Confliction of the heart

Where do I go from here
I sit upon the screen
Pondering what will become of me
So I write and write to you thy Lord
Will you guide me from the darkness
I'm trying hard to not give me to it
Cutting is the major diaster of my life
Smoking that good ole herb
Is past time to me
I struggle with my addiction to both
So I write to you
What will become of me
If I open my heart to you
Put my soul to you
Making it lighter
But conflict arises
Confliction in the heart
You made me this way
Gay as I can be
Proud of who I am
Even with the badges on my arms
Heart on my sleeve
People love to take advantage of my good heart
And I let that happen within my insanity
Lord aid me in this fight
Please
I beg you
Let me be ruler of my insanity
That turns to clarity
Heart that high up to cloud nine
With out the high of drugs
Without a cut to my soft skin
Lord let this prayer
Dare to inspire
Anyone who suffers from above
In your name I pray
Amen

Goodnight

Clouded is thy mind
Unsure is outcome
Swallow the darkness or the light
Medication is a must
Swallowing the light
Take me away
Suffocation is in the nights air
I gasp
It's Nearly dusk
Am I suffocate in the light or the darkness

Why do I do this to myself

Light conquers darkness any day
But the light fades in the night
Stars shine bright
Will they shine upon me
Star shine I all you too guide me from night to Dawn let the mother sun shine bright
Taking away the darkness
Fight don't just fight but conquer
I'll admit
That Darkness dances upon my emotions as the sun sets
Please I been free me from depression
Medicate me if you must
Insomnia is not my friend
It kills me as the night goes on
Tick tock goes the clock
I tremble as I hide under my covers
Will the monster get me

I break as the night runs it's course

Insomnia kills

Why must I toss and turn as the demons run through my head
I'm scattered and scared

Running out of time the sun is Nearly in the nights sky
I'm running out time to kick the demons out my head and get a nights rest
Dear human
I'm dead not yet in the ground
Well this mental health ever be tamed
Illness runs it's course
Venom ruins through my veins
Even as I curse
Spitting blood out
As I cut slice the night away
Trying to get the venom out

Bones show their way

Cut with the knife
Burn away the night
It's time to swallow the darkness
It's won
I'm nearly dead
Time to bring life apart from this night
Goodnight human

Got life

Where am I
But on the path to serenity
If so why is the chaos in the heart Rock's my world
Chained down to this Earth
Unable to conquer the heart
No longer on cloud nine
Addiction runs through my veins
My mind can't expand
I'm stuck
Standing at the edge of reality
Wanting but a taste of insanity
But I got tempted by serenity
She bonds my heart
What to do from here
But to walk
Got to crawl before you can walk
Running and tripping trying to gain balance
My addiction runs ruin to my heart
It's like Poison
It runs a little bit of confusion
Irrational I am
Wanting to make the right choices
Shall I revert to the old ways
Picking up the blade
Severing my veins
Precious skin
So tarnished
Wear my badges on my arm
So you can see the real me
You can't hurt me
I beat you to it
This is the true addiction
Cut burn devour my soul
So called path of serenity
Please
Am I on the cycle of chaos
Wanting only to be
Imagining that serenity
Has penetrating my soul
Only too tricked by the old devil
He Snickers because I fell for it
Chaos is his
I beg God to save me from my insanity
Nothing left but to walk the Walk as I talk the talk
Here I am pouring spilling my blood
For nothing but temporary satisfaction
What is there left to do
Insane in the membrane
But at least I'm clean from some of the addiction
Clean as I can be
One day two day three four
Keep counting
I'm nearly dead
I saw the light
In my heart
Thump thump thump thump
Roll to the rhythm
Here I am
Perfect as I can be
Even with my insanity
Look to the bright side
God blesses me
Because I'm still here
And I'm clean
And free to be
Just be

Down right dead

I'm tired of being this​ way
sorrowful faces
In my glance
Nothing but the end seems to the answer
Burning in my spirit
Carved in my heart
Never to wilt

As I ponder
Wonder here and there
My mind is set
I want to die
Devastate me
Conquer the war
The battle goes on

They Snicker as they stare and stare

Cherished I am
Loved I am
But it does not stop me
As the dusk turns to Dawn
A new day arises

Here am I on my knees begging God to strike me down
Something to take away this pain

It's a pit in my stomach
It burns away slowly on my heart
Let my soul free
but I'm here
Safe as can be
Why don't I feel safe then
My mind is not safe
Time to mend it

Only as time tucked away will the hour turn to 1 2 3
Haha your no fun
Mind will play a ruckus
Only time will tell
Tomorrow is near
So beware
I'm never here
I'm lost
I'm down
I'm dead...

Currently me

Twist and Turn
inside my head
emotions run wild and ramped
once again on that railroad
I think I can I think I can
is different than I know I can
chew train on the cycle of chaos
round and round
here we go

cut rip burn
here I am
complete structured
even if I'm glitching
stutter in my speech
I don't give a fuck

Here I am bare to see
I beat my chest as though I'm unbreakable
only to find the beast inside me to devastate me
One two three four five
the count goes on and on until we reach an end
number 33
is for me
it completes me
Medication is for me
don't blame me
when I glitch
hop to the beat
let it roll to rhythm

Reminds me of the path of serenity
what will this sanity do for me
tempted to be sane
the norm
but in reality always showing those curves never on the narrow path
badges on my arms

I am strong can't you see
anything you through at me
cannot defeat me

Even that small voice inside of me defeats me

Wisps in the air

help save me
 rescue me
believe in me
complete me

snap out of the fantasy remember its cloud nine to the Devine

up up to the sky
high up
cloud 9
divine as it can be
it does not destroy me

away with the evil
away with the good
just start again

tick tock on the clock
the eternal clock
wind me watch me walk
seems to be the trend
of me

build build
create me
help me
save me
I cannot
devastate me
destroy me
kill me
bury me
reap me
judge me
burn me

K
Don't sweat
it's how the cookie crumbles

So for the day of today
smile
it's good for the soul
Don't worry
about me

I am free to be me
even it destroys me
so come at me

I ready and willing

I dare you...

Torch

Here again
In my solitude
Unknown can be the out come
The torch lights the paths
Bittersweet wounds tarnish the heart
Venom ruins to my brain
Infection injection to my heart
Get a jump start
Hip hop
To my feet
Empathetic to the max
Hyper motion to the motive
Pills be some sort of skill
You be playing with your skills
Not taking any meds
Railroad tracks to the end
No light
No second chances
Flare up to the sky
Be me on cloud nine
Devine to be
Devastate me Define me
Flare flare in the air
Suffocate to the max
Blood flame devastate me
Holed up in my insanity
My solitude defines me
In the institution you are defined you are labeled so
Jails institutions and death these are our stories
Caught in my addiction to happiness the Bliss that brings me to my knees
No God doesn't defy me God doesn't need me nor do I need God
Who cares
Don't judge me
Badges on my arms
Stare at me
Bring it

Flicker

Pain everlasting
I hurt on inside and outside
So much I must take the flame to the flesh
It's different
Something is wrong
As the flame from the lighter flickers against the skin
A small whimper well tremble from my lips
That old friend is here
Darkness emptiness depression
The Trinity works together
Causing you to be numb
Unsure what to do you resort to the old ways
Blade to skin letting the blood explode
Dripping down the skin into a pile on the hardwood floor
You know I know
That I should reach out
but I am engulfed in the trinity of disaster the cycle of chaos
chaos recklessness everything else
Which way is right
Hurting self to get better
Or to just being me
I chose me
Engulfed in Chaos
I small reap on another day
Back to the old ways
Cut devour burn
Find me in the number 34