Hatred

Hate who needs it

so many people do i meet have it

i see it in their hearts

because i have fissrah

fissrah is but a burden most times

but at least i can use it for my betterment

to stay away from the haterz

I see a recently made friend being attacked

would you do the same as me

say she is nice and that haterz is wrong

i did so and received some hate as well

oh the wire

infested with the larva of shaytan

he whispers in our hearts that hate

I barely have any hate left

i would lying that i was not bitter from leaving islam

that bitterness turned to hate soon from infulices from shaytan

but hate just darkens your heart

did our savior hate his enemies 

did he curse all those who hated him

from what i read he did not

and that was his human side

that is way to admire our lord

and take his teachings and change our hearts

because believe me shaytan is hitting all of us hard these days

but prophecys are coming true

God only knows what will come

I dont think im in the life time of end

but surely i am seeing some of the final days

and that scares me

because shaytan will deceive those close to God

by putting darkness in our hearts

for he is a vile beast that will infect 

puss will overflow and infest our bodies until nothing is left

so remeber not to brood to long

and always forgive

even if you need to forgive yourselves firstly beforehand

remeber fissrah is but a burden but with the right light it can see the inner good

and what i saw last night hurts me so

because i feel what the fissrah shows me

but i dont let it control me

because it surely would take control

and then fissrah would be outcontrol

and i would die soon after froma  flood of over emotions good and bad

not knowing which is right

its come close to happening before 

that is one of my fears

and only hate that can start that hate onwards to self

many people think i hate myself

my body is but scarred 

and i want nothing more to make more

but thats wrong

for God loves me

so haterz take my heed

dont let it overflow your heart for your surely lost from our Lord

Dreams

Sometimes we find our selves out of reality
may it be a dream or an illusion
Sometimes i cannot tell the diffrence
are dreams souly happening when we are in our comfy beds asleep
or are they day dreams
sitting off in the class room having distant thoughts of wonder
We know about that
it has brought us to simplier time we our hearts want us to be
ive had a dream upon a dream before
where when you awaken from one you dont know if your in your own reality anymore
i dont know if its just me
but my bad dreams usually wake me up in fright
and i seek thy lord for comfort
its said i may have post tramatic stress disorder
because i have lucid dreams
and its hard to seek serenity when in a frightful state
i feel my every being is trembleing
but thats the past
and just a dream
it has no power over me
other than losing sleep
ha ha i laugh at the jinns who are attacking me
if they are jinns at all
could be that old dirty devil
so lets talk about illusions and reality
how to tell the diffrence
i used to think happiness was but an illusion
created by the man
to have false hope
but that time has passed
and for me im happy for once
could be the medication
or the new religion
or just plain ole me
sometimes i like to test myself as if reality was false
by challengeing my sleep and staying up
the longer the day the more i think it reality
but who knows
ha ha maybe we are like in the matrix
thats silly now
but people sometimes think it
but some people just arent there
i know there was a time
when i was but in illusion
i didnt know what was happening
and i couldnt stop it
turns out it wasnt an illusion
just some twisted soul
twisting up an inoccent
so
dream my friends
its a comfort in the end
Hope for a new beginning
for no one likes a to be continue
farewell once again
til another time

they them and us

they say to end it
how do they arise
simpley thinking about them
they are always there
apart of me they are
how can i be so mean to self

why must my mind punish me
why do i punish myself
was it simpley to escape
escape the feeling of emptiness
To devour to satisfy
the darkness
it calls me
wanting nothing but destruction
why must i give in
souly to feel free again
i yearn for what it was before
but thats not the way

its not right
so why do it
remeber the good guys said
"as long its in moderation its ok"
but its not i feel inside its not
i will not give power to it
but i slip up

lately i just want to cut it all out
the voices
the habits
the troubles
the heartache
but
its not right to hurt so many people
i see that
makes me not want to share
so if your reading this
im sad to say im giving into my nasty side
my nafs the bad ones
that have been with me for a long time

I just want inner peace
is it so hard to seek that
maybe just maybe ill find it with God
inshallah perhaps inshallah

me I and myself

If i wept a thousand years
nothing would have changed
I dont know what wrong
I cant pin point the emptiness source
What can i do other than blades
other than devour

I slipped up last night
Devouring as nothing else mattered
As long as its moderation then its OK
Ok they say
How come i dont feel in such a way

Some friends say that old dirty devil is hitting me hard
maybe so but i think its mostly me
its part of the emptiness
Its called the other me
so named by my sister
she doesnt like it when i get this way
she says i act oddly weird out of my own skin

Do i need to keep saying goodbye to those passed on
for they haunt my ever being
I already said goodbye so many times
And wept until my heart wants to stop
so whats the point of going on

Is it forself or for God
God doesnt want you to end it
why do you want such
Listen i know you much better than I think
You yourself knows you better than anyone else

Its just the emptiness we know how it started
Lie here and lie there to cover up the truth into why
I dont know what to do
I dont hate myself anymore
I love God more than myself
as it should be for the servants of our Lord

So if i love God more than self
Then Why isnt the light consuming me
God is good God is just God is merciful God is wrathful
We know were we will go
We dont want that anymore
You want to see loved ones
Its not joke
Hell is real
and you think this reality can be hell
Nothing is compared to the hellfire of thy Lord

So remeber your not alone
you have your brothers and sisters in christ
siblings in humanity
and lastly God will never leave you
Even when myself is covered in darkness and emptiness
Nothing can break God's love for you

So rest young one
Rest another day
worry not the time has not come for you
Remeber to Love God

I am here

To go back to the beginning
Its hard to say
depends where we are starting
at the first whisper of the shahada
or the first time i fell in love with God

I never thought there was a God
let alone only one God
I was young
and unhappy
my life was but shattered glass
stepping onwards only to harm ones self

Islam filled a void for a love that i needed to express
Love for self and love for a diety
but as the deceivers mist began to fade
the fog was lifted
i relaized that islam just was not for me
What was the put of feeling to guilty
I was just following my heart
what harm came from it
some good happened at first

i feel so lost
i want something formilar afterall
islam was part of me for a long time
i grew so much
declined and excel
I would be lying to say
there wasnt still apart of me wanting it
Islam a way of life
the deen the way

Is the love for its an illusion
I thought happiness was but illusion
but then again i didnt know the true God
The father
The Son
The Holy Spirit
First God sent his son
to touch my heart
the first time i prayed to him the father
sincerely with no doubt was but recently

I wept a great deal for my Lord helped me say goodbye
To those i held so close to heart
because unlike me
they were saved
I dont think i will ever believe that i am saved

Maybe when i stand before God on judgement day
And he opens his arms to me
A hug thats holy, enternal, loving, everlasting
I already feel this light wrapped close around me
For I admit This true God is the one for me
He taught so much to humanity
Love God and Let Go

So reach to the sky
and praise
Lord oh Lord
have your mercy unto me
Grant me paradise
Kingdom
Where the most High will reside
In Jesus the Lord and Saviors name
Amen

Engraved

I long to see God
Is it impossible
I just want that light and warmth
to consume me
maybe im wrong
maybe im going about it wrong
I'll be honest
I try to pray to Allah still
its so engraved in me
but an friend
a brother said
Dont be engraved but
tatooed with christ upon your heart

Can i do so
it will take awhile
I think i can
each day i think of God my lord and savior Jesus
He was so mighty
AS I read the word
I fall more and more love for him
because he loved his creation so much
he sarcafised his son for us

So why
Cannot reach for the sky
my arms are heavy with my burdens
they say to be a servant to out lord and in islam you but a slave
I see it as the same
For you my lord
are my savior
I praise you in my heart
With my small whispers
And with my loud voice
So come to my lord
Grace my soul
For i am fallen
and waiting for the stairway
to come to me
the rail is not yet to support me
its not my time

Hold on to your hope
for your sanity is near it
Remeber your not alone
you have a whole new family waiting for you
Discover them
share with them
Praise with them
Dont forget
he died for you
so you dont have to suffer
so
be not afraid of this new beginning
for God is on your side
and God is just

Fault

There is something there
Lingering
I dont know what is
could be that old devil
he lurks in the hearts of men
shaking every nerve

I cannot bear it anymore
I dont have anything
but a pin
a lighter
I sad to say i have resorted to such
Worthless i feel

As tears overwhelm me
I did a pray for God to save me from my self
nothing but emptiness
its not Gods fault
So dont think that way
Its all mine
I took the steps
To light my sword

Flesh of the body
to devour into darkness
Darkness walks hand in hand with emptiness
I dont know what im becoming

I scream as though i have no voice
Hear are my words
Why
Tears overwhelm my eyes
is this me
I am destined to be forsaken

Even if my lord and savior died for me
I cannot be greatful
but they say im selfish
I lost my friend who i called during dire times
he helped
now im left to battle it alone

So will you judge me so
my lord God
I can barely withstand the fire of reality
I cannot withstand
the flames of dismay
Punishment is needed
maybe my old ways arent needed
im tryin my lord and savior
I truly am

Before i do more
I write these words as a warning to
that old dirty devil
you have me now
but as soon as i seek refuge in my God
from you shaytan
I shall be free another day
another hour on the enternal clock

Rageing

Im not crazy
they all say i am
Are you on your meds was the question
yes i am
Wallahi
im not liar
please answer me
I scream

WHY
Has this happened me
first a friend curses me
now an old love stalks me
and messes with my mind
once i have proof
and corner the scum
Im assumed to be insane
Insane in the menbrane
you say I have no morals

My old ummah
my brethen
curse me
say my word is half of a muslim
when the muslim man sits there smirking
just like that old dirty snicker who is it
why must this Rage conquer me

my hands shake as i write this
Right a wrong
I ask oh my lord take my rage
and make into peace
because i know i will brood
Brood into the hate the darkness
and the snickering gets louder
loud as much as i can bare

I cover my ears fall to my knees
Yell for my Lord to save me from myself
Im not crazy
but sometimes people need saving

So am i forsaken always with this rage
or shall this help me
Oh lord I beg you to lighten my heart
So the old devil doesnt have power over me
For without you I am lost
So I thank you God the Father
Thank you Jesus my savior

Guardian

Hear me
Will you my lord
I pray to you
help me from myself
Tears roll down my face
I havent cried this much in years
I have a fear
Dont we all

I feel oh so silly
This friend of mine never loved the friendship
If he did why would he shame me so
Count my fears
make then reality
One of my fears is losing myself in my mind
my sickness
afterall im irrational
Its the point when im not sane
When everything comes undone
and time just flies but goes so slow when i close my eyes

Open them and im in a world not known to anyone but my self
Its like a limbo within the mind
where i go to ponder
im safe from my demons
they cannot get me
but guess what i found out
HE is there
so wonderus
this is my protector in my mind
Jesus my lord and savior
Protect me from the demons

I breath
open my eyes
I had such joy fill my heart
when my new friend
told me
that
Jesus our savior
is our protector
So dont let the satan
cause doubt in your choices
That shaytan is mad that he lost you
I dont know if he surely had me
But his grasp was there
but Light will always be there to conquer darkness

 I prepared oh lord
for my fight against the devil
and without you i am lost
but with you
I shall conquer
For you Jesus are the light

So please dont judge me friends
im trying with my new guardian
for HE will love all of me
even the deviant inside and out
even if i dont know what to do
i will find as answer with him always
For God is all knowing all merciful

Where will i go?

Jannah is paradise
A garden
Some believe it to be the garden of eden
or similar
With rivers of wine and honey
But only the muslims go
They damn the jews
Because they dont accept Muhammed
They damn the christians and spit upon them
Because we worship the true God
I dont really know how to explain
Why i choose my lord and savior as the true God Jesus
but just like islam i had a feeling
do i damn my self for being muslim
no it taught me to have structure
structure is good for me
and well islam has it
But i couldnt going on denying myself
I felt a calling
like something was right
The wool was covering my sight
For i loved God so much
Because before islam i was dark and lost
I did not know no God just a silly belief made up to comfort me
But when I read the Quran I believe I found God maybe not the true one
But at the time christianty did not make sense to me
Allah was needed but as the years passed i became bitter because islam is not what it seems
But enough of that i found the true God now Allaha the father
My friend who curses me now was never my friend i believe now because we were friends before islam
so why because i have choosen the true path for my self maybe its true for me
because my heart says so
Jesus taught us to love one another as we would love our selves
you know turn the other cheek
Where Muhammad teaches an eye for an eye
Didnt you know that makes the world blind
Dont get me wrong i dont hate muslims or islam
I get bitter when people attack me
So i apoligize to they muslims that i said i hate you because you are stupid
because your not i was for saying so
Please oh Lord accept my words
I admit i dont know much about the bible
but its been a few years since i read scipture from it cover to cover
but now im just focusing on the lord for myself
They say im unstable
I'm irrational
That im manic
I think im becomeing such
but i was sound of mind
when i accepted christ into my heart
But my old friend says im stupid
Un stable
That just wants me to take the blade
Luckly i dont have any
But why should i resort to old ways
when Jesus my lord and savior died for me
all my sins now are replaced with a clean slate
because its diffirent now I see as the days go by
As the lord comes into my life more and more
Happiness is there
With God
So grasp not to the rope
but the rail
to that stairway to heaven\
for i finially seek it
because this jannah seems attainable
and at least i know my believers friends and family
will hopefully be there
by the grace of God
God willing

Friends

What have i done for you to hate me
Sure i deny Muhammad as a prophet
Im not hateful towards you
you are free to be who you are
until you hurt an inoccent
Take that person and charge them off a mountain
Slur them until they fall to their knees begging you to stop

I thought we were friends
I thought the 7 years of exchangeing info to eachother was funn
You told me you make friends for life
I got that from you
as I commit fully to friendship
But now i dont know what to say

Yes im not ashamed of who i am
I am irrational at times
but im rational enough to understand my flaws
I accept Jesus as my lord and savior
But im afraid of the hate that is being cursed upon me
I should only fear God who is almighty
But there is a diffirence between Allah and Allaha
Allaha is the father
Jesus the son refered to him as such
So I call upon you my lord

Please save me from myself
I am upset now
but with you i shall not wavier in this mighty wind
You are rightious and please take me to the garden the holy of holy places
So i reside with my lord
And I will see all those who truly love me
You my lord Save me from myself
That snicker is there

I know it was old dirty devil
causeing the hate in my friend
but im not curseing him
Because hate will destory you in the end
Darken you heart
Thats what that vile devil wants
For you to drift

But be strong
I try to be
Because you Jesus are my lord
And without you I am lost
In Jesus name we say
amen

Fallen

this is for those who are falling
Falling downwards
We try not to fall
our sorrows bring us to faults
Sometimes we lose our selves in reality
mins turn to hours and hours to days
Sleep is needed it calms the mind and gives the body rest

Sometime those who have fallen
its not their fault
that old dirty devil is at it again
snickering that laugh as we fall with the fallen

Pain is needed to be able to be human
what are we without a little pain
But as the pain deepens we lose faith

Worry not for your sanity is near it
For God is with you always
 Remeber our pain we have now is nothing compared to Him
For he felt all our pain and sorrow our sins washed overwards
As His blood was broken

We eat of his flesh of the lamb of God
Drink the life his holiness of blood
not in the literal sense my friend but think about it
Was God wrong to send his son to us
the forsaken

something to ponder on
So fallen what will you do now
will you witness the good news
to others around you
dont let that fault take hold of you
for that snicker isnt to far from you

God is just, God is loving
nothing is compared to him
so will you stand by
while our savior sacerficed his self for us
For that love in enternal to all those who please our Lord

So fallen will you stand
even if that pain is greater than what we can bare
For God the father does not givth pain greater than what we can bare
so have faith my friends
We are yet to fall for shaytan
We are yet to fully forsake ourselves

Good company?

so this is poem i wrote over a year ago but ill be sharing and few old ones here and there


Misery is my company
IT doesnt allow me to be happy
Happiness is an illusion
Its not attainasble

I was but a fool to think i can have it
There is the artifial dream of happiness, that is fueled by the medication
It doesnt last for long
Some have it longer than others
Maybe ever after when the flue changes
They the people of misery seek out the dream wanting it to be reality

So don't listen to "Them"
"They" are wrong, "They" just want the misery to consume you
To end you
To destory you

All I feel is regret
It not even that bad
If thats the case then why do I feel so bad
Why do I feel that "They" will win

Only time will tell if misery
Shall consume until nothing is left to breath
Finally the last breath is sought

Dont let it confuse you
I can set you free
Hopefully I wont be set free

For Hope overcomes all dismay

A little bit

So Today what did i do i spent on paltalk mostly discussing stuff i told an old friend that i became a christian and im afraid that im going to lose a really good friend, but i have met new friends much more gentle. they dont call the death for the zonists they hate west and speak against but hypocrites because they live in the west

Look muslims the west is based on christianty leave it alone, we dont need sharia im fine with demorcacy

Look this so called friends i may be murtad aposate kuffar munafiq but at least i have salvation unlike you every muslim shall go to hellfire

no thanks
I know when i was muslim i didnt care for jannah
but since i accepted christianty Jesus as lord and savior i has felt an inner warmth and i believe i was to go to heaven

thats my bit
for now

Fears

count your fears
devils at the door
rapping until you answer
wanting nothing but you to answer
as the door creeps open
Nafs flood into your soul good or bad
the devil doesnt care
But remeber that old dirty devil doesnt know all
Head through the door
up the stairs
Rope in hand as you grasp light shines
Remeber that lost love that was taken
That devil smiles as you ponder
hanging from that rope
you finally make it only brought back because its not your time so breath another breath
those nafs will brighten your path but darkness still wonders for his whisper rumbles
Worrie not for God is watching over you
He took that rope from you
he sent an angel to breath light into you
so worry not for God is on your side always

Hard for me

This is hard
My friends
I know since i left islam
That i have lost some friends
It the same as when i became a muslim
I lost family and friends
Now since i left
Im vocal about how islam deceives
But it was also good for me
Kept me from going astray
Getting into trouble was not for me afterwards
Now im just afraid of losing some really good friends
After all i make friends for life
Even my own flesh and blood looks at me diffirently now
I havent changed
I am still me
Lindsey remeber you are you
God said Be in the Quran
I know this God of the Quran is not the true one
because from what i read and felt his love was conditional
but Allah the father loved us so much he gave his begotten son to humanity
So please read about this with an open heart
I know it took me a while to relize how much "He" loves me
But He might know me and every fiber so he knows that
I love him
Jesus please i beg of you to save me from myself
Grant me new friends as i accept your grace into my heart
For once in my life i desire jannah the paradise
I dont know what took me so long
Maybe i just needed that love to reach my inner soul
For spirit mixes with the holyness of the holy spirit
I bask in this light
For its taken that rope from my grasp
Ya Allah the Father never forget me
I am here to serve you

insomia

dont you hate it when you lay in bed for two hours and not get a wink of sleep yea thats me so interwebs here i am awe and wonder you maybe a poem or two will come out of this so far im on paltalk looking for a room im cooking pasta and drinking a rockstar lol fail no wonder you have insomia but part of it is because im scared to sleep because of bad dreams, but dear sir and mam you say worry not because dreams dont usually come true well this one did dreamed paranioa and now im bloody well parinoid


but i left my house today went for ice cream with mymom and picked up my medication i have to remain stable because irrational thoughts flood the mind i know its irrational because when i start to believe self harm is in the right i need some help hense i called jon moore and booked an appointment to see him

oh night time what wonders do you bring

This is rational?

I am irrational
A being beyond rationality
I look to others for answers
as I do not trust myself
Recently I have come to conculsion
Would you like to know
As the actions I have in my mindset
I am proud to say i am a deviant
But even if i am
you cannot take God from me
I repent to him only
The father
Mighty and wonderus he is
For he loved us so he sarcficed his son
Jesus with your love for mankind
For you died for our sins
I repent to you oh thy Lord
I may be deviant and irrational at times
For you showed me what to be in the scripture
I am but a servant from beyond and over a rainbow
I have a many of questions to ask
And only You my Lord can answer