Done

I am wondering on this world of My reality

To not be able to see outside the box

I feel as though I'm trapped within the darkness

Pulling through the chaos over and over again

Wanting it to eventually end

Finding that hopelessness is at the end

Far nor bear

Do we know?

Truly not for that is not our place

I want to find solitude within myself

I want to be content with being ill

There is so many things I want but it seems unattainable

As sharks move within the sands of the sea

Will it ever be beyond insanity?

Well I ever believe in Hope of that reality?

Never quite sure, wanting much more

But feeling so scarred and tarnished so

And the Carnage is with me so listen please

I am not worthy

For what I do and see

I am different from the rest of you

I feel that energy around and I can take it as thy own

As it negatively affects me

Will I ever be at peace?

Well I know the virtues of peace?

In this time of my life you see

Or will it be granted to me on judgment Day just a glimpse of peace and Hope

Is enough for me

As tears rip through me

Unable to cope

I reckon I should just do Dua

Even that seems to be stopped by the insanity that be's in the mind that can't control reality

I want to believe in me that I am possible to overcome the insanity

But as the days roll on by and the months begin to begin to years

To worsen as you age

To have your psychiatrist ask you what he should do

What is the point really in this world anymore?

I don't care, I'm done

Next time it comes I will not fight 

For I am defeated

I do not know if I should relay my light to my deity Allahu you see

I want to please him so solely

But I'm drifting from the light

I just want to keep on going until there's nothing left 

The Carnage will not be subdued

For the devour is here

Never fear, it's something dear

Within thyself I feel

Corrupted within my will

Let it be let it be even with the insanity

As I scribe and ponder so wonderfully

Will this be the end soon to come?

To pass on the courage to another

To raise awareness of this curse

There is no cure for what I have

I'm running out of answers

I don't want to have that courage for that day

When I make that promise I made so many years ago 

I just can't let it go

I seek refuge in a love from the accursed Satan

I testify that there is no God but Allah and that Muhammad is the slave  and messenger of Allah

I cannot deny what truth is

Soon I will lose the war

I'm tired of fighting

So let's just calmly go with the insanity

MemBrain

Crazy in the membrane
Can i comprehend
What is here
Now above the mist
Shall I take thee leap
Of destiny
Near and Dear
I'm left
Sipping on bliss
Sucking in the chaos
What shall be dismissed
I feel queasy in here
Bout to explode
Am I right?
Beyond what seems
This must be insanity
Here I am
Reckless
Beyond what is right
Crazy on the outside
Wanting nothing more than serenity...

Whats next?

To conquer the darkness
So I can adjust
What will be destined for me
Beyond this reality
Illusions can be a must
To Take me beyond my deeds
To What is desired

A place of serenity
Where the worries of anxiety disappear
Fears of all kinds never fear
We be sipping on bliss
Not Letting the chaos in
For this is serenity

Just for moment

Then back to insanity
Where Fear rules my every being

I still smile
For I am free to BE

Screaming me

Oh so mighty
Struck to the heart to be
Stuck in a high such as cloud nine
up up I go
Shall I breath my last breath
To suffocate beyond bliss
Illusions of patterns ruin me
To be born this way
Makes one wonder
If God almighty is just
To Suffer what is this
Tarnished every so
I'm stuck writing upon my heart with a bloody Quill of pain

To be sipping on bliss

To choke on serenity

I seek Refuge
In you alone
As I scream inside outside to be
Allahu Allahu Allahu

To recite bliss
To be within a drip of serenity
To seek, to be
Is this meant to be

Wandering on star based board
Roll on the dice
The gamble of life
Shall he win
His whispers that follow me
Drown him out
I recite thee
The last three of a surah deemed for me you i and the insanity

This must be destiny

I scream
Allahu Save me
From this insanity

I'm barely hanging on my edge
Whats meant for me
To Suffer
To scream
IS THIS ME?

Fragile

Where am I
Lost within the abyss
knowing only what i think i want to know
doubting him
the everlasting soul

Standing here
I hang my head in sorrow
I clench my fists

Boom Pow Bang
Explosion happening now
My rage goes on
Making a fist
now knowing what to do with all this hate

So i devastate myself
Impacted to my skull
hoping it hits my soul my spirit
I dead inside
I lost in the mist
in this abyss

I strike once again
my fists are bloody
yet I go on and on again
one two three four five....
Thirteen
So many
be them cuts
Burns
Devouring
Striking

Its all self harm

Its not needed
As the badges on my arms help me recover so
Their reminders that no matter how much pain i feel
I'm tough
I'm strong
You going to hurt me
I beat you to it
1 2 3 4
slide across the scars
make more and more

Soon
Time will only tell

I am lost in this abyss
I feel this emotional pain
All the time
its behind every cheer smile chuckle

once again i wake up each time i loose reality

where am I
is cloud 9
do not deny me
cloud 9 ever lasting reality
Cloud 9 bring me close to you
in this reality

No its not real
its not right
its wrong but right

Why must i argue so within my soul

Mockery

When has this become a mockery
One who goes through hardship
Is never a laughing matter
Just because my illness is off the mind
Doesn't mean you can devastate me
This just adds to the insanity
But no one can help me
I can only help myself with the techniques that defy me
We gain skills for a toolbox and we walk the path we are carpenter like the prophets before us
Even if this is metaphor
We reconstruct our minds but it doesn't change the fact that we still have it chemical imbalance
Allah put it here
It is part of my struggle
My jihad
But whatever doesn't hurt you can only make you stronger in the end
and with the strength We Gather inside us to help our fellow Humanity in the next step
But first we must put our faith in God so he would love us so so we could love ourself
to have a definition of love for self is that life inside of the heart
My illness of the Mind defies me so harshly
next time you open your mouth to speak use your mind have empathy for your fellow human being
Where all the creation of Our Lord Love Thy Neighbor
That's what I love myself
I have empathy for Grand than anything I've ever seen before me
I'm told when I'm in the facility that I have too much empathy for another patient
Does I be more empathy on self
My advice to you and anyone that dares to mock us again
To open your mind to think outside the box to try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes
just because my illness is invisible doesn't make it anything else than what it should be
So do your research before you open your mouth
Remember words are more harsh than you can believe
So Reach Out And Touch soul

This will be Now

I stand falling to my knees
I as I prostrate to thee
Allah almighty
I must confess to you with my heart
this pain
this monster than lies deep within me
Is here with me even within the sanity that is with you
Something familiar arises in thy soul
dare i say who
He conquers me so
I seek refuge in you oh Allah
because remember dua is the best

He still lingers
Of my mind
unable to cope
So dare i say
I'm free to be me within this insanity

he snickers and suggests and demands
tears run rapid down my cheers my eyes water
no time for tears
I'm ashamed
I'm not worth it
I'm tarnished
beyond repair

Why even bother saving me

I confess though in my heart and soul
that your the only God for me
not him
not his suggestions are unjust
unlike you oh Allah
you are loving
Merciful
Forgiving
Just
Without you the world truly would be lost

I feel lost within emotions
my heart says Islam is the way but i still doubt self
how can one love self 100%
not attainable for me
not yet
never

Oh Allah
Save me from my self
purify my heart
bring the Rage to Bliss
unable to conquer the darkness
left to fight tis battle on wards
its truly my jihad my struggle the insanity
i don't think anything else but you will help
Even now I don't want to be
even in this sanity I drift
and doubt
so remember you always in dkhr
you are the only one worthy of worship
One God One Love One Life

I seek refuge in Allah From the accursed Satan
Ashadu la illah allah ashadu muhammedan rusuallah
Allahu akbar
With you
I Cannot this alone
so in remembrance to you only I will try and try again
and return to you always...

Let me Be

Send me across the sky
Into the distant stars
I'm a comet ready to soar
dashing by the asteroid belt I am
I gasp as I dash through the distant stars
Wonder where to go from here
I'm running
On a railroad round and round I go
on this emotional roller coaster
its like I light up and the emotions run
From high up to cloud 9
So blissful I am
shooting through the stars
Trying to find serenity
in thy heart it is
But I carry my weapons were ever I go
Even if peace
I show no mercy
For you cannot harm me
I beat you to it
I harm myself
hence being a shooting star
Down I fall as the rollercoaster goes
infinity down below I am burning as I go
I have found my destiny
First
Love self
To love self
is like to love another
Down I go
into the ocean as I burn to a crisp
star I am
Shotting star comet to be in the stars
But I'm a fallen angel
I fell from cloud 9 like it was nothing
am I nothing?
I shine bright
As the night begins to shroud the sunlight
a star within the ocean
calling God
To save me
Deliver from evil
Most of all
the Evil within the hearts of humanity
let us rejoice in one another brethren
Fellowship is needed
into God is one
Will his hand cast down to me
Bringing me to my knees
to Save me up to bring me to my serenity
I plea and plea
for His mercy upon me
but one is needed
A saviour is needed
And truly he was sent
defying evil
Jesus Lord and Savior
The Messiah to us all
In his name we breath
Amen
surrendering is never easy
even within my insanity
I can grasp the light
And with that golden hope
His smile
his kindness
surrounds me
Look at the stars and think of me
Hi
I'm borderline
do not let the labels define me
I am free to be
just BE
and that will be my sanity

Currently me

Twist and Turn
inside my head
emotions run wild and ramped
once again on that railroad
I think I can I think I can
is different than I know I can
chew train on the cycle of chaos
round and round
here we go

cut rip burn
here I am
complete structured
even if I'm glitching
stutter in my speech
I don't give a fuck

Here I am bare to see
I beat my chest as though I'm unbreakable
only to find the beast inside me to devastate me
One two three four five
the count goes on and on until we reach an end
number 33
is for me
it completes me
Medication is for me
don't blame me
when I glitch
hop to the beat
let it roll to rhythm

Reminds me of the path of serenity
what will this sanity do for me
tempted to be sane
the norm
but in reality always showing those curves never on the narrow path
badges on my arms

I am strong can't you see
anything you through at me
cannot defeat me

Even that small voice inside of me defeats me

Wisps in the air

help save me
 rescue me
believe in me
complete me

snap out of the fantasy remember its cloud nine to the Devine

up up to the sky
high up
cloud 9
divine as it can be
it does not destroy me

away with the evil
away with the good
just start again

tick tock on the clock
the eternal clock
wind me watch me walk
seems to be the trend
of me

build build
create me
help me
save me
I cannot
devastate me
destroy me
kill me
bury me
reap me
judge me
burn me

K
Don't sweat
it's how the cookie crumbles

So for the day of today
smile
it's good for the soul
Don't worry
about me

I am free to be me
even it destroys me
so come at me

I ready and willing

I dare you...

Words

Where am I?
but on my star not too far from reality
will I lose myself
will I prove to myself
will believe in me
so many questions
so much self-doubt
ar the brim of the ocean
Tears keep on flowing
never stop
because if I did I would be broken

I'm not broken
no no no
not then
not now and not tomorrow
I am strong and free
people believe in me
they truly love me
so then why cannot love self
why must hate flow
are they the desires of the devil
he ha ha ha he
devil show us self as you snicker from the hearts of humans
Greed runs all wars
Lust run everyone to deviant ways

Deviant, I am
trying to be humble
but fuck that
I should be proud
if not for self but for those who admire me
yes believe not people admire
fucked up as it seems

some judge me by the badges on my arms
what they don't know
am I hate myself so
for taking that blade

tick tock reality is about to break the barrier

I'm falling down and ascending to my body finally 
heart soul and spirit are one
I stand at the edge
once again will an angel come to my aid
surely because those thoughts run throughout of my maze 
the labyrinth of thy mind
I'm all over the place
never at peace
wanting but two things for self in life 
being happiness and peace

Is this attainable?

perhaps
Hope is here so near and dear
Have some heart
Don't lose your grasp
Sanity depends on it

Within solitude

Medication take it, swallow it until the darkness no longer breaches your heart.

Today I skipped doses, self sabotage to the max.
I cannot see myself living past the age of thirty one.
Turbulence and thy mind brings me to my solitude.
Where am I? but lost within my mind
Unable to comprehend hope at this moment.
A friend like me who this disorder, is isolating
Where another friend has guilt that doesn't belong with them
I am lost for words...

So I ponder if I wonder up up to the sky to cloud 9
Writing my feeling to Pen to paper but words that I type not on your writer but on the wire.
Society is a sell out
To technology giving ever whim to their desires
If I was to give in sure I would be dead
Not knocking on heaven's door
But deep down into the ground awaiting for the reaper to reap thy soul
For that devil conceals my soul
Unable to break free

I'm speechless as I tremble
I live for today so tomorrow doesn't fade
My emotions are unbalanced as my medication was needed
I'm on rail road to disaster
Up down all around
My eyes swell with tears unable to fill the void
Emptiness lingers...

Here I am
In my solitude
Unable to see the light for darkness has consumed
Am I as horrible as I think
Or am I just suffering from my misfortunes of my disorder
Unable to comprehend my hope at this time
I am not hopeless
Help self help other people
Be selfless and humble

Work towards getting better
Take the light and swallow it
Fight the darkness
Don't just fight but conquer.

Let hope consume self
So we can live for tomorrow so hope doesn't fade.
Just keep on breathing
Clean air
Breath just deep breaths

Don't give up
Don't worry
And don't forget to smile
It can go a long way
From the heart to the soul