no ways

Why must the days start this way

Will this day ever end

A phase of mania, you see a hypo state of being

There's lots of different types of mania don't people know pick up book don't you want to know

Educate yourself about society seek that knowledge let It be deemed for you and allow you to teach others

Don't take judgment into your heart and don't cast judgment on others

No one knows another person unless they've walked a mile in their shoes said someone a while ago

As it twists and turns within my mind

Not knowing what reality is

And coming to the conclusion that there is no hope

No cure

No comfort

What is the point of living if you just get worse and worse as you age

I sure don't feel like I have hope

Everly my mood I'm on cloud nine you see I have nothing to stop me from doing a deadly deed so I write I scribe I want everyone to see I'm perfectly imperfect and this is what is meant for humanity

This may seem like a rant rather than a poem but I'm writing it in the mania of phase

May God give me patience within myself and within my health

My body aches from all the stress

My heart hurts from the anxiety

I don't want to be anymore

I just want to be free of my illness

But happiness is an illusion you see

For me anyways

Happiness can lead to mania

Oh great that's so thankful of God

And this creates bitterness within God

I don't know why I have to be so full of rage and angry and stressed and depressed and hateful and all these things I don't want to be this way I want to be Lindsey again but I'm not Lindsey anymore

Too many tears are wept each day

And I'm done on living so perhaps I'll see you tomorrow or another lifetime Allahu Allim

Where

 So where, somewhere

Floating along a uncertain path

Where to go, do you know?

Seeking the deeds, but crumbling inside

The soul is deemed, and the patience is running out

Dare I say I am no longer hoping

Some say do there

Others say do that

Don't you understand

This is life, soon to run out of medication

Not because I am bad,  because I'm superwomen healing so great

To devolop keloid scars

You know what, the art and ink upon my flesh

Is not vanity, I am covering the darkness

I don't self harm through ink

There thats said, another to spend

Upon this destiniy, do I do breath, not striving

Never hoping, I fear the most of those i love I would hurt

Its twists and turns with carnage there

Get ready for the insanity the chaos to be

Can I do what I want, thats strive for Allah

So much holds me back

Bitterness with life and qadar

What help me, Slipping into the old ways

Who cares?

Not me

Others do, but I can no longer hope

Breaking not rebuilding

When will this end, what will be?

Wither

 Round, roundin, round, roudin

Here we go, start again

1 2 3, on the bend

What is next, laughing with deeds

Not knowing the sight to see

Here they are, whispering within thy mind

What to see, but to be build within sight and mind

To seek refuge, even though you shifted beyond reality

Once again Murmer hope, what pleases you

My heart is wounded

It bleeds, full of holes

Where shall I go?

Everything I built for, is gone

Lonliness is about the bend

Jerking tears, to not be with what one hold dear

To have them have eachother

Singing joyus word

Wonders of emotions

Smiles

So many hopes

Cheer, having cheer

I am Trying, but it sweeps in the night

Getting ready to choke

Is it ready, pack pack puff puff 

I suffocate indeed

Is this what I want

To suffocate

Freedom of will

As it withers, what is the point?

Do I hope, how can I?

I am Lost, Fading, Disappearing.....

Let it Be

 Hearing the echos of sanity

Is this deemed for me?

As the tears drip and bear

Unbearable these are

The eccence of the Lord

Allahu

Save thee from thy darkness

It twists, cuts, and burns

Swift as the current that be's

You said Be

Allah so there I am

Why the insanity?

The darkness?

The fates that be, are they truly destined for me

Am I still one with the deen?

I strive for thee, oh Allah indeed

I cannot defy the fate, what Haq truly is

I searched so long

Free me

The insanity burns in me, tarnished as the deed see's

Where I am?

I am Lost, within the darkness

Losing hope

Still striving

Losing out on thy eman

I plea and plea with Allah indeed

Oh Allah save me from the destruction

Save from his whisper

Into the heart

Twisting reality

Shall this be Qadar

Why for me

I plea, with Allah indeed

I try and so I truly strive

Life in this world is but a test

Within the deen, in this dunya

We will fight

Our Jihad is with us

Alhamduillah

For the good and bad, its right to be thankful

So with thee, I ponder upon this deen

Shall the insanity be for me?

Shall hope strive with thee in the darkness?

Only time will tell

What was once there is not here
captured by the darkness, and let the hurt begin
they whisper and it devastates me
beyond what is this reality
As the mind sees
Stuck within the dust
Suffocating on the smoke
He snickers
Is this right I ponder upon time
Is this is whats meant to be
To ready the blade
To quote the flame
Why must I be here within the chaos deemed for you and I
Let it be said I shall walk in the shadows
Never knowing what peace is

To seek bliss
Shall this reap thy heart
Thump Thump
My heart rate is up
Unfortunate to gather this state of serenity
must I conquer this desire
To be tarnished beyond repair

There is something that may conquer the war

Tainted beyond repair

Who are we but the tarnished
A sinner in a world full of sin
One might be able to conquer him the Godhead
Who shall this be deemed to set me free
A light comprehended beyond what is right
And this light is for me surely for you
I reckon this us mighty to set me free

I fall to my knees to accept you to set me free
Is this right
I am but engraved in falsehood
What I think is true is beyond reality
I scream only to be heard by the snicker and he is there always
Am I burdened?
So am I never gonna win
Why fight the fright
Shall never give up
That's my will and surely my life
That I give to thy lord to take
To guide me through recovery of the heart
Lord to kingdom do I  come
Am I worthwhile?

Lord of the light
Conquer the darkness
That reaps reason
Lord you are the warmth of heart and soul
Destined for me and those who are deemed for you
All of the tarnished ever so...

Upon this day

There is but hustle and oh so bustle

To prepare for what is deemed right in this day

To be

To smile

A kindness one two three four, how many more?

Does it matter what is reality beyond the illusion

Shall I reside what is light?

Perhaps this is right, but back to the endless day

With smiles and good cheer

To not isolate

To sink beyond help, but I reckon this light is for me

Is it beyond reality?

Sure this is me

Hope is but a glimmer beyond the chaos

So here I am pondering upon this time

To not be lost within out of minds for the chaos will reap our hearts

Here we are being beyond the sanity, but what a grasp it is

To ponder wander and wonder

Perhaps this will save a life or two…

What shall this bring

Shall I oppressed?
beaten down?
barely able comprehend, is it time?
To rise and shine
to ready this time
its the endless block of life
I am here
beaten to the ground
so much that my spirit is twisted
Am I me?
Within my destiny
shall I reap
I stand tall
to beat oppression
to stand for truth
Compassion is needed for this
walk within what we think is reality
To drift upon the universe I'm here
not knowing what is next
unable to control whats right even if proven wrong
here I within my destiny
to burn
to suffer
I suffocate until its time
do I define
what my reality is
and brings me near to death
knocking on a demons door
waiting to see who answers
death her self
Gasping suffocating oppressed
I am gone
I am not right...

within this night

Here I am
within this time
as its endless
to forget
in the bliss
is it worth while?
now is a time
to be
within the insanity
calm before the storm
I feel that this is destiny
with making a deal with the old devil
is it right
in this night
as time goes throughout the bliss
do i dismiss
within this
I'm stuck deep in this emotion
to be buried
in my own personal hell
as i push and twist and turn those around me
i want to be with them
but the emotion rips
and tears
and let the tears swell up
to burn the skin gently so
I am here
being me
stuck in the insanity of thy mind
do i define
what is mine
personal hell
I'm here
near and dear to the heart
why must this be!
what shall I do?
but to ponder as the sunsets
and when she arises
the time has reset
another day another deed
will this suddenly be reality
is this my destiny
perhaps its time to be
here I am being
this is right
within the time of the day
I can cope
barely here
lost in the abyss of the bliss

Beyond this abyss

Hopelessness lingers
Until the abyss
Is beyond the brim
Beyond repair
I stare
I'm there
Here to stay
As each dream turns from wonder to reality
I'm left pondering
With such fate
Will be able to bring the patterns of chaos to a halt
Until the times folds
I'm left pondering into the nights darkness
as insomnia burdens me
1am 2am 5am
I'm still here
Laying in my bed
Wandering into thy mind
upon time
I don't like these feelings
I'm barely me
stuck in this insanity
I ponder into the abyss
not loosing sight
for what right
Light
Hope
Peace
Serenity
this is for me
within my destiny
one can hope so anyways
until again

Wrecked

I've wrecked havoc on my heart
My emotions run rampid on desires
Old thoughts arise
A blade that is hidden is revealed
Shall I take it and move into the delicate skin
Letting the crimson blood flow
Hitting the floor gently so
Unable to comprehend what is right
Sharp turns of flame
Bubble and burn
Scorched tarnished
Ever so
What will come
This out come of hopelessness

Time will tell
If the mania wins
If the depression consumes
That the people condemn
One Friend
Two friend
One less two less
Three four
Here I am
Loneliness kills
Unable to cope
I bend and break
For the pressure is to tiring

What will this be year bring

Under pressure
Under insanity
Under anger
Hopelessness
Sets in

Light comes a knockin

Will I let her in

Time is endless
I'm here pondering
Brooding away the desires

Am I in the right?

Or am I wrong for this desire?

Time will tell
What is right
Here I am
Worrying
Panicking
Wondering
Pondering
Thinking
Until next time
Wandering into the night sky
Insomnia that bends my will
I'm lost
But not yet done

For Elena

Friend where are you
I see that your hope withers so
I been tháere
Down but not dead
On a railroad to the end
Paradise not to far
, What to do now
I stare blankly at you
Holding you close
Your spirit is beautiful
Chaos clouds the mind from time to time
Remember
To reside in the light
To fight the darkness
It may seem like a dead end
But your heart is pure as it can be
Even within the Insanity
Fight hard in this battle
For the war goes on
I love you for now and every more
Your eyes stare inside my soul
Serenity is near
Just reach for it
Reach out
I am here
To comfort you

Frustration

Frustrated to the max
Why can't I take it
Unable to comprehend hope
On the brink of darkness
Will I take the plunge
I'm trying
If I wasn't
I'd take the blade and slice and dice
To the max
Infection in my skin
Let it run its course
I just want to end it all
But there is little light inside my mind
Deep breaths
In and out
Helps calm the mind
I don't know what to do
Shall I leap to my destiny
In this long battle
A decade has passed
Still no cure
I'm drowning in emotions
They conquer what is left of my heart
So retreat to my solitude
Depression is there
I don't care
Slumber away the day and night
Slumber the depression
So the light can come
Full force
What do while I wait
Take your medication
Even though it doesn't work fully
If it worked then I wouldn't be so tarnished
Railroad to destiny
I finally agree
Hope for today
Even when sanity is away
Insane for now in the cycle of chaos
I wished upon the stars
Will I live again
Or follow the darkness
Only time will tell