beating dead beat

Crumble at the base

Here you stay

Unable to hope

To bring happiness is but a wish

That will never be in the midst of my life

Here I am, empty

Emotions flow, burning so

Rapid unlimited emotions

Ripping through the flesh

Am I breathing?

I feel I'm suffocating

So many burns

To cut to tear to reach

Wanting nothing but ruin

These burning balls of energy

Shine so brightly

Hoping for tomorrow

Wanting it to just end

To fall into slumber

Catch my breath

Only to hope

For the beat to stop

To set me free

As the emotions burden me so

streams

Streams of sorrow come to be

Within destiny there is what sadness

Is happiness an illusion indeed

Pondering so suddenly

Upon the edge perhaps so

Over the moon to the sun fledged soul

To overcome the darkness

To reach out for help

To scream if you need to

You are free

Free in this world to suffer indeed

As chaos ruins the world

Happiness falls from the true deeds

Perhaps I show speak to thy Lord

I don't see a point so there's no relief

And life is just a test that fulfill you for the afterlife

Posed to someone who doesn't want to live

To fight all your life to struggle to lose to win

To be content with what you are

As insanity and confusion flow through me

The darkness sweeps in and takes away the Noor

Is it but a flicker within the darkness

Or has it been blown out

Allahu allim

We ponder upon the world you see

As some of us are stuck with strife

Carve your destiny into your soul

To let it all out as the blood flows

Is this the way or is this the illusion

What can we tell what reality is

Is life and happiness but an illusion

Hope is far from here

A disaster to be

Chaos and rage indeed

I seek refuge in the Lord from their cursed Satan

As I plea and plea for all my life you see

I guess this is my destiny

But shouldn't I have the right to know what I want to do

To live or die

Insanity is surely a dangerous path

Only time will tell

no ways

Why must the days start this way

Will this day ever end

A phase of mania, you see a hypo state of being

There's lots of different types of mania don't people know pick up book don't you want to know

Educate yourself about society seek that knowledge let It be deemed for you and allow you to teach others

Don't take judgment into your heart and don't cast judgment on others

No one knows another person unless they've walked a mile in their shoes said someone a while ago

As it twists and turns within my mind

Not knowing what reality is

And coming to the conclusion that there is no hope

No cure

No comfort

What is the point of living if you just get worse and worse as you age

I sure don't feel like I have hope

Everly my mood I'm on cloud nine you see I have nothing to stop me from doing a deadly deed so I write I scribe I want everyone to see I'm perfectly imperfect and this is what is meant for humanity

This may seem like a rant rather than a poem but I'm writing it in the mania of phase

May God give me patience within myself and within my health

My body aches from all the stress

My heart hurts from the anxiety

I don't want to be anymore

I just want to be free of my illness

But happiness is an illusion you see

For me anyways

Happiness can lead to mania

Oh great that's so thankful of God

And this creates bitterness within God

I don't know why I have to be so full of rage and angry and stressed and depressed and hateful and all these things I don't want to be this way I want to be Lindsey again but I'm not Lindsey anymore

Too many tears are wept each day

And I'm done on living so perhaps I'll see you tomorrow or another lifetime Allahu Allim

Done

I am wondering on this world of My reality

To not be able to see outside the box

I feel as though I'm trapped within the darkness

Pulling through the chaos over and over again

Wanting it to eventually end

Finding that hopelessness is at the end

Far nor bear

Do we know?

Truly not for that is not our place

I want to find solitude within myself

I want to be content with being ill

There is so many things I want but it seems unattainable

As sharks move within the sands of the sea

Will it ever be beyond insanity?

Well I ever believe in Hope of that reality?

Never quite sure, wanting much more

But feeling so scarred and tarnished so

And the Carnage is with me so listen please

I am not worthy

For what I do and see

I am different from the rest of you

I feel that energy around and I can take it as thy own

As it negatively affects me

Will I ever be at peace?

Well I know the virtues of peace?

In this time of my life you see

Or will it be granted to me on judgment Day just a glimpse of peace and Hope

Is enough for me

As tears rip through me

Unable to cope

I reckon I should just do Dua

Even that seems to be stopped by the insanity that be's in the mind that can't control reality

I want to believe in me that I am possible to overcome the insanity

But as the days roll on by and the months begin to begin to years

To worsen as you age

To have your psychiatrist ask you what he should do

What is the point really in this world anymore?

I don't care, I'm done

Next time it comes I will not fight 

For I am defeated

I do not know if I should relay my light to my deity Allahu you see

I want to please him so solely

But I'm drifting from the light

I just want to keep on going until there's nothing left 

The Carnage will not be subdued

For the devour is here

Never fear, it's something dear

Within thyself I feel

Corrupted within my will

Let it be let it be even with the insanity

As I scribe and ponder so wonderfully

Will this be the end soon to come?

To pass on the courage to another

To raise awareness of this curse

There is no cure for what I have

I'm running out of answers

I don't want to have that courage for that day

When I make that promise I made so many years ago 

I just can't let it go

I seek refuge in a love from the accursed Satan

I testify that there is no God but Allah and that Muhammad is the slave  and messenger of Allah

I cannot deny what truth is

Soon I will lose the war

I'm tired of fighting

So let's just calmly go with the insanity

Thoughts

Where you start

I'm on my knees

Pleading with my sanity

Times get you down

Some more than most

Ok is it

Upon just being

Wanting

Surviving

Caring

Where do we find ourselves

When darkness is no longer bleak

The light is almost out

Here I am

Devouring flesh

Consuming Insanity

Do I plea, and plea

Stuck

Hating self

Wanting more to end it all

Am I selfish?

For taking this path

I scream so softly

The skyline is high

Higher than you can be

 This is what's mentally to be

The guilt isn't much to live on

Raging here and there

Breath

Just breath

To suffocate

To hang

To burn

To cut

Self is made

Really does this mean, it's meant to be

Here I am

Pondering upon the deeds

To strive

To have society build and burn

To forget the past

To welcome the present

Will I ever hope for the future?

Will the darkness get me ?

Let it be

Almost Gone

It builds up
So much
I'm about to explode
Take the blade to my skin
Cut the life line
I'm  near the end
Unable to comprehend
what is in the right
Am I wrong?
Am I near the right?
Shall I fight?
I'm defeated
I cope
but its no longer manageable
I burn
To turn the tide
As it moves
inside and out
until the night is here
I'm nearly gone
nearly dead
is this truth
am I right?
Perhaps not tonight
perhaps another night
be prepared for a fight
for there will be a fright
in the night
until there is nothing left
I'm on my way
to the end
What is the point
The insanity overbears
nothing helps
I'm lost
I'm gone
I'm dead
I'm free
Finally...

Pleading

Where am I
I filled the folds of the Mist closing on me
I'm left here to wallow in my emotions
Unable to cope
I Fall to my knees pleading for God to save me
Instead I'm left with the shroud of emotion
But God works Within Me
every time I don't take the blade to my skin I overcome that devil that's deep inside my heart
Don't touch the flame to the skin
I want to fight but I feel that it's already conquered my heart
I don't know what to do anymore
I want to fight but I'm tired
I want to breathe deep breaths
But I'm suffocating choking on every emotion that runs through me
Rapid are these emotions
People think that I cut because I'm angry at myself
That's not the case it's because I feel rapid emotions and if I inflict pain then it's a controlled emotion
I have many badges on my arm
I wear my heart on my sleeve
This is my destiny
I don't know what to do
So I leave it in the hands of the Lord
And make Dua to him
Remember dua what is supplication to God
Prayer is giving light to God
He is the Conqueror
He is the champion
He is worthy of worship
And itself he is Lord
I prayed to thee
Even within this insanity
Shall I bring myself closer to God
First we need to throw away the blades
But I find myself holding on to them longer than I want too
Unable to shake these feelings I left in the abyss
What show comes of my soul my heart my every being
Mercy is needed
And with that you will find it with your lord Christ Jesus the one and only
So let's say
Jesus my Lord and Savior
Bring me closer to you and the father
Bless me with the Holy Spirit
Bring me closer to you and the spirit
Save me from the insanity
The anger is deep down inside
Unable to cope I cut
Please give me the strength to overcome this
maybe I'm just speaking to myself and not even a god
Bringing myself back to reality
In your name we pray
Amen

Lost in a haze

Often do I find my mind set lost in emptiness
The vast majority of emotions
They are out of me
Left with the insanity
What to do
Left here left there
Left my badges
In reality people look at me
And judge me so
Slowly on that insanity
As each badge forms it's way
That deep pain
If set mind
I cannot comprehend
What is this?
Destroy me
Devastate me
Damage everything
I don't know what to do
As I'm running out of rope
Hanging a noose
As I stand
Pondering
Trying to fight
Don't just fight but conquer
I'm running out of skills
Rampet on the craze
Sanity far from me
In this haze
Dare to say
I'm here
I'm free
Left without regret
I'm done not yet dead

Another Battle Another Day

Tick tick tick
My heart rates up
Slice away the night
I slumber only to be awaken
By the fright of night
It's 1 am
I'm barely stable
I take anything that I need
To devastate me
Destroy me
Went should I protect me
When chaos is in the midst
The cycle goes on
I did this
Yes me
Insane in the membrane
Unable to cope
So I take my blade
And slice and dice
Why not follow the river
Let the flood Gates open
Why must I reach out
It's never good
It's never right
About the fight
To the death
To the endless darkness
Emptiness in near and dear
Shall I fight
To conquer the battle once more
In this endless war
The mind cannot bend
Unable to rationalize
Unable to cope
Here I am in my solitude
Ready to jump
To my death
My train is running out of tracks
Light is a knockin
Darkness meets light
And they cannot exist without another
Shall I see the light
Or be consumed in ever lasting darkness
So here I am standing
Ready to rumble
Fight the night
Fight the darkest day
Until those pills get the skills
Even running out of time
Tiresome it can be
Even within my insanity

Reminisce

They say
Fight the darkness
Reminisce in the light
Let it consume your heart and soul
Don't spend so much time in your mind alone
It's dangerous
The railroad never ends
In this cycle of chaos
I fight
But it gets tiresome doesn't it
No matter how hard I try
If I would die
Right here right now
Build me up
I'm better than the emptiness
It shakes my every being
Let's focus
Fight pass the freedom
Falling to my knees
Screaming to God
Why must I suffer?
What will happen?
When will I be free from this insanity?
Tick tock tick tock
Time moves slowly here
#36
Hear me cheer
Do a 360*
Down surely not dead
Up down up down
I'm on a free way
Running from everything
I want the light
But I'm here inside thy mind
It's dangerous
Caution at the door
He sneaks
He whispers
He laughs
That old devil
Cut away the pain
Break the pattern
I'm lost
I'm free from reality
Lost in an abyss
I want to reminisce in the golden light
Five minutes left
I'm near the end
Go through those Gates
Down the tunnel
Hell on Earth
Is the insanity inside my mind
I want to be gone
Hopefully my dreams well come true
Trigger me now
Let me break free
I should be able to choose
Life or death
Only time will tell
Suffocate
Break
Breath
Grounded
Mindfulness
All skills
Useless in the hour of now
Tick tock
It's time to hold that barrel to my temple
Until then

Almost gone

Why must I suffer so
Feeling like these tears
That swell behind my eyes
Running down my cheeks
Streaming
Unable to control
Unable to cope
I feel the rage within my fists
Strike myself so
Rage fills my aniexty so
Fixated on the desires
Unable to give l control my emotions so
Unable to cope
Unable to breath
I'm stuck here
Within these walls my even though I want to take a trip down the river.
Not across the bridge
But down the stream
What the hell am I doing
What the hell
Glimmer within my sight
They bring a fright
What an I to do
Give in
Cope
Breath
Stay grounded
Unable to breath
I'm suffocating
I just want this pain to end
Until then I'm stuck on the railroad
To the end
Point the pistol to the temple
Explosion
Hit the floor
I'm gone
I'm dead
I'm finally free

Safety safety

I stare at myself
As the wheel turns
In the cycle of chaos
Cut me harshly
Burn me ever so
Safety safety I need to be
As I blink
Disaster floods the mind
I'm suffocating
Hold my breath
Deep breaths
I finally know
What causes me to enter chaos
It's I within my mind
I'm not safe
It's me inside my spirit my every being
Knowledge can be useless
If you don't know how to use what you have gained
I know I'm am chaos, irrational, insane.
But lastly I'm free to be me
The problem is clear
It's worth my mind
The solution is key
What is it
Where is it
Why must I been lost in the abyss
Star child
Distant star to the universe
Maybe I need to strive
Against my every being
I want to drive the needle to my skin
Be high in the sky
Up to cloud nine
I need to fight
Fight the good ole fight
So the war seems bearable
I want to die
Honestly at this moment in time
I'm blind and deaf
But surely not dumb
Do not take my for a shaman
Nor a role model
I'm broken
Waiting to be fixed
But I will not lose myself inside the cycle of chaos.
I'm worthwhile
I'm beautiful
I'm free to be me

Monster within me

What the hell am I doing
I'm lost in the abyss
I must confess
That I'm stuck in the darkness
But perhaps I'm in the best place
Up down all around
What to do from here
I feel like my slate is blank
Only to fuck up my life more
As each hour goes on by
Time moves slowly
Rapid emotions on the track to destroy my heart and soul
Cut away the pain
I'm stuck in the abyss
The emptiness lurks here
As it consumes me
Is it my destiny
Perhaps not perhaps maybe so
The monster I am that I feel inside me
Cut deep into my skin
To release the demons
Every scar
Is a story to tell
What the hell am I doing
Not too tricky
Perhaps
I'm stuck on this cycle
Chaos is my domain
Am I supposed to choose
Chaos or Clarity
I'm done
I'm free
Even within my insanity
I want to feel the peace inside me
But instead I'm left
To devour the emotions
And be blank
One can only wish
Unfortunately
Rapid emotions
Depression
Darkness
Emptiness
Rule my fate
No long a blank slate
Darkness has settled
What hell
Let the monster loose
She is the beast
She claws me
Self reflection
I am me
Free to be
Even within my insanity

Surviving Time

This pain runs deep
Within my body and soul
It shakes my every being
Right down to the core
Where the light resides
Darkness comes from afar
Only to realize that darkness was always there
Lurking under the light
They cannot exist without one another
There comes a time
When the pain is so unreal
That I take that blade and cut
Now I'm here within these walls
Safety safety is here
I'm left to pounder in the solitude
Am I worth while?
Will things change?
Unable to reach out
I sink to a spiritual low
My mind is swollen with darkness
Shall I take my last breath
Surely this is currently the way
Without light darkness resides
And in that emotions roll on by
Emotional pain
Shakes my every being
As I pounder
What will change
I have changed but I still sink down
Only time now will tell
If I survive or die

Frustration

Frustrated to the max
Why can't I take it
Unable to comprehend hope
On the brink of darkness
Will I take the plunge
I'm trying
If I wasn't
I'd take the blade and slice and dice
To the max
Infection in my skin
Let it run its course
I just want to end it all
But there is little light inside my mind
Deep breaths
In and out
Helps calm the mind
I don't know what to do
Shall I leap to my destiny
In this long battle
A decade has passed
Still no cure
I'm drowning in emotions
They conquer what is left of my heart
So retreat to my solitude
Depression is there
I don't care
Slumber away the day and night
Slumber the depression
So the light can come
Full force
What do while I wait
Take your medication
Even though it doesn't work fully
If it worked then I wouldn't be so tarnished
Railroad to destiny
I finally agree
Hope for today
Even when sanity is away
Insane for now in the cycle of chaos
I wished upon the stars
Will I live again
Or follow the darkness
Only time will tell

The Ward

On this road again
Where am I
But the Ward of 36
Ringing in my ears
Are the echoes of insanity
This place is for healing
Yet I feel so tarnished
I'm broken
Not rebuilding quite yet
Unable to comprehend
I'm still on the rail road heading to the end
The change in Ward is that
Unable to harm
Unable to purge
Unable to cope
What am I
But insane in the membrane
I just want to end it all
But the rules have been set
No self harm
No suicide
After all this unit is meant for us
The broken ones
Ready for recovery
One pill
Two pills
Three and four
Is this what life is about
Struggle to live
I just want to give in
To the desires
Unable to cope
I seclude my self to my room
Slumber comes
Zzzz
Dreams of Bliss
Only to wake in reality
Depression is a strong thing
I just don't have any more skills
And it seems the pills are useless
What to do now
Here I am
Hi I'm borderline
Hi I'm depressed
Hi I'm sorry for the guilt that opens my heart
To those I love, to love myself fully
That is the greater skill
Hi I'm me
Free to be
Even with my disabilities
What is next to do
As I scream
On the inside
As the beast creeps inside me
Ready set go
Time is up
I'm Knocking on heavens door
Help me save me
From this dark insanity
To the path of clarity

2018 spring

I have hit a low these past several weeks I hide it well but my brick wall that protects is crumbling down burying me alive
My thoughts are surrounded by darkness and sweeps in the emotions that leads to emptiness and I just laying in bed trying to sleep yet in the day time I set out missions of freedom to calm me with Bliss these are every day things I do it the meli second
Free me streams inside of my heart and if I have the courage to handle the blade boy oh boy
Truly it will be gone

Mila second

As time rolls on by
I feel this sorrow
From deep within my soul
Shall I stand at the edge of life
Pondering
Wondering
It I should take the plunge
It's hard to conquer the darkness
Letting but a glimpse of light in
It's hard to cope
The emptiness settles in the heart
Nothing left for me to feel
Darkness lurks
Just jump
I fight these feelings of desperation
Hoping to grasp the light for but a Mila second
I sit at the edge
Ready to fall
Tears roll down my face
Unbearable they are
Why can't I be stable
Anger within causes blood to boil
I want to slice and dice before my heart rings with echo's of grief
Shall I just end it all
It carry on
Keep on trekking
This soon shall pass
Mila second within the milestone
Happiness is sought

Am I worthless

I don't know where to start
One two three four
Here we go
Once again one pill two three four
Down the throat they go
Why must I depends so much on this
Artificial happiness
But ever so it brings balance to me
I want to die
I don't know what's wrong with me
I scream inside my heart
As the tears begin to swell and ever will they flow
I have support
I have friends family counselors doctor's my yet I still feel ever so alone
I sit here upon the edge
Shall I just to my death
Shall I fall backwards
Only to dream upon the moon
I lay here in my bed
As insomnia ponders
I'm unbalanced
Emotions run rampant
Why
I ask
Are you inside my head
Whispers ever so
They seek the light within the mind
Clouded I am
As the voices consume my inner soul
Am I lost but not yet found
I feel calm but empty at the same time
Emptiness
I wish I never knew this
I wish I was dumb so I'd be down right dead
But here I am being
Within the chaos
Cycle of Chaos
It bends and twists inside my head
I'm warped
Beyond repair
I'm madd you see
Insane in the menbrane
Unable to comprehend
Shall jump to my death
Slice away night
So might find some inner peace
Unless my Hasty actions well lead to my eternal weakness
Emotions still run around my head
But as las the sun arises
Maybe today it will be a better day

Currently me

Twist and Turn
inside my head
emotions run wild and ramped
once again on that railroad
I think I can I think I can
is different than I know I can
chew train on the cycle of chaos
round and round
here we go

cut rip burn
here I am
complete structured
even if I'm glitching
stutter in my speech
I don't give a fuck

Here I am bare to see
I beat my chest as though I'm unbreakable
only to find the beast inside me to devastate me
One two three four five
the count goes on and on until we reach an end
number 33
is for me
it completes me
Medication is for me
don't blame me
when I glitch
hop to the beat
let it roll to rhythm

Reminds me of the path of serenity
what will this sanity do for me
tempted to be sane
the norm
but in reality always showing those curves never on the narrow path
badges on my arms

I am strong can't you see
anything you through at me
cannot defeat me

Even that small voice inside of me defeats me

Wisps in the air

help save me
 rescue me
believe in me
complete me

snap out of the fantasy remember its cloud nine to the Devine

up up to the sky
high up
cloud 9
divine as it can be
it does not destroy me

away with the evil
away with the good
just start again

tick tock on the clock
the eternal clock
wind me watch me walk
seems to be the trend
of me

build build
create me
help me
save me
I cannot
devastate me
destroy me
kill me
bury me
reap me
judge me
burn me

K
Don't sweat
it's how the cookie crumbles

So for the day of today
smile
it's good for the soul
Don't worry
about me

I am free to be me
even it destroys me
so come at me

I ready and willing

I dare you...