Shattered

I feel it
Inside my heart
This deep abyss
Of emotions
Run through me
Swallow the light
One pill two three four
Right now
Where am I?
But stuck in the quick sand
I'm melting in the Emotions
As they rip through me
Cut deep enough
Little one
Your afraid to feel
To let the emotions show
Why do the tears burn me so
They begin to swell
Is this hell?
Bring up the light
The whispers shake my every being
What the hell
Time for some cuts, some Burns, and bruises.
What will come of these
Nothing good
I know this
But I shake as every drop of treat shatter my soul
I fall into a million pieces
Humpty Dumpty got nothing on me
I'm shattered
I try to rebuild
But I'm broken
Beyond repaired
Sulk
Fall to my knees
I'm forsaken
Tarnished
Ready me up
No longer heaven bound
On a railroad to the end
Even though I'm here
I'm free
Write my heart out

Reminisce

They say
Fight the darkness
Reminisce in the light
Let it consume your heart and soul
Don't spend so much time in your mind alone
It's dangerous
The railroad never ends
In this cycle of chaos
I fight
But it gets tiresome doesn't it
No matter how hard I try
If I would die
Right here right now
Build me up
I'm better than the emptiness
It shakes my every being
Let's focus
Fight pass the freedom
Falling to my knees
Screaming to God
Why must I suffer?
What will happen?
When will I be free from this insanity?
Tick tock tick tock
Time moves slowly here
#36
Hear me cheer
Do a 360*
Down surely not dead
Up down up down
I'm on a free way
Running from everything
I want the light
But I'm here inside thy mind
It's dangerous
Caution at the door
He sneaks
He whispers
He laughs
That old devil
Cut away the pain
Break the pattern
I'm lost
I'm free from reality
Lost in an abyss
I want to reminisce in the golden light
Five minutes left
I'm near the end
Go through those Gates
Down the tunnel
Hell on Earth
Is the insanity inside my mind
I want to be gone
Hopefully my dreams well come true
Trigger me now
Let me break free
I should be able to choose
Life or death
Only time will tell
Suffocate
Break
Breath
Grounded
Mindfulness
All skills
Useless in the hour of now
Tick tock
It's time to hold that barrel to my temple
Until then

Half past four

It hurts me hard
In the endless night
Another night with insomnia
Tick tock tick tock
I last in bed with my eyes shut
Hoping my slumber captures my mind
Unfortunately
Darkness is here
Once I wake
The insanity arises
On the railroad to the end
Cut
Burn
Save me from the emotions
They are rapid
Unable to comprehend the self hate
I lay still
Waiting for my angels to save me
They never come
I'm left with internal Carnage
Tick tock tick is half past 4 am
My thoughts are rapid
I cannot stop this hate
Anger is my heart
And a new hurt comes
Punching
Bash
Shake
Break
Why must it be this way
I write and write
To fight the fight
I'm broken tonight
Must be
To be insane
They say reach out
I still feel like the burden
Perhaps
My feelings are what I truly am
Unable to cope
It's nearly 5 am
What will happen to me
In this chaos
Small whisps
Come to my heart
Are they part of me?
Will they conquer me?
Flick that Bic
The pain
Brings me back to reality
Unfortunately I'm left with destruction of the pillars
That save me
What the hell
Reach out
Breath deep
Suffocate
As you swallow the light
To break the night
It's nearly sunrise
Right
Until next time
Break the darkness
The emptiness
The chaos
I'm free to be me
Even within my insane membrane

The first wave

Where to go from here
Blast off into the sea of emotions
The waves move slowly but surely
Sadness
Had found me
I find it so tiresome
That I try to slumber away my pain
I slumber
Suffocate to the max
As I Choke on my words
Stressed to the max
Another wave hits
Anger
It's something I don't want to admit
It shakes me so
I feel my blood boil
As the blood pressure rises
What to do with the intensity
I clench my fists
Ready to strike
Until the next wave hits
Rage
I feel the tears run down my face
Ashamed so from them
Something that I don't want to admit
Something that reflects the soul
I don't want to feel this way
It's not me
Even within this insanity
Next wave
Shame
Self doubting thoughts
Small whispers in my heart
Sinking me to a deeper mood disorder
I finally understand why must I shatter my soul
My heart beats to the rythm
I'm drowning
These Emotions run rampid in my heart
Unable to cope
More and more waves hit me so
Sadness, rage, doubt, shame, hate.
Where to go
Run little girl run
Run little boy run
They Snicker
As the whispers...
Conquer me so
I take my head to the clouds and try to cope
But nothing send to help
1 2 3 4
Nothing will happen
As long as he plays
The good ole tune
There fiddle is ready
For that old devil
I'm ready to end it
But hope keeps me at Bay
Even within my rage
Within my insane membrane
Hope don't loose your grasp
For it could save a life or two

Never give up

You shook me
With your words
They hit my heart so
Unable to comprehend the pain
Unable to dig through the trench
I feel shattered
What the hell
I want to be complete
There seems to be missing pieces
I pounder into my spirit
What is reality
I am unable to search
It shakes my every being
So I cut
I burn
In this insanity
It's not the best way
Not a good way
I hurt those around me
Unable to cope
The Foundation is cracked
I don't want to self harm
At this moment in the ward
I feel safe
But a million Emotions run though me
Like a current
The river the river what to do
Jump and swim with the current
Or drown in the abyss of emotions
They rip through me
Leaving the emptiness to be dealt with
I'm left in the darkness
Alone
Unable to cope
But light comes on by
Because even in the darkest night
The stars shines bright
Glory Glory
Save me from the insanity
Insane in the membrane
Don't fret
Light is a knockin
Hope is near by
Ready my skills
I am me
Reach out
Express
Write your heart out
Never give up

Almost gone

Why must I suffer so
Feeling like these tears
That swell behind my eyes
Running down my cheeks
Streaming
Unable to control
Unable to cope
I feel the rage within my fists
Strike myself so
Rage fills my aniexty so
Fixated on the desires
Unable to give l control my emotions so
Unable to cope
Unable to breath
I'm stuck here
Within these walls my even though I want to take a trip down the river.
Not across the bridge
But down the stream
What the hell am I doing
What the hell
Glimmer within my sight
They bring a fright
What an I to do
Give in
Cope
Breath
Stay grounded
Unable to breath
I'm suffocating
I just want this pain to end
Until then I'm stuck on the railroad
To the end
Point the pistol to the temple
Explosion
Hit the floor
I'm gone
I'm dead
I'm finally free

Safety safety

I stare at myself
As the wheel turns
In the cycle of chaos
Cut me harshly
Burn me ever so
Safety safety I need to be
As I blink
Disaster floods the mind
I'm suffocating
Hold my breath
Deep breaths
I finally know
What causes me to enter chaos
It's I within my mind
I'm not safe
It's me inside my spirit my every being
Knowledge can be useless
If you don't know how to use what you have gained
I know I'm am chaos, irrational, insane.
But lastly I'm free to be me
The problem is clear
It's worth my mind
The solution is key
What is it
Where is it
Why must I been lost in the abyss
Star child
Distant star to the universe
Maybe I need to strive
Against my every being
I want to drive the needle to my skin
Be high in the sky
Up to cloud nine
I need to fight
Fight the good ole fight
So the war seems bearable
I want to die
Honestly at this moment in time
I'm blind and deaf
But surely not dumb
Do not take my for a shaman
Nor a role model
I'm broken
Waiting to be fixed
But I will not lose myself inside the cycle of chaos.
I'm worthwhile
I'm beautiful
I'm free to be me

For Elena

Friend where are you
I see that your hope withers so
I been tháere
Down but not dead
On a railroad to the end
Paradise not to far
, What to do now
I stare blankly at you
Holding you close
Your spirit is beautiful
Chaos clouds the mind from time to time
Remember
To reside in the light
To fight the darkness
It may seem like a dead end
But your heart is pure as it can be
Even within the Insanity
Fight hard in this battle
For the war goes on
I love you for now and every more
Your eyes stare inside my soul
Serenity is near
Just reach for it
Reach out
I am here
To comfort you

Monster within me

What the hell am I doing
I'm lost in the abyss
I must confess
That I'm stuck in the darkness
But perhaps I'm in the best place
Up down all around
What to do from here
I feel like my slate is blank
Only to fuck up my life more
As each hour goes on by
Time moves slowly
Rapid emotions on the track to destroy my heart and soul
Cut away the pain
I'm stuck in the abyss
The emptiness lurks here
As it consumes me
Is it my destiny
Perhaps not perhaps maybe so
The monster I am that I feel inside me
Cut deep into my skin
To release the demons
Every scar
Is a story to tell
What the hell am I doing
Not too tricky
Perhaps
I'm stuck on this cycle
Chaos is my domain
Am I supposed to choose
Chaos or Clarity
I'm done
I'm free
Even within my insanity
I want to feel the peace inside me
But instead I'm left
To devour the emotions
And be blank
One can only wish
Unfortunately
Rapid emotions
Depression
Darkness
Emptiness
Rule my fate
No long a blank slate
Darkness has settled
What hell
Let the monster loose
She is the beast
She claws me
Self reflection
I am me
Free to be
Even within my insanity

Surviving Time

This pain runs deep
Within my body and soul
It shakes my every being
Right down to the core
Where the light resides
Darkness comes from afar
Only to realize that darkness was always there
Lurking under the light
They cannot exist without one another
There comes a time
When the pain is so unreal
That I take that blade and cut
Now I'm here within these walls
Safety safety is here
I'm left to pounder in the solitude
Am I worth while?
Will things change?
Unable to reach out
I sink to a spiritual low
My mind is swollen with darkness
Shall I take my last breath
Surely this is currently the way
Without light darkness resides
And in that emotions roll on by
Emotional pain
Shakes my every being
As I pounder
What will change
I have changed but I still sink down
Only time now will tell
If I survive or die

Friends

Long ago there was us
Tarnished so
But then we met
Indeed it was meant to be
Tarnished indeed
My soul leads me
To the stars in the night sky
Your warm arms
Soothe me so
A hug for me
A hug to you
Serenity in your arms
As the heart and soul
Burns slowly so
I feel like I lost an eternity
To the sadness but when I met you
You saved me
Friends for life
Friends indeed
Bring the light to the soul
I will stand by you
During tarnished bring of heart and soul
Depression is here and near to us all
But with you my friends I am safe
From the darkness
Because your smile brings light
My arms around you
As you hold me tight
I surrender
With you
Serenity is near and dear
It's no longer a dream
But a reality

Frustration

Frustrated to the max
Why can't I take it
Unable to comprehend hope
On the brink of darkness
Will I take the plunge
I'm trying
If I wasn't
I'd take the blade and slice and dice
To the max
Infection in my skin
Let it run its course
I just want to end it all
But there is little light inside my mind
Deep breaths
In and out
Helps calm the mind
I don't know what to do
Shall I leap to my destiny
In this long battle
A decade has passed
Still no cure
I'm drowning in emotions
They conquer what is left of my heart
So retreat to my solitude
Depression is there
I don't care
Slumber away the day and night
Slumber the depression
So the light can come
Full force
What do while I wait
Take your medication
Even though it doesn't work fully
If it worked then I wouldn't be so tarnished
Railroad to destiny
I finally agree
Hope for today
Even when sanity is away
Insane for now in the cycle of chaos
I wished upon the stars
Will I live again
Or follow the darkness
Only time will tell

The Ward

On this road again
Where am I
But the Ward of 36
Ringing in my ears
Are the echoes of insanity
This place is for healing
Yet I feel so tarnished
I'm broken
Not rebuilding quite yet
Unable to comprehend
I'm still on the rail road heading to the end
The change in Ward is that
Unable to harm
Unable to purge
Unable to cope
What am I
But insane in the membrane
I just want to end it all
But the rules have been set
No self harm
No suicide
After all this unit is meant for us
The broken ones
Ready for recovery
One pill
Two pills
Three and four
Is this what life is about
Struggle to live
I just want to give in
To the desires
Unable to cope
I seclude my self to my room
Slumber comes
Zzzz
Dreams of Bliss
Only to wake in reality
Depression is a strong thing
I just don't have any more skills
And it seems the pills are useless
What to do now
Here I am
Hi I'm borderline
Hi I'm depressed
Hi I'm sorry for the guilt that opens my heart
To those I love, to love myself fully
That is the greater skill
Hi I'm me
Free to be
Even with my disabilities
What is next to do
As I scream
On the inside
As the beast creeps inside me
Ready set go
Time is up
I'm Knocking on heavens door
Help me save me
From this dark insanity
To the path of clarity

Half Way to Sanity

It's getting out of control
Cut into me
Until nothing is left
Misery is my company
I clearly do not care
As each cut brings desires to devour
But I don't
Because I'm half way to sanity
I'm on the road to chaos
The voices echo inside my head
One cut two cut the cut four
When will it stop
When will I love self for eternity
Hear me scream inside the insanity
I don't know what ruptures me
To cut so deeply
The blood swells and flows down my skin
Staining my snow White skin
One two three...
Four five six
Will it ever end
I hurt those so
The hearts that I care for
They care for me
But here I am in my insanity
Hear me
Echoes in the vast abyss
Crying in my heart
Everything brings sadnesses
But even with darkness there is light

Rationalize

Why must I control myself
Unable to rationalize in the moments
That reaches to the soul
Key to my heart
Hear my spirit roar
Unable to want self to recover
Complete defiance
Tears roll down my face
Burning my eyes
Why must it be this way
Yes I have tired
What would that be called
Distraction to justify
A release of issues
Do not grab a tissue
Maybe now that I've been thinking of suicide
Today anyways
Tonight now
Tomorrow
I know I'm worth it
Yet I try to rationalize
To feel
To bend my mind
Mindfulness to the max
Try some DBT they said
Bah whatever been there done that it helps for but seconds on the reel.
Try to cope...

Wrecking havoc

Reckless how can it be
As I stand in solitude
Desperate for each breath I take
I feel as though I may suffocate to the max
Unable to comprehend the hurt I have endured
Unable to flinch at the shining light
As the darkness overcomes the light
Bringeth emptiness within a blink of the eye
I know
That this is my insanity
I wait and wait for the course to change
But I'm rampid on destruction of the heart
Ready my battle scars to bleed
Within the every lasting darkness
Sweep me up
On a railroad to anxiety
My mood is so unstable I do not know what will come of my heart and soul
I wear my badges on my arms to sever my flow
Dare I say
Cycle of chaos
Dare me to live
To breath
To fight to be a champion
Not on this route
Emotional rollercoaster
I been called and sure feels like quite a ride
In every lasting hellfire of the heart
Hurt me so
No I hurt me so
So nothing can hurt me more than self
I can handle anything expect
Loneliness

Let me Be

Send me across the sky
Into the distant stars
I'm a comet ready to soar
dashing by the asteroid belt I am
I gasp as I dash through the distant stars
Wonder where to go from here
I'm running
On a railroad round and round I go
on this emotional roller coaster
its like I light up and the emotions run
From high up to cloud 9
So blissful I am
shooting through the stars
Trying to find serenity
in thy heart it is
But I carry my weapons were ever I go
Even if peace
I show no mercy
For you cannot harm me
I beat you to it
I harm myself
hence being a shooting star
Down I fall as the rollercoaster goes
infinity down below I am burning as I go
I have found my destiny
First
Love self
To love self
is like to love another
Down I go
into the ocean as I burn to a crisp
star I am
Shotting star comet to be in the stars
But I'm a fallen angel
I fell from cloud 9 like it was nothing
am I nothing?
I shine bright
As the night begins to shroud the sunlight
a star within the ocean
calling God
To save me
Deliver from evil
Most of all
the Evil within the hearts of humanity
let us rejoice in one another brethren
Fellowship is needed
into God is one
Will his hand cast down to me
Bringing me to my knees
to Save me up to bring me to my serenity
I plea and plea
for His mercy upon me
but one is needed
A saviour is needed
And truly he was sent
defying evil
Jesus Lord and Savior
The Messiah to us all
In his name we breath
Amen
surrendering is never easy
even within my insanity
I can grasp the light
And with that golden hope
His smile
his kindness
surrounds me
Look at the stars and think of me
Hi
I'm borderline
do not let the labels define me
I am free to be
just BE
and that will be my sanity