Surviving Time

This pain runs deep
Within my body and soul
It shakes my every being
Right down to the core
Where the light resides
Darkness comes from afar
Only to realize that darkness was always there
Lurking under the light
They cannot exist without one another
There comes a time
When the pain is so unreal
That I take that blade and cut
Now I'm here within these walls
Safety safety is here
I'm left to pounder in the solitude
Am I worth while?
Will things change?
Unable to reach out
I sink to a spiritual low
My mind is swollen with darkness
Shall I take my last breath
Surely this is currently the way
Without light darkness resides
And in that emotions roll on by
Emotional pain
Shakes my every being
As I pounder
What will change
I have changed but I still sink down
Only time now will tell
If I survive or die

Friends

Long ago there was us
Tarnished so
But then we met
Indeed it was meant to be
Tarnished indeed
My soul leads me
To the stars in the night sky
Your warm arms
Soothe me so
A hug for me
A hug to you
Serenity in your arms
As the heart and soul
Burns slowly so
I feel like I lost an eternity
To the sadness but when I met you
You saved me
Friends for life
Friends indeed
Bring the light to the soul
I will stand by you
During tarnished bring of heart and soul
Depression is here and near to us all
But with you my friends I am safe
From the darkness
Because your smile brings light
My arms around you
As you hold me tight
I surrender
With you
Serenity is near and dear
It's no longer a dream
But a reality

Frustration

Frustrated to the max
Why can't I take it
Unable to comprehend hope
On the brink of darkness
Will I take the plunge
I'm trying
If I wasn't
I'd take the blade and slice and dice
To the max
Infection in my skin
Let it run its course
I just want to end it all
But there is little light inside my mind
Deep breaths
In and out
Helps calm the mind
I don't know what to do
Shall I leap to my destiny
In this long battle
A decade has passed
Still no cure
I'm drowning in emotions
They conquer what is left of my heart
So retreat to my solitude
Depression is there
I don't care
Slumber away the day and night
Slumber the depression
So the light can come
Full force
What do while I wait
Take your medication
Even though it doesn't work fully
If it worked then I wouldn't be so tarnished
Railroad to destiny
I finally agree
Hope for today
Even when sanity is away
Insane for now in the cycle of chaos
I wished upon the stars
Will I live again
Or follow the darkness
Only time will tell

The Ward

On this road again
Where am I
But the Ward of 36
Ringing in my ears
Are the echoes of insanity
This place is for healing
Yet I feel so tarnished
I'm broken
Not rebuilding quite yet
Unable to comprehend
I'm still on the rail road heading to the end
The change in Ward is that
Unable to harm
Unable to purge
Unable to cope
What am I
But insane in the membrane
I just want to end it all
But the rules have been set
No self harm
No suicide
After all this unit is meant for us
The broken ones
Ready for recovery
One pill
Two pills
Three and four
Is this what life is about
Struggle to live
I just want to give in
To the desires
Unable to cope
I seclude my self to my room
Slumber comes
Zzzz
Dreams of Bliss
Only to wake in reality
Depression is a strong thing
I just don't have any more skills
And it seems the pills are useless
What to do now
Here I am
Hi I'm borderline
Hi I'm depressed
Hi I'm sorry for the guilt that opens my heart
To those I love, to love myself fully
That is the greater skill
Hi I'm me
Free to be
Even with my disabilities
What is next to do
As I scream
On the inside
As the beast creeps inside me
Ready set go
Time is up
I'm Knocking on heavens door
Help me save me
From this dark insanity
To the path of clarity

Half Way to Sanity

It's getting out of control
Cut into me
Until nothing is left
Misery is my company
I clearly do not care
As each cut brings desires to devour
But I don't
Because I'm half way to sanity
I'm on the road to chaos
The voices echo inside my head
One cut two cut the cut four
When will it stop
When will I love self for eternity
Hear me scream inside the insanity
I don't know what ruptures me
To cut so deeply
The blood swells and flows down my skin
Staining my snow White skin
One two three...
Four five six
Will it ever end
I hurt those so
The hearts that I care for
They care for me
But here I am in my insanity
Hear me
Echoes in the vast abyss
Crying in my heart
Everything brings sadnesses
But even with darkness there is light

Rationalize

Why must I control myself
Unable to rationalize in the moments
That reaches to the soul
Key to my heart
Hear my spirit roar
Unable to want self to recover
Complete defiance
Tears roll down my face
Burning my eyes
Why must it be this way
Yes I have tired
What would that be called
Distraction to justify
A release of issues
Do not grab a tissue
Maybe now that I've been thinking of suicide
Today anyways
Tonight now
Tomorrow
I know I'm worth it
Yet I try to rationalize
To feel
To bend my mind
Mindfulness to the max
Try some DBT they said
Bah whatever been there done that it helps for but seconds on the reel.
Try to cope...

Wrecking havoc

Reckless how can it be
As I stand in solitude
Desperate for each breath I take
I feel as though I may suffocate to the max
Unable to comprehend the hurt I have endured
Unable to flinch at the shining light
As the darkness overcomes the light
Bringeth emptiness within a blink of the eye
I know
That this is my insanity
I wait and wait for the course to change
But I'm rampid on destruction of the heart
Ready my battle scars to bleed
Within the every lasting darkness
Sweep me up
On a railroad to anxiety
My mood is so unstable I do not know what will come of my heart and soul
I wear my badges on my arms to sever my flow
Dare I say
Cycle of chaos
Dare me to live
To breath
To fight to be a champion
Not on this route
Emotional rollercoaster
I been called and sure feels like quite a ride
In every lasting hellfire of the heart
Hurt me so
No I hurt me so
So nothing can hurt me more than self
I can handle anything expect
Loneliness