Sriving for uncertainty

Creating chaos at The rim

Unable to comprehend what worthwhile hope is

Am I valuable?

For I feel worthless

Stuck in the abyss

Wanting to dismiss

Despair reading its spear

To pierce the heart ever so

To devastate

To create chaos

Calculated chaos at the brim

Bursting at the seams not knowing what to do

I Fall to my knees calling to my Lord

Reckoning that the light will save me

Perhaps this is right indeed

The Noor is here

To follow the light

To know the light

To want the light

Wanting to strive on in this world of despair

Anxiety to the max, an old familiar feeling

Uncertainty that I will win

I strive on always

Stronger at every moment

Around the bend I go running from the darkness

Hoping for light to come

Finding that with my Lord indeed

For he is the light that I seek

Allah The Almighty

Blessed Be

From you to me

To bring serenity

To want happiness

To bring the peace

Stopping destruction

Wanting more

Striving on

Will this be it?

Here I am

Walking my path of destruction

But always striving for the Noor

Upon tomorrow to come

Rise each day blessing thy Lord

Bismillah to start

Alhamdulillah to end

What must I comprehend?

That be hope

Hoping for today 

So tomorrow doesn't fade

The haze is here

I am but lost, not no more

For the light shines on

Shining through the mist

Of my heart and soul

Shall I dismiss?

Perhaps time will tell

What the heart seeks

For the light is near and dear

For the darkness is familiar

So seek the light for you will find hope there in 

For Chelsea

As the time

Bears witness

To a date

To ponder upon Time

To wander into the Galaxy skies

Devastation in the mind

Hopelessness narrows here

Here there everywhere

Upon this time

I hear a call

The Angels sing

Wanting nothing but peace

Peace of mind piece of soul

Pondering what will come in this night to be

Wondering what is wondrous indeed

To not give in to the darkness

To fight that darkness

To give yourself hope

For the light is knocking on your soul

Screaming to let it in

Will you open the door for it

Perhaps peace will find you then

breaking

Shift in the heart

Upon and down

Beyond thee breach

Filled to the brim

Unstoppable to escape

Determined to fight Insanity

But it bleeds, so suddenly the for is Crimson

Light from within

Wanting nothing but to strive

As I die with the inside

Just wanting to end it all

I Bend

Thy heart

Afraid of what's next

They hate me so

I am alone

Wanting nothing more

Acceptance from the diversity

Society as it screams

Shall this be, what's destined?

I plea and plea with something indeed

I'm lost Beyond the breaking point

Here again

Restless

Wanting nothing more to end it all

To rip taste and savour

This is Insanity

Will this free me

Nothing but whispers for me to As those patterns

Shift turns reflects so

My heart is yearning

Let it be

That power over me

Am I free?

Where

 So where, somewhere

Floating along a uncertain path

Where to go, do you know?

Seeking the deeds, but crumbling inside

The soul is deemed, and the patience is running out

Dare I say I am no longer hoping

Some say do there

Others say do that

Don't you understand

This is life, soon to run out of medication

Not because I am bad,  because I'm superwomen healing so great

To devolop keloid scars

You know what, the art and ink upon my flesh

Is not vanity, I am covering the darkness

I don't self harm through ink

There thats said, another to spend

Upon this destiniy, do I do breath, not striving

Never hoping, I fear the most of those i love I would hurt

Its twists and turns with carnage there

Get ready for the insanity the chaos to be

Can I do what I want, thats strive for Allah

So much holds me back

Bitterness with life and qadar

What help me, Slipping into the old ways

Who cares?

Not me

Others do, but I can no longer hope

Breaking not rebuilding

When will this end, what will be?

When we are here

Sometimes we find ourselves
Lost
Consumed with all emotion
We find that our worries
Are overbearing
Some find our plates so full

We can barely move from each burden
As it twisted our will
We are broken
Is it Beyond repair?
Unable to cope

Do we resort to our desires
To taste Bliss
But a second
Can turn to a eternity
Of hopelessness

What must we do?
When we have lost ourselves

Write my heart out
I am me
To cut is my serenity
Is this wrong?
It seems so right
As the Crimson Bliss is to dismiss

Here we are
Done
Lost
Found
Here
There

Until the day ends
We are here
But when the new sunrise
Is here
Do we wander?

We may seem lost

But United we are
Even when all chaos
Is near
A helping hand
Will be there

To not care

Panic has set in
Some sort of mania
Is that what's to be
Just a hollow shell
Coping to the max
Written here and there
I am me
Stuck Beyond the Bliss
Unable to suffer
To ready the blade
To scream
WHY!
Must it go this way
Have I don't harmed myself enough
That the flame burns bright
To touch the skin
To feel
A controlled substance
To mend
Beyond what meant to be
I scream
Stuck in the abyss
I'm suffocating
To the max
Watch me die
During this dire time
Do I care
So let's prepare
To Care

Lost always

I feel this in my heart as well as thy mind
Twist and turn
Whispers emerging from the heart
Until I'm here
#34
Stuck to consume
What drifts
In my heart
Turns to the mind
The darkness
The emptiness
Sanity far from here
I sit here
Pondering upon time
What's left for me?
To consume
A desire to control
To cut that flesh
To rip and turn
To take the flame to the skin
I don't deserve anything
I'm left crying
Holding it all in
And now it rips and burns
As every emotion turns to a wreck
Where am I?
Left in this place
To ponder until
I am sane
I'm stuck in the insanity
My mind is a wreck
My heart has sunken
In the emotions
I'm drowning
Whispers
They snicker
They tarnish the soul
I'm left here pondering
What will my outcome be
Will the 34 help
Uncertain is this
Here once again
What's a safety net
I'm lost
In the abyss of thy mind
What shall I do
To cope with the blade
To burn with the flame
It's my sanity
I'm left
In the abyss
Do I miss what is right
Am I wrongful?

In my deeds

Losing but wanting to live

Darkness has clouded my heart
Unable to cope
The rage goes on
What is the point?
What is wrong?
Am I in the right
In this night
Is it worth it
Are they right?
Can no one accept me
Tick tock tick tock
The hourglass of Life goes on
As the sand turns the tide
I'm lost within the rage
And with that the tears burn me ever so
And the voices burden me evermore
I'm downright gone
Into the abyss of darkness
Truly this night is not the night
Not tonight for light
Will darkness conquer my soul
Shroud the darkness Within
Give in they say
Am I worthless?
Shall I do the deed?
Within this insanity
I'm lost within the abyss of the mist
To fight the darkness or to conquer the heart
What is right?
In this night
Knock knock on hearts door
Blow the candle out
The darkness shrouding the light
Unable to cope
I write
I want the blade
I want the flame
I want deaths door
What is the point of no one can accept me for me
I'm within this insanity
Chaos is here
For this time in the abyss
Shall I set the list
Within the mist
Take the pill
To be calm and chill
To recognize
What is wrong
What is correct
To cope
To hope
To win the war

done

Nearly gone
At a life source
Will he help
Will he dismiss
will he conquer
will he win
unable to know
I wait and wait
until the end
nearly there
almost gone

Almost Gone

It builds up
So much
I'm about to explode
Take the blade to my skin
Cut the life line
I'm  near the end
Unable to comprehend
what is in the right
Am I wrong?
Am I near the right?
Shall I fight?
I'm defeated
I cope
but its no longer manageable
I burn
To turn the tide
As it moves
inside and out
until the night is here
I'm nearly gone
nearly dead
is this truth
am I right?
Perhaps not tonight
perhaps another night
be prepared for a fight
for there will be a fright
in the night
until there is nothing left
I'm on my way
to the end
What is the point
The insanity overbears
nothing helps
I'm lost
I'm gone
I'm dead
I'm free
Finally...

Crumble

Who are we
But stuck in this insanity
I bear witness
That I am no longer me
I no control over the emotions
They burden me so
As each tear drop burns my skin gently so
I'm left bearing my heart my sleeve
within the insanity
Time unfold into the abyss
unable to cope
I turn to the flame
Unable to reach
I'm here lost in the abyss that's falling in the mist
Each word that hits me
Tarnishes me so
I'm far from me
I'm someone else
I need to be free
Its my destiny
But I'm lost
Not yet gone
Still here
Crying begging for it to stop
To Halt
But as the mins turn to hours
its nearly 2pm
and i just want to end
they end
the absolute truth
but something keeps me
at bay
Its the heart that burns ever so
Light has not dimmed
because I'm still here
within the cycle of chaos
wanting out
rapping on the door
screaming letting me
Let me out of the abyss
Until another day
within the insanity
must I say
beyond the flame
Beyond the blade
Within the insanity
that brings harmony
for but a moment
then the despair conquers the heart
until nothingness
is there
I'm lost
not yet dead
Trying to survive
as I Crumble...

Beyond this abyss

Hopelessness lingers
Until the abyss
Is beyond the brim
Beyond repair
I stare
I'm there
Here to stay
As each dream turns from wonder to reality
I'm left pondering
With such fate
Will be able to bring the patterns of chaos to a halt
Until the times folds
I'm left pondering into the nights darkness
as insomnia burdens me
1am 2am 5am
I'm still here
Laying in my bed
Wandering into thy mind
upon time
I don't like these feelings
I'm barely me
stuck in this insanity
I ponder into the abyss
not loosing sight
for what right
Light
Hope
Peace
Serenity
this is for me
within my destiny
one can hope so anyways
until again

Unknown for emotion

It hurts so much I don't know what to do
Unable to cope I don't know what to do
Unable to reach out because it feels like it's devastating so
Here I am standing at the edge of the ledge
On edgewalker so to say
My community hates me so as they devastate me with their words
I hate being looked at as an object
Just a sexual item for someone else

I'm so much more than that I'm a person
A personality a spirit
Why must you forsaken my soul with your tyranny
Why must I go on remembering such painful events
The pain hurts so much
Unable to cope
I want to resort to the old ways
I want to live for tomorrow
I want to cut every emotion out of my soul
The Scars Burn me so
why would I want to damage myself more when I have nerve damage in both arms
Comfort is hard to come by these days
I'll be happy one moment and then the next up fall down to my knees and scream in the insanity
Only time will tell if it will get better
Life seems so hopeless at the moment
I feel worthless
I'm lonely even when surrounded by company
I'm lonely in a crowd of screaming people
I scream as though no one can hear me the world is deaf to me
Why must the pain hurt more then the need for serenity
I want to drink away my worries but alcohol is a depressant and doesn't do any good
I want to slice and dice until there's nothing left but that doesn't help and never have and never will
People say why the negative thinking I don't know how to think any other way at the moment
I don't choose the years emotions as they run rapidly through me
I'm lost in the insanity
So I write in the right my heart out indeed
Maybe this will bring more clarity to the heart
Maybe it's better to keep your faith in God
And do supplication
Prayers needed
Save Me From Myself oh Lord Almighty
For I'm my worst enemy
No one can harm me as I already have harmed myself in this insanity
1 * 2 * 3 for more
Only time will tell as the hour clock ticks and tocks
Save Me From Myself I scream inside my heart
Only to be silented by the emotions
I'm lost it not worth to be found
Reach out they say
What's the point when someone doesn't understand
When you explain your depression your despair your aniexty
often do I hear the reply I don't know how to say to you how to cope with your emotion
so I'm left in this Insanity doing the same thing over and over again and wanting different results insane in the membrane indeed
Time goes by so slowly
as 1 hour goes it feels like 5 million years go by
I'm lost not yet dead not ready to live

Giving up

This Darkness is here
It crumbles my heart
Unable to cope
I resort to the old ways
Everyone leaves
No time for me
They grow tired of me
They are right
I grow tired of me too
I'm not meant to go on
What is the point
If all I feel is hate
Destruction of my heart
Those whispers grow stronger
Time turns slowly
The hour clock moves back
I'm left to conquer
Unable too
Why must I go on
I don't love myself anymore
No one loves me