Emotions unbearable without God

Suffocation at the max
Don't know why I feel so isolated
I'm here at a place of worship
My Lord is the light that saves me yet tears penetrate my heart
Making in dark
Can I fight the darkness?
Or rather let in sink in to tarnish the heart

Seek refuge from satan to the Lord Jesus Christ
Don't fight but conquer
I had a glimpse of that golden hope
Now retreat to my solitude
Where the voices echo within thy mind
They are here to torment me
Take me away from thy Lord
What is left to do?

Not self harm
No never again
Maybe they are right
Maybe I'm worthless
But if that's the case why does God bless me
Making the path lighter brighter golden light hope

Tears are overflowing my eyes burn as each drop swells and drips down my face
Sorrow has been here today
Why must feel so sad
Why must I cry
Why oh Lord why went you save me from the worst from myself
I am my worse enemy

God gave me life and hope and fellowship but here sitting here at a peaceful place with friends of new source
I am learning gaining knowledge and new faith not only in self but in thy Lord and savior

Even when hopelessness seems to linger in my soul
Light came a knockin
Hold on to your hope for your sanity is near it
Don't lose self in your battle against the Snickers of that old devil
He wants you to lose he puts doubt in your heart
I don't have doubts in my faith just self that I cannot fight the darkness anymore

Shall I bunker down
Release the emotions
Let people see the real me
Or keep the walls up so the devil and even God stays at bay.
Don't I beg you
Let God in

Let that golden hope surround your soul spirit and heart
I seek refuge in God from the acursed Satan
Oh my Lord and saviour Jesus Christ
Save me
Save me from my self
For I am the worse for myself

Let us pray
Jesus I call upon you to bring that light hope to me
You died for me for us all
So then I will serve you
Only now do I hope to conquer the devil and I will
God willing
In Jesus name
Amen

Hope: golden light

I'm lost
Fear is in my grasp
My heart shakes from the aniexty
It hurts like a knife to the chest
My heart rate jumps and races to finish line
Feeling like I'm lost
Fear of being hurt
If not being accepted
From isolating the rainbow that I am
Will this be the case
Well I lose myself
Change
I used to fear it
But changing for betterment is good

I used to fear him
Oh what blessed community I have met
They opened not their arms but hearts
They like me have compassion
Who taught this a man no a son perhaps
He has a name don't be afraid to admit it

I accepted him in my heart
I say his name name often
I try to better myself for him to please him

Oh lord and savior
Jesus Christ
Lord you put me in the hospital room with my new found friend.
With my open-minded willingness, his kind heart that he learned
But from who you say but Lord Jesus Christ king of kings.
There was no judgment six days ago when I opened my mind to you thy Lord

Let us pray for one another that the ones who don't call to the king of kings Jesus Christ the father and the holy spirit. The golden trinity is calling for you lost one.

I was but lost but a loser
Now that I'm growing with God
Dare build my confidence and say winner.
I am in this light and glorious warm and everlasting
I'll hold my hand out to you my right hand holds to Jesus's hand
My grasp to him will hold me tight
My other hand I extend to my friends my family
I will help you the best way I can whenever possible
I will it but have purpose now
To show the world the love of the Lord
"For God loved the world, he sent his only begotten son."

Let us pray once again
Lord
I call upon you
To lift me up to cloud 9
Up to where heaven may reside
I don't need to cut to self harm to release anymore
For you where here for
Jesus Lord
Save me from myself
Bless those around me
Bless me
Keep me golden
Please
In your name
Amen

Hold onto your hope, perhaps it will transform into golden light of true hope.
I leave this with you
I'm getting better for the will of the glorious Lord and savior wants me to strive to live
So I will
Live
Hope for today so tomorrow a new day will remain...

Within solitude

Medication take it, swallow it until the darkness no longer breaches your heart.

Today I skipped doses, self sabotage to the max.
I cannot see myself living past the age of thirty one.
Turbulence and thy mind brings me to my solitude.
Where am I? but lost within my mind
Unable to comprehend hope at this moment.
A friend like me who this disorder, is isolating
Where another friend has guilt that doesn't belong with them
I am lost for words...

So I ponder if I wonder up up to the sky to cloud 9
Writing my feeling to Pen to paper but words that I type not on your writer but on the wire.
Society is a sell out
To technology giving ever whim to their desires
If I was to give in sure I would be dead
Not knocking on heaven's door
But deep down into the ground awaiting for the reaper to reap thy soul
For that devil conceals my soul
Unable to break free

I'm speechless as I tremble
I live for today so tomorrow doesn't fade
My emotions are unbalanced as my medication was needed
I'm on rail road to disaster
Up down all around
My eyes swell with tears unable to fill the void
Emptiness lingers...

Here I am
In my solitude
Unable to see the light for darkness has consumed
Am I as horrible as I think
Or am I just suffering from my misfortunes of my disorder
Unable to comprehend my hope at this time
I am not hopeless
Help self help other people
Be selfless and humble

Work towards getting better
Take the light and swallow it
Fight the darkness
Don't just fight but conquer.

Let hope consume self
So we can live for tomorrow so hope doesn't fade.
Just keep on breathing
Clean air
Breath just deep breaths

Don't give up
Don't worry
And don't forget to smile
It can go a long way
From the heart to the soul

striving to live

Striving to Live.

Live...

I want to

but at this point

my lifesource is at a strain

it pours out out of me

each tear repsents an emotion

a memory

soon forgotten by the flood of unsettled emotions

each tear drips down my cheeks

unable to resurface from this reality

I take with my hand a sharp

sliceing out the life source

uncontrolled i am

i suffer from my worst enemy that be myself

the disorder

its rules me

better not tell myself that owns me rights now

it does

for I let my desires take control of me

and with that one two three four five maybe it stopps there

numbers numbers run inside my head

quotes from sisters all around the world echo within my heart

why did God damn me so

questions arise As i ride in the ambulence to the hostipal

hoping i would aquire help there

what a fool was I

I can only help my self is allow my self to heal

healing takes time

But with the steps

1 2 3 here i come soon to come

nothing will stop me not even my desires

hopefully not even my slip ups will not be the end of me

why oh why

seven bowties in the arm

they mend me as i speak

out they go as time flows

seven more days out they go

Light wraap around me

Live for today so we dont fade away

we help eachother

please help me conquer myself my desires to harm myself

why oh why

knock knock devil at the door knock knock

will i answer it

catch my breath

Angel awaits for at the cliff to catch me before i slip

Sisters oh sisters

thank you for being there

dare to inspire

hope before my sanity is lost with hopelessness

up and down and all around

Unsure where I am
Emotions run through me like a river on the milky way
We are in the galaxy of emotions
ocean of stars
Up goes the sun the star that shines brightly
my emotions are intertwined with that light
Once upon a time up there star shineing sky
Emotions run like wild fire

Down down we go to reality
now down to earth i am grounded you would think
I just need to breath deep breathes
down are my emotions
up down and all around
a burst of rage conquers me in moments time
unable to control my hate my anger my rage
I fall to my knees
as i weep tears from my self
I dont want to be to unbalanced

Its been two months you would think the medication would still work
I was so hopeful
that this melody was right
why not just overcome the light and slice out hope
go ahead you have the means why dont you do

I breath
I see my breath within the cold morning air
life is to worth it
even if i slice out but seconds to be gone im wasteing my life
one is to many once you start to one its not enough
crismon blood holds me at bay

fuck this poem
why do i try so hard
i pick up the pieces
oh star child
gather strength from within
reach out
your worth it....

Sunrise emotions

As the sun rises
my emotions lift up with it
rise oh sun rise
lift me up to cloud 9
so serene it is up here
oh so high in the sky
I look down to my friends as their hearts reside in the sunshine

as the day passes i linger down from cloud 9 to much more level reality
uncertain am i where my feeling are
happiness at high noon
i smile its a kindness
one smile for me to smile for another for you
a good deed not to small for me
busy am i today as emotions are ever flowing
its mid afternoon and i am once unsettled
a small tear rolls down my cheeks
I brush it away quickly , hoping no one will notice
a part of me still thinks that crying is a culnerable shameful state to be in
I shake my head to get the guilt out
quickly emotions rush through as the wind picks up the Sun is high in the sky
the sun rays are shinning their light

Light cometh to me
its early evening now its almost dinner time and we all know what that means to me on the dot 6 o clock the emptiness will settle and truly then time will tell what will happen then
but
be strong
the sun still up these days level in the sky
Emotions are here never leaveing settled in the mind
emptiness lingers wanting darkness to tremble onto the heart trampling hope trample honesty trampleing courage
will I let that happen
I have
I wont Lie
I want at times to let the darkness in
I have it written on to "fight the darkness"
i meant it
Im a warrior
ready my armour you see it well their the scars on my body
my body use to covered head to toe but im healing inside and out
my barrier is strong its light
it surrounds me
never leaving me
even in the darkest hour it protects me from myself it gives me hope
"Hope hold onto it for sanity is near it"
Emotions hold me tight but the light holds tighter
my fellowship is you and you and you and myself
i would lost without hope
Hope comes from many things but mostly from thy mind and the compassion of humanity

I lay to rest my head tonight as the sunsets my emotions are settled and my eyes are tiresome of night keep me tight in my slumber
may i dream of the sun for she rises each day as i do tomorrow and so on
remember hope for today so tomorrow doesnt fade away

Running from them

Tears tears reinforced by fears
Fears fears unkind acts are molded
Tactics and skills
Reach out they say
Safe places be everywhere
Unsettled are the emotions unbalanced they seem
Why isn't the medication working why isn't it helping
Unknown is tomorrow our the next hour
Tick tock goes the hour clock
Hot on the wire
Cat got your tongue
Why not reach
So to say I have not met the man who reaps by souls each min
Soon this shall pass
Slumber awaits
If the voices and Snickers don't fetch your instability insanity tonight
Perhaps shadow laughs at you for putting them at bay
You can run but never can hide
Shadow knows all too well
Fight the darkness
Open to the light
Light in the heart
Run run far away
From the emotions from the fears from you
Your self me I myself and I unknown is tomorrow
Sleep tonight
Please try for self
Don't give in
Save your breath for tomorrow
Hope and faith for tonight will be rough
Tomorrow comes a new day
New emotions new events new fears
So catch your breath
And breath...