Sriving for uncertainty

Creating chaos at The rim

Unable to comprehend what worthwhile hope is

Am I valuable?

For I feel worthless

Stuck in the abyss

Wanting to dismiss

Despair reading its spear

To pierce the heart ever so

To devastate

To create chaos

Calculated chaos at the brim

Bursting at the seams not knowing what to do

I Fall to my knees calling to my Lord

Reckoning that the light will save me

Perhaps this is right indeed

The Noor is here

To follow the light

To know the light

To want the light

Wanting to strive on in this world of despair

Anxiety to the max, an old familiar feeling

Uncertainty that I will win

I strive on always

Stronger at every moment

Around the bend I go running from the darkness

Hoping for light to come

Finding that with my Lord indeed

For he is the light that I seek

Allah The Almighty

Blessed Be

From you to me

To bring serenity

To want happiness

To bring the peace

Stopping destruction

Wanting more

Striving on

Will this be it?

Here I am

Walking my path of destruction

But always striving for the Noor

Upon tomorrow to come

Rise each day blessing thy Lord

Bismillah to start

Alhamdulillah to end

What must I comprehend?

That be hope

Hoping for today 

So tomorrow doesn't fade

The haze is here

I am but lost, not no more

For the light shines on

Shining through the mist

Of my heart and soul

Shall I dismiss?

Perhaps time will tell

What the heart seeks

For the light is near and dear

For the darkness is familiar

So seek the light for you will find hope there in 

Midnight Ponder

What is right?

Perhaps this might be the guide

I feel a pull inside of me

Unable to comprehend if it's right

Instead the uncertainty sets

Causing doubts within eman

Wanting nothing more but to understand

Having confusion to the max

Unable to comprehend hope

Darkness is here and near

It's slumbers upon humanity

But God said Be and here we are being

I'll be walking the deen in this Dunya

This corrupt world

Darkness within the heart

Corruption within the soul

Is this right?

Perhaps this is what light truly is

What would light be if there was no darkness to counter?

I've fallen to the ground

Was this fall meant to be?

Confusion to the max

Fear of what is different

But is this right?

My soul yearns for what is right

Even in the muck of confusion

I can see what the truth is

Even in the darkness

There shall be the light knocking

Screaming to let in

For the heart has hardened

For all the self-hate

Within myself

So

Am I right to accept the light?

When darkness corrupts my soul

Here I am pondering upon insanity

Is this truly meant for me?

Walking destruction

Chaos as I go

Calculated chaos

I'm able to comprehend this

But I cannot comprehend what the light is

For my soul is tarnished

Broken Beyond Bend

Shattered Beyond limit

And I scream and I scream so silently

Why must I be this way?

In the everlasting fight

Up down all around insanity is here

For the motions are going

Over and over again

Will this be different this time?

Perhaps time will tell

Before it's too late

And I end it all

Where is this hope?

Where to find?

Twisted

Corrupt

Blissful

Loving

Rager

Empathy

So many statements

Labels ever so

I am but me

Within this insanity

I find that there is only one worthy of worship

That is Allah the almighty the most beneficial the most merciful

So seek him always

Always

For darkness shall always be overcome by the light

For Allah is that noor

So perhaps I should follow the way

Being pulled from every direction

Here I am pondering upon my soul

Midnight fun here we go

hope on happiness

Falling into the darkness

Standing at the wall of solitude

To Bear witness

That insanity is what deems me to be

Is this my jihad?

A true struggle

Needing something more

Running on the railroad

Wanting it all to end

To slip on sanity

To know what comes with doom

To reckon what is right

Perhaps it is in this light

But darkness fades into thy heart

Here I am wrecking my mind

Broken, tarnished and wrecked

Shall I dismiss the abyss

Does this mean that I'm lost indeed

Do I know what this means

I scream and scream

Reckoning with the Almighty

What is meant for me them and I

Are those whispers so deeply real?

Upon this time

Upon the light

Upon hope

To find Hope

To grasp it within all

Infinity everlasting love

Sought by all

Destruction is here

Shall it be pure

The pain, the tarnish and the doom

What will become of me?

Within what is deemed

Chaotic of the heart

A blade to the skin

Repeating one on one

What does this mean to be

Broken Beyond perhaps I can redeem

For sanity is needed

To acquire this hope

To keep your grasp

Shall I seek thy Lord

For him to conquer the darkness within my heart

Seeking refuge with Allah from the acursed Satan

Let this happiness be

Afraid not of what is come to be

Can I be free to want happiness

For maybe the illusion of the heart

For this is my delusion

That happiness is attainable

For the delusion is of the mind madness conquers all

Breaking my soul open to the Lord

To save me from myself

To let me accept

What the true light is

One can only hope

Bicker

What am I?

Am I defeated?

Broken beyond the bend

Seeking solitude of the heart

For the emotions are overbearing

As they sway in and out of the heart

Devastating every motion

Defeated?

Perhaps not

For the light inside is knocking

Knocking on the darkness

Breaking its way through

For light will prevail

For it seeks the solitude to save you

Defeated I think not

Striving onwards always

When broken beyond the bend 

I am but rebuilding

Seeking the Noor

Treading through the darkness

Never giving in

Struggling to prevail

But what is life without jihad

Striving onwards towards the light

Away from the darkness

Away from the Snickers

To find true solitude but within the light

Unity with heart and soul

Reckoning that this is right for me

Yet bicker on and on if devastation shall be

In this everlasting cycle of Chaos

For insanity is here, near, and dear

Part of me

So let it be even within this insanity

Life of deeds

Strive on words

Finally let it be

Running 4 hope

Running on the stairway

Not knowing where to go

Head for the stairs to the bottom

For the darkness heeds the heart

It shifts and turns, the blade sways unto every being

To find emptiness, broken

Am I disappearing?

What will become of me

Looking towards the Noor

Up the stairs

Running for bliss

I breathing clearly

As high as I come

The Lord calls me

My soul draws near

Almost to the top

Striving, determined, and wanting something more

We are but slaves to Allah

Seek to please him

What is this noor

Everlasting bliss

That I shall not dismiss

I'm here being

As God says to Be

The Lord I reckon it's light

Meaning for all

Creation deserves to be saved

Saving yourself and then others

Never giving up

Running on the stairway

Knowing finally at the moment what to do

To strive for the Noor

To find serenity

Please bring this Bliss

For you and I

con 2 the fusion

Getting the bubble is about to burst

Screaming so insanely

Pulled to the edge

Sanding mourning but for this to end

Looking at the edge

Wanting to take a leap

Feeling sunken 

Like an old ship

Young but old

Will I wake ever

From this illusion

It's this reality

The shade falls to my heart

Suffocating they light

Darkness shall reign

Creeping emtional damage

Broken beyond the bend

Here I am

Standing tall

For Allah will save me from myself

For Islam is the best of the medication you could take

Allah the most forgiving the most loving

He is the greatest of all

Allahu Akbar

Am I free

Finally from these shackles they lock my light away

I recite so slightly

The confusion

It conquers my mind

But still thy Lord

Always

I am broken aspired to rebuild

From the strength you have given me

Alhamdulillah 

We be free

To choose

Are you ready?

I know I am

Striving for Noor

Following this path into the abyss of the forest in the mist

Only to come to a conclusion where the heart resides

Where to find that Noor?

Why do I demand such things to be gone?

Burden so by society I am

I followed the floor

The carpet laid out for me

I follow the path into the night

To arise at dawn ready for the day

To raise my hands and say

Allahu Akbar

Shall I be this way?

Stuck within Bliss

I shall dismiss this darkness that resides

Allowing the light inside

Here I am pondering

Upon time to come soon

Will there ever be an end to all this disaster?

Only time will tell for that to be

So recognize these

Love those who need

Help humanity

Guide one another to the Noor

Upon this day that's risen

I shall call upon my prayer

Let there be peace within my heart

I shall find serenity within this indeed

Ready for a deed

Ready to begin

Ready to start again

Onwards to strive on

help

Help me

Chaos is here

Never letting go

As the light disappears

Sure food and beer are allowed

But those who need the community

Are shunned

No ago

No ssa

No help for the mentally

I'm buried in my feelings, ready set go

On mania let it flow

Striking daring do I say

Beyond what we need

For help us so

Conquered in the chaos

Is this what deemed for me?

No help

Radio for the final breaths so I need

I can't stand the carnage

This leads to devourer

Don't let this desire go

Got to be in a cage, with the darkness within three light, for it will always coexist

We the people be deemed too

Hello with this

Going stray on the bend of books with the chaos

The eye of the storm

I don't want to give in

Unfortunately these be hard times

Here

Here again

Broken

Ripped to peices

Can I comprehend

This Bliss, shall I dismiss

Within the Shadow

Burns thee, Insanity beyond the brink

Coping once again

Thou hast cast this upon thee

Shall I see

Those patterns for me

Second guess, is it shayton?

I seek refuge in Allah, from shayton

In the name of God

The beneficial, The merciful

Shall this deemed for me

A time of death, ripping thy roots

I scream hear thee

Whisk of the sounding

I breath, stuck with the Insanity

Rage flows with me

I can't stop, carnage there

Wanting nothing but to devour

Heart and Soul

I'm left with thee who indeed

But Allah

Seemed for me, qadar written in the footsteps

Of a shepherd step

Finding God

Not losing Hope

Here right now

Ready to let the chaos in

This happens to be my fate

Even within the light

There will be forever darkness

Let it Be

 Hearing the echos of sanity

Is this deemed for me?

As the tears drip and bear

Unbearable these are

The eccence of the Lord

Allahu

Save thee from thy darkness

It twists, cuts, and burns

Swift as the current that be's

You said Be

Allah so there I am

Why the insanity?

The darkness?

The fates that be, are they truly destined for me

Am I still one with the deen?

I strive for thee, oh Allah indeed

I cannot defy the fate, what Haq truly is

I searched so long

Free me

The insanity burns in me, tarnished as the deed see's

Where I am?

I am Lost, within the darkness

Losing hope

Still striving

Losing out on thy eman

I plea and plea with Allah indeed

Oh Allah save me from the destruction

Save from his whisper

Into the heart

Twisting reality

Shall this be Qadar

Why for me

I plea, with Allah indeed

I try and so I truly strive

Life in this world is but a test

Within the deen, in this dunya

We will fight

Our Jihad is with us

Alhamduillah

For the good and bad, its right to be thankful

So with thee, I ponder upon this deen

Shall the insanity be for me?

Shall hope strive with thee in the darkness?

Only time will tell

Ready To Go

 Where am I?

I find myself lost, on the edge

Wandering into the galaxies 

Star sprinkled bliss, ready to show you the way

Walking into the abyss, I'm left here pondering

Shall I shout and shout shout and scream it all out

Deadly deeds have arrived

Countering deaths deadly deed

Blood soak skin, will the flow ever stop

I am here, inside my head screaming for the forces to let me go

I want to be free, I never am

For hope is lost, at the moment dead inside

I reckon

Help me, no one cares

I am stuck in insanity, let that deem whats for me

I scream as the insanity bleeds into thy soul

I ready to let go, why must it be this way

Confusion of the heart mind and soul

Ready set go, another day, and another time

Bliss here there and everywhere

Just got to find a flake or too

I am ready to end this all, but I stop myself

There this time, I will stop

The devourer doesnt listen

To hate self, to maybe love self

To reach out, let go

Happiness is but an illusion of the heart

Depression is real and its ready to deal

Darkness leads to the abyss

Then it sucks thy soul

I am ready to let go

Though I am bounded by my emotions

Shall I rip tear to not care

I swear I do, even with a gaping hole in my soul

Now ready to let go

Please God save me from myself

Lets Go!

Inshallah ameen

Oh Allah I feel so lost
I am here begging you to end all
I am me and sure I be
How I suffer, and this makes me bitter
Yet I am here alhamduillah
Bowing my head to the ground for you alone
I want to seek haq, but I'm left in despire
Inshallah I call your name
Ar Rahman never leave me
I am truly lost without you
I feel as though the devourer is near
Shall I cut and burn, to ready the blade
To consume the darkness, letting emptiness break free
Inshallah Inshallah never let me lose hope
I just dont want to be
nevermind this world, nor the afterlife
Why must it hurt so much?
Being alone, and lonliness kills
I just want to be free
These chains holding me
Broken and beyond the bend
Here I pleaing for another time
Oh Allah, Forgive me for what I am
Have mercy, Oh merciful
Allah I love you, more than my self
I love the prophet Muhammad saw
He showed the world you
With you choosing him as the final the seal
May he rest well in jannah
Am I broken?  That I seek hellfire
Oh Allah make in easier for me, give us who are lost shifa
Making it easier for others who suffer pain, love, poverty, opression, lonliness
Ameen Ameen

Here Today Now

Cut breath say it's ok

Wander stagger fall

Unto your doom, chaos in the heart

Deemed for me, old habits arise

The devouring spirit screams

I am ready to cut the flesh

To slice away your dreams

Chaos of the heart is open, ready to be free

Yet my serenity is chained down

Not moving a bit, so I slice away my dreams

It's just a bloody mess, why do I seek the darkness?

What will save me from the insanity?

God almighty has been with me, but I turn my back

To him, Almighty All seeing All knowing

Shall I pray to him, to save me from myself

That old dirty devil snickers away 

Bismillah 

I am not alone, even though loneliness seeks me

Ready to catch the fire deemed for me

The sweet rivers of honey and wine are not destined for me

Ready it's nearly noon

Got to go, to where badges on my arm 

That's my story, time to let go

Start anew, Inshallah.

Deadly

Suffocation is a must

Will this be what's next?

Pack, Push, Light, Inhale, Exhale

A slight feeling of serenity

To feel relief from the tarnished flesh that be's

Ready the knife, unless the high gets to you first

Am I ready?

To beat this?

I am stuck within the center

Edge walker, falling into the abyss

I am here, pondering upon reality

Is this meant to be

Can I be free

I am stuck with this deed, a deadly deed

Is meant to be forever, it's already been 11 years

I feel like I’m breaking free

From the chain that harness my will

I am here, ready to catch the fire

To inhale serenity, access my willingness to feel

Exhale all the darkness, can I harness this deadly deed

As the years go on and on

I am here, running from the addiction

It's clear as day, but I cannot see beyond the haze

It threatens my life, as I breath a breath of a deadly deed

So I can free of the true deadly deed

I am ready to fight the night, to conquer the soul

Confusion

Bang bang Bang Bang

I I I

Free to be, even though the insanity

Clear as day, within the haze

Rapidly screaming, shouting, running

Is it with Glee?

Does it define me?

In this chaotic life

Cycle of doom

Ready

I am me, needing to be free

Can't stand to me tied up

No I won't settle, it's clear as day

Insanity is here

Confusion of the heart mind soul

Where do I stand with God, and where oh where shall I be?

Here I am, Free

Tell me one thing

Is it worth it?

All the frustration

Smart as I can be

It seems the confusion wins each battle

Distorted feelings that be within, outward they are

Present, I am here

Along for the ride

So Hold on

Next let Go to be Free

Falling in to the well of doom
Drowned in emotions to assume
It dank and dank down here
So something long forgotten lurks here
I thought I was free
Silly me
Far from thee light

I'm drifting
Wandering upon the dreams that come to thee
Here
Do you see
Beyond whats needed
Outside the box

Soaring upon the bliss

Wait this is but millisecond
I can hardly breath
Puff Puff Pass

Why cant I be free

Does the depression conquer the heart?
OR have the lungs die?

Both are the killer

I am me
Stuck beyond reality

Illusions here there everywhere
Visionary Yes its Scary

I am strong
But even weakness is here a tad to dear

Something is wrong
Within the nights mist
Snowing bliss

Here I am
Puff Puff Puffing
once again
for something other than the so called medication
Time to say
What needs to be said

I scream within my illusion hoping it to be my reality

Are you listening?
Do you hear me?
What is next?

Beyond the deadly deeds

I scream as insanity is what is clear to me

So let it be
Even within this destiny

A Way To See

Ruptured heart beats clear the way
Is this is what to to come of myself
To drip on the bliss, to sip happiness
Only one millisecond to please the deed
Inhaling joy, what is to come with me

So many badges deemed for me
To wear my heart on my sleeve

Visionary to carry
A deadly deed, to a good deed

To beg to the one
Allahu
Allahu
Where are you?
What is next on the agenda of Qadar

I scream
Within my heart
To be shattered beyond reality
Is this whats meant for me

I plea
Oh so lord
What will come of thee
Will I ever sun soaked bliss
Never residing in the heart
Until the end
The last breath draws near

To be clear
To see
To reflect

Scattered
Confused
Lost
Bent but not broken
To freeze in a fight, fly beyond the deadly deed, to fight the fright away.

Is this meant for me
Hold me tight
Noor hold me
Whats not destined
Can I be free, to say to humanity
To Save ones self
That is key

Screaming me

Oh so mighty
Struck to the heart to be
Stuck in a high such as cloud nine
up up I go
Shall I breath my last breath
To suffocate beyond bliss
Illusions of patterns ruin me
To be born this way
Makes one wonder
If God almighty is just
To Suffer what is this
Tarnished every so
I'm stuck writing upon my heart with a bloody Quill of pain

To be sipping on bliss

To choke on serenity

I seek Refuge
In you alone
As I scream inside outside to be
Allahu Allahu Allahu

To recite bliss
To be within a drip of serenity
To seek, to be
Is this meant to be

Wandering on star based board
Roll on the dice
The gamble of life
Shall he win
His whispers that follow me
Drown him out
I recite thee
The last three of a surah deemed for me you i and the insanity

This must be destiny

I scream
Allahu Save me
From this insanity

I'm barely hanging on my edge
Whats meant for me
To Suffer
To scream
IS THIS ME?

Upon this day

There is but hustle and oh so bustle

To prepare for what is deemed right in this day

To be

To smile

A kindness one two three four, how many more?

Does it matter what is reality beyond the illusion

Shall I reside what is light?

Perhaps this is right, but back to the endless day

With smiles and good cheer

To not isolate

To sink beyond help, but I reckon this light is for me

Is it beyond reality?

Sure this is me

Hope is but a glimmer beyond the chaos

So here I am pondering upon this time

To not be lost within out of minds for the chaos will reap our hearts

Here we are being beyond the sanity, but what a grasp it is

To ponder wander and wonder

Perhaps this will save a life or two…

What Has to Be

Upon time
I am here
Do I drift into what is deemed the light
To rip up the tears
To sigh relief
They roll down my face, am I ready to express?
To be free, as I breath
Where am I?

Upon Time
Free to be, as I drift.
Get ready am I right to be this tonight
To rip, to tear, burn ever so lightly
This may be, a part of the past

Get ready, here I am
Free with glee
Even within this destiny
For hope is near and dear
Another millisecond here and gone

What am I?
To be here within thy mind
Its my fate, what the power be

Sucking up bliss, to exhale desire
The desire to go beyond what is deemed blissful
A gasp of this bring the tip
To Suffocate
its time to be
Right for me
Is this what is my fate
shall I be ready for what is needed

here they come
one by one
up down
side to side
Vision so lightly
A pattern deemed what meant to be
In this bliss that will be dismissed
To hope to be
Far from this reality
What is needed?
is this right?