Down right dead

I'm tired of being this​ way
sorrowful faces
In my glance
Nothing but the end seems to the answer
Burning in my spirit
Carved in my heart
Never to wilt

As I ponder
Wonder here and there
My mind is set
I want to die
Devastate me
Conquer the war
The battle goes on

They Snicker as they stare and stare

Cherished I am
Loved I am
But it does not stop me
As the dusk turns to Dawn
A new day arises

Here am I on my knees begging God to strike me down
Something to take away this pain

It's a pit in my stomach
It burns away slowly on my heart
Let my soul free
but I'm here
Safe as can be
Why don't I feel safe then
My mind is not safe
Time to mend it

Only as time tucked away will the hour turn to 1 2 3
Haha your no fun
Mind will play a ruckus
Only time will tell
Tomorrow is near
So beware
I'm never here
I'm lost
I'm down
I'm dead...

Currently me

Twist and Turn
inside my head
emotions run wild and ramped
once again on that railroad
I think I can I think I can
is different than I know I can
chew train on the cycle of chaos
round and round
here we go

cut rip burn
here I am
complete structured
even if I'm glitching
stutter in my speech
I don't give a fuck

Here I am bare to see
I beat my chest as though I'm unbreakable
only to find the beast inside me to devastate me
One two three four five
the count goes on and on until we reach an end
number 33
is for me
it completes me
Medication is for me
don't blame me
when I glitch
hop to the beat
let it roll to rhythm

Reminds me of the path of serenity
what will this sanity do for me
tempted to be sane
the norm
but in reality always showing those curves never on the narrow path
badges on my arms

I am strong can't you see
anything you through at me
cannot defeat me

Even that small voice inside of me defeats me

Wisps in the air

help save me
 rescue me
believe in me
complete me

snap out of the fantasy remember its cloud nine to the Devine

up up to the sky
high up
cloud 9
divine as it can be
it does not destroy me

away with the evil
away with the good
just start again

tick tock on the clock
the eternal clock
wind me watch me walk
seems to be the trend
of me

build build
create me
help me
save me
I cannot
devastate me
destroy me
kill me
bury me
reap me
judge me
burn me

K
Don't sweat
it's how the cookie crumbles

So for the day of today
smile
it's good for the soul
Don't worry
about me

I am free to be me
even it destroys me
so come at me

I ready and willing

I dare you...

Torch

Here again
In my solitude
Unknown can be the out come
The torch lights the paths
Bittersweet wounds tarnish the heart
Venom ruins to my brain
Infection injection to my heart
Get a jump start
Hip hop
To my feet
Empathetic to the max
Hyper motion to the motive
Pills be some sort of skill
You be playing with your skills
Not taking any meds
Railroad tracks to the end
No light
No second chances
Flare up to the sky
Be me on cloud nine
Devine to be
Devastate me Define me
Flare flare in the air
Suffocate to the max
Blood flame devastate me
Holed up in my insanity
My solitude defines me
In the institution you are defined you are labeled so
Jails institutions and death these are our stories
Caught in my addiction to happiness the Bliss that brings me to my knees
No God doesn't defy me God doesn't need me nor do I need God
Who cares
Don't judge me
Badges on my arms
Stare at me
Bring it

Flicker

Pain everlasting
I hurt on inside and outside
So much I must take the flame to the flesh
It's different
Something is wrong
As the flame from the lighter flickers against the skin
A small whimper well tremble from my lips
That old friend is here
Darkness emptiness depression
The Trinity works together
Causing you to be numb
Unsure what to do you resort to the old ways
Blade to skin letting the blood explode
Dripping down the skin into a pile on the hardwood floor
You know I know
That I should reach out
but I am engulfed in the trinity of disaster the cycle of chaos
chaos recklessness everything else
Which way is right
Hurting self to get better
Or to just being me
I chose me
Engulfed in Chaos
I small reap on another day
Back to the old ways
Cut devour burn
Find me in the number 34

An Old Friend

I don't know where to start
Where is my sanity
I feel as though a familiar friend has sought me out
Who is this but one external linked to my insanity
They are one with me
Can be seen to an enemy
Shift turn take me as I change thought I'm still who I am
just not who I want to be
Shadow shakes my every being
Darkness shrouds my heart
I've taken the blade to self and I don't what people think
I want more
To escape the emptiness
The rapid emotions are at bay
just masks on my face
happy
sad
emotionless
two forms are what brings the emptiness
what the friend you never want to see
So I have started something I want in before because the blade was enough
Fire let it burn
twist and turn my friend
Destroy me
I don't care anymore
I'm not going to stop
blood drips down my soul
Free to be me even with my insanity
twist and turn inside my head
unable to conquer the darkness
Here I am bleeding
torn between life and death
The borderline rages on
Help me Save me ever with my insanity
embrace the darkness
I breathe in clouds of sorrow
Suffocate to the max
I don't know how to comprehend such a loss of sanity
I'm comfortable in the insanity of thy mind
So my old friend
Let us dance away the night
Dance within the day to come
Just Breath...

Sane far from me

I am high within the stoned sky
I feel those damn emotions move through me
Driving me to insanity
Rapid emotions defer me to use tools sharps within my mind within reality
The mind has deflated from the expansion
Twist turn many emotions rip into me
My flesh is a burden
I don't mean to be a burden
Though I feel I am becoming one
Help me I scream silently
Slice dice crystal clear skin
Causing nothing but destruction
Feeling as though you can't win
So I write
But cut burn consume devour me within
BPD why must you devastate my sanity
Hello I am me
Free to be me
Even with my insanity
I shall fight
Don't just fight
But conquer
Up in that sky emptiness defers me to rapidly destroy me
Free to be me
Don't hate me
Help me pity me kill me
Unknown for now
Knock knock on heaven's door
Failing humanity
I breath
To break me
Let's break them
Cut away the future
Let burn our bridges
Here I am
Standing alone but a metaphor for I'm surrounded yet loneliness happens to me
Fear of my insanity
I breath
Touch
Cut
Burn
Free to be me in my insanity

Safety Net

Where am I?
I'm lost along this path
Faces follow me as I go
Unable to hear them scream as I pass by
Rapid waves of emotions are here
In the eye of the storm I sit and ponder
As the tears roll by my cheeks my heart is Bairin
Unable to love self
So take the blade to the skin
It's old dull blade
Hurts more than yesterday
Yesterday is but a memory
Distant in the sea of tears

I find myself not pleading to God but damning him instead

Perhaps this is what hopelessness is

Last night is the last night for me
I draw my last deep breaths today

Once again in the safety net of society
Sitting in the little white room
Dreaming of ending it all
Planning ways to get discharged
That's not the answer right now

If I am to return home at this state I'm surely I will draw my last breaths

I feel this emptiness grow inside me
It twists and turns
Growing larger and larger

I've said it once and many more after that

Fight the darkness
Don't just fight but conquer

I'm tired of fighting the good ole fight
Time to lay down and subdue
Never wanted to die
Just wanted to stop drifting away from the light
Hope is gone
Light is faded
And the darkness grows
His hunger suffocates me not me but everyone
I ponder and ponder only to have me wonder
Did the world need me?

Does my family want me?

Did society accept me?

Rip turn devour
Rip blade cut
Devour flesh devour mind
This is darkness
Here to stay
For now and evermore

So here I sit in the safety net
Ready to surrender to the blade
So I write this and I confess
That I'm not sane as the moments pass

Only time will tell...
Here to stay for a little while
Home I go for eternal depression

So I must confess
I'm not right
Not now
Not tomorrow

I know this is wrong thinking
So I tinker
At the heart
Help me be safe
Oh safety net