Inshallah ameen

Oh Allah I feel so lost
I am here begging you to end all
I am me and sure I be
How I suffer, and this makes me bitter
Yet I am here alhamduillah
Bowing my head to the ground for you alone
I want to seek haq, but I'm left in despire
Inshallah I call your name
Ar Rahman never leave me
I am truly lost without you
I feel as though the devourer is near
Shall I cut and burn, to ready the blade
To consume the darkness, letting emptiness break free
Inshallah Inshallah never let me lose hope
I just dont want to be
nevermind this world, nor the afterlife
Why must it hurt so much?
Being alone, and lonliness kills
I just want to be free
These chains holding me
Broken and beyond the bend
Here I pleaing for another time
Oh Allah, Forgive me for what I am
Have mercy, Oh merciful
Allah I love you, more than my self
I love the prophet Muhammad saw
He showed the world you
With you choosing him as the final the seal
May he rest well in jannah
Am I broken?  That I seek hellfire
Oh Allah make in easier for me, give us who are lost shifa
Making it easier for others who suffer pain, love, poverty, opression, lonliness
Ameen Ameen

Deadly

Suffocation is a must

Will this be what's next?

Pack, Push, Light, Inhale, Exhale

A slight feeling of serenity

To feel relief from the tarnished flesh that be's

Ready the knife, unless the high gets to you first

Am I ready?

To beat this?

I am stuck within the center

Edge walker, falling into the abyss

I am here, pondering upon reality

Is this meant to be

Can I be free

I am stuck with this deed, a deadly deed

Is meant to be forever, it's already been 11 years

I feel like I’m breaking free

From the chain that harness my will

I am here, ready to catch the fire

To inhale serenity, access my willingness to feel

Exhale all the darkness, can I harness this deadly deed

As the years go on and on

I am here, running from the addiction

It's clear as day, but I cannot see beyond the haze

It threatens my life, as I breath a breath of a deadly deed

So I can free of the true deadly deed

I am ready to fight the night, to conquer the soul

More to vent

Slice Am I free
Cut burn deemed for me
Is this serenity?
Chaos of the nafs
Will this be reality once again

Reach out
Why?
Is it worthwhile?

I scream
As the blood drips down me
So silently
As the crimson bliss
IS ready for me
That's right
Get Ready

You old dirty devil
I'm hell bound
Will his snicker and roar wait for me
I that whats meant for me

I thought I was right in my haq and deen
Will this dunya save me
Quiet
As one recites true serenity
Is meant for us
Lost long forgotten and forsaken

Only one is meant to be worshiped
Even in times of deadly deeds
As one takes a blade
To go down the river

Fuck that
Zig Zag
Deep
Rip and tear

Oh God
Save me
From this insanity

I want love
To love me
Is it possible
to go
7months with one cut nor a burn to claim

Noor is waiting
On another side of the bliss

Fear
But love conquers all
His love for his creation
Bismillah ar rahman ar raheem

Yes its ready
Finally
Free to be
What is next?

Lets close our eyes
Ready for a new canvas
to blend and morph
Yes something old and forgotten
Remember the good and forget the hurt

Its pending
My soul deemed for thee
Am I ready to see?

Finally
Am I free?

Next let Go to be Free

Falling in to the well of doom
Drowned in emotions to assume
It dank and dank down here
So something long forgotten lurks here
I thought I was free
Silly me
Far from thee light

I'm drifting
Wandering upon the dreams that come to thee
Here
Do you see
Beyond whats needed
Outside the box

Soaring upon the bliss

Wait this is but millisecond
I can hardly breath
Puff Puff Pass

Why cant I be free

Does the depression conquer the heart?
OR have the lungs die?

Both are the killer

I am me
Stuck beyond reality

Illusions here there everywhere
Visionary Yes its Scary

I am strong
But even weakness is here a tad to dear

Something is wrong
Within the nights mist
Snowing bliss

Here I am
Puff Puff Puffing
once again
for something other than the so called medication
Time to say
What needs to be said

I scream within my illusion hoping it to be my reality

Are you listening?
Do you hear me?
What is next?

Beyond the deadly deeds

I scream as insanity is what is clear to me

So let it be
Even within this destiny

Beyond the Bend

Here I am
At the rift
about to drift
beyond the bend
another hope to come
upon this desire
shall I be?
Within my destiny
to see
beyond my reality
to reckon with the bliss
to accept
to keep the bliss

Upon this eve
I am me
stuck
I choke
To bear this
Pain
Heart ache
Why must it be this way?

I'm left to be
stuck within reality
as bliss drifts from me
I stare until I'm blind
Looking for something to find
Lost not yet on the mend
To discover whats next

Shall I follow thy heart?

This pain hurts me
Tarnished
around the bend
unable to cope
Cope
Reap
Redeem
beyond the mend
for the end is near
and ever so dear...

Almost Gone

It builds up
So much
I'm about to explode
Take the blade to my skin
Cut the life line
I'm  near the end
Unable to comprehend
what is in the right
Am I wrong?
Am I near the right?
Shall I fight?
I'm defeated
I cope
but its no longer manageable
I burn
To turn the tide
As it moves
inside and out
until the night is here
I'm nearly gone
nearly dead
is this truth
am I right?
Perhaps not tonight
perhaps another night
be prepared for a fight
for there will be a fright
in the night
until there is nothing left
I'm on my way
to the end
What is the point
The insanity overbears
nothing helps
I'm lost
I'm gone
I'm dead
I'm free
Finally...

Even within insainty

Stand here in the Abyss
Holding into the blade that holds onto my heart so strongly
Unable to Cope for these rapid emotions that run through me in this insanity
Perhaps only time will tell if we wait for fate to overcome this
Because God doesn't give anything we cannot handle and there is cure for everything
Just because we haven't found it just doesn't mean its not there
God willing
I will show you all the badges on my arm like I'm not afraid to confess that I'm here and I'm free to be me even in this insanity
It ruptures my heart
Up in the sky so high i shine brightly on cloud nine
In this cloud its like heaven its nearly here
I fall down the stairs
No place for someone so tarnished as me

The blade that holds me tightly next to me
I hold tightly under my pillow
Only to hold to my wrist
I hold to my skin I want nothing but too devastate myself

Bring me closer bring it closer to the heart
I confess within my will
It doesn't change anything  used to help  but not it causes more tarnished more worthlessness and loneliness

I can be surrounded by everyone i know and be by everyone but that doesn't change that i Hate my self so harshly and love my self so lightly

I confess its hard to just BE

Help me in this insanity
So i call upon you oh God almighty
Save me from myself
Guide me to the narrowest straightest path
For the open door is wide and bountiful

We must strive in this life so we can overcome the challenges that we face
As the fate goes on till the end of our time
Until we are resurrected to meet our Lord to know our outcome in this eternal life of ours

I dropped my noose into the abyss
Climbing the stairs its not to far
Stairway to heaven well i go to the light or reside in this reality to keep on striving to keep on living to keep on being

I leave you with this
Oh Allah grant me serenity within my heart I confess that you the only one for me
In this insanity to bring on in Clarity on the path to Serenity So i confess once again you are the only God worthy to worshipped by me
I will worship even within this insanity
Ameen

Giving up

This Darkness is here
It crumbles my heart
Unable to cope
I resort to the old ways
Everyone leaves
No time for me
They grow tired of me
They are right
I grow tired of me too
I'm not meant to go on
What is the point
If all I feel is hate
Destruction of my heart
Those whispers grow stronger
Time turns slowly
The hour clock moves back
I'm left to conquer
Unable too
Why must I go on
I don't love myself anymore
No one loves me