Safety Net

Where am I?
I'm lost along this path
Faces follow me as I go
Unable to hear them scream as I pass by
Rapid waves of emotions are here
In the eye of the storm I sit and ponder
As the tears roll by my cheeks my heart is Bairin
Unable to love self
So take the blade to the skin
It's old dull blade
Hurts more than yesterday
Yesterday is but a memory
Distant in the sea of tears

I find myself not pleading to God but damning him instead

Perhaps this is what hopelessness is

Last night is the last night for me
I draw my last deep breaths today

Once again in the safety net of society
Sitting in the little white room
Dreaming of ending it all
Planning ways to get discharged
That's not the answer right now

If I am to return home at this state I'm surely I will draw my last breaths

I feel this emptiness grow inside me
It twists and turns
Growing larger and larger

I've said it once and many more after that

Fight the darkness
Don't just fight but conquer

I'm tired of fighting the good ole fight
Time to lay down and subdue
Never wanted to die
Just wanted to stop drifting away from the light
Hope is gone
Light is faded
And the darkness grows
His hunger suffocates me not me but everyone
I ponder and ponder only to have me wonder
Did the world need me?

Does my family want me?

Did society accept me?

Rip turn devour
Rip blade cut
Devour flesh devour mind
This is darkness
Here to stay
For now and evermore

So here I sit in the safety net
Ready to surrender to the blade
So I write this and I confess
That I'm not sane as the moments pass

Only time will tell...
Here to stay for a little while
Home I go for eternal depression

So I must confess
I'm not right
Not now
Not tomorrow

I know this is wrong thinking
So I tinker
At the heart
Help me be safe
Oh safety net

Path: Borderline

I am sorry it has to come to this
Where i feel ripped apart
at my faults
I don't mean to be so high maintenance

Some will mistake me from a Drama Queen
Scared of death of labels
often am I referred to Felicia
"Goodbye Felicia "
Cruel words from the kettle

What's different for me
I can actually grasp some sort of reality
I understand it
It's often mistaken for sociopath behavior
on the path to serenity, i think not but on the path to some sort border
perhaps might as well name it Borderline paths for me

Don't be so hard to judge me so fast
do you understand the path is intertwined with
those eyes staring at me, millions upon millions of glimmering faces
never to conquer them but run to PRN
Self-esteem breakdown
I'm on railroad to fear
the worse anxiety I have felt

Just thinking about the Glimmer brings them scratching the surface and molded into vision

Tears roll upon my face
so much more
these as I'm raw
sensitive
a sponge waiting to suck up all the  emotions
unable to express normally
personally, i try to recover
be mindful of my emotions
be present in this moment

Another aspect of the path unwinding behind me
is not of the borderline
I connect with my friends all to well
and I'm blinded by my LOVE for them
so much that sometimes they are hurting me on the inside
that i must turn the blade to my skin

Only the crimson blood flows will satisfy me
one two three keep on going until there is nothing much bone left
I feel tarnished as the scars run all over my body
the urge grows stronger by the days that go by

Some say Reach reach out to someone who loves you back
what if you feel like a burden
you are left with a plea to God and those pleas are as empty as the emptiness consumes you

I am fed up with letting the disorder walk and wreak havoc on my life
can't leave it behind trying to forget
But walk hand in hand with it
you are one with borderline
Admit it
own it
express it
live and die with it

again hi I'm Borderline
don't judge me
we are all different
yet the same
we all have skills to deal with it
if you think I'm trying to trick you and control you with my words
when I reach out
you don't know me very well
it's not my intention
I'm broken
but just a bit dented with duct tape holding me together

Soon to be shattered
if I let every other personality break me
I will not break
because you what
I'm worth it
and never alone
Hope for today so tomorrow doesn't fade away

Rays of sunshine

Regret sinks in
Only to feel express the happiness
For others around you need your happiness
I am a ray of sunshine
After all I an a star child
Ever burning for ever more
I emit joy life freedom
Dare to inspire
Dare to get creative
Inspiration to some sorts

Now back to regret
Sorrow was upon my expression the last of night
So what do I do
But drown in sorrow but that stopped I substituted
I taste a smooth rum like substance

I was before in a state of recover
I write a symbol well played the part of addict
Am I one
Aren't we all some sort of junkie
I know I am for emotions

They bubble and move through me
Such a horror at times
Can be absolute bliss
I am a star child
I emit my rays of sunshine
Making it brighter

Don't be fooled
The borderline is there
Don't let a disorder lead the way
Walk hand in hand with it
Be friends
But be in charge of your emotions
The good, bad, and ugly.
Don't let them affect you so
Manipulate you to twist and turn
Shaking my head

I found an out let
I found many coping skills
You may hear about them
Read about them

Write your heart out

Not to get side tracked
But back to regret
I regret that yesterday was not more joyful I may have started chaos or encouraged it
After all we be in the cycle of chaos but on our path to serenity.

So omit the happiness you want and perhaps you may receive it

Star child
Shine bright and everlasting
Don't let the borderline rule you remember hand in hand
Don't let it own you

Meaning

What does life mean to me?

I sit ponder wonder upon the ocean of emotions

Does it mean to feel every emotion run through you like the ice wind penetrating your body

I stand at the edge of the cliff and look down

Will i jump to my death

to end this agony...

Will an angel catch me

I pray falling to my knee's

Oh God

Is it waste to ply to you

Worship

Does this mean something to me

Faith I have it

But it withers goes up and down

Often with my sanity, do I find my emotions running rampant 

Stop catch my breath

was suppose to be writing about life

What does this life mean to me

I want to cause purpose

As i write each emotion down

Empathy is met to my pen

As long as someone reads my words and takes them to heart

I will be happy

As long as i live on with my writings in a heart to some lost one

Im not broken but rebuilding

I was broken

But now rebuilding

So my friend I say what is meaning

to me

its my happiness

and where do i find but in my travels, through the many smiles i meet to the sorrowful eyes from a child or man or women 

Maybe the lost hopeful eyes of stray in the pound

I will find it

meaning i think already have

I found in others

that i mean something to them

im wanted

im loved

and if i was to take the knife to the life line

I shall drown in my sorrows of my family and friends

So today i live

and tomorrow well hope for today so tomorrow dont fade away

Words

Where am I?
but on my star not too far from reality
will I lose myself
will I prove to myself
will believe in me
so many questions
so much self-doubt
ar the brim of the ocean
Tears keep on flowing
never stop
because if I did I would be broken

I'm not broken
no no no
not then
not now and not tomorrow
I am strong and free
people believe in me
they truly love me
so then why cannot love self
why must hate flow
are they the desires of the devil
he ha ha ha he
devil show us self as you snicker from the hearts of humans
Greed runs all wars
Lust run everyone to deviant ways

Deviant, I am
trying to be humble
but fuck that
I should be proud
if not for self but for those who admire me
yes believe not people admire
fucked up as it seems

some judge me by the badges on my arms
what they don't know
am I hate myself so
for taking that blade

tick tock reality is about to break the barrier

I'm falling down and ascending to my body finally 
heart soul and spirit are one
I stand at the edge
once again will an angel come to my aid
surely because those thoughts run throughout of my maze 
the labyrinth of thy mind
I'm all over the place
never at peace
wanting but two things for self in life 
being happiness and peace

Is this attainable?

perhaps
Hope is here so near and dear
Have some heart
Don't lose your grasp
Sanity depends on it

Set My Soul Free

watch me move to this music
roll on by as the emotions flow
up up to cloud nine
roll on by emotions ever flowing
where am i ?
am I lost?
no no not lost but on this beat
up up to reside in heaven
not yet dead
not yet alive
beating beating
hear the music
it makes me feel so nice
up up to cloud nine
where the emotions are at peace
I dance
moving to the beat

Friends are here
Connected we are
letting the music move within us
up up to the dance floor
I move with you
close i am
emotions flow
smile on this beat
im moving onwards
dare to inspire

flash flash
slide slide
keep on moving
letting the emotions flow
I am not on railroad to disaster
but on a train to the beat
strum goes the volin
hear the melody

stretch to the beat
im insane
take the meds
causing me to be at balance
not so on a railroad wreck

funk pop move
to the up up beat
i dont know where to go
so i keep on moving
as the emotions flow
running from them
but i hear the music and im at peace
to takes me away
from the hate
from the darkness
bring light and happiness
im happy and finally free to be me
watch me roll

on on on
on this beat
dance to the music

SET MY SOUL FREE

Do not Dismay

boring night but i do not dismay
as I ponder up to the sky does heaven reside
does the spirit reside it you be him a spirit of holiness
that calls upon you to do rightous and good
As i read the the word and the word knows me
I ponder day and night as the insomnia sinks in
sanity is but a glimpse in this reality
AS the Holy spirit this man these emotions work in me
I strive to live and live to be
strike me in thy heart and soul that i may not dismiss what is right
That God understand me and works in me to spread his word to those around me
As my deeds are good for the glory of God
I call upon the father to accept me for me
I open thy heart to my saviour and Lord as i understand him
To save me from myself for as i said it
am my worse enemy
as the worse enemy of me is the snickers of that old devil
he conseals the truth from me
but I am in thy Light of the Lord
For the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit are all in one
I understand only as the holy spirit shows their emotions to me
I feel his person move in me and with the living water finding life to me from the Lord
That Lord sent his Grace upon his when the Holy Spirit went into Mary and she Conceived Jesus
That he was fully man but not give up his divinity
Always having the spirit of the holiness within him
You must allow this holy spirit to work within you
pureifying you
He works in you
I will admit that i try to deny him the spirit as i dwell in sins
But let the spirit move into me and make me pure aloowing living water to give me life
As like i am in eden the garden trying from the stream that feed the tree of life
That i have everlasting life with the Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I do not deny no longer that I am christian
So work in me holy spirit
in me for now and ever more until i arise on the day of judgement before the father
SO hear the voice of the lord if you may as I did in my confession to my savior as i understood him
say i am full of sin if you may you do not know me as God does
I knowth the Lord God the Father Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit
though this golden hope resides with me
Glory Glory do not dismay
Bless me from thy lord
in his name
Amen