1 2 3 breathe

Let me breathe

Upon this anxiety

For the deep breaths can save me

An unfamiliar feeling set in stone

Carnivorous is the deed

Unable to feel

Anxiety brings uncertainty

Uncertain of what the future holds

Uncertain of what to do

Standing here within my insanity

In the Infinite culture cycle

Drip drop on the dot

What will come of this?

Suffocating to the max

Unable to comprehend how to breathe so silently so deeply

So 1 2 3 breathe in 4 5 6 breathe out

Repeat

Holding on to hope

That there will be serenity

If one follows their Deen

Perhaps serenity can be sought

Hoping for freedom

Freedom of the emotions that rapidly turn

Swifting in and out swaying so lightly

On the roller coaster of disaster

A maniac on a rampage

Only to feel serenity one moment

Up up the stairs to Cloud 9

Does this define

What reality may be

Upon this time 

Remember to breathe

For that is Hope indeed

To strive on

 Where to go from here

Lost in the abyss, trying to dismiss 

These emotions run through me rapidly 

Rapidly turning

As the corner comes to a sharp turn

As the darkness sleeps in to consume

Upon this time

Shall I ready the flame?

Shall I prepare myself for disaster?

Walking on the path of destruction

A 50/50 on life

Not knowing what to do but to strive only

To be content beyond the bend

To follow the light

Away from the darkness

Those Snickers follow you

And the visions come ever flowing

Will my sanity ever come?

Wondering upon this time

Well I simply be

Within this destiny

That's meant for thyself

With destruction in my heart

Wearing it on my sleeve

Pin cushion heart

Stick all the emotions inside me as they burn

Tears stripping down my skin

Unable to comprehend

What to do indeed

Perhaps I shall recite

Something that is needed

To seek refuge in the Lord the Almighty

So please let it be

From destruction to noor 

Upon this time to come

The not so far away future 

Will I survive? 

Upon this time to come

Destined to be stuck in destruction

To be content with disaster

To be humble within self

To strive always

Try not to give up

For I am strong

So perhaps you are too

To Seek

Searching everlasting searching

Pondering upon time within insanity

What will come from pondering?

Perhaps one would be wallowing in the abyss

Not knowing why

Screaming so silently

Why must I be?

Within this tarnish deeds

I find serenity

To plea with the Lord indeed

For he is the only one worthy of worship

Allah the Almighty

Lost within the darkness

Just a flicker of the Noor

Is enough to conquer

For light will always overcome the shade

To be in Redemption from being tarnished

Are you ready for me?

Where to go?

Nowhere

Simply be

With sabr that brings hope

So I still scream

But what Joy indeed

Even within this insanity

I simply am being

For Allah said be

So here I am being within the insanity

Practicing sabr an acquiring ilm

Beating within my every being

Allowing the emotions to not overcome me

To bring happiness indeed

That is what is needed

Where to find you say

Look to the Lord

For he is Almighty All Merciful

So let it be let it be

Destined to be within the insanity

Hoping for peace

Here Now

Falling into grace

Perhaps it's not in this place

The emotions burn as the tears fall

Separate the feelings

I don't want to feel this 

It burns not so softly

Whisper here and near

Perhaps we shall escalate

Hoping for sanity

Hitting rock bottom

With my emotions

They say to heal

To speak

To share

Perhaps it will get better

I twist so violently

What is next for me

The emotions breath within me

For I am being

Clarity

Falling onto the path of uncertainty, why must it be this way
To inhale the bliss to dismiss what may be right
Uncertain are the daggers to my heart of thy mind does it tear
Emotions run rapid on my body, does it quiver ever so slightly
To Suffer so much that chaos of my mind soul and body enters artificial bliss
One medication dose, then the noon one
What possesses me to not take supper and whats the point?
I falling into the pit, and I ran and jumped with glee to get here
Is this whats meant to be within the insanity beyond the clarity
Do I see? Whats meant to be
I refuse to suffer more and more so I grasp what maybe a light
To rip twist turn
To make new rifts so the insanity doesn't distort
This is right in this light whats meant for you and me
To invite whats deemed to be
So I write, to write my heart and every emotion out
I am here
Remember me, with my words
New rifts to be within what I deem in the Clarity
Sun Soaked bliss, That I not not dismiss
Smile its deemed for you and me
Beyond the suffering
The chaos is near, but the bliss wins the race
Clarity dismisses the insanity, that is what is right
Once again I am Free to Be within this destiny

Ready To Go

 Where am I?

I find myself lost, on the edge

Wandering into the galaxies 

Star sprinkled bliss, ready to show you the way

Walking into the abyss, I'm left here pondering

Shall I shout and shout shout and scream it all out

Deadly deeds have arrived

Countering deaths deadly deed

Blood soak skin, will the flow ever stop

I am here, inside my head screaming for the forces to let me go

I want to be free, I never am

For hope is lost, at the moment dead inside

I reckon

Help me, no one cares

I am stuck in insanity, let that deem whats for me

I scream as the insanity bleeds into thy soul

I ready to let go, why must it be this way

Confusion of the heart mind and soul

Ready set go, another day, and another time

Bliss here there and everywhere

Just got to find a flake or too

I am ready to end this all, but I stop myself

There this time, I will stop

The devourer doesnt listen

To hate self, to maybe love self

To reach out, let go

Happiness is but an illusion of the heart

Depression is real and its ready to deal

Darkness leads to the abyss

Then it sucks thy soul

I am ready to let go

Though I am bounded by my emotions

Shall I rip tear to not care

I swear I do, even with a gaping hole in my soul

Now ready to let go

Please God save me from myself

Lets Go!

Ready To Lose

 I am Lost

Here I am being

Ripping my flesh and consuming

What will come of it

As a million stars scream

As the universe deems

I am here, pondering upon sanity

It always gets me, turning me upside down

Rip tear consume, ready set go

My left arm twitches now, for what

Nothing but the desire, the devouring is here

Ready set go, tick tack on the bend

As the tear drop, a million feeling

Ruptured, readying the blade

To slice and dice

Ready set go, hand me a knife

Ready to slit the flesh and consume

Dirty deeds, ready to feel

Chaos of the heart, needing to bleed

Crimson red bleeding here

Ready set go, I dont know what to do

I fucked

Here Today Now

Cut breath say it's ok

Wander stagger fall

Unto your doom, chaos in the heart

Deemed for me, old habits arise

The devouring spirit screams

I am ready to cut the flesh

To slice away your dreams

Chaos of the heart is open, ready to be free

Yet my serenity is chained down

Not moving a bit, so I slice away my dreams

It's just a bloody mess, why do I seek the darkness?

What will save me from the insanity?

God almighty has been with me, but I turn my back

To him, Almighty All seeing All knowing

Shall I pray to him, to save me from myself

That old dirty devil snickers away 

Bismillah 

I am not alone, even though loneliness seeks me

Ready to catch the fire deemed for me

The sweet rivers of honey and wine are not destined for me

Ready it's nearly noon

Got to go, to where badges on my arm 

That's my story, time to let go

Start anew, Inshallah.

Screaming me

Oh so mighty
Struck to the heart to be
Stuck in a high such as cloud nine
up up I go
Shall I breath my last breath
To suffocate beyond bliss
Illusions of patterns ruin me
To be born this way
Makes one wonder
If God almighty is just
To Suffer what is this
Tarnished every so
I'm stuck writing upon my heart with a bloody Quill of pain

To be sipping on bliss

To choke on serenity

I seek Refuge
In you alone
As I scream inside outside to be
Allahu Allahu Allahu

To recite bliss
To be within a drip of serenity
To seek, to be
Is this meant to be

Wandering on star based board
Roll on the dice
The gamble of life
Shall he win
His whispers that follow me
Drown him out
I recite thee
The last three of a surah deemed for me you i and the insanity

This must be destiny

I scream
Allahu Save me
From this insanity

I'm barely hanging on my edge
Whats meant for me
To Suffer
To scream
IS THIS ME?

Reckoning

Where to go from here
I am almost gone
So I plead
With you alone
Do you hear me?
My soul reeks of decaying bliss
I'm almost gone
I reckon
This Light I feel
Will bring somewhat to a bit of peace
I am here
Waiting to feel you in my heart
Wanting nothing more
Than your love

People souls speak of you
I'm stuck here worshiping falseness
Can I have a break from the insanity?

Your light came to me

In dreams to come

The edge walker, is falling to the abyss

You reach you light your arms to me

I reach for the blade
I know nothing more
You conquer the darkness
Your the light

Tears roll on done and I shiver from fright
In this holy light
You alone are the savior for me
To rise up to be with you
The light the is near

You are for me
This feels right
I'm lost
but your near
Glory Glory
show me peace
Reckon this is right within the light

The warmth of you my lord

I say
you are for me
Save from the insanity the abyss
Take me to the bliss
With you always my lord

I pray
To you
Jesus
you Died for me
For us
For Aba
Choose you, his only begotten son
you are for me
This light I need
I reckon my heart is right
You pull me
I am near
Bring me close
I cry tears of joy
For this light is for me
I say oh my lord
My light
Jesus lord and savior
Bask with me
They light deemed for all
Even me
Stuck in the insanity
there is but bliss for a moment, I choose this
To be with be you
Jesus you are that light
Amen

What have I found

Where to go?
So many of possibility to be
Near to defeat
Upon the staircase what is meant for me?
To gaze upon sanity
Where is it next to be, standing in the star gazed bliss
Sinking into desire
melting into the chaos
is this what meant for you and I?
Bring me close to my spirit
I call as you whisper into my heart
Aoothu billah mina shayton ajeem
Oh Allah
Safe me from my nafs
They burden my heart, to sink into the chaos
Bismillah ar rahman ar rahmeen
Here I am shifted once again
up down side to side
here i am being
caught up with the bliss sending me into a chaotic state
What will happen
In the coming days
if only medication was a must
until the question that answered its you and I
Allahu Allahu Allahu
Please hold me
Guide me
Give me shifa
Inshallah
Ameen
what is next?
its time to face
What is here
next to my heart
lets just breath upon sanity
for but a moment
in this bliss
comprehend not life but bliss, to bring the nafs to justice
What is happening?
I am right upon what I say
You shall not mention this
Aoothu billah mina shayton ajeem
Bismillah ar rahman ar raheem

What Has to Be

Upon time
I am here
Do I drift into what is deemed the light
To rip up the tears
To sigh relief
They roll down my face, am I ready to express?
To be free, as I breath
Where am I?

Upon Time
Free to be, as I drift.
Get ready am I right to be this tonight
To rip, to tear, burn ever so lightly
This may be, a part of the past

Get ready, here I am
Free with glee
Even within this destiny
For hope is near and dear
Another millisecond here and gone

What am I?
To be here within thy mind
Its my fate, what the power be

Sucking up bliss, to exhale desire
The desire to go beyond what is deemed blissful
A gasp of this bring the tip
To Suffocate
its time to be
Right for me
Is this what is my fate
shall I be ready for what is needed

here they come
one by one
up down
side to side
Vision so lightly
A pattern deemed what meant to be
In this bliss that will be dismissed
To hope to be
Far from this reality
What is needed?
is this right?

time to break

my heart is open
as each emotion is felt
I drop to the floor screaming for it all to end
I hear small whispers
of memories long forgotten
reaching to the surface
scratching to get out
where am I
far from the bliss
even the abyss
my heart is shattered
all this emotions
run a current throughout me
am I stuck?
will I be alright
I scream
Beyond what is reality
I'm lost
where am I?
what's next?
can I conquer myself
as each tear
ruptures my sanity
I am me
Beyond what seems to be
I reckon what is right
is beyond the Bliss
farther than the abyss
what is next?

shall I leap
shall I feel
what is right
Beyond the fight

I stand
as a being
within reality
breaking my heart
as each memory
hurts so
why so much pain
must be endered
what will time tell
this tale to come

Fate

As I sink
This my fate
To drown in sorrows
To die in the light
To be reborn
That's the key
I'm stuck on railroad
Coming to an end
To slice all the emotions
To let out the darkness
As the river runs loose
Chaos is near
Around the bend
Am I near an end?
As each emotion
Sucks me from reality
I'm here
Unable to breath
To suffocate in isolation
To drown
Let us devour
It is right
In this darkness
When will the light shine?
Ever since brightly
Tonight is the night
To end the fight
What will go on
For me
Stuck in this insanity
My mind can't expand beyond what is right
For me
In this chapter soon to come

What is next?

Where am I?
But at a cross road
to the bliss
to the abyss
what is next for me?
I suffocate beyond repair
do I need to stare?
upon this day do I reap
to take thee leap

What is meant for me?
beyond the abyss
is it something light right within the desire
do I creep
It has to be right

no more doubts
I'm ready for this is right
for me
shall I take thee leap
for my destiny

To Wonder

To ponder?

 what is to be within the insanity

 but a hope to bring balance a light for all a desire

 to be just be within destiny of thy heart

 do one confess what is light in the right 

but Allah that's what right in this night

Upon time do I wonder

What is Next?
But Dua for the heart
is that truly whats for me
it brings serenity
is this peace
for the mind
as we recite what is just
what is right
in this day
night
eve
morning
dawn to dusk
I call upon thee
Oh Allah
I surrender
to hope
to cope
In shall Allah

Beyond the Bend

Here I am
At the rift
about to drift
beyond the bend
another hope to come
upon this desire
shall I be?
Within my destiny
to see
beyond my reality
to reckon with the bliss
to accept
to keep the bliss

Upon this eve
I am me
stuck
I choke
To bear this
Pain
Heart ache
Why must it be this way?

I'm left to be
stuck within reality
as bliss drifts from me
I stare until I'm blind
Looking for something to find
Lost not yet on the mend
To discover whats next

Shall I follow thy heart?

This pain hurts me
Tarnished
around the bend
unable to cope
Cope
Reap
Redeem
beyond the mend
for the end is near
and ever so dear...

Stay

I'm stuck
in the bust
Have I lost the fight
Unbalanced am I
Bending to my desire

Dare I say this

I am here lost beyond the mend
Until then I depend on what to do
Shall I Reap till the end?

I reached to the stars
do they defend the mend?
Does this mean its the end?

In this reality I am me
Free
To
Be
Stuck in a drift
at the end
of the abyss
shall I miss?

Ruptured heart beats
time to mend
beyond reality
Soaked in crimson bliss
blood soaked bliss
Shall this be?
I am me
Does this depend on me

The Question reaps
Do I mend?
To defend the heart
So lets mend

To be within the reality
beyond the heart
to feel again
to be
why must it come to this
do I miss

Time to stay

Lost always

I feel this in my heart as well as thy mind
Twist and turn
Whispers emerging from the heart
Until I'm here
#34
Stuck to consume
What drifts
In my heart
Turns to the mind
The darkness
The emptiness
Sanity far from here
I sit here
Pondering upon time
What's left for me?
To consume
A desire to control
To cut that flesh
To rip and turn
To take the flame to the skin
I don't deserve anything
I'm left crying
Holding it all in
And now it rips and burns
As every emotion turns to a wreck
Where am I?
Left in this place
To ponder until
I am sane
I'm stuck in the insanity
My mind is a wreck
My heart has sunken
In the emotions
I'm drowning
Whispers
They snicker
They tarnish the soul
I'm left here pondering
What will my outcome be
Will the 34 help
Uncertain is this
Here once again
What's a safety net
I'm lost
In the abyss of thy mind
What shall I do
To cope with the blade
To burn with the flame
It's my sanity
I'm left
In the abyss
Do I miss what is right
Am I wrongful?

In my deeds

Repair

To torment the mind
Beyond repair
To swell in emotion
To drown in tears
To express
Through the blade
To touch the skin
To burn the flesh
All these
Are escapes from the real reality
To cope
To express
To mend
Am I just?
To reap tears
To express Beyond repair
To wallow
To suffocate
To suffer
Meant for me
Within this insanity
Dare to care
Beyond what
To swell with emotion
Do I care
To express
It's here
Do I care
Do I need to care
To be in repair
I'm scared
Of the unknown
To ponder
Beyond the box I am
I stare
To care
To self reflect
What is next...