More confusion

scream im crazy
so what if im insane in the membrain
im out of crontrol
who care
i dont care
so
move on my friends
from me
i isolate my self as though im nothing
i came from spirit as God breathed life into me

I wish i wasnt alive
slip that knife down my wrist
no stop
dont tell me that
i cry
tears roll down my face

i twist and turn in my bed
nothing molds my mind like the voices i hear
he he he ha ha ha he he ha ha
they want in
i thought i stopped them
please God i beg you
stop them from affecting me
they just in suggestion
im never alone
ready here they come
must be a jinn or demon
in keyboard
its wants me to cut burn and let out the blood
the blood hits the ground
save for from my self

spit out that vemon
they say the end is not the answer
its not
i just want to be a peace
i was this feeling to disappear
so if i disappear then maybe ill be free

Depression is my friend once upon i said
Emptiness is my misery
please God i pray
save me from myself
this is from me
you wrote in my path
im not strong enough to conquer it
please of lord save

This isnt forever
ill tell you what will be forever
slice the breath away
blood drips down my neck
my last grasp is what dooms me
run oh run
no more running
your out of time
no access to heaven
damned to hell
you took your own life
so dont
you dont want to be there

fire and brimstone
despair emptiness
misery
its there in the hellfire
you will burn

So remember the light inside of us all
Think of him before you cut
think of God because you pick up that knife
think of self and think of the future
its not all misery
knock knock on my heart
i dont want to be selfish

keep on writing
races to the heart
listen to the word to flood out them
they arent real
they are but you and your mind
messed up as that is
erase your mind
dont let the flashbacks scare you
for your stronger now
not a child
but a tall mighty human
im just a human who have our doubts

so i leave you with this
dont lose faith in self
faith in God
Faith in the savior
he wouldnt want you to suffer
afterall he already did the suffering for all of us
dont be so hard on yourself
afterall your human
we make mistakes
i wont to stop
so i hope i will

I pray in the name of Abba the father
save me from myself
grant me my angel
send one in a dream instead of nightmares that shake my head
forgive me for my thoughts and actions
you are mericful of thy lord
in his name
amen

Now

I feel as though I am being pulled
through the darkness
what will come through this darkness
if i am to survive
I dont want i am suppose to believe
I once did
this darkness lingers in my hear
Will the light rest in the end
I being dragged by the lockes of my hair
just like when i was but child
Where oh where
Darkness are you dragging me
making my emotions so unbearable
Here i am today happy as can be
no darkness wont allow that
Emptiness isnt far
as my fingers drag across the floor
I scream
As loud as i can be
yet no ones hears me
dont meep not a peep
mouth sewed shut
Knock Knock on heavens door
do i get admitted nor does man know
knock knock on heavens door
Im reaching out to thy lord
The light withers as darkness surrounds the heart
Fallen i am like an angel
those who rebeled be damned
I dont want to be damned
Deviant i am
but may the power of christ compel that all evil leaves you
my desires are wrong
what worries me more is this emptiness this darkness
light is withering and darkness leads on
Where is my angel
I close and reopen to releaize tis was but a dream
Im not damn because im child of light
its shines brightly but do not deceived
whispers are in hearts of humanity
these wicked and dangerous times
waiting on the hour
for him alone
I fear for the antichrist shall soon rear his face
but fear not for God is on your side
the rightous
the just
the merciful
remember the past
dont let it control you
your stronger than that
that old devil wants fool into the darkness
there he pounces like you are his prey
will he devour your soul
in the hearts of humanity he snickers
we far from the light
but that little flicker is but Hope
Hope for today so it brings tomorrow
perhaps it will be better day
Pounder on young one
dont lose your grasp
for your sanity is near it

Memory "warning Triggering"

Creep goes the door
never knowing who enters
I want to hide under the covers
that the child I am
Afraid
Tears rolling down my cheeks
under the covers
breathing quietly

The door opens and the christmas tree lights are on
sparkle red green and yellow from the star
The beast bears his teeth as he gentle breaths in and out
Must be a beast
I cry

Screaming on the inside
those tears roll down my face
the cover is removed
his cold hands touch my skin
taking my innocence

That was so long ago
its hurts me so
these memories
I just wish they would go away
I dont want to remember
please save me
Little girl screaming on the inside
she wants to be free but instead of freedom

She takes the blade to that soft white skin
like snow white she was
now she is broken
the beast snickers
he chases her
its game his head
its not game
its not funny
dont joke
before i may choke

Right i was choked
Remember
I dont want to remember
I want this flash of memories to pass
but the tears flow
Im not strong enough
please emotions dont surface tonight

Cant i just forget
go on with day
but no
I dont care
Take a razor
slice and dice
no no no
thats not the way
your losing the war

Tears must be released
and put faith back in God
He is just
he serves justice
he knows our hearts
Who is the savior?
not I
but him
we know him
he smiles
in my dreams
his light is everlasting
dont lose your faith
just because your innocence was ripped from your grasp
take it back
worry not for God is on your side
so hang my head in sorrow only to feel the light
so please dont drag me down emotions
keep the faith
in his name
Amen

I admit

Its hard to admit
but im scared
of what i will feel
I feel love in my heart
is this grace
I felt this way before
maybe a year so ago
I thought on the right path
Man i even quote myself that i believed in him
I was faithful
Then man ruined it for me

Shame on me
For turning my back on truth
closing my heart to him alone

I thought God hated me
truth is i hate myself
I used to anyways
people always look at me and shake their heads
because of my battle scars
whisper whisper goes the world
whisper whisper goes that old devil
he curses me
he curses man
all because of jealousy

Why
maybe i shall turn to God
Maybe God is Jesus
Maybe holy spirit is there as well

Doesnt the holy spirit make so we have grace
are able to consume the grace of God
God the father Abba
Jesus the son the Savior
Holy Spirit the grace

I could be wrong
I shall ponder upon it
Truly this is truth
I know now
my mind is clouded
But i still am me
Just me
And what did God want us to be
Being that i am
I maybe a sinner
but Sin maybe forgiven
May he forgive me for my actions
and protect from the whispers
my heart need protection

Iron clad of Gold shields me from that devil
His Grace protects my soul
His grace admits for to heaven
Though i just want to see my father
Thats the little girl inside of me says

Someday soon it shall come true
By his glory only
Oh Lord save me from myself
and my wicked deviant ways
Clear the path
upon the heart
lift the myst
from my path and with your grace
I shall obey
in his name
Ameen

War

I feel as though Im in a tug o war
between islam and christianty
i dont know which to choose
I feel as though islam is engraved in my heart
and well its hard scratch that out

There are some old remendys
Which call upon Power of Allah
that there is nothing to fear
as long as Allah is here
I know i be quoting that all wrong

Then there is Grace of God
not sure about the son but Abba seems to know my heart
The father watches his children
I suppose as the war goes on tugging on heart and soul
ripping it apart as though i will be nothing

Its like with medication i dont want to be the person i was without it
Same with God
I tried hard
Really i did
I just cant stop believing in him
His grace surely rumbles into my heart
outburst a rainbow of hope of true light
I hope so anyways
Will Grace or Glory win the battle

Allah is merciful
Abba is loving
Allah has no children
where Abba does
for God loved the world so much he sent his only begotten son
To die for you
Dont know if i can believe that

As i ruled out sin
Im tired of feel bad for who i am
for my so called sins
I spent so much heartache and pain repenting
WHY
why must i repent when its all natural

Maybe the self harm isnt natural
but the bisexual part
I cant change even if i wanted it
Shouldnt God love you reguardless
Not damn you to hell for following your nafs

I be damned if ill repent again
or confess my sins
But did he him that son of Abba die for us
I thought i believed it before
he died for you
they say
and then again did die for devaints such as i
I barely LOVE myself
But that dont matter for GOD
Loves you
no matter what you say
he knows whats inside

So where do i stand but upon the ledge
Will God catch me
Or will Allah damn me
and my brethen
soul for believeing in the heart for the love of the heart

Stop this war on me
Before it kills me
and i go where i know im going
Hellfire calls my name
each battle scar proves that misery despair hopeless is in my future
not rivers of wine and divine grace
I dont care

God knows whats in my heart
I only want to see one person again
And if that is possible
I know it isnt in islam because he was a kaffir
So screw Allah and jannah
I dont need them
I just need GRACE
Let the grace flow through my heart
Making me grow in light with Abba his grace will save me from myself

For i am most wicked to myself
That old devil whispers his way through my heart
But Abba and his Grace shall shatter his hold on my heart
For he is all powerful all knowledgeable

I end this with relief i finnally know who to love
and that is myself and Abba
no one else
Fear not child of God
his grace shall bind and hold you
as you tremble from his might
but fear not
Love is powerful
Lover is everlasting

Reach

Despair we all go through it
some more than others
i dont know what say
truly but in my heart i pray
to who?
That be him alone God almighty
I thought i could follow such a dangerous path
such as polytheism
i will always have my hertiage
I wont leave it behind me
I am me after all
Depression here it tonight anyways
lingering in my thoughts
i didnt choose to feel this way
nor do i want anyone to feel it
I will keep to myself
I will not burden anyone with my despair
maybe other than to share my thoughts
ponders and wonders around and around
ring around the rosey
afterall we all fall downn
Falling I feel like im failing
Im just a mess
on a radical changee sc
Mania is here and ready to be disturbed
As it slumbers snoreing ZZZZZ
it suddenly stops and reaches out to my heart
Do not worry my beast is strong inside me
maybe a few more battle scars
Slice and dice
Flee like mice
unsure what the outcome will be
DEpression its such a burden
it stirs up to much despair
to much unwanted emotions
but
Thank God
For him
Alhamduillah
And thanks for the family
the brother and sisters in this world we currently know
Community is important i hope so day ill find one where i will be happy
I would be lying to say i wasnt happy
but im tired of tossing and turning in my bed
my head spins round and round
Goodness
is needed
So PRay do dua remember
your not alone just reachout
someone will have their arm out aswell
ready to help you
humanity
companionship
compassion
its all needed in the heart to survive
because these be wicked times
so reflect and do some radical for a change
let that mania flow
at least youll be on that high on life and not in depressive of self
mania mania mania here i come
not holding you back anymore

Kindered Spirit

This is a new taste
A new look on life
No longer
Am I Afraid of death
Nor am I afraid of God, Gods, Goddesses
Fear turns the heart violent
Hate you feel it
I don't anymore
I won't allow it to control my feelings
to darken the heart
for I am
me
just a being
Who may be losing the old self
I am rational
The bad ways that clouded my judgement is gone
There is not just one and only one way
Judgement leave it at the door please
Raven who holds my spirit Tight
Control my hearts desires as Gaia
She holds our spirits close to hers
afterall her tears is what formed us together
Maybe its folklore of an old memory
maybe a reality in the making
I dont know
That ilm is not in my hands
perhaps within my spirit guides
Deep breathes
I breathe
Relax
Close our eyes
time will pass like hours within seconds
Take to the plaine beyond what my soul can comperhend
Fly me across the ocean of stars
Maybe Gaia the mother or lover was meant to be a guide
go back
back to beggining of time of your brethen
your family that is what counts
home is where the heart is
Remember your a Robinson
Look back in your mind and remember
its written there in your soul your reality
I am rational
dont look to deep
you may get lost within the abyss of lost spirits
those who have rejected their guides
Raven knows where to go
Follow the flight on the plaines
it will take you to a rational time
similar to this one
your Rational
that is right
believe it and so be it
follow your reality of the heart
Happiness
you found it
took a while
but now you know
meditation was learned for this to be a reality
who know happiness was real
smile onward kindered one