This will be Now

I stand falling to my knees
I as I prostrate to thee
Allah almighty
I must confess to you with my heart
this pain
this monster than lies deep within me
Is here with me even within the sanity that is with you
Something familiar arises in thy soul
dare i say who
He conquers me so
I seek refuge in you oh Allah
because remember dua is the best

He still lingers
Of my mind
unable to cope
So dare i say
I'm free to be me within this insanity

he snickers and suggests and demands
tears run rapid down my cheers my eyes water
no time for tears
I'm ashamed
I'm not worth it
I'm tarnished
beyond repair

Why even bother saving me

I confess though in my heart and soul
that your the only God for me
not him
not his suggestions are unjust
unlike you oh Allah
you are loving
Merciful
Forgiving
Just
Without you the world truly would be lost

I feel lost within emotions
my heart says Islam is the way but i still doubt self
how can one love self 100%
not attainable for me
not yet
never

Oh Allah
Save me from my self
purify my heart
bring the Rage to Bliss
unable to conquer the darkness
left to fight tis battle on wards
its truly my jihad my struggle the insanity
i don't think anything else but you will help
Even now I don't want to be
even in this sanity I drift
and doubt
so remember you always in dkhr
you are the only one worthy of worship
One God One Love One Life

I seek refuge in Allah From the accursed Satan
Ashadu la illah allah ashadu muhammedan rusuallah
Allahu akbar
With you
I Cannot this alone
so in remembrance to you only I will try and try again
and return to you always...

Time will tell

Millions of emotions run through me
Like the current of life source
I ran so far
For so long
Only to find you again
I could only deny for so long
Before I confessed
To you alone
Then to another
Soon time will tell
If I bask in everlasting Noor
Aquire I'll
Apply it
To mold the outcome
To positively potential
To please you Allah
Nothing else matters

Conflicted

Something formilar
Not like anything else
Thane in the membrane
Will I be able to over come it
Darkness is here
Light is Knocking at the souls door
The devil opens
Curses
Telling light to piss off
This is his soul
Tarnished
Defeated
Devistated
Unable to cope
I resort
To the blade and flame
The course is uncertain
Where will I be
Only one thing sought
Peace of mind

Lost in Ilm

A blast from the past
This feeling of hope
Prefer in the heart
Bringing clarity
My heart yearns for it
So many years
If trying to forget
Only to lighten the heart
As I recite
Not enough dedication to care
I'm not free
I'm not happy
I'm loved
But don't love myself
How is this possible
Only as my mind wanders do
Those Snickers come stronger
Whispers in the heart
Glimmers in the light of color
Destructive me
I know truth
I know haq
I know what resides in my heart
I'm wrapping my arms around me
As I fall to the ground forsaken me
Unable to comprehend
I'm lost but not yet dead
On the path to ilm
Always

Giving up

This Darkness is here
It crumbles my heart
Unable to cope
I resort to the old ways
Everyone leaves
No time for me
They grow tired of me
They are right
I grow tired of me too
I'm not meant to go on
What is the point
If all I feel is hate
Destruction of my heart
Those whispers grow stronger
Time turns slowly
The hour clock moves back
I'm left to conquer
Unable too
Why must I go on
I don't love myself anymore
No one loves me

Lost in a haze

Often do I find my mind set lost in emptiness
The vast majority of emotions
They are out of me
Left with the insanity
What to do
Left here left there
Left my badges
In reality people look at me
And judge me so
Slowly on that insanity
As each badge forms it's way
That deep pain
If set mind
I cannot comprehend
What is this?
Destroy me
Devastate me
Damage everything
I don't know what to do
As I'm running out of rope
Hanging a noose
As I stand
Pondering
Trying to fight
Don't just fight but conquer
I'm running out of skills
Rampet on the craze
Sanity far from me
In this haze
Dare to say
I'm here
I'm free
Left without regret
I'm done not yet dead

Another Battle Another Day

Tick tick tick
My heart rates up
Slice away the night
I slumber only to be awaken
By the fright of night
It's 1 am
I'm barely stable
I take anything that I need
To devastate me
Destroy me
Went should I protect me
When chaos is in the midst
The cycle goes on
I did this
Yes me
Insane in the membrane
Unable to cope
So I take my blade
And slice and dice
Why not follow the river
Let the flood Gates open
Why must I reach out
It's never good
It's never right
About the fight
To the death
To the endless darkness
Emptiness in near and dear
Shall I fight
To conquer the battle once more
In this endless war
The mind cannot bend
Unable to rationalize
Unable to cope
Here I am in my solitude
Ready to jump
To my death
My train is running out of tracks
Light is a knockin
Darkness meets light
And they cannot exist without another
Shall I see the light
Or be consumed in ever lasting darkness
So here I am standing
Ready to rumble
Fight the night
Fight the darkest day
Until those pills get the skills
Even running out of time
Tiresome it can be
Even within my insanity