Inshallah ameen

Oh Allah I feel so lost
I am here begging you to end all
I am me and sure I be
How I suffer, and this makes me bitter
Yet I am here alhamduillah
Bowing my head to the ground for you alone
I want to seek haq, but I'm left in despire
Inshallah I call your name
Ar Rahman never leave me
I am truly lost without you
I feel as though the devourer is near
Shall I cut and burn, to ready the blade
To consume the darkness, letting emptiness break free
Inshallah Inshallah never let me lose hope
I just dont want to be
nevermind this world, nor the afterlife
Why must it hurt so much?
Being alone, and lonliness kills
I just want to be free
These chains holding me
Broken and beyond the bend
Here I pleaing for another time
Oh Allah, Forgive me for what I am
Have mercy, Oh merciful
Allah I love you, more than my self
I love the prophet Muhammad saw
He showed the world you
With you choosing him as the final the seal
May he rest well in jannah
Am I broken?  That I seek hellfire
Oh Allah make in easier for me, give us who are lost shifa
Making it easier for others who suffer pain, love, poverty, opression, lonliness
Ameen Ameen

Pitter and Patter

Drip Drop Dripping on the spot
Near and dear, demanding so much
Upon this time, shouting so loudly at me
Making me tremble from the stress
Now it's a mess
Pattern here Pattern there
So many pitter patter
Does it matter?
Out my way, screaming so sightly
Having not a care, ready the flame
lighting upon thee flesh
Tarnished not so lightly
Does this mean, that I'm afraid
Sometimes, does that make me less
I fear myself more than anyone
Look at me, badges not so proudly
Depends on the time
1 2 3 4
Start again, hit the rythm
Sick and dreary, unspoken words
I am gone, beyond the bend
Where to go now?
Unable to cause what is deemed right or wrong
Ready set go, ready the blade
Crimsion bliss expells
Maybe I dont know what to do
Anymore
No one listens
Even if I scream
Beyond this reality
Yes I see
Pitter Patter, let's go with the patterns

To Breath...

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Slumber early to miss seconds

Here to stay at the moment I break

As the stars that be, spread far and wide

I am being, tarnished, and able

Shall I ready the blade?  I am Torn

At the bridge, nicki nicki nine door feeling

Shall I breach what's been holding on since birth

I am locked up, unable to control

So I slumber, only to awaken stronger willed to the desire

Shall this consume me once again, as it twists and turns

Insanity has breached the mind, I don't know how to fix

Crave, desire, want

Slice, cut, burn, and I don't want to lose control

I feel my grip of reality slip from me

I plea and plea with God Almighty

All there's left is to plea with destiny

A thought for me

Fight, don't settle.  That goes for all

But if one does not self harm, one can still reap

It screams uncertainty, yes I'm ready

Hear me, reckon with the light

I here running from you, I stop and turn

Rebel to reality

Breath, Reborn Yes I am Ready!

To seek help, where ever is need be

To slumber another day

To breath this reality

The Edge

I am
What is this
Perhaps its me, upon the edge
Shall this be deemed for me
To Leap
Rather not but tread lightly upon the edge
Labeled so
I wish not me me
Bring this to me
What shall I be
Upon the labels destined for me

Shall I worship Allah?
Allahu Allahu Allahu
Do you hear me?
Bismillah Ar-Rahmanraheem
Is this whats meant, to suffer so in the insanity
As I scream eternally
This is me
Deemed for me
Shall I just be?

Something on the other side of the edge is here

Familiarity is near
To strive
To beg, to repent
To be stuck in this bliss
Christ are you who deem the Christians to be?
Are you lord to thee?
Is your father, the eternal Father for all?

This is falsehood I believe

I'm stuck on insanity destined for me

Edge walker, so it be

What will be next?

Upon this day

There is but hustle and oh so bustle

To prepare for what is deemed right in this day

To be

To smile

A kindness one two three four, how many more?

Does it matter what is reality beyond the illusion

Shall I reside what is light?

Perhaps this is right, but back to the endless day

With smiles and good cheer

To not isolate

To sink beyond help, but I reckon this light is for me

Is it beyond reality?

Sure this is me

Hope is but a glimmer beyond the chaos

So here I am pondering upon this time

To not be lost within out of minds for the chaos will reap our hearts

Here we are being beyond the sanity, but what a grasp it is

To ponder wander and wonder

Perhaps this will save a life or two…

What is next?

Where am I?
But at a cross road
to the bliss
to the abyss
what is next for me?
I suffocate beyond repair
do I need to stare?
upon this day do I reap
to take thee leap

What is meant for me?
beyond the abyss
is it something light right within the desire
do I creep
It has to be right

no more doubts
I'm ready for this is right
for me
shall I take thee leap
for my destiny

Stay

I'm stuck
in the bust
Have I lost the fight
Unbalanced am I
Bending to my desire

Dare I say this

I am here lost beyond the mend
Until then I depend on what to do
Shall I Reap till the end?

I reached to the stars
do they defend the mend?
Does this mean its the end?

In this reality I am me
Free
To
Be
Stuck in a drift
at the end
of the abyss
shall I miss?

Ruptured heart beats
time to mend
beyond reality
Soaked in crimson bliss
blood soaked bliss
Shall this be?
I am me
Does this depend on me

The Question reaps
Do I mend?
To defend the heart
So lets mend

To be within the reality
beyond the heart
to feel again
to be
why must it come to this
do I miss

Time to stay

within this night

Here I am
within this time
as its endless
to forget
in the bliss
is it worth while?
now is a time
to be
within the insanity
calm before the storm
I feel that this is destiny
with making a deal with the old devil
is it right
in this night
as time goes throughout the bliss
do i dismiss
within this
I'm stuck deep in this emotion
to be buried
in my own personal hell
as i push and twist and turn those around me
i want to be with them
but the emotion rips
and tears
and let the tears swell up
to burn the skin gently so
I am here
being me
stuck in the insanity of thy mind
do i define
what is mine
personal hell
I'm here
near and dear to the heart
why must this be!
what shall I do?
but to ponder as the sunsets
and when she arises
the time has reset
another day another deed
will this suddenly be reality
is this my destiny
perhaps its time to be
here I am being
this is right
within the time of the day
I can cope
barely here
lost in the abyss of the bliss

Beyond this abyss

Hopelessness lingers
Until the abyss
Is beyond the brim
Beyond repair
I stare
I'm there
Here to stay
As each dream turns from wonder to reality
I'm left pondering
With such fate
Will be able to bring the patterns of chaos to a halt
Until the times folds
I'm left pondering into the nights darkness
as insomnia burdens me
1am 2am 5am
I'm still here
Laying in my bed
Wandering into thy mind
upon time
I don't like these feelings
I'm barely me
stuck in this insanity
I ponder into the abyss
not loosing sight
for what right
Light
Hope
Peace
Serenity
this is for me
within my destiny
one can hope so anyways
until again

Even within insainty

Stand here in the Abyss
Holding into the blade that holds onto my heart so strongly
Unable to Cope for these rapid emotions that run through me in this insanity
Perhaps only time will tell if we wait for fate to overcome this
Because God doesn't give anything we cannot handle and there is cure for everything
Just because we haven't found it just doesn't mean its not there
God willing
I will show you all the badges on my arm like I'm not afraid to confess that I'm here and I'm free to be me even in this insanity
It ruptures my heart
Up in the sky so high i shine brightly on cloud nine
In this cloud its like heaven its nearly here
I fall down the stairs
No place for someone so tarnished as me

The blade that holds me tightly next to me
I hold tightly under my pillow
Only to hold to my wrist
I hold to my skin I want nothing but too devastate myself

Bring me closer bring it closer to the heart
I confess within my will
It doesn't change anything  used to help  but not it causes more tarnished more worthlessness and loneliness

I can be surrounded by everyone i know and be by everyone but that doesn't change that i Hate my self so harshly and love my self so lightly

I confess its hard to just BE

Help me in this insanity
So i call upon you oh God almighty
Save me from myself
Guide me to the narrowest straightest path
For the open door is wide and bountiful

We must strive in this life so we can overcome the challenges that we face
As the fate goes on till the end of our time
Until we are resurrected to meet our Lord to know our outcome in this eternal life of ours

I dropped my noose into the abyss
Climbing the stairs its not to far
Stairway to heaven well i go to the light or reside in this reality to keep on striving to keep on living to keep on being

I leave you with this
Oh Allah grant me serenity within my heart I confess that you the only one for me
In this insanity to bring on in Clarity on the path to Serenity So i confess once again you are the only God worthy to worshipped by me
I will worship even within this insanity
Ameen

Lost in Ilm

A blast from the past
This feeling of hope
Prefer in the heart
Bringing clarity
My heart yearns for it
So many years
If trying to forget
Only to lighten the heart
As I recite
Not enough dedication to care
I'm not free
I'm not happy
I'm loved
But don't love myself
How is this possible
Only as my mind wanders do
Those Snickers come stronger
Whispers in the heart
Glimmers in the light of color
Destructive me
I know truth
I know haq
I know what resides in my heart
I'm wrapping my arms around me
As I fall to the ground forsaken me
Unable to comprehend
I'm lost but not yet dead
On the path to ilm
Always