Inshallah ameen

Oh Allah I feel so lost
I am here begging you to end all
I am me and sure I be
How I suffer, and this makes me bitter
Yet I am here alhamduillah
Bowing my head to the ground for you alone
I want to seek haq, but I'm left in despire
Inshallah I call your name
Ar Rahman never leave me
I am truly lost without you
I feel as though the devourer is near
Shall I cut and burn, to ready the blade
To consume the darkness, letting emptiness break free
Inshallah Inshallah never let me lose hope
I just dont want to be
nevermind this world, nor the afterlife
Why must it hurt so much?
Being alone, and lonliness kills
I just want to be free
These chains holding me
Broken and beyond the bend
Here I pleaing for another time
Oh Allah, Forgive me for what I am
Have mercy, Oh merciful
Allah I love you, more than my self
I love the prophet Muhammad saw
He showed the world you
With you choosing him as the final the seal
May he rest well in jannah
Am I broken?  That I seek hellfire
Oh Allah make in easier for me, give us who are lost shifa
Making it easier for others who suffer pain, love, poverty, opression, lonliness
Ameen Ameen

The old ways

After losing my self in religion
All the guilt was there the self hate
Even unjust God stands
Who says he isn't real is but fool but to say there is more than one maybe  full of ilm.
After abandoning my Shahada and my Eman on the Deen.
I found where I was when most vulnerable.
Those who know me know Seco holds my heart dear and guides me.  I may have went searching for ilm and got little lost.
Zigzag through monotheism like nothing but I'm grab.  Some good came from it,  but as I grow more and more.
Confidant I am
Because it feels right it even bear tears that lost my way. 
Worry not for the old ways make the heart right makes it so it burns bright
With Seco in the heart who but the Wise and Noble mother is here she protects her own. 
Remember her claw is near your heart.
Who is swift but trickery is near his intentions. Whose howl shakes the very heavens. 
Do not be mistaken for jannah.
These thoughts are opening a new realm within the mind far my from reality as though it may be seen and known. 
I feel as though the more I seek from times do find Seco, the Mother, and the Fang.
These just opening a new thought pattern nothing bad will from it, ilm good or bad it's still ilm.
It's you in the end who decides what to experience and the consequences. With that you determine to take ilm or not.
This is opening a new me
But still taking the roots back to my beginning and beyond. For the old ways are right.
As the Gods watch over us all with this realm and others. Just because don't understand doesn't mean you less of a being.
Finally I can only grow from now
No longer shrouded in shadow in darkness in filth and injustice.
Thank you to those over years have guided and helped. Brethren under breathe. Don't forget to breathe it's important. We all serve some sort of purpose perhaps someday you'll find it.
Till another time across the world with the rainbow that is light. You won't find her till you look at science and your mind develops.  There is ilm everywhere.
Remember to breathe those breathes. They keep you alive
So remember we're the care givers.
So plant a tree or two. It may save the tree of might. Mighty al qadar.