The Chains

I am here
Finally at the door
Do not dismiss
This is bliss

To break the chains
That bound my soul
To do the evil deed

To break
To fall into a million shifts in reality
I scream
Is this meant for me
Beyond the insanity
Must this be

To carve out the engraved
To not murmur
The old ways
Tying this whole hearted

I breath beyond the abyss

Do I miss what's near the bliss
That old Devil will sink in my heart
But to prevail over falsehood

I confess with all my heart
Deemed for all
That light that hope
To break
To be
To ponder
What's next for me but recovery
From the illusion

They shift and then cause chaos
Of mind and soul

I rebuke you demons

In the name of Lord and saviour
Who will be named
But King of Kings
Jesus Christ
That's his name
For he is the word
From of light
That might be too break the false reality

Basking in the light

Here we go
On the path to Clarity
Oh lord almighty shine your light upon me
 I call upon you to show me the way
I know I'm not the best
not the greatest at this moment
but with your spirit and your light
I shall conquer all that hits me
no more cutting
no more strikes
no more burn

It will be hard to change
but with you
I shall pass this phases of self harm

I will not try
But do

I'm in this abyss
until your light shines upon me
up up we go in the end
past cloud 9
up to the golden gates
With the book of life
I shall redeem myself

The best of deeds are the smallest of deeds

I'm redeeming myself as we speak

I bask in your light Lord Christ Jesus Lord almighty Father and with that the holy ghost
shall bring spirit and grace
upon me
I am reborn
I am born again
for i was lost in the abyss

Oh Lord I call upon your life that you shed for us
To bring into clarity
and serenity
this is what is needed
to bask in light
warmth
and to battle the darkness
to conquer it
but without you I'm truly lost
to a plea with you stay close to me
in your name we  pray
Amen

Clarity over comes Insanity

I'm falling
i don't want to be this way
why cannot not i strive for the good
instead i follow the deadly deeds
of the insanity

Oh Allah
I call upon you
to grant me serenity
clarity to the insanity

I fall to my knees
and call upon  you
for dua only to you
alhamduillah
for you Allah and the Noble Quran
Thank you for revealing it to Prophet Muhammad SAW
he was gentle and kind
the best of the best
Alhamduillah
he the seal of the prophets
who would be better than Muhammad SAW

La illah Allah
I love you of Allah
Even when i don't love my self
I feel your serenity
so i pray
to you only
your the only one who understands
Allahu Allim
Only God knows
what will come tomorrow
so live for today
and bring good cheer
the smallest of deeds are the best of deeds
Remember a smile is a kindness and good deed

For Elena

Friend where are you
I see that your hope withers so
I been tháere
Down but not dead
On a railroad to the end
Paradise not to far
, What to do now
I stare blankly at you
Holding you close
Your spirit is beautiful
Chaos clouds the mind from time to time
Remember
To reside in the light
To fight the darkness
It may seem like a dead end
But your heart is pure as it can be
Even within the Insanity
Fight hard in this battle
For the war goes on
I love you for now and every more
Your eyes stare inside my soul
Serenity is near
Just reach for it
Reach out
I am here
To comfort you

The Ward

On this road again
Where am I
But the Ward of 36
Ringing in my ears
Are the echoes of insanity
This place is for healing
Yet I feel so tarnished
I'm broken
Not rebuilding quite yet
Unable to comprehend
I'm still on the rail road heading to the end
The change in Ward is that
Unable to harm
Unable to purge
Unable to cope
What am I
But insane in the membrane
I just want to end it all
But the rules have been set
No self harm
No suicide
After all this unit is meant for us
The broken ones
Ready for recovery
One pill
Two pills
Three and four
Is this what life is about
Struggle to live
I just want to give in
To the desires
Unable to cope
I seclude my self to my room
Slumber comes
Zzzz
Dreams of Bliss
Only to wake in reality
Depression is a strong thing
I just don't have any more skills
And it seems the pills are useless
What to do now
Here I am
Hi I'm borderline
Hi I'm depressed
Hi I'm sorry for the guilt that opens my heart
To those I love, to love myself fully
That is the greater skill
Hi I'm me
Free to be
Even with my disabilities
What is next to do
As I scream
On the inside
As the beast creeps inside me
Ready set go
Time is up
I'm Knocking on heavens door
Help me save me
From this dark insanity
To the path of clarity

Honest Grace

Here I am once again
Standing at a light
A Holiness
That shines through me
I see his hand reach for me
I shudder
Thinking it's his wrathful fist onto my gentle soul
Instead is warm and gentle
Is this what is meant to be loved by thy Lord
I bend my knee to him
Only him
The most high
I whisper in my heart
To him only
Will you heal my tarnished soul
It breaks at every emotion that runs havoc
Only if those I loved dearly
Do I understand now
That it was a test
So I confess to you oh Lord of light
Will you mend my heart and soul
So that I may walk with you and your Grace
Let it consume the darkness
In the dead of night
That whisper into my heart
Breaks me away
From the most high
King of Kings
In his name I praise and pray
Amen

Hope

Here am I
As I stand at the edge of spiritual path
Wanting nothing but inner peace
Rap rap rapping on the heart
I hear the hymns of the angels
As they gather to sing
How can I praise
I confess that the Lord king of Kings
Conquer my heart
Bare with me
I still feel lost
But Jesus holds me tight
For his love is enteral
Knock knock on heavens door
It's not yet time for me
It's time to put all my past good deeds in God's name
Will I wander again?
I hope not
For holding on to hope
Brings good cheer
So hold to your hope and bring good cheer
A smile is a kindness and a good deed
In Jesus name
Amen

Agony

Where to start
I am on the railroad to diaster
Clarity was sought
But not found only within death do we find true peace
To write love on my arms
I feel terrible
Even though I know it could be worse
Downright depressed
Where to go from here
High in the sky
I'm floating down the river of the galaxies
Tell me why
Must this agony in my heart make me tremble
Insanity in the menbrane
You think I'm joking when I say I'm not right
Please I know I am crazy
But moderated
Skills don't need no pills
But for sure they make me chill
Don't fret
It could be worse
It always could be worse
Sharps they call unto me
To use them
Within my insanity
Only time will tell
Till next time

Path: Borderline

I am sorry it has to come to this
Where i feel ripped apart
at my faults
I don't mean to be so high maintenance

Some will mistake me from a Drama Queen
Scared of death of labels
often am I referred to Felicia
"Goodbye Felicia "
Cruel words from the kettle

What's different for me
I can actually grasp some sort of reality
I understand it
It's often mistaken for sociopath behavior
on the path to serenity, i think not but on the path to some sort border
perhaps might as well name it Borderline paths for me

Don't be so hard to judge me so fast
do you understand the path is intertwined with
those eyes staring at me, millions upon millions of glimmering faces
never to conquer them but run to PRN
Self-esteem breakdown
I'm on railroad to fear
the worse anxiety I have felt

Just thinking about the Glimmer brings them scratching the surface and molded into vision

Tears roll upon my face
so much more
these as I'm raw
sensitive
a sponge waiting to suck up all the  emotions
unable to express normally
personally, i try to recover
be mindful of my emotions
be present in this moment

Another aspect of the path unwinding behind me
is not of the borderline
I connect with my friends all to well
and I'm blinded by my LOVE for them
so much that sometimes they are hurting me on the inside
that i must turn the blade to my skin

Only the crimson blood flows will satisfy me
one two three keep on going until there is nothing much bone left
I feel tarnished as the scars run all over my body
the urge grows stronger by the days that go by

Some say Reach reach out to someone who loves you back
what if you feel like a burden
you are left with a plea to God and those pleas are as empty as the emptiness consumes you

I am fed up with letting the disorder walk and wreak havoc on my life
can't leave it behind trying to forget
But walk hand in hand with it
you are one with borderline
Admit it
own it
express it
live and die with it

again hi I'm Borderline
don't judge me
we are all different
yet the same
we all have skills to deal with it
if you think I'm trying to trick you and control you with my words
when I reach out
you don't know me very well
it's not my intention
I'm broken
but just a bit dented with duct tape holding me together

Soon to be shattered
if I let every other personality break me
I will not break
because you what
I'm worth it
and never alone
Hope for today so tomorrow doesn't fade away

Words

Where am I?
but on my star not too far from reality
will I lose myself
will I prove to myself
will believe in me
so many questions
so much self-doubt
ar the brim of the ocean
Tears keep on flowing
never stop
because if I did I would be broken

I'm not broken
no no no
not then
not now and not tomorrow
I am strong and free
people believe in me
they truly love me
so then why cannot love self
why must hate flow
are they the desires of the devil
he ha ha ha he
devil show us self as you snicker from the hearts of humans
Greed runs all wars
Lust run everyone to deviant ways

Deviant, I am
trying to be humble
but fuck that
I should be proud
if not for self but for those who admire me
yes believe not people admire
fucked up as it seems

some judge me by the badges on my arms
what they don't know
am I hate myself so
for taking that blade

tick tock reality is about to break the barrier

I'm falling down and ascending to my body finally 
heart soul and spirit are one
I stand at the edge
once again will an angel come to my aid
surely because those thoughts run throughout of my maze 
the labyrinth of thy mind
I'm all over the place
never at peace
wanting but two things for self in life 
being happiness and peace

Is this attainable?

perhaps
Hope is here so near and dear
Have some heart
Don't lose your grasp
Sanity depends on it

Hope: golden light

I'm lost
Fear is in my grasp
My heart shakes from the aniexty
It hurts like a knife to the chest
My heart rate jumps and races to finish line
Feeling like I'm lost
Fear of being hurt
If not being accepted
From isolating the rainbow that I am
Will this be the case
Well I lose myself
Change
I used to fear it
But changing for betterment is good

I used to fear him
Oh what blessed community I have met
They opened not their arms but hearts
They like me have compassion
Who taught this a man no a son perhaps
He has a name don't be afraid to admit it

I accepted him in my heart
I say his name name often
I try to better myself for him to please him

Oh lord and savior
Jesus Christ
Lord you put me in the hospital room with my new found friend.
With my open-minded willingness, his kind heart that he learned
But from who you say but Lord Jesus Christ king of kings.
There was no judgment six days ago when I opened my mind to you thy Lord

Let us pray for one another that the ones who don't call to the king of kings Jesus Christ the father and the holy spirit. The golden trinity is calling for you lost one.

I was but lost but a loser
Now that I'm growing with God
Dare build my confidence and say winner.
I am in this light and glorious warm and everlasting
I'll hold my hand out to you my right hand holds to Jesus's hand
My grasp to him will hold me tight
My other hand I extend to my friends my family
I will help you the best way I can whenever possible
I will it but have purpose now
To show the world the love of the Lord
"For God loved the world, he sent his only begotten son."

Let us pray once again
Lord
I call upon you
To lift me up to cloud 9
Up to where heaven may reside
I don't need to cut to self harm to release anymore
For you where here for
Jesus Lord
Save me from myself
Bless those around me
Bless me
Keep me golden
Please
In your name
Amen

Hold onto your hope, perhaps it will transform into golden light of true hope.
I leave this with you
I'm getting better for the will of the glorious Lord and savior wants me to strive to live
So I will
Live
Hope for today so tomorrow a new day will remain...

Self love

this poem is dedicated to camp Fyrefly thank you for the last decade


Love
Self Love
I love myself
Many disagree with me
because they judge me ever so dearly
by what i wear or who i am
who I'm with or scars is the biggest issue of mine

Some people look at me and shake their heads with shame
To write love on her arms
i wasn't so lucky
love hadn't grasped me then
my mind was twisted
dare i say loser...
NO!!
there be a beating heart of flesh inside that Fyre
some know what i mean
others are left with questions
i was a small wall flower i felt inside that no one would notice what greatness i had
but that Fyre erupted so many years ago truly
A decade has past since i first stepped up for myself
I went from being a wall fly to Fyrefly
full of light and bright with light and hope for tomorrow that it truly gets better

Tears of joy my friends
as las i ponder and wounder on and on about youth that is behind me that young little wall flies such as i was just waiting for hope, spirit, youth. friendship, love with spark that
Write love on your arm
I know i will forever have Fyre in my heart to pass onward to young lings
to write love on my arm the left one where the Fyre is in the heart spirit and mind

Speak out loud
I had troubles with that
I can have speeches ready in minutes in spoken word too my poetry is rebuttal to the haters any day
So take your hate you homophobes
be a slave to your small minds that cant expand
think outside the box
things are much vibrant out here
the world isn't so black and white

Red
Orange
Yellow
Green
Blue
Purple
line me up with those colours on heart beating away
thump thump goes the beats
Speak up little ones
have a voice
Spark that Fyre
let it fly
Fly across the sky
Rainbow of hope
To love myself without words on my skin
To have Hope Faith Spirit Youth Life
and most important Love

Love

To write love on your arm