Basking in the light

Here we go
On the path to Clarity
Oh lord almighty shine your light upon me
 I call upon you to show me the way
I know I'm not the best
not the greatest at this moment
but with your spirit and your light
I shall conquer all that hits me
no more cutting
no more strikes
no more burn

It will be hard to change
but with you
I shall pass this phases of self harm

I will not try
But do

I'm in this abyss
until your light shines upon me
up up we go in the end
past cloud 9
up to the golden gates
With the book of life
I shall redeem myself

The best of deeds are the smallest of deeds

I'm redeeming myself as we speak

I bask in your light Lord Christ Jesus Lord almighty Father and with that the holy ghost
shall bring spirit and grace
upon me
I am reborn
I am born again
for i was lost in the abyss

Oh Lord I call upon your life that you shed for us
To bring into clarity
and serenity
this is what is needed
to bask in light
warmth
and to battle the darkness
to conquer it
but without you I'm truly lost
to a plea with you stay close to me
in your name we  pray
Amen

Pleading

Where am I
I filled the folds of the Mist closing on me
I'm left here to wallow in my emotions
Unable to cope
I Fall to my knees pleading for God to save me
Instead I'm left with the shroud of emotion
But God works Within Me
every time I don't take the blade to my skin I overcome that devil that's deep inside my heart
Don't touch the flame to the skin
I want to fight but I feel that it's already conquered my heart
I don't know what to do anymore
I want to fight but I'm tired
I want to breathe deep breaths
But I'm suffocating choking on every emotion that runs through me
Rapid are these emotions
People think that I cut because I'm angry at myself
That's not the case it's because I feel rapid emotions and if I inflict pain then it's a controlled emotion
I have many badges on my arm
I wear my heart on my sleeve
This is my destiny
I don't know what to do
So I leave it in the hands of the Lord
And make Dua to him
Remember dua what is supplication to God
Prayer is giving light to God
He is the Conqueror
He is the champion
He is worthy of worship
And itself he is Lord
I prayed to thee
Even within this insanity
Shall I bring myself closer to God
First we need to throw away the blades
But I find myself holding on to them longer than I want too
Unable to shake these feelings I left in the abyss
What show comes of my soul my heart my every being
Mercy is needed
And with that you will find it with your lord Christ Jesus the one and only
So let's say
Jesus my Lord and Savior
Bring me closer to you and the father
Bless me with the Holy Spirit
Bring me closer to you and the spirit
Save me from the insanity
The anger is deep down inside
Unable to cope I cut
Please give me the strength to overcome this
maybe I'm just speaking to myself and not even a god
Bringing myself back to reality
In your name we pray
Amen

Fragile

Where am I
Lost within the abyss
knowing only what i think i want to know
doubting him
the everlasting soul

Standing here
I hang my head in sorrow
I clench my fists

Boom Pow Bang
Explosion happening now
My rage goes on
Making a fist
now knowing what to do with all this hate

So i devastate myself
Impacted to my skull
hoping it hits my soul my spirit
I dead inside
I lost in the mist
in this abyss

I strike once again
my fists are bloody
yet I go on and on again
one two three four five....
Thirteen
So many
be them cuts
Burns
Devouring
Striking

Its all self harm

Its not needed
As the badges on my arms help me recover so
Their reminders that no matter how much pain i feel
I'm tough
I'm strong
You going to hurt me
I beat you to it
1 2 3 4
slide across the scars
make more and more

Soon
Time will only tell

I am lost in this abyss
I feel this emotional pain
All the time
its behind every cheer smile chuckle

once again i wake up each time i loose reality

where am I
is cloud 9
do not deny me
cloud 9 ever lasting reality
Cloud 9 bring me close to you
in this reality

No its not real
its not right
its wrong but right

Why must i argue so within my soul

Coping

I'm falling into the abyss
Unable to cope, my faith withers
Beyond repair
I have forsaken my soul
Nothing is clear
I'm lost, I'm stuck, I'm the edge Walker
Shall I leap into the darkness

I don't know what to do, I'm bitter
Unable to share this love and Glory Of the God
He is lost within my mind,  me my myself
To rationalize this feelings
But instead
I ready the blade
As each tear drop turns to bloody mess

What will happen next
Shall I sit here pounding till the end
By then
It we'll be to late
Have mercy on me, I Reckon
I'm right, In this light
Shall it reside in my heart
But not break the boundaries in my mind

As I sit at the edge of the Abyss
I Ponder and wander and wonder
What will overcome this Darkness within thy heart
What will overcome the darkness that overcomes the bitterness
And with the bitterness comes the doubts

So I'm left here pondering wondering wandering
Shall I stand and take a leap, shall I sit back and Ponder
Only time will tell

Everlasting tug-o'-war

Rip and burn I'm in this Everlasting tug of war
Does anyone care that I scream on the inside
You criticize me as though I am no one
And no one has a seem to be
I am limitless in my desire
Unable to rationalize
Letting the irritability rise
Having Havoc conquer the heart
What shall I do now
I just want to go across the river
The burn the flesh so slightly so
These are the old ways
I scream in my heart is so no one listens
Boy am I wrong
There is but one that listens
That is he the most high that is God may you find him now
I am told that I need to speak to God more often
I only speak to God when I'm forsaking myself
I'm lost in the abyss barely reaching the surface for air
Tarnished in my soul
Many scars burden my body
Round up those badges on my arms
unable to face the persecution of those eyes that watch me
a friend said to me that I have to stop listening to those around me and start focusing on me and my serenity

hi my name is Lindsey hi my name is borderline hi my name's rage hi my name is depression

let those labels Roll On by they do not Define me and I know who I am deep inside
for I hope that my deed that I do for others inhumanity bring a Serenity to our hearts
I do good deeds regardless of the reward I do good deeds because it's the right thing to do
But I rather do a good deed to someone else then do a good deed to myself
So I'm left here in the abyss struggling for air unable to cope
depression is taking its toll and confliction of the Heart Is Here whatever shall I do

Only Time Will Tell
As  time is endless

Unknown for emotion

It hurts so much I don't know what to do
Unable to cope I don't know what to do
Unable to reach out because it feels like it's devastating so
Here I am standing at the edge of the ledge
On edgewalker so to say
My community hates me so as they devastate me with their words
I hate being looked at as an object
Just a sexual item for someone else

I'm so much more than that I'm a person
A personality a spirit
Why must you forsaken my soul with your tyranny
Why must I go on remembering such painful events
The pain hurts so much
Unable to cope
I want to resort to the old ways
I want to live for tomorrow
I want to cut every emotion out of my soul
The Scars Burn me so
why would I want to damage myself more when I have nerve damage in both arms
Comfort is hard to come by these days
I'll be happy one moment and then the next up fall down to my knees and scream in the insanity
Only time will tell if it will get better
Life seems so hopeless at the moment
I feel worthless
I'm lonely even when surrounded by company
I'm lonely in a crowd of screaming people
I scream as though no one can hear me the world is deaf to me
Why must the pain hurt more then the need for serenity
I want to drink away my worries but alcohol is a depressant and doesn't do any good
I want to slice and dice until there's nothing left but that doesn't help and never have and never will
People say why the negative thinking I don't know how to think any other way at the moment
I don't choose the years emotions as they run rapidly through me
I'm lost in the insanity
So I write in the right my heart out indeed
Maybe this will bring more clarity to the heart
Maybe it's better to keep your faith in God
And do supplication
Prayers needed
Save Me From Myself oh Lord Almighty
For I'm my worst enemy
No one can harm me as I already have harmed myself in this insanity
1 * 2 * 3 for more
Only time will tell as the hour clock ticks and tocks
Save Me From Myself I scream inside my heart
Only to be silented by the emotions
I'm lost it not worth to be found
Reach out they say
What's the point when someone doesn't understand
When you explain your depression your despair your aniexty
often do I hear the reply I don't know how to say to you how to cope with your emotion
so I'm left in this Insanity doing the same thing over and over again and wanting different results insane in the membrane indeed
Time goes by so slowly
as 1 hour goes it feels like 5 million years go by
I'm lost not yet dead not ready to live

Mockery

When has this become a mockery
One who goes through hardship
Is never a laughing matter
Just because my illness is off the mind
Doesn't mean you can devastate me
This just adds to the insanity
But no one can help me
I can only help myself with the techniques that defy me
We gain skills for a toolbox and we walk the path we are carpenter like the prophets before us
Even if this is metaphor
We reconstruct our minds but it doesn't change the fact that we still have it chemical imbalance
Allah put it here
It is part of my struggle
My jihad
But whatever doesn't hurt you can only make you stronger in the end
and with the strength We Gather inside us to help our fellow Humanity in the next step
But first we must put our faith in God so he would love us so so we could love ourself
to have a definition of love for self is that life inside of the heart
My illness of the Mind defies me so harshly
next time you open your mouth to speak use your mind have empathy for your fellow human being
Where all the creation of Our Lord Love Thy Neighbor
That's what I love myself
I have empathy for Grand than anything I've ever seen before me
I'm told when I'm in the facility that I have too much empathy for another patient
Does I be more empathy on self
My advice to you and anyone that dares to mock us again
To open your mind to think outside the box to try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes
just because my illness is invisible doesn't make it anything else than what it should be
So do your research before you open your mouth
Remember words are more harsh than you can believe
So Reach Out And Touch soul

Released desire

Here I am
Starting over again
And again
Struggling with the desire of the bottle
I get thirsty
I crave it
But my rational mind
Processes this logic
And I abstain

The drink of forbidden deeds
It suggests
It destroy your heart and soul
Bring you away from God
Stray from the path

Why must I stay in this insanity

Nearly six months of sobriety
Only to lose myself in the mania
Where desires rule my heart

I wish I never took that drink

I twist and turn
My mind is lost
Only time will tell
Am I worth it
Oh God I ask you
Save me from this sanity
Ameen

Another time another day
Remember easy does it
Love self love God let go

God grant me sanity in serenity
Let the knowledge grow into wisdom
So that we don't fear the Unknown
Courage is needed
Never give up
Keep on striving
One day at a time

Even within insainty

Stand here in the Abyss
Holding into the blade that holds onto my heart so strongly
Unable to Cope for these rapid emotions that run through me in this insanity
Perhaps only time will tell if we wait for fate to overcome this
Because God doesn't give anything we cannot handle and there is cure for everything
Just because we haven't found it just doesn't mean its not there
God willing
I will show you all the badges on my arm like I'm not afraid to confess that I'm here and I'm free to be me even in this insanity
It ruptures my heart
Up in the sky so high i shine brightly on cloud nine
In this cloud its like heaven its nearly here
I fall down the stairs
No place for someone so tarnished as me

The blade that holds me tightly next to me
I hold tightly under my pillow
Only to hold to my wrist
I hold to my skin I want nothing but too devastate myself

Bring me closer bring it closer to the heart
I confess within my will
It doesn't change anything  used to help  but not it causes more tarnished more worthlessness and loneliness

I can be surrounded by everyone i know and be by everyone but that doesn't change that i Hate my self so harshly and love my self so lightly

I confess its hard to just BE

Help me in this insanity
So i call upon you oh God almighty
Save me from myself
Guide me to the narrowest straightest path
For the open door is wide and bountiful

We must strive in this life so we can overcome the challenges that we face
As the fate goes on till the end of our time
Until we are resurrected to meet our Lord to know our outcome in this eternal life of ours

I dropped my noose into the abyss
Climbing the stairs its not to far
Stairway to heaven well i go to the light or reside in this reality to keep on striving to keep on living to keep on being

I leave you with this
Oh Allah grant me serenity within my heart I confess that you the only one for me
In this insanity to bring on in Clarity on the path to Serenity So i confess once again you are the only God worthy to worshipped by me
I will worship even within this insanity
Ameen

Clarity over comes Insanity

I'm falling
i don't want to be this way
why cannot not i strive for the good
instead i follow the deadly deeds
of the insanity

Oh Allah
I call upon you
to grant me serenity
clarity to the insanity

I fall to my knees
and call upon  you
for dua only to you
alhamduillah
for you Allah and the Noble Quran
Thank you for revealing it to Prophet Muhammad SAW
he was gentle and kind
the best of the best
Alhamduillah
he the seal of the prophets
who would be better than Muhammad SAW

La illah Allah
I love you of Allah
Even when i don't love my self
I feel your serenity
so i pray
to you only
your the only one who understands
Allahu Allim
Only God knows
what will come tomorrow
so live for today
and bring good cheer
the smallest of deeds are the best of deeds
Remember a smile is a kindness and good deed