Hope

Here am I
As I stand at the edge of spiritual path
Wanting nothing but inner peace
Rap rap rapping on the heart
I hear the hymns of the angels
As they gather to sing
How can I praise
I confess that the Lord king of Kings
Conquer my heart
Bare with me
I still feel lost
But Jesus holds me tight
For his love is enteral
Knock knock on heavens door
It's not yet time for me
It's time to put all my past good deeds in God's name
Will I wander again?
I hope not
For holding on to hope
Brings good cheer
So hold to your hope and bring good cheer
A smile is a kindness and a good deed
In Jesus name
Amen

Agony

Where to start
I am on the railroad to diaster
Clarity was sought
But not found only within death do we find true peace
To write love on my arms
I feel terrible
Even though I know it could be worse
Downright depressed
Where to go from here
High in the sky
I'm floating down the river of the galaxies
Tell me why
Must this agony in my heart make me tremble
Insanity in the menbrane
You think I'm joking when I say I'm not right
Please I know I am crazy
But moderated
Skills don't need no pills
But for sure they make me chill
Don't fret
It could be worse
It always could be worse
Sharps they call unto me
To use them
Within my insanity
Only time will tell
Till next time

Am I worthless

I don't know where to start
One two three four
Here we go
Once again one pill two three four
Down the throat they go
Why must I depends so much on this
Artificial happiness
But ever so it brings balance to me
I want to die
I don't know what's wrong with me
I scream inside my heart
As the tears begin to swell and ever will they flow
I have support
I have friends family counselors doctor's my yet I still feel ever so alone
I sit here upon the edge
Shall I just to my death
Shall I fall backwards
Only to dream upon the moon
I lay here in my bed
As insomnia ponders
I'm unbalanced
Emotions run rampant
Why
I ask
Are you inside my head
Whispers ever so
They seek the light within the mind
Clouded I am
As the voices consume my inner soul
Am I lost but not yet found
I feel calm but empty at the same time
Emptiness
I wish I never knew this
I wish I was dumb so I'd be down right dead
But here I am being
Within the chaos
Cycle of Chaos
It bends and twists inside my head
I'm warped
Beyond repair
I'm madd you see
Insane in the menbrane
Unable to comprehend
Shall jump to my death
Slice away night
So might find some inner peace
Unless my Hasty actions well lead to my eternal weakness
Emotions still run around my head
But as las the sun arises
Maybe today it will be a better day

The FoxyTrot

Well tired the old game and just surviving
Unable to cope I found my mind wander
into the night sky
I take a deep breath and just breath
will this help me in my insanity
Trying the web far and wide can I cope with what is next in the days to come
shall I revert back to the old ways
without the prescription 1 pill 2 pill 3 4 they never seem to end
pills be not the skill you need to seek out
Feel on those feeling and just feel
plain of sally here I am without flavor
bland for the time being
I wrapped my self up
like a present on tomorrow
am I ready to expand beyond my box
Try the foxtrot
as I expand
Watch me brightly
Am I shinning
for I am a Star child
For me high in the sky
My smile is far from me as I drown within my insanity
just live they say
cover my eyes
cover my ear and mouth
I'm deaf-blind dumb
unable to be

So where am I going
I on the railroad heading for disaster
Slamming the breaks but wanting to let go
So go girl go
don't look back to the pack
free to be me
even with my insanity

The path

Voices echo inside our hearts
To those we have lost
Within addiction that crushes those souls
Unable to grasp the light of recovery in time
Do we pray to our higher power
To have his ultimate Grace upon these lost ones
What do we do from here
But to ask God as we understand him
To heal our hearts and or spirits
For those we lost
We move forward
To carry the messages of recovery to other addicts
So we don't get lost in our own paths
Remember your not alone

Confliction of the heart

Where do I go from here
I sit upon the screen
Pondering what will become of me
So I write and write to you thy Lord
Will you guide me from the darkness
I'm trying hard to not give me to it
Cutting is the major diaster of my life
Smoking that good ole herb
Is past time to me
I struggle with my addiction to both
So I write to you
What will become of me
If I open my heart to you
Put my soul to you
Making it lighter
But conflict arises
Confliction in the heart
You made me this way
Gay as I can be
Proud of who I am
Even with the badges on my arms
Heart on my sleeve
People love to take advantage of my good heart
And I let that happen within my insanity
Lord aid me in this fight
Please
I beg you
Let me be ruler of my insanity
That turns to clarity
Heart that high up to cloud nine
With out the high of drugs
Without a cut to my soft skin
Lord let this prayer
Dare to inspire
Anyone who suffers from above
In your name I pray
Amen

Goodnight

Clouded is thy mind
Unsure is outcome
Swallow the darkness or the light
Medication is a must
Swallowing the light
Take me away
Suffocation is in the nights air
I gasp
It's Nearly dusk
Am I suffocate in the light or the darkness

Why do I do this to myself

Light conquers darkness any day
But the light fades in the night
Stars shine bright
Will they shine upon me
Star shine I all you too guide me from night to Dawn let the mother sun shine bright
Taking away the darkness
Fight don't just fight but conquer
I'll admit
That Darkness dances upon my emotions as the sun sets
Please I been free me from depression
Medicate me if you must
Insomnia is not my friend
It kills me as the night goes on
Tick tock goes the clock
I tremble as I hide under my covers
Will the monster get me

I break as the night runs it's course

Insomnia kills

Why must I toss and turn as the demons run through my head
I'm scattered and scared

Running out of time the sun is Nearly in the nights sky
I'm running out time to kick the demons out my head and get a nights rest
Dear human
I'm dead not yet in the ground
Well this mental health ever be tamed
Illness runs it's course
Venom ruins through my veins
Even as I curse
Spitting blood out
As I cut slice the night away
Trying to get the venom out

Bones show their way

Cut with the knife
Burn away the night
It's time to swallow the darkness
It's won
I'm nearly dead
Time to bring life apart from this night
Goodnight human

Got life

Where am I
But on the path to serenity
If so why is the chaos in the heart Rock's my world
Chained down to this Earth
Unable to conquer the heart
No longer on cloud nine
Addiction runs through my veins
My mind can't expand
I'm stuck
Standing at the edge of reality
Wanting but a taste of insanity
But I got tempted by serenity
She bonds my heart
What to do from here
But to walk
Got to crawl before you can walk
Running and tripping trying to gain balance
My addiction runs ruin to my heart
It's like Poison
It runs a little bit of confusion
Irrational I am
Wanting to make the right choices
Shall I revert to the old ways
Picking up the blade
Severing my veins
Precious skin
So tarnished
Wear my badges on my arm
So you can see the real me
You can't hurt me
I beat you to it
This is the true addiction
Cut burn devour my soul
So called path of serenity
Please
Am I on the cycle of chaos
Wanting only to be
Imagining that serenity
Has penetrating my soul
Only too tricked by the old devil
He Snickers because I fell for it
Chaos is his
I beg God to save me from my insanity
Nothing left but to walk the Walk as I talk the talk
Here I am pouring spilling my blood
For nothing but temporary satisfaction
What is there left to do
Insane in the membrane
But at least I'm clean from some of the addiction
Clean as I can be
One day two day three four
Keep counting
I'm nearly dead
I saw the light
In my heart
Thump thump thump thump
Roll to the rhythm
Here I am
Perfect as I can be
Even with my insanity
Look to the bright side
God blesses me
Because I'm still here
And I'm clean
And free to be
Just be

Down right dead

I'm tired of being this​ way
sorrowful faces
In my glance
Nothing but the end seems to the answer
Burning in my spirit
Carved in my heart
Never to wilt

As I ponder
Wonder here and there
My mind is set
I want to die
Devastate me
Conquer the war
The battle goes on

They Snicker as they stare and stare

Cherished I am
Loved I am
But it does not stop me
As the dusk turns to Dawn
A new day arises

Here am I on my knees begging God to strike me down
Something to take away this pain

It's a pit in my stomach
It burns away slowly on my heart
Let my soul free
but I'm here
Safe as can be
Why don't I feel safe then
My mind is not safe
Time to mend it

Only as time tucked away will the hour turn to 1 2 3
Haha your no fun
Mind will play a ruckus
Only time will tell
Tomorrow is near
So beware
I'm never here
I'm lost
I'm down
I'm dead...

Currently me

Twist and Turn
inside my head
emotions run wild and ramped
once again on that railroad
I think I can I think I can
is different than I know I can
chew train on the cycle of chaos
round and round
here we go

cut rip burn
here I am
complete structured
even if I'm glitching
stutter in my speech
I don't give a fuck

Here I am bare to see
I beat my chest as though I'm unbreakable
only to find the beast inside me to devastate me
One two three four five
the count goes on and on until we reach an end
number 33
is for me
it completes me
Medication is for me
don't blame me
when I glitch
hop to the beat
let it roll to rhythm

Reminds me of the path of serenity
what will this sanity do for me
tempted to be sane
the norm
but in reality always showing those curves never on the narrow path
badges on my arms

I am strong can't you see
anything you through at me
cannot defeat me

Even that small voice inside of me defeats me

Wisps in the air

help save me
 rescue me
believe in me
complete me

snap out of the fantasy remember its cloud nine to the Devine

up up to the sky
high up
cloud 9
divine as it can be
it does not destroy me

away with the evil
away with the good
just start again

tick tock on the clock
the eternal clock
wind me watch me walk
seems to be the trend
of me

build build
create me
help me
save me
I cannot
devastate me
destroy me
kill me
bury me
reap me
judge me
burn me

K
Don't sweat
it's how the cookie crumbles

So for the day of today
smile
it's good for the soul
Don't worry
about me

I am free to be me
even it destroys me
so come at me

I ready and willing

I dare you...

Torch

Here again
In my solitude
Unknown can be the out come
The torch lights the paths
Bittersweet wounds tarnish the heart
Venom ruins to my brain
Infection injection to my heart
Get a jump start
Hip hop
To my feet
Empathetic to the max
Hyper motion to the motive
Pills be some sort of skill
You be playing with your skills
Not taking any meds
Railroad tracks to the end
No light
No second chances
Flare up to the sky
Be me on cloud nine
Devine to be
Devastate me Define me
Flare flare in the air
Suffocate to the max
Blood flame devastate me
Holed up in my insanity
My solitude defines me
In the institution you are defined you are labeled so
Jails institutions and death these are our stories
Caught in my addiction to happiness the Bliss that brings me to my knees
No God doesn't defy me God doesn't need me nor do I need God
Who cares
Don't judge me
Badges on my arms
Stare at me
Bring it

Flicker

Pain everlasting
I hurt on inside and outside
So much I must take the flame to the flesh
It's different
Something is wrong
As the flame from the lighter flickers against the skin
A small whimper well tremble from my lips
That old friend is here
Darkness emptiness depression
The Trinity works together
Causing you to be numb
Unsure what to do you resort to the old ways
Blade to skin letting the blood explode
Dripping down the skin into a pile on the hardwood floor
You know I know
That I should reach out
but I am engulfed in the trinity of disaster the cycle of chaos
chaos recklessness everything else
Which way is right
Hurting self to get better
Or to just being me
I chose me
Engulfed in Chaos
I small reap on another day
Back to the old ways
Cut devour burn
Find me in the number 34

An Old Friend

I don't know where to start
Where is my sanity
I feel as though a familiar friend has sought me out
Who is this but one external linked to my insanity
They are one with me
Can be seen to an enemy
Shift turn take me as I change thought I'm still who I am
just not who I want to be
Shadow shakes my every being
Darkness shrouds my heart
I've taken the blade to self and I don't what people think
I want more
To escape the emptiness
The rapid emotions are at bay
just masks on my face
happy
sad
emotionless
two forms are what brings the emptiness
what the friend you never want to see
So I have started something I want in before because the blade was enough
Fire let it burn
twist and turn my friend
Destroy me
I don't care anymore
I'm not going to stop
blood drips down my soul
Free to be me even with my insanity
twist and turn inside my head
unable to conquer the darkness
Here I am bleeding
torn between life and death
The borderline rages on
Help me Save me ever with my insanity
embrace the darkness
I breathe in clouds of sorrow
Suffocate to the max
I don't know how to comprehend such a loss of sanity
I'm comfortable in the insanity of thy mind
So my old friend
Let us dance away the night
Dance within the day to come
Just Breath...

Sane far from me

I am high within the stoned sky
I feel those damn emotions move through me
Driving me to insanity
Rapid emotions defer me to use tools sharps within my mind within reality
The mind has deflated from the expansion
Twist turn many emotions rip into me
My flesh is a burden
I don't mean to be a burden
Though I feel I am becoming one
Help me I scream silently
Slice dice crystal clear skin
Causing nothing but destruction
Feeling as though you can't win
So I write
But cut burn consume devour me within
BPD why must you devastate my sanity
Hello I am me
Free to be me
Even with my insanity
I shall fight
Don't just fight
But conquer
Up in that sky emptiness defers me to rapidly destroy me
Free to be me
Don't hate me
Help me pity me kill me
Unknown for now
Knock knock on heaven's door
Failing humanity
I breath
To break me
Let's break them
Cut away the future
Let burn our bridges
Here I am
Standing alone but a metaphor for I'm surrounded yet loneliness happens to me
Fear of my insanity
I breath
Touch
Cut
Burn
Free to be me in my insanity