Fragile

Where am I
Lost within the abyss
knowing only what i think i want to know
doubting him
the everlasting soul

Standing here
I hang my head in sorrow
I clench my fists

Boom Pow Bang
Explosion happening now
My rage goes on
Making a fist
now knowing what to do with all this hate

So i devastate myself
Impacted to my skull
hoping it hits my soul my spirit
I dead inside
I lost in the mist
in this abyss

I strike once again
my fists are bloody
yet I go on and on again
one two three four five....
Thirteen
So many
be them cuts
Burns
Devouring
Striking

Its all self harm

Its not needed
As the badges on my arms help me recover so
Their reminders that no matter how much pain i feel
I'm tough
I'm strong
You going to hurt me
I beat you to it
1 2 3 4
slide across the scars
make more and more

Soon
Time will only tell

I am lost in this abyss
I feel this emotional pain
All the time
its behind every cheer smile chuckle

once again i wake up each time i loose reality

where am I
is cloud 9
do not deny me
cloud 9 ever lasting reality
Cloud 9 bring me close to you
in this reality

No its not real
its not right
its wrong but right

Why must i argue so within my soul

This will be Now

I stand falling to my knees
I as I prostrate to thee
Allah almighty
I must confess to you with my heart
this pain
this monster than lies deep within me
Is here with me even within the sanity that is with you
Something familiar arises in thy soul
dare i say who
He conquers me so
I seek refuge in you oh Allah
because remember dua is the best

He still lingers
Of my mind
unable to cope
So dare i say
I'm free to be me within this insanity

he snickers and suggests and demands
tears run rapid down my cheers my eyes water
no time for tears
I'm ashamed
I'm not worth it
I'm tarnished
beyond repair

Why even bother saving me

I confess though in my heart and soul
that your the only God for me
not him
not his suggestions are unjust
unlike you oh Allah
you are loving
Merciful
Forgiving
Just
Without you the world truly would be lost

I feel lost within emotions
my heart says Islam is the way but i still doubt self
how can one love self 100%
not attainable for me
not yet
never

Oh Allah
Save me from my self
purify my heart
bring the Rage to Bliss
unable to conquer the darkness
left to fight tis battle on wards
its truly my jihad my struggle the insanity
i don't think anything else but you will help
Even now I don't want to be
even in this sanity I drift
and doubt
so remember you always in dkhr
you are the only one worthy of worship
One God One Love One Life

I seek refuge in Allah From the accursed Satan
Ashadu la illah allah ashadu muhammedan rusuallah
Allahu akbar
With you
I Cannot this alone
so in remembrance to you only I will try and try again
and return to you always...

Monster within me

What the hell am I doing
I'm lost in the abyss
I must confess
That I'm stuck in the darkness
But perhaps I'm in the best place
Up down all around
What to do from here
I feel like my slate is blank
Only to fuck up my life more
As each hour goes on by
Time moves slowly
Rapid emotions on the track to destroy my heart and soul
Cut away the pain
I'm stuck in the abyss
The emptiness lurks here
As it consumes me
Is it my destiny
Perhaps not perhaps maybe so
The monster I am that I feel inside me
Cut deep into my skin
To release the demons
Every scar
Is a story to tell
What the hell am I doing
Not too tricky
Perhaps
I'm stuck on this cycle
Chaos is my domain
Am I supposed to choose
Chaos or Clarity
I'm done
I'm free
Even within my insanity
I want to feel the peace inside me
But instead I'm left
To devour the emotions
And be blank
One can only wish
Unfortunately
Rapid emotions
Depression
Darkness
Emptiness
Rule my fate
No long a blank slate
Darkness has settled
What hell
Let the monster loose
She is the beast
She claws me
Self reflection
I am me
Free to be
Even within my insanity