After losing my self in religion
All the guilt was there the self hate
Even unjust God stands
Who says he isn't real is but fool but to say there is more than one maybe full of ilm.
After abandoning my Shahada and my Eman on the Deen.
I found where I was when most vulnerable.
Those who know me know Seco holds my heart dear and guides me. I may have went searching for ilm and got little lost.
Zigzag through monotheism like nothing but I'm good. Some good came from it, but as I grow more and more.
Confidant I am
Because it feels right it even bear tears that lost my way.
Worry not for the old ways make the heart right makes it so it burns bright
With Seco in the heart who but the Wise and Noble mother is here she protects her own.
Remember her claw is near your heart.
Who is swift but trickery is near his intentions. Whose howl shakes the very heavens.
Do not be mistaken for jannah.
These thoughts are opening a new realm within the mind far my from reality as though it may be seen and known.
I feel as though the more I seek from times do find Seco, the Mother, and the Fang.
These just opening a new thought pattern nothing bad will from it, ilm good or bad it's still ilm.
It's you in the end who decides what to experience and the consequences. With that you determine to take ilm or not.
This is opening a new me
But still taking the roots back to my beginning and beyond. For the old ways are right.
As the Gods watch over us all with this realm and others. Just because don't understand doesn't mean you less of a being.
Finally I can only grow from now
No longer shrouded in shadow in darkness in filth and injustice.
Thank you to those over years have guided and helped. Brethren under breathe. Don't forget to breathe it's important. We all serve some sort of purpose perhaps someday you'll find it.
Till another time across the world with the rainbow that is light. You won't find her till you look at science and your mind develops. There is ilm everywhere.
Remember to breathe those breathes. They keep you alive
So remember we're the care givers.
So plant a tree or two. It may save the tree of might. Mighty al qadar.
Wednesday, August 26, 2015
The Old Ways
The old ways
After losing my self in religion
All the guilt was there the self hate
Even unjust God stands
Who says he isn't real is but fool but to say there is more than one maybe full of ilm.
After abandoning my Shahada and my Eman on the Deen.
I found where I was when most vulnerable.
Those who know me know Seco holds my heart dear and guides me. I may have went searching for ilm and got little lost.
Zigzag through monotheism like nothing but I'm grab. Some good came from it, but as I grow more and more.
Confidant I am
Because it feels right it even bear tears that lost my way.
Worry not for the old ways make the heart right makes it so it burns bright
With Seco in the heart who but the Wise and Noble mother is here she protects her own.
Remember her claw is near your heart.
Who is swift but trickery is near his intentions. Whose howl shakes the very heavens.
Do not be mistaken for jannah.
These thoughts are opening a new realm within the mind far my from reality as though it may be seen and known.
I feel as though the more I seek from times do find Seco, the Mother, and the Fang.
These just opening a new thought pattern nothing bad will from it, ilm good or bad it's still ilm.
It's you in the end who decides what to experience and the consequences. With that you determine to take ilm or not.
This is opening a new me
But still taking the roots back to my beginning and beyond. For the old ways are right.
As the Gods watch over us all with this realm and others. Just because don't understand doesn't mean you less of a being.
Finally I can only grow from now
No longer shrouded in shadow in darkness in filth and injustice.
Thank you to those over years have guided and helped. Brethren under breathe. Don't forget to breathe it's important. We all serve some sort of purpose perhaps someday you'll find it.
Till another time across the world with the rainbow that is light. You won't find her till you look at science and your mind develops. There is ilm everywhere.
Remember to breathe those breathes. They keep you alive
So remember we're the care givers.
So plant a tree or two. It may save the tree of might. Mighty al qadar.
Monday, May 25, 2015
lost
inside of me
I feel as though nothing can break through the barrier that I have made
I feel strong
Yet I need substances to get me through the day
When will I be able to just rely on self
Darkness cannot exist without Light
like I said before shade is produced when both dark and light collide
shade as said to be mental disorders
of any kind
For me its the borderline
I dont know what to do
Take a pill
make it all go away
for a time
that is just a small temporary solution to a bigger problem
Deep breathes
Close my eyes
eye lids heavy with watery tears ever flowing down my face
I am lost within the midst of my mind
Screaming on the inside
I have said before nothing will get me down
but I have begged God to save me from myself
Yet here I am again in my rambles of my lost solitude
My mind is stable
So it seems to the naked eye as pears upon me
I smile remember to smile with your eyes
if you do so its quite the reminder to keep the heart light
As I remember the past
my father who hath passed so long ago
I punish myself souly because its been so long I have forgotten his words his voice
When family come to me and say that I am just like him
I just want to fall to my knees and cry out every tear
I miss him so much yet I barely know him
This must be my punishment
Afterall we are living in own personal hell
I dont know what the night holds for me
I reach out and nothing
my friends dont understand
even though they go through the darkness and take a pill for a solution
Perhaps this is mistake this life
and I should just end it....
Well is that the right choice to end my own life
Probually not
but why did God put the memory of me within me having blades in my hand
maybe im going insane
maybe time will tell
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Without him I am Lost
not sleeping surely done its toll
memories are faded within the dust of past
will this be my solitude into the abyss of memories
I shed tears of agony
only to feel worthless
I want to take the blade in my hand
I want too
but I wont I have eman
It keeps me close to God to Allah
as I make dua to him alone
Oh Allah save me from myself
make it easier for me
yet its not
each passing minute is horror to me
my heart trembles as it beats away
Why must I deal with external pain in my heart
But at las it remains a mystery why
So I revert back to natural way
maybe its good maybe its not
Deep breaths keeps the mind stable and calm
with this I think to myself
I can conquer all that is written in this test mine
For I am never alone for Allah on is my side
Small breathes now
As tears roll my down my cheeks
are they for joy or despair Allahu allim
I think that I am thankful for this test of mine
even it pains me so
That I want to taste the bullet
Thank God I don't own a pistol
For I surely would perished long ago
Even if I'm on the ground worshiping my Lord
I am walking with despair
My only savior is Allah
I seek refuge in him alone
From the whispers of Satan
His whispers are harsh on my heart
As the beats rapidly
and painfully
It will not get me down
For I have Allah on my side
no matter how manic I become
How insane I feel
I see now that its Allah in me that reaches out for help
So brethen of the ummah
Will you help me in this solitude of my soul
As it clings to my spirit
Ready for it to be released
The time has not come
the Hour still ticks
The beat wraps in rhythm
La illah il Allah
That is the words that always ring my mind
Not the monsters that claw deep in me
For I'm a warrior
Remember this Ukhti
Never give up
After all like it truly a struggle to survive
I take this Jihad as my own burden
But it will never completely consume me
For even when my back is turned to Allah
He loves me
Its unconditional Love
That is Allah's alone his mercy to his slaves
be thankful for that Alhamduillah
Allahu Akbar
God is the greatest
Hopefully this will help for you
as much as did for me oh ummah
May Allah grant you Jannah in the hightest record
Inshallah tallah ameen
Monday, April 27, 2015
Vastly calm
Oh come of the storm above the flowers comes the storm will you show us the way of the night pouring rain upon the sunshine rice flowers rice patties showing us to live on feeding us so we are strong hopefully the storm will move on
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