Confusion of the heart

I half me
Stuck in this insanity
Is this what is me?
Within this reality
I'm lost I'm scared
I'm there
beyond repair
dare to stare
what is to be
I am me
even if I'm lost
stuck in the muck
the deep dank dark
Depression
Then sudden pain
that stings and burns
a stab to the heart
I'm Weak beyond repair
do I care?
dare to stare
I am me
stuck in this insanity
Raging on
ripping right through here
I'm in pieces
Barely there
I'm stuck in confusion
I'm free to be
me
even in the mind
I am confused
juggled
juggling sanity
does this define what is right
I'm barely me
what is my destiny
forget what is left
start anew
embraced confusion
let them stare
do I care
to stare beyond reality
I am me
barely hanging on

Almost Gone

It builds up
So much
I'm about to explode
Take the blade to my skin
Cut the life line
I'm  near the end
Unable to comprehend
what is in the right
Am I wrong?
Am I near the right?
Shall I fight?
I'm defeated
I cope
but its no longer manageable
I burn
To turn the tide
As it moves
inside and out
until the night is here
I'm nearly gone
nearly dead
is this truth
am I right?
Perhaps not tonight
perhaps another night
be prepared for a fight
for there will be a fright
in the night
until there is nothing left
I'm on my way
to the end
What is the point
The insanity overbears
nothing helps
I'm lost
I'm gone
I'm dead
I'm free
Finally...

Sane far from me

I am high within the stoned sky
I feel those damn emotions move through me
Driving me to insanity
Rapid emotions defer me to use tools sharps within my mind within reality
The mind has deflated from the expansion
Twist turn many emotions rip into me
My flesh is a burden
I don't mean to be a burden
Though I feel I am becoming one
Help me I scream silently
Slice dice crystal clear skin
Causing nothing but destruction
Feeling as though you can't win
So I write
But cut burn consume devour me within
BPD why must you devastate my sanity
Hello I am me
Free to be me
Even with my insanity
I shall fight
Don't just fight
But conquer
Up in that sky emptiness defers me to rapidly destroy me
Free to be me
Don't hate me
Help me pity me kill me
Unknown for now
Knock knock on heaven's door
Failing humanity
I breath
To break me
Let's break them
Cut away the future
Let burn our bridges
Here I am
Standing alone but a metaphor for I'm surrounded yet loneliness happens to me
Fear of my insanity
I breath
Touch
Cut
Burn
Free to be me in my insanity

Path: Borderline

I am sorry it has to come to this
Where i feel ripped apart
at my faults
I don't mean to be so high maintenance

Some will mistake me from a Drama Queen
Scared of death of labels
often am I referred to Felicia
"Goodbye Felicia "
Cruel words from the kettle

What's different for me
I can actually grasp some sort of reality
I understand it
It's often mistaken for sociopath behavior
on the path to serenity, i think not but on the path to some sort border
perhaps might as well name it Borderline paths for me

Don't be so hard to judge me so fast
do you understand the path is intertwined with
those eyes staring at me, millions upon millions of glimmering faces
never to conquer them but run to PRN
Self-esteem breakdown
I'm on railroad to fear
the worse anxiety I have felt

Just thinking about the Glimmer brings them scratching the surface and molded into vision

Tears roll upon my face
so much more
these as I'm raw
sensitive
a sponge waiting to suck up all the  emotions
unable to express normally
personally, i try to recover
be mindful of my emotions
be present in this moment

Another aspect of the path unwinding behind me
is not of the borderline
I connect with my friends all to well
and I'm blinded by my LOVE for them
so much that sometimes they are hurting me on the inside
that i must turn the blade to my skin

Only the crimson blood flows will satisfy me
one two three keep on going until there is nothing much bone left
I feel tarnished as the scars run all over my body
the urge grows stronger by the days that go by

Some say Reach reach out to someone who loves you back
what if you feel like a burden
you are left with a plea to God and those pleas are as empty as the emptiness consumes you

I am fed up with letting the disorder walk and wreak havoc on my life
can't leave it behind trying to forget
But walk hand in hand with it
you are one with borderline
Admit it
own it
express it
live and die with it

again hi I'm Borderline
don't judge me
we are all different
yet the same
we all have skills to deal with it
if you think I'm trying to trick you and control you with my words
when I reach out
you don't know me very well
it's not my intention
I'm broken
but just a bit dented with duct tape holding me together

Soon to be shattered
if I let every other personality break me
I will not break
because you what
I'm worth it
and never alone
Hope for today so tomorrow doesn't fade away

Words

Where am I?
but on my star not too far from reality
will I lose myself
will I prove to myself
will believe in me
so many questions
so much self-doubt
ar the brim of the ocean
Tears keep on flowing
never stop
because if I did I would be broken

I'm not broken
no no no
not then
not now and not tomorrow
I am strong and free
people believe in me
they truly love me
so then why cannot love self
why must hate flow
are they the desires of the devil
he ha ha ha he
devil show us self as you snicker from the hearts of humans
Greed runs all wars
Lust run everyone to deviant ways

Deviant, I am
trying to be humble
but fuck that
I should be proud
if not for self but for those who admire me
yes believe not people admire
fucked up as it seems

some judge me by the badges on my arms
what they don't know
am I hate myself so
for taking that blade

tick tock reality is about to break the barrier

I'm falling down and ascending to my body finally 
heart soul and spirit are one
I stand at the edge
once again will an angel come to my aid
surely because those thoughts run throughout of my maze 
the labyrinth of thy mind
I'm all over the place
never at peace
wanting but two things for self in life 
being happiness and peace

Is this attainable?

perhaps
Hope is here so near and dear
Have some heart
Don't lose your grasp
Sanity depends on it

Within solitude

Medication take it, swallow it until the darkness no longer breaches your heart.

Today I skipped doses, self sabotage to the max.
I cannot see myself living past the age of thirty one.
Turbulence and thy mind brings me to my solitude.
Where am I? but lost within my mind
Unable to comprehend hope at this moment.
A friend like me who this disorder, is isolating
Where another friend has guilt that doesn't belong with them
I am lost for words...

So I ponder if I wonder up up to the sky to cloud 9
Writing my feeling to Pen to paper but words that I type not on your writer but on the wire.
Society is a sell out
To technology giving ever whim to their desires
If I was to give in sure I would be dead
Not knocking on heaven's door
But deep down into the ground awaiting for the reaper to reap thy soul
For that devil conceals my soul
Unable to break free

I'm speechless as I tremble
I live for today so tomorrow doesn't fade
My emotions are unbalanced as my medication was needed
I'm on rail road to disaster
Up down all around
My eyes swell with tears unable to fill the void
Emptiness lingers...

Here I am
In my solitude
Unable to see the light for darkness has consumed
Am I as horrible as I think
Or am I just suffering from my misfortunes of my disorder
Unable to comprehend my hope at this time
I am not hopeless
Help self help other people
Be selfless and humble

Work towards getting better
Take the light and swallow it
Fight the darkness
Don't just fight but conquer.

Let hope consume self
So we can live for tomorrow so hope doesn't fade.
Just keep on breathing
Clean air
Breath just deep breaths

Don't give up
Don't worry
And don't forget to smile
It can go a long way
From the heart to the soul