live.

Live...

I want to

but at this point

my lifesource is at a strain

it pours out out of me

each tear repsents an emotion

a memory

soon forgotten by the flood of unsettled emotions

each tear drips down my cheeks

unable to resurface from this reality

I take with my hand a sharp

sliceing out the life source

uncontrolled i am

i suffer from my worst enemy that be myself

the disorder

its rules me

better not tell myself that owns me rights now

it does

for I let my desires take control of me

and with that one two three four five maybe it stopps there

numbers numbers run inside my head

quotes from sisters all around the world echo within my heart

why did God damn me so

questions arise As i ride in the ambulence to the hostipal

hoping i would aquire help there

what a fool was I

I can only help my self is allow my self to heal

healing takes time

But with the steps

1 2 3 here i come soon to come

nothing will stop me not even my desires

hopefully not even my slip ups will not be the end of me

why oh why

seven bowties in the arm

they mend me as i speak

out they go as time flows

seven more days out they go

Light wraap around me

Live for today so we dont fade away

we help eachother

please help me conquer myself my desires to harm myself

why oh why

knock knock devil at the door knock knock

will i answer it

catch my breath

Angel awaits for at the cliff to catch me before i slip

Sisters oh sisters

thank you for being there

dare to inspire

hope before my sanity is lost with hopelessness

up and down and all around

Unsure where I am
Emotions run through me like a river on the milky way
We are in the galaxy of emotions
ocean of stars
Up goes the sun the star that shines brightly
my emotions are intertwined with that light
Once upon a time up there star shineing sky
Emotions run like wild fire

Down down we go to reality
now down to earth i am grounded you would think
I just need to breath deep breathes
down are my emotions
up down and all around
a burst of rage conquers me in moments time
unable to control my hate my anger my rage
I fall to my knees
as i weep tears from my self
I dont want to be to unbalanced

Its been two months you would think the medication would still work
I was so hopeful
that this melody was right
why not just overcome the light and slice out hope
go ahead you have the means why dont you do

I breath
I see my breath within the cold morning air
life is to worth it
even if i slice out but seconds to be gone im wasteing my life
one is to many once you start to one its not enough
crismon blood holds me at bay

fuck this poem
why do i try so hard
i pick up the pieces
oh star child
gather strength from within
reach out
your worth it....

Sunrise emotions

As the sun rises
my emotions lift up with it
rise oh sun rise
lift me up to cloud 9
so serene it is up here
oh so high in the sky
I look down to my friends as their hearts reside in the sunshine

as the day passes i linger down from cloud 9 to much more level reality
uncertain am i where my feeling are
happiness at high noon
i smile its a kindness
one smile for me to smile for another for you
a good deed not to small for me
busy am i today as emotions are ever flowing
its mid afternoon and i am once unsettled
a small tear rolls down my cheeks
I brush it away quickly , hoping no one will notice
a part of me still thinks that crying is a culnerable shameful state to be in
I shake my head to get the guilt out
quickly emotions rush through as the wind picks up the Sun is high in the sky
the sun rays are shinning their light

Light cometh to me
its early evening now its almost dinner time and we all know what that means to me on the dot 6 o clock the emptiness will settle and truly then time will tell what will happen then
but
be strong
the sun still up these days level in the sky
Emotions are here never leaveing settled in the mind
emptiness lingers wanting darkness to tremble onto the heart trampling hope trample honesty trampleing courage
will I let that happen
I have
I wont Lie
I want at times to let the darkness in
I have it written on to "fight the darkness"
i meant it
Im a warrior
ready my armour you see it well their the scars on my body
my body use to covered head to toe but im healing inside and out
my barrier is strong its light
it surrounds me
never leaving me
even in the darkest hour it protects me from myself it gives me hope
"Hope hold onto it for sanity is near it"
Emotions hold me tight but the light holds tighter
my fellowship is you and you and you and myself
i would lost without hope
Hope comes from many things but mostly from thy mind and the compassion of humanity

I lay to rest my head tonight as the sunsets my emotions are settled and my eyes are tiresome of night keep me tight in my slumber
may i dream of the sun for she rises each day as i do tomorrow and so on
remember hope for today so tomorrow doesnt fade away

Running from them

Tears tears reinforced by fears
Fears fears unkind acts are molded
Tactics and skills
Reach out they say
Safe places be everywhere
Unsettled are the emotions unbalanced they seem
Why isn't the medication working why isn't it helping
Unknown is tomorrow our the next hour
Tick tock goes the hour clock
Hot on the wire
Cat got your tongue
Why not reach
So to say I have not met the man who reaps by souls each min
Soon this shall pass
Slumber awaits
If the voices and Snickers don't fetch your instability insanity tonight
Perhaps shadow laughs at you for putting them at bay
You can run but never can hide
Shadow knows all too well
Fight the darkness
Open to the light
Light in the heart
Run run far away
From the emotions from the fears from you
Your self me I myself and I unknown is tomorrow
Sleep tonight
Please try for self
Don't give in
Save your breath for tomorrow
Hope and faith for tonight will be rough
Tomorrow comes a new day
New emotions new events new fears
So catch your breath
And breath...

Glimmering Stare

you creep upon me
once upon a time there was time when i was free of you
yet here i am standing there
pondering wondering why oh why
am i left staring so blankly at the sky
I'm not staring at the blue sky but the glimmers of soft light as the sun reflects and shines
Glimmers here and there
What have I done to deserve such hateful stares as the glimmering faces stare upon me

There look there
whats upon this light but a glimmer i fall to my knees
shaking my head
as tears run down my face
I want to flee but everywhere i go they are glimmering there staring at me
even when i close my eyes there imagines haunt my mind
will this ever end
Glimmer on
Glimmering always as the light shines
Take the blade to the life source
Take control
NO
Stop
fight
Fight
You must take the blade cutting the ropes that is hanging you
as you gasp for breath you are freed
even with the glimmering faces staring upon thee do you recall
a time when you were free of such a stare
it was not long ago

Don't let the glimmering control your actions
don't let the fear rule over you
you are strong
Stronger than anything they throw at you
your crawling to the end to the light but be free
you are strong
good
Brave
free
Glimmering comes and goes remember they don't last forever
never give up
Keep on striving your worth it

Positive postition

Try they say
work hard they say
emotions are unsettling
am i at balance?
I'm trying to conquer them all
I'm trying to recall the good and bad
today did i recall both
hardship of the past
its been 22 years yet it hurts like its yesterday
will this pain ever stop
when will the grief be gone from my heart

now unsettled i am
emotions up down all around
cast me out into that ocean
be that pebble
causing ripples
be them good or bad

there is a time to be good
what is good
well i ought to say be positive to self and then to others
I love myself i like to think
I'm terrified of what i might become without love
Cutting out love
slicing out the light
feel that darkness consume
feel the hate take over

I don't know what to do
People hurt me so
but
I'm strong
I'm proud
in who I'm becoming
Hope wraps around me so
causing doubt to drop from me
causing hope light freedom to conquer my heart

what can i do but remember the good ole days
think of tomorrow
hope for today so tomorrow doesn't fade away
i wont give up
i know the darkness wants me to too
and shadow is there laughing at me
don't let the emotions rule you
don't let the disorder own you
Shadow is here to soothe you
but out some Rainbow of hope to save you from your self
Red
orange
yellow
green
blue
purple
don't forget these
they are written on your heart
write your heart out always
lest we never forget the past
but live for tomorrow
be happy
you deserve it
always

Write your heart out

Emotions flood my mind
unable to break free
its like im chained to hell
with burning lava at the base of me
im sinking in it
as i melt

I feel as though thats me
I disapppear into the nights sky
as a wisp
I strong
you need to change they say
I am changing
for the better
but im not changeing what you want me to change

Im still sick
i believe i will always be this way
as my emotions flood over me
i make rash choices
i result to blade to skin
swallowing the darkness
cutting slicing out the light

this is how i vent
I take pen to paper
and i write
is it not better to write than to cut

Life
live life
on lifes terms
cast the pebble across the ocean of emotions
dont drown in them
be afloat in your boat

I put up my walls my fuck you walls so to say
to protect myself
you hurt me so with that gaze
I have my badges on my arms
my home made scars
from my pain
from my terror
fighting the demons
locking myself up
locking my heart

what to do
knock knock
devil at the door
knock knock
slash i slit my throat
out goes the light
in goes the darkness
this but thoughts that tremble my mind
I shall be strong
Dont let the labels rule you
dont let the disorder own you

do i deserve to live
often goes through my mind
well
these days not so much
things are getting better
light is on myside
fuck you walls are breaking down
I can conquer anything
im not alone
im free
im me
im strong
I maybe Borderline
I maybe Depressed
maybe sick
maybe healed
maybe this or that
but im trying
i dont know why
but it gets better
its truly does

So follow me
past the ocean
past the deserst
to the meadow
with the flowers
the serenity
the road
to the heart
where balance is
so dont lose your hope
because i trust myself
even if im bad because i have my outlet always
pen to paper
write the emotions
write
write your heart out