Clarity

Falling onto the path of uncertainty, why must it be this way
To inhale the bliss to dismiss what may be right
Uncertain are the daggers to my heart of thy mind does it tear
Emotions run rapid on my body, does it quiver ever so slightly
To Suffer so much that chaos of my mind soul and body enters artificial bliss
One medication dose, then the noon one
What possesses me to not take supper and whats the point?
I falling into the pit, and I ran and jumped with glee to get here
Is this whats meant to be within the insanity beyond the clarity
Do I see? Whats meant to be
I refuse to suffer more and more so I grasp what maybe a light
To rip twist turn
To make new rifts so the insanity doesn't distort
This is right in this light whats meant for you and me
To invite whats deemed to be
So I write, to write my heart and every emotion out
I am here
Remember me, with my words
New rifts to be within what I deem in the Clarity
Sun Soaked bliss, That I not not dismiss
Smile its deemed for you and me
Beyond the suffering
The chaos is near, but the bliss wins the race
Clarity dismisses the insanity, that is what is right
Once again I am Free to Be within this destiny

Ready To Go

 Where am I?

I find myself lost, on the edge

Wandering into the galaxies 

Star sprinkled bliss, ready to show you the way

Walking into the abyss, I'm left here pondering

Shall I shout and shout shout and scream it all out

Deadly deeds have arrived

Countering deaths deadly deed

Blood soak skin, will the flow ever stop

I am here, inside my head screaming for the forces to let me go

I want to be free, I never am

For hope is lost, at the moment dead inside

I reckon

Help me, no one cares

I am stuck in insanity, let that deem whats for me

I scream as the insanity bleeds into thy soul

I ready to let go, why must it be this way

Confusion of the heart mind and soul

Ready set go, another day, and another time

Bliss here there and everywhere

Just got to find a flake or too

I am ready to end this all, but I stop myself

There this time, I will stop

The devourer doesnt listen

To hate self, to maybe love self

To reach out, let go

Happiness is but an illusion of the heart

Depression is real and its ready to deal

Darkness leads to the abyss

Then it sucks thy soul

I am ready to let go

Though I am bounded by my emotions

Shall I rip tear to not care

I swear I do, even with a gaping hole in my soul

Now ready to let go

Please God save me from myself

Lets Go!

Ready To Lose

 I am Lost

Here I am being

Ripping my flesh and consuming

What will come of it

As a million stars scream

As the universe deems

I am here, pondering upon sanity

It always gets me, turning me upside down

Rip tear consume, ready set go

My left arm twitches now, for what

Nothing but the desire, the devouring is here

Ready set go, tick tack on the bend

As the tear drop, a million feeling

Ruptured, readying the blade

To slice and dice

Ready set go, hand me a knife

Ready to slit the flesh and consume

Dirty deeds, ready to feel

Chaos of the heart, needing to bleed

Crimson red bleeding here

Ready set go, I dont know what to do

I fucked

Confusion

Bang bang Bang Bang

I I I

Free to be, even though the insanity

Clear as day, within the haze

Rapidly screaming, shouting, running

Is it with Glee?

Does it define me?

In this chaotic life

Cycle of doom

Ready

I am me, needing to be free

Can't stand to me tied up

No I won't settle, it's clear as day

Insanity is here

Confusion of the heart mind soul

Where do I stand with God, and where oh where shall I be?

Here I am, Free

Tell me one thing

Is it worth it?

All the frustration

Smart as I can be

It seems the confusion wins each battle

Distorted feelings that be within, outward they are

Present, I am here

Along for the ride

So Hold on

To Breath...

Tick Tock Tick Tock

Slumber early to miss seconds

Here to stay at the moment I break

As the stars that be, spread far and wide

I am being, tarnished, and able

Shall I ready the blade?  I am Torn

At the bridge, nicki nicki nine door feeling

Shall I breach what's been holding on since birth

I am locked up, unable to control

So I slumber, only to awaken stronger willed to the desire

Shall this consume me once again, as it twists and turns

Insanity has breached the mind, I don't know how to fix

Crave, desire, want

Slice, cut, burn, and I don't want to lose control

I feel my grip of reality slip from me

I plea and plea with God Almighty

All there's left is to plea with destiny

A thought for me

Fight, don't settle.  That goes for all

But if one does not self harm, one can still reap

It screams uncertainty, yes I'm ready

Hear me, reckon with the light

I here running from you, I stop and turn

Rebel to reality

Breath, Reborn Yes I am Ready!

To seek help, where ever is need be

To slumber another day

To breath this reality

More to vent

Slice Am I free
Cut burn deemed for me
Is this serenity?
Chaos of the nafs
Will this be reality once again

Reach out
Why?
Is it worthwhile?

I scream
As the blood drips down me
So silently
As the crimson bliss
IS ready for me
That's right
Get Ready

You old dirty devil
I'm hell bound
Will his snicker and roar wait for me
I that whats meant for me

I thought I was right in my haq and deen
Will this dunya save me
Quiet
As one recites true serenity
Is meant for us
Lost long forgotten and forsaken

Only one is meant to be worshiped
Even in times of deadly deeds
As one takes a blade
To go down the river

Fuck that
Zig Zag
Deep
Rip and tear

Oh God
Save me
From this insanity

I want love
To love me
Is it possible
to go
7months with one cut nor a burn to claim

Noor is waiting
On another side of the bliss

Fear
But love conquers all
His love for his creation
Bismillah ar rahman ar raheem

Yes its ready
Finally
Free to be
What is next?

Lets close our eyes
Ready for a new canvas
to blend and morph
Yes something old and forgotten
Remember the good and forget the hurt

Its pending
My soul deemed for thee
Am I ready to see?

Finally
Am I free?

Next let Go to be Free

Falling in to the well of doom
Drowned in emotions to assume
It dank and dank down here
So something long forgotten lurks here
I thought I was free
Silly me
Far from thee light

I'm drifting
Wandering upon the dreams that come to thee
Here
Do you see
Beyond whats needed
Outside the box

Soaring upon the bliss

Wait this is but millisecond
I can hardly breath
Puff Puff Pass

Why cant I be free

Does the depression conquer the heart?
OR have the lungs die?

Both are the killer

I am me
Stuck beyond reality

Illusions here there everywhere
Visionary Yes its Scary

I am strong
But even weakness is here a tad to dear

Something is wrong
Within the nights mist
Snowing bliss

Here I am
Puff Puff Puffing
once again
for something other than the so called medication
Time to say
What needs to be said

I scream within my illusion hoping it to be my reality

Are you listening?
Do you hear me?
What is next?

Beyond the deadly deeds

I scream as insanity is what is clear to me

So let it be
Even within this destiny

The Edge

I am
What is this
Perhaps its me, upon the edge
Shall this be deemed for me
To Leap
Rather not but tread lightly upon the edge
Labeled so
I wish not me me
Bring this to me
What shall I be
Upon the labels destined for me

Shall I worship Allah?
Allahu Allahu Allahu
Do you hear me?
Bismillah Ar-Rahmanraheem
Is this whats meant, to suffer so in the insanity
As I scream eternally
This is me
Deemed for me
Shall I just be?

Something on the other side of the edge is here

Familiarity is near
To strive
To beg, to repent
To be stuck in this bliss
Christ are you who deem the Christians to be?
Are you lord to thee?
Is your father, the eternal Father for all?

This is falsehood I believe

I'm stuck on insanity destined for me

Edge walker, so it be

What will be next?

She Calls

What is this
But a desire deep down
Deeper than the devour
One that wants to ride out on a high
Is this me
Do I desire
To smoke bliss
Inject hope
Whats next

I desire what might kill
She is sexy
She is beautiful
A dream to come true

Shall I smoke on this bliss
Warm me up she says
Ready the needle
To soak up a deadly deed
But the insanity is far from me

As you see beyond what reality
This be bliss
I ready to die for her
Thank you lovely
It was meant to be
Stuck running on temporary
Reality is near
Time to shoot another
Cant get enough
I am ready
What is next?

Chaos of the heart and soul in here
What is meant for me
To be near an end
many doors to lead there
Shall I dance with her?
That sweet deed

Reckoning

Where to go from here
I am almost gone
So I plead
With you alone
Do you hear me?
My soul reeks of decaying bliss
I'm almost gone
I reckon
This Light I feel
Will bring somewhat to a bit of peace
I am here
Waiting to feel you in my heart
Wanting nothing more
Than your love

People souls speak of you
I'm stuck here worshiping falseness
Can I have a break from the insanity?

Your light came to me

In dreams to come

The edge walker, is falling to the abyss

You reach you light your arms to me

I reach for the blade
I know nothing more
You conquer the darkness
Your the light

Tears roll on done and I shiver from fright
In this holy light
You alone are the savior for me
To rise up to be with you
The light the is near

You are for me
This feels right
I'm lost
but your near
Glory Glory
show me peace
Reckon this is right within the light

The warmth of you my lord

I say
you are for me
Save from the insanity the abyss
Take me to the bliss
With you always my lord

I pray
To you
Jesus
you Died for me
For us
For Aba
Choose you, his only begotten son
you are for me
This light I need
I reckon my heart is right
You pull me
I am near
Bring me close
I cry tears of joy
For this light is for me
I say oh my lord
My light
Jesus lord and savior
Bask with me
They light deemed for all
Even me
Stuck in the insanity
there is but bliss for a moment, I choose this
To be with be you
Jesus you are that light
Amen

What is this soothing

Upon this is what deemed beyond reality
The glimmer as the mind See's
Up and Down
Side to Side
Reverse
Snicker here and there
what lives beyond the illusions
What will be right
What is for me
This soothes me
What is meant to lighten the heart
Do you hear my inside scream, is this deemed for me
I say I seek refuge with my heart to you alone
Allahu  Allahu  Allahu
I say again
Allahu you are for me
To whisper within the heart
Bismillah Arahman Araheem
To feel, to be, within the illusion, as it burns what is next for me
I say again within my heart
Allahu  Allahu Allahu
Please save me
From the glimmering
Soothe me
Do not burden me
You made me right
Why such the fight
To go beyond fright
to whisper into my heart, to seek refuge from the accursed Satan to to with you always
Allahu Allahu Allahu
Bring this near me
your word
for its burns
as one may be tarnished so
Only you can save me
From this insanity
That is near to me
is this what its meant for my destiny?
Allahu Allahu Allahu
Allah
Bismillah arahman araheem

Upon this day

There is but hustle and oh so bustle

To prepare for what is deemed right in this day

To be

To smile

A kindness one two three four, how many more?

Does it matter what is reality beyond the illusion

Shall I reside what is light?

Perhaps this is right, but back to the endless day

With smiles and good cheer

To not isolate

To sink beyond help, but I reckon this light is for me

Is it beyond reality?

Sure this is me

Hope is but a glimmer beyond the chaos

So here I am pondering upon this time

To not be lost within out of minds for the chaos will reap our hearts

Here we are being beyond the sanity, but what a grasp it is

To ponder wander and wonder

Perhaps this will save a life or two…

A ponder

Allahu allim
I'm here again
pondering upon time
Can I barely reach the surface
Allahu allim
I call out
Only one answers me
deemed for us
demmed for you and me
Bliss surely not to dismiss
Down and not right
I drift
To sink in the dank darkness
Shifting until the mania sets in
Rapid emptiness
they say
what is ment to be
I am Me
Prfect as I can be
Even within the insanity
Perhaps
this is right
Upon these days
Allahu Akbar
I am with you God almighty
Save me from my self
Make this my hope
Allahu allim
Why do I suffer
only to suffer more
I here freedom is here
Do I choose?
Seems that way
inshallah its get better
because darknesss is winning
and bliss barely surfaces
inshallah ameen

Repair

Morning sunrise
let me be tarnished
beyond repair
that's a start to this day
upon my heart
does it beat
I breath
blowing out that flame
charred flesh
here I come
Unable to cope
so I resort to a new way

here I am
charred to a bit
unable to cope so i set
what is next?
What will happen next?

I pray
Serenity is but temporary
that bliss is far from me

To blister and bubble
to do this entirety
I am me
stuck in chaos
unable to cope

So that flame dances along the soft skin

what is right?

Everything is wrong?

Here I am
Falling into the pit
not able to cope
so I be
within this destiny
let me be

To Wonder

To ponder?

 what is to be within the insanity

 but a hope to bring balance a light for all a desire

 to be just be within destiny of thy heart

 do one confess what is light in the right 

but Allah that's what right in this night

Upon time do I wonder

What is Next?
But Dua for the heart
is that truly whats for me
it brings serenity
is this peace
for the mind
as we recite what is just
what is right
in this day
night
eve
morning
dawn to dusk
I call upon thee
Oh Allah
I surrender
to hope
to cope
In shall Allah

Beyond the Bend

Here I am
At the rift
about to drift
beyond the bend
another hope to come
upon this desire
shall I be?
Within my destiny
to see
beyond my reality
to reckon with the bliss
to accept
to keep the bliss

Upon this eve
I am me
stuck
I choke
To bear this
Pain
Heart ache
Why must it be this way?

I'm left to be
stuck within reality
as bliss drifts from me
I stare until I'm blind
Looking for something to find
Lost not yet on the mend
To discover whats next

Shall I follow thy heart?

This pain hurts me
Tarnished
around the bend
unable to cope
Cope
Reap
Redeem
beyond the mend
for the end is near
and ever so dear...

Fragile

Where am I
Lost within the abyss
knowing only what i think i want to know
doubting him
the everlasting soul

Standing here
I hang my head in sorrow
I clench my fists

Boom Pow Bang
Explosion happening now
My rage goes on
Making a fist
now knowing what to do with all this hate

So i devastate myself
Impacted to my skull
hoping it hits my soul my spirit
I dead inside
I lost in the mist
in this abyss

I strike once again
my fists are bloody
yet I go on and on again
one two three four five....
Thirteen
So many
be them cuts
Burns
Devouring
Striking

Its all self harm

Its not needed
As the badges on my arms help me recover so
Their reminders that no matter how much pain i feel
I'm tough
I'm strong
You going to hurt me
I beat you to it
1 2 3 4
slide across the scars
make more and more

Soon
Time will only tell

I am lost in this abyss
I feel this emotional pain
All the time
its behind every cheer smile chuckle

once again i wake up each time i loose reality

where am I
is cloud 9
do not deny me
cloud 9 ever lasting reality
Cloud 9 bring me close to you
in this reality

No its not real
its not right
its wrong but right

Why must i argue so within my soul

Even within insainty

Stand here in the Abyss
Holding into the blade that holds onto my heart so strongly
Unable to Cope for these rapid emotions that run through me in this insanity
Perhaps only time will tell if we wait for fate to overcome this
Because God doesn't give anything we cannot handle and there is cure for everything
Just because we haven't found it just doesn't mean its not there
God willing
I will show you all the badges on my arm like I'm not afraid to confess that I'm here and I'm free to be me even in this insanity
It ruptures my heart
Up in the sky so high i shine brightly on cloud nine
In this cloud its like heaven its nearly here
I fall down the stairs
No place for someone so tarnished as me

The blade that holds me tightly next to me
I hold tightly under my pillow
Only to hold to my wrist
I hold to my skin I want nothing but too devastate myself

Bring me closer bring it closer to the heart
I confess within my will
It doesn't change anything  used to help  but not it causes more tarnished more worthlessness and loneliness

I can be surrounded by everyone i know and be by everyone but that doesn't change that i Hate my self so harshly and love my self so lightly

I confess its hard to just BE

Help me in this insanity
So i call upon you oh God almighty
Save me from myself
Guide me to the narrowest straightest path
For the open door is wide and bountiful

We must strive in this life so we can overcome the challenges that we face
As the fate goes on till the end of our time
Until we are resurrected to meet our Lord to know our outcome in this eternal life of ours

I dropped my noose into the abyss
Climbing the stairs its not to far
Stairway to heaven well i go to the light or reside in this reality to keep on striving to keep on living to keep on being

I leave you with this
Oh Allah grant me serenity within my heart I confess that you the only one for me
In this insanity to bring on in Clarity on the path to Serenity So i confess once again you are the only God worthy to worshipped by me
I will worship even within this insanity
Ameen

Time will tell

Millions of emotions run through me
Like the current of life source
I ran so far
For so long
Only to find you again
I could only deny for so long
Before I confessed
To you alone
Then to another
Soon time will tell
If I bask in everlasting Noor
Aquire I'll
Apply it
To mold the outcome
To positively potential
To please you Allah
Nothing else matters