Half past four

It hurts me hard
In the endless night
Another night with insomnia
Tick tock tick tock
I last in bed with my eyes shut
Hoping my slumber captures my mind
Unfortunately
Darkness is here
Once I wake
The insanity arises
On the railroad to the end
Cut
Burn
Save me from the emotions
They are rapid
Unable to comprehend the self hate
I lay still
Waiting for my angels to save me
They never come
I'm left with internal Carnage
Tick tock tick is half past 4 am
My thoughts are rapid
I cannot stop this hate
Anger is my heart
And a new hurt comes
Punching
Bash
Shake
Break
Why must it be this way
I write and write
To fight the fight
I'm broken tonight
Must be
To be insane
They say reach out
I still feel like the burden
Perhaps
My feelings are what I truly am
Unable to cope
It's nearly 5 am
What will happen to me
In this chaos
Small whisps
Come to my heart
Are they part of me?
Will they conquer me?
Flick that Bic
The pain
Brings me back to reality
Unfortunately I'm left with destruction of the pillars
That save me
What the hell
Reach out
Breath deep
Suffocate
As you swallow the light
To break the night
It's nearly sunrise
Right
Until next time
Break the darkness
The emptiness
The chaos
I'm free to be me
Even within my insane membrane

The first wave

Where to go from here
Blast off into the sea of emotions
The waves move slowly but surely
Sadness
Had found me
I find it so tiresome
That I try to slumber away my pain
I slumber
Suffocate to the max
As I Choke on my words
Stressed to the max
Another wave hits
Anger
It's something I don't want to admit
It shakes me so
I feel my blood boil
As the blood pressure rises
What to do with the intensity
I clench my fists
Ready to strike
Until the next wave hits
Rage
I feel the tears run down my face
Ashamed so from them
Something that I don't want to admit
Something that reflects the soul
I don't want to feel this way
It's not me
Even within this insanity
Next wave
Shame
Self doubting thoughts
Small whispers in my heart
Sinking me to a deeper mood disorder
I finally understand why must I shatter my soul
My heart beats to the rythm
I'm drowning
These Emotions run rampid in my heart
Unable to cope
More and more waves hit me so
Sadness, rage, doubt, shame, hate.
Where to go
Run little girl run
Run little boy run
They Snicker
As the whispers...
Conquer me so
I take my head to the clouds and try to cope
But nothing send to help
1 2 3 4
Nothing will happen
As long as he plays
The good ole tune
There fiddle is ready
For that old devil
I'm ready to end it
But hope keeps me at Bay
Even within my rage
Within my insane membrane
Hope don't loose your grasp
For it could save a life or two

Never give up

You shook me
With your words
They hit my heart so
Unable to comprehend the pain
Unable to dig through the trench
I feel shattered
What the hell
I want to be complete
There seems to be missing pieces
I pounder into my spirit
What is reality
I am unable to search
It shakes my every being
So I cut
I burn
In this insanity
It's not the best way
Not a good way
I hurt those around me
Unable to cope
The Foundation is cracked
I don't want to self harm
At this moment in the ward
I feel safe
But a million Emotions run though me
Like a current
The river the river what to do
Jump and swim with the current
Or drown in the abyss of emotions
They rip through me
Leaving the emptiness to be dealt with
I'm left in the darkness
Alone
Unable to cope
But light comes on by
Because even in the darkest night
The stars shines bright
Glory Glory
Save me from the insanity
Insane in the membrane
Don't fret
Light is a knockin
Hope is near by
Ready my skills
I am me
Reach out
Express
Write your heart out
Never give up

Almost gone

Why must I suffer so
Feeling like these tears
That swell behind my eyes
Running down my cheeks
Streaming
Unable to control
Unable to cope
I feel the rage within my fists
Strike myself so
Rage fills my aniexty so
Fixated on the desires
Unable to give l control my emotions so
Unable to cope
Unable to breath
I'm stuck here
Within these walls my even though I want to take a trip down the river.
Not across the bridge
But down the stream
What the hell am I doing
What the hell
Glimmer within my sight
They bring a fright
What an I to do
Give in
Cope
Breath
Stay grounded
Unable to breath
I'm suffocating
I just want this pain to end
Until then I'm stuck on the railroad
To the end
Point the pistol to the temple
Explosion
Hit the floor
I'm gone
I'm dead
I'm finally free

Safety safety

I stare at myself
As the wheel turns
In the cycle of chaos
Cut me harshly
Burn me ever so
Safety safety I need to be
As I blink
Disaster floods the mind
I'm suffocating
Hold my breath
Deep breaths
I finally know
What causes me to enter chaos
It's I within my mind
I'm not safe
It's me inside my spirit my every being
Knowledge can be useless
If you don't know how to use what you have gained
I know I'm am chaos, irrational, insane.
But lastly I'm free to be me
The problem is clear
It's worth my mind
The solution is key
What is it
Where is it
Why must I been lost in the abyss
Star child
Distant star to the universe
Maybe I need to strive
Against my every being
I want to drive the needle to my skin
Be high in the sky
Up to cloud nine
I need to fight
Fight the good ole fight
So the war seems bearable
I want to die
Honestly at this moment in time
I'm blind and deaf
But surely not dumb
Do not take my for a shaman
Nor a role model
I'm broken
Waiting to be fixed
But I will not lose myself inside the cycle of chaos.
I'm worthwhile
I'm beautiful
I'm free to be me

For Elena

Friend where are you
I see that your hope withers so
I been tháere
Down but not dead
On a railroad to the end
Paradise not to far
, What to do now
I stare blankly at you
Holding you close
Your spirit is beautiful
Chaos clouds the mind from time to time
Remember
To reside in the light
To fight the darkness
It may seem like a dead end
But your heart is pure as it can be
Even within the Insanity
Fight hard in this battle
For the war goes on
I love you for now and every more
Your eyes stare inside my soul
Serenity is near
Just reach for it
Reach out
I am here
To comfort you

Monster within me

What the hell am I doing
I'm lost in the abyss
I must confess
That I'm stuck in the darkness
But perhaps I'm in the best place
Up down all around
What to do from here
I feel like my slate is blank
Only to fuck up my life more
As each hour goes on by
Time moves slowly
Rapid emotions on the track to destroy my heart and soul
Cut away the pain
I'm stuck in the abyss
The emptiness lurks here
As it consumes me
Is it my destiny
Perhaps not perhaps maybe so
The monster I am that I feel inside me
Cut deep into my skin
To release the demons
Every scar
Is a story to tell
What the hell am I doing
Not too tricky
Perhaps
I'm stuck on this cycle
Chaos is my domain
Am I supposed to choose
Chaos or Clarity
I'm done
I'm free
Even within my insanity
I want to feel the peace inside me
But instead I'm left
To devour the emotions
And be blank
One can only wish
Unfortunately
Rapid emotions
Depression
Darkness
Emptiness
Rule my fate
No long a blank slate
Darkness has settled
What hell
Let the monster loose
She is the beast
She claws me
Self reflection
I am me
Free to be
Even within my insanity