Midnight Ponder

What is right?

Perhaps this might be the guide

I feel a pull inside of me

Unable to comprehend if it's right

Instead the uncertainty sets

Causing doubts within eman

Wanting nothing more but to understand

Having confusion to the max

Unable to comprehend hope

Darkness is here and near

It's slumbers upon humanity

But God said Be and here we are being

I'll be walking the deen in this Dunya

This corrupt world

Darkness within the heart

Corruption within the soul

Is this right?

Perhaps this is what light truly is

What would light be if there was no darkness to counter?

I've fallen to the ground

Was this fall meant to be?

Confusion to the max

Fear of what is different

But is this right?

My soul yearns for what is right

Even in the muck of confusion

I can see what the truth is

Even in the darkness

There shall be the light knocking

Screaming to let in

For the heart has hardened

For all the self-hate

Within myself

So

Am I right to accept the light?

When darkness corrupts my soul

Here I am pondering upon insanity

Is this truly meant for me?

Walking destruction

Chaos as I go

Calculated chaos

I'm able to comprehend this

But I cannot comprehend what the light is

For my soul is tarnished

Broken Beyond Bend

Shattered Beyond limit

And I scream and I scream so silently

Why must I be this way?

In the everlasting fight

Up down all around insanity is here

For the motions are going

Over and over again

Will this be different this time?

Perhaps time will tell

Before it's too late

And I end it all

Where is this hope?

Where to find?

Twisted

Corrupt

Blissful

Loving

Rager

Empathy

So many statements

Labels ever so

I am but me

Within this insanity

I find that there is only one worthy of worship

That is Allah the almighty the most beneficial the most merciful

So seek him always

Always

For darkness shall always be overcome by the light

For Allah is that noor

So perhaps I should follow the way

Being pulled from every direction

Here I am pondering upon my soul

Midnight fun here we go

maybe again

I scream within this insanity

Let it be

The chaos that deems my soul

For the anger is here

Biting down onto my flesh

My heart is burning

I'm melting

I am lost

Where to go

But in the cycle of chaos

Let it be even worth a bit of sanity

I scream so everlasting silently

Let me bleed

Crimson bliss

Let the Chaos flow

Why

Will I ever be so

Happy with out going manic

Here I am being

Cutting burning feeling

Stuck in traffic

Of the heart and soul

I scream so silently

Will I be free to bleed...

Mania Bliss

At the start line begging to go

Chaos on the run

Up up to cloud 9

Does this define me what I am in this time

Walking on darkness into the abyss

The emotions roll into the mist

To feel what it means to be insane in the membrane

One pill two pill three pill four don't know what to do mania for this

Medication to the brim

Unable to feel

Wanting the lobotomy in my brain

Tired of mania running my life

As the emotions roll off my tongue

The vulgar chaotic rage controls

Then the subdued feelings hit

Falling into the darkness

Fighting with all the emotions

As too much happiness leads to mania

I swallow my antidepressant thinking it will help conquer the darkness

One pill two pill medication more

Therapy skills to conquer it more

To write your heart out pen to paper

Can I comprehend what this insanity is?

Losing myself losing my sanity losing my mind

To be at such a crossroad in life if you should slit your throat or cut your heart open

Ready to bleed and do you need to see what's in this insanity

I dare you to peek in my mind

Chaotic wonderous Bliss of rage

Carnage hatred destruction peace

Peace wanted within the heart

Working towards kindness to another

There's not enough kindness in my heart to be nice to myself

Here on the inside I'm bleeding my soul is chaotic

Is this is what's destined to me?

Stuck with insanity

Wondering when the mania will end?

Back home soon home is where the heart is

Off to see the doctor for some unwanted Bliss

What will be next to dismiss

Losing but wanting to live

Darkness has clouded my heart
Unable to cope
The rage goes on
What is the point?
What is wrong?
Am I in the right
In this night
Is it worth it
Are they right?
Can no one accept me
Tick tock tick tock
The hourglass of Life goes on
As the sand turns the tide
I'm lost within the rage
And with that the tears burn me ever so
And the voices burden me evermore
I'm downright gone
Into the abyss of darkness
Truly this night is not the night
Not tonight for light
Will darkness conquer my soul
Shroud the darkness Within
Give in they say
Am I worthless?
Shall I do the deed?
Within this insanity
I'm lost within the abyss of the mist
To fight the darkness or to conquer the heart
What is right?
In this night
Knock knock on hearts door
Blow the candle out
The darkness shrouding the light
Unable to cope
I write
I want the blade
I want the flame
I want deaths door
What is the point of no one can accept me for me
I'm within this insanity
Chaos is here
For this time in the abyss
Shall I set the list
Within the mist
Take the pill
To be calm and chill
To recognize
What is wrong
What is correct
To cope
To hope
To win the war

Rage on

The rage goes on
Internal fire in the heart
Burns ever brightly
Upon the chaos of the heart
I'm lost in the insanity
I'm lost within the rage
Unable to cope
I feel myself
Lose myself
Haunt myself
In this everlasting terrany
Shall the rage conquer my heart
It rips and turns
I feel it in my arms
As the blood flow goes to my fists
Do not test me
I do not care for your tardiness
Unable to compare
What is frightened this night
Shall the rage burn on
All I want to do is burn
Ignite the night
I'm done
I'm gone
I'm not right
I'm in the wrong
Unable to cope
I'm here
Not for long...

The first wave

Where to go from here
Blast off into the sea of emotions
The waves move slowly but surely
Sadness
Had found me
I find it so tiresome
That I try to slumber away my pain
I slumber
Suffocate to the max
As I Choke on my words
Stressed to the max
Another wave hits
Anger
It's something I don't want to admit
It shakes me so
I feel my blood boil
As the blood pressure rises
What to do with the intensity
I clench my fists
Ready to strike
Until the next wave hits
Rage
I feel the tears run down my face
Ashamed so from them
Something that I don't want to admit
Something that reflects the soul
I don't want to feel this way
It's not me
Even within this insanity
Next wave
Shame
Self doubting thoughts
Small whispers in my heart
Sinking me to a deeper mood disorder
I finally understand why must I shatter my soul
My heart beats to the rythm
I'm drowning
These Emotions run rampid in my heart
Unable to cope
More and more waves hit me so
Sadness, rage, doubt, shame, hate.
Where to go
Run little girl run
Run little boy run
They Snicker
As the whispers...
Conquer me so
I take my head to the clouds and try to cope
But nothing send to help
1 2 3 4
Nothing will happen
As long as he plays
The good ole tune
There fiddle is ready
For that old devil
I'm ready to end it
But hope keeps me at Bay
Even within my rage
Within my insane membrane
Hope don't loose your grasp
For it could save a life or two