Midnight Ponder

What is right?

Perhaps this might be the guide

I feel a pull inside of me

Unable to comprehend if it's right

Instead the uncertainty sets

Causing doubts within eman

Wanting nothing more but to understand

Having confusion to the max

Unable to comprehend hope

Darkness is here and near

It's slumbers upon humanity

But God said Be and here we are being

I'll be walking the deen in this Dunya

This corrupt world

Darkness within the heart

Corruption within the soul

Is this right?

Perhaps this is what light truly is

What would light be if there was no darkness to counter?

I've fallen to the ground

Was this fall meant to be?

Confusion to the max

Fear of what is different

But is this right?

My soul yearns for what is right

Even in the muck of confusion

I can see what the truth is

Even in the darkness

There shall be the light knocking

Screaming to let in

For the heart has hardened

For all the self-hate

Within myself

So

Am I right to accept the light?

When darkness corrupts my soul

Here I am pondering upon insanity

Is this truly meant for me?

Walking destruction

Chaos as I go

Calculated chaos

I'm able to comprehend this

But I cannot comprehend what the light is

For my soul is tarnished

Broken Beyond Bend

Shattered Beyond limit

And I scream and I scream so silently

Why must I be this way?

In the everlasting fight

Up down all around insanity is here

For the motions are going

Over and over again

Will this be different this time?

Perhaps time will tell

Before it's too late

And I end it all

Where is this hope?

Where to find?

Twisted

Corrupt

Blissful

Loving

Rager

Empathy

So many statements

Labels ever so

I am but me

Within this insanity

I find that there is only one worthy of worship

That is Allah the almighty the most beneficial the most merciful

So seek him always

Always

For darkness shall always be overcome by the light

For Allah is that noor

So perhaps I should follow the way

Being pulled from every direction

Here I am pondering upon my soul

Midnight fun here we go

Running 4 hope

Running on the stairway

Not knowing where to go

Head for the stairs to the bottom

For the darkness heeds the heart

It shifts and turns, the blade sways unto every being

To find emptiness, broken

Am I disappearing?

What will become of me

Looking towards the Noor

Up the stairs

Running for bliss

I breathing clearly

As high as I come

The Lord calls me

My soul draws near

Almost to the top

Striving, determined, and wanting something more

We are but slaves to Allah

Seek to please him

What is this noor

Everlasting bliss

That I shall not dismiss

I'm here being

As God says to Be

The Lord I reckon it's light

Meaning for all

Creation deserves to be saved

Saving yourself and then others

Never giving up

Running on the stairway

Knowing finally at the moment what to do

To strive for the Noor

To find serenity

Please bring this Bliss

For you and I

streams

Streams of sorrow come to be

Within destiny there is what sadness

Is happiness an illusion indeed

Pondering so suddenly

Upon the edge perhaps so

Over the moon to the sun fledged soul

To overcome the darkness

To reach out for help

To scream if you need to

You are free

Free in this world to suffer indeed

As chaos ruins the world

Happiness falls from the true deeds

Perhaps I show speak to thy Lord

I don't see a point so there's no relief

And life is just a test that fulfill you for the afterlife

Posed to someone who doesn't want to live

To fight all your life to struggle to lose to win

To be content with what you are

As insanity and confusion flow through me

The darkness sweeps in and takes away the Noor

Is it but a flicker within the darkness

Or has it been blown out

Allahu allim

We ponder upon the world you see

As some of us are stuck with strife

Carve your destiny into your soul

To let it all out as the blood flows

Is this the way or is this the illusion

What can we tell what reality is

Is life and happiness but an illusion

Hope is far from here

A disaster to be

Chaos and rage indeed

I seek refuge in the Lord from their cursed Satan

As I plea and plea for all my life you see

I guess this is my destiny

But shouldn't I have the right to know what I want to do

To live or die

Insanity is surely a dangerous path

Only time will tell

Here

Here again

Broken

Ripped to peices

Can I comprehend

This Bliss, shall I dismiss

Within the Shadow

Burns thee, Insanity beyond the brink

Coping once again

Thou hast cast this upon thee

Shall I see

Those patterns for me

Second guess, is it shayton?

I seek refuge in Allah, from shayton

In the name of God

The beneficial, The merciful

Shall this deemed for me

A time of death, ripping thy roots

I scream hear thee

Whisk of the sounding

I breath, stuck with the Insanity

Rage flows with me

I can't stop, carnage there

Wanting nothing but to devour

Heart and Soul

I'm left with thee who indeed

But Allah

Seemed for me, qadar written in the footsteps

Of a shepherd step

Finding God

Not losing Hope

Here right now

Ready to let the chaos in

This happens to be my fate

Even within the light

There will be forever darkness

Ready To Go

 Where am I?

I find myself lost, on the edge

Wandering into the galaxies 

Star sprinkled bliss, ready to show you the way

Walking into the abyss, I'm left here pondering

Shall I shout and shout shout and scream it all out

Deadly deeds have arrived

Countering deaths deadly deed

Blood soak skin, will the flow ever stop

I am here, inside my head screaming for the forces to let me go

I want to be free, I never am

For hope is lost, at the moment dead inside

I reckon

Help me, no one cares

I am stuck in insanity, let that deem whats for me

I scream as the insanity bleeds into thy soul

I ready to let go, why must it be this way

Confusion of the heart mind and soul

Ready set go, another day, and another time

Bliss here there and everywhere

Just got to find a flake or too

I am ready to end this all, but I stop myself

There this time, I will stop

The devourer doesnt listen

To hate self, to maybe love self

To reach out, let go

Happiness is but an illusion of the heart

Depression is real and its ready to deal

Darkness leads to the abyss

Then it sucks thy soul

I am ready to let go

Though I am bounded by my emotions

Shall I rip tear to not care

I swear I do, even with a gaping hole in my soul

Now ready to let go

Please God save me from myself

Lets Go!

What is this soothing

Upon this is what deemed beyond reality
The glimmer as the mind See's
Up and Down
Side to Side
Reverse
Snicker here and there
what lives beyond the illusions
What will be right
What is for me
This soothes me
What is meant to lighten the heart
Do you hear my inside scream, is this deemed for me
I say I seek refuge with my heart to you alone
Allahu  Allahu  Allahu
I say again
Allahu you are for me
To whisper within the heart
Bismillah Arahman Araheem
To feel, to be, within the illusion, as it burns what is next for me
I say again within my heart
Allahu  Allahu Allahu
Please save me
From the glimmering
Soothe me
Do not burden me
You made me right
Why such the fight
To go beyond fright
to whisper into my heart, to seek refuge from the accursed Satan to to with you always
Allahu Allahu Allahu
Bring this near me
your word
for its burns
as one may be tarnished so
Only you can save me
From this insanity
That is near to me
is this what its meant for my destiny?
Allahu Allahu Allahu
Allah
Bismillah arahman araheem

What is next?

Where am I?
But at a cross road
to the bliss
to the abyss
what is next for me?
I suffocate beyond repair
do I need to stare?
upon this day do I reap
to take thee leap

What is meant for me?
beyond the abyss
is it something light right within the desire
do I creep
It has to be right

no more doubts
I'm ready for this is right
for me
shall I take thee leap
for my destiny

Beyond the Bend

Here I am
At the rift
about to drift
beyond the bend
another hope to come
upon this desire
shall I be?
Within my destiny
to see
beyond my reality
to reckon with the bliss
to accept
to keep the bliss

Upon this eve
I am me
stuck
I choke
To bear this
Pain
Heart ache
Why must it be this way?

I'm left to be
stuck within reality
as bliss drifts from me
I stare until I'm blind
Looking for something to find
Lost not yet on the mend
To discover whats next

Shall I follow thy heart?

This pain hurts me
Tarnished
around the bend
unable to cope
Cope
Reap
Redeem
beyond the mend
for the end is near
and ever so dear...

What shall this bring

Shall I oppressed?
beaten down?
barely able comprehend, is it time?
To rise and shine
to ready this time
its the endless block of life
I am here
beaten to the ground
so much that my spirit is twisted
Am I me?
Within my destiny
shall I reap
I stand tall
to beat oppression
to stand for truth
Compassion is needed for this
walk within what we think is reality
To drift upon the universe I'm here
not knowing what is next
unable to control whats right even if proven wrong
here I within my destiny
to burn
to suffer
I suffocate until its time
do I define
what my reality is
and brings me near to death
knocking on a demons door
waiting to see who answers
death her self
Gasping suffocating oppressed
I am gone
I am not right...

Rerun

To run
To be free
Is this my destiny?
I am here standing
Ready to take the leap
Is it for joy?

Here standing at the edge of the abyss

Ready for the fight
Instead I jump into flight
Run be free
Scream in the insanity
this must be
What is meant to be

I scream
For my cure
Deep breaths
To the thorax
to balance the Chi

I here this must be my fate
stuck in a rut
able to cope
But stuck within the flesh

Sunken within the midst of the abyss

I suffocate
What shall be?
Is this what destiny is?
Why must you forsaken me?

Will this be
what is meant to be
within this insanity
For Clarity
is meant to be

To be reborn
for the fate

As I drift within the footprints in the sand

Time is set
Time will tell
What is meant to be?
In this clarity!

This will be Now

I stand falling to my knees
I as I prostrate to thee
Allah almighty
I must confess to you with my heart
this pain
this monster than lies deep within me
Is here with me even within the sanity that is with you
Something familiar arises in thy soul
dare i say who
He conquers me so
I seek refuge in you oh Allah
because remember dua is the best

He still lingers
Of my mind
unable to cope
So dare i say
I'm free to be me within this insanity

he snickers and suggests and demands
tears run rapid down my cheers my eyes water
no time for tears
I'm ashamed
I'm not worth it
I'm tarnished
beyond repair

Why even bother saving me

I confess though in my heart and soul
that your the only God for me
not him
not his suggestions are unjust
unlike you oh Allah
you are loving
Merciful
Forgiving
Just
Without you the world truly would be lost

I feel lost within emotions
my heart says Islam is the way but i still doubt self
how can one love self 100%
not attainable for me
not yet
never

Oh Allah
Save me from my self
purify my heart
bring the Rage to Bliss
unable to conquer the darkness
left to fight tis battle on wards
its truly my jihad my struggle the insanity
i don't think anything else but you will help
Even now I don't want to be
even in this sanity I drift
and doubt
so remember you always in dkhr
you are the only one worthy of worship
One God One Love One Life

I seek refuge in Allah From the accursed Satan
Ashadu la illah allah ashadu muhammedan rusuallah
Allahu akbar
With you
I Cannot this alone
so in remembrance to you only I will try and try again
and return to you always...

The old ways

After losing my self in religion
All the guilt was there the self hate
Even unjust God stands
Who says he isn't real is but fool but to say there is more than one maybe  full of ilm.
After abandoning my Shahada and my Eman on the Deen.
I found where I was when most vulnerable.
Those who know me know Seco holds my heart dear and guides me.  I may have went searching for ilm and got little lost.
Zigzag through monotheism like nothing but I'm grab.  Some good came from it,  but as I grow more and more.
Confidant I am
Because it feels right it even bear tears that lost my way. 
Worry not for the old ways make the heart right makes it so it burns bright
With Seco in the heart who but the Wise and Noble mother is here she protects her own. 
Remember her claw is near your heart.
Who is swift but trickery is near his intentions. Whose howl shakes the very heavens. 
Do not be mistaken for jannah.
These thoughts are opening a new realm within the mind far my from reality as though it may be seen and known. 
I feel as though the more I seek from times do find Seco, the Mother, and the Fang.
These just opening a new thought pattern nothing bad will from it, ilm good or bad it's still ilm.
It's you in the end who decides what to experience and the consequences. With that you determine to take ilm or not.
This is opening a new me
But still taking the roots back to my beginning and beyond. For the old ways are right.
As the Gods watch over us all with this realm and others. Just because don't understand doesn't mean you less of a being.
Finally I can only grow from now
No longer shrouded in shadow in darkness in filth and injustice.
Thank you to those over years have guided and helped. Brethren under breathe. Don't forget to breathe it's important. We all serve some sort of purpose perhaps someday you'll find it.
Till another time across the world with the rainbow that is light. You won't find her till you look at science and your mind develops.  There is ilm everywhere.
Remember to breathe those breathes. They keep you alive
So remember we're the care givers.
So plant a tree or two. It may save the tree of might. Mighty al qadar.