Safety Net

Where am I?
I'm lost along this path
Faces follow me as I go
Unable to hear them scream as I pass by
Rapid waves of emotions are here
In the eye of the storm I sit and ponder
As the tears roll by my cheeks my heart is Bairin
Unable to love self
So take the blade to the skin
It's old dull blade
Hurts more than yesterday
Yesterday is but a memory
Distant in the sea of tears

I find myself not pleading to God but damning him instead

Perhaps this is what hopelessness is

Last night is the last night for me
I draw my last deep breaths today

Once again in the safety net of society
Sitting in the little white room
Dreaming of ending it all
Planning ways to get discharged
That's not the answer right now

If I am to return home at this state I'm surely I will draw my last breaths

I feel this emptiness grow inside me
It twists and turns
Growing larger and larger

I've said it once and many more after that

Fight the darkness
Don't just fight but conquer

I'm tired of fighting the good ole fight
Time to lay down and subdue
Never wanted to die
Just wanted to stop drifting away from the light
Hope is gone
Light is faded
And the darkness grows
His hunger suffocates me not me but everyone
I ponder and ponder only to have me wonder
Did the world need me?

Does my family want me?

Did society accept me?

Rip turn devour
Rip blade cut
Devour flesh devour mind
This is darkness
Here to stay
For now and evermore

So here I sit in the safety net
Ready to surrender to the blade
So I write this and I confess
That I'm not sane as the moments pass

Only time will tell...
Here to stay for a little while
Home I go for eternal depression

So I must confess
I'm not right
Not now
Not tomorrow

I know this is wrong thinking
So I tinker
At the heart
Help me be safe
Oh safety net

Path: Borderline

I am sorry it has to come to this
Where i feel ripped apart
at my faults
I don't mean to be so high maintenance

Some will mistake me from a Drama Queen
Scared of death of labels
often am I referred to Felicia
"Goodbye Felicia "
Cruel words from the kettle

What's different for me
I can actually grasp some sort of reality
I understand it
It's often mistaken for sociopath behavior
on the path to serenity, i think not but on the path to some sort border
perhaps might as well name it Borderline paths for me

Don't be so hard to judge me so fast
do you understand the path is intertwined with
those eyes staring at me, millions upon millions of glimmering faces
never to conquer them but run to PRN
Self-esteem breakdown
I'm on railroad to fear
the worse anxiety I have felt

Just thinking about the Glimmer brings them scratching the surface and molded into vision

Tears roll upon my face
so much more
these as I'm raw
sensitive
a sponge waiting to suck up all the  emotions
unable to express normally
personally, i try to recover
be mindful of my emotions
be present in this moment

Another aspect of the path unwinding behind me
is not of the borderline
I connect with my friends all to well
and I'm blinded by my LOVE for them
so much that sometimes they are hurting me on the inside
that i must turn the blade to my skin

Only the crimson blood flows will satisfy me
one two three keep on going until there is nothing much bone left
I feel tarnished as the scars run all over my body
the urge grows stronger by the days that go by

Some say Reach reach out to someone who loves you back
what if you feel like a burden
you are left with a plea to God and those pleas are as empty as the emptiness consumes you

I am fed up with letting the disorder walk and wreak havoc on my life
can't leave it behind trying to forget
But walk hand in hand with it
you are one with borderline
Admit it
own it
express it
live and die with it

again hi I'm Borderline
don't judge me
we are all different
yet the same
we all have skills to deal with it
if you think I'm trying to trick you and control you with my words
when I reach out
you don't know me very well
it's not my intention
I'm broken
but just a bit dented with duct tape holding me together

Soon to be shattered
if I let every other personality break me
I will not break
because you what
I'm worth it
and never alone
Hope for today so tomorrow doesn't fade away

Rays of sunshine

Regret sinks in
Only to feel express the happiness
For others around you need your happiness
I am a ray of sunshine
After all I an a star child
Ever burning for ever more
I emit joy life freedom
Dare to inspire
Dare to get creative
Inspiration to some sorts

Now back to regret
Sorrow was upon my expression the last of night
So what do I do
But drown in sorrow but that stopped I substituted
I taste a smooth rum like substance

I was before in a state of recover
I write a symbol well played the part of addict
Am I one
Aren't we all some sort of junkie
I know I am for emotions

They bubble and move through me
Such a horror at times
Can be absolute bliss
I am a star child
I emit my rays of sunshine
Making it brighter

Don't be fooled
The borderline is there
Don't let a disorder lead the way
Walk hand in hand with it
Be friends
But be in charge of your emotions
The good, bad, and ugly.
Don't let them affect you so
Manipulate you to twist and turn
Shaking my head

I found an out let
I found many coping skills
You may hear about them
Read about them

Write your heart out

Not to get side tracked
But back to regret
I regret that yesterday was not more joyful I may have started chaos or encouraged it
After all we be in the cycle of chaos but on our path to serenity.

So omit the happiness you want and perhaps you may receive it

Star child
Shine bright and everlasting
Don't let the borderline rule you remember hand in hand
Don't let it own you

Meaning

What does life mean to me?

I sit ponder wonder upon the ocean of emotions

Does it mean to feel every emotion run through you like the ice wind penetrating your body

I stand at the edge of the cliff and look down

Will i jump to my death

to end this agony...

Will an angel catch me

I pray falling to my knee's

Oh God

Is it waste to ply to you

Worship

Does this mean something to me

Faith I have it

But it withers goes up and down

Often with my sanity, do I find my emotions running rampant 

Stop catch my breath

was suppose to be writing about life

What does this life mean to me

I want to cause purpose

As i write each emotion down

Empathy is met to my pen

As long as someone reads my words and takes them to heart

I will be happy

As long as i live on with my writings in a heart to some lost one

Im not broken but rebuilding

I was broken

But now rebuilding

So my friend I say what is meaning

to me

its my happiness

and where do i find but in my travels, through the many smiles i meet to the sorrowful eyes from a child or man or women 

Maybe the lost hopeful eyes of stray in the pound

I will find it

meaning i think already have

I found in others

that i mean something to them

im wanted

im loved

and if i was to take the knife to the life line

I shall drown in my sorrows of my family and friends

So today i live

and tomorrow well hope for today so tomorrow dont fade away

Words

Where am I?
but on my star not too far from reality
will I lose myself
will I prove to myself
will believe in me
so many questions
so much self-doubt
ar the brim of the ocean
Tears keep on flowing
never stop
because if I did I would be broken

I'm not broken
no no no
not then
not now and not tomorrow
I am strong and free
people believe in me
they truly love me
so then why cannot love self
why must hate flow
are they the desires of the devil
he ha ha ha he
devil show us self as you snicker from the hearts of humans
Greed runs all wars
Lust run everyone to deviant ways

Deviant, I am
trying to be humble
but fuck that
I should be proud
if not for self but for those who admire me
yes believe not people admire
fucked up as it seems

some judge me by the badges on my arms
what they don't know
am I hate myself so
for taking that blade

tick tock reality is about to break the barrier

I'm falling down and ascending to my body finally 
heart soul and spirit are one
I stand at the edge
once again will an angel come to my aid
surely because those thoughts run throughout of my maze 
the labyrinth of thy mind
I'm all over the place
never at peace
wanting but two things for self in life 
being happiness and peace

Is this attainable?

perhaps
Hope is here so near and dear
Have some heart
Don't lose your grasp
Sanity depends on it

Set My Soul Free

watch me move to this music
roll on by as the emotions flow
up up to cloud nine
roll on by emotions ever flowing
where am i ?
am I lost?
no no not lost but on this beat
up up to reside in heaven
not yet dead
not yet alive
beating beating
hear the music
it makes me feel so nice
up up to cloud nine
where the emotions are at peace
I dance
moving to the beat

Friends are here
Connected we are
letting the music move within us
up up to the dance floor
I move with you
close i am
emotions flow
smile on this beat
im moving onwards
dare to inspire

flash flash
slide slide
keep on moving
letting the emotions flow
I am not on railroad to disaster
but on a train to the beat
strum goes the volin
hear the melody

stretch to the beat
im insane
take the meds
causing me to be at balance
not so on a railroad wreck

funk pop move
to the up up beat
i dont know where to go
so i keep on moving
as the emotions flow
running from them
but i hear the music and im at peace
to takes me away
from the hate
from the darkness
bring light and happiness
im happy and finally free to be me
watch me roll

on on on
on this beat
dance to the music

SET MY SOUL FREE

Do not Dismay

boring night but i do not dismay
as I ponder up to the sky does heaven reside
does the spirit reside it you be him a spirit of holiness
that calls upon you to do rightous and good
As i read the the word and the word knows me
I ponder day and night as the insomnia sinks in
sanity is but a glimpse in this reality
AS the Holy spirit this man these emotions work in me
I strive to live and live to be
strike me in thy heart and soul that i may not dismiss what is right
That God understand me and works in me to spread his word to those around me
As my deeds are good for the glory of God
I call upon the father to accept me for me
I open thy heart to my saviour and Lord as i understand him
To save me from myself for as i said it
am my worse enemy
as the worse enemy of me is the snickers of that old devil
he conseals the truth from me
but I am in thy Light of the Lord
For the Father the Son and the Holy Spirit are all in one
I understand only as the holy spirit shows their emotions to me
I feel his person move in me and with the living water finding life to me from the Lord
That Lord sent his Grace upon his when the Holy Spirit went into Mary and she Conceived Jesus
That he was fully man but not give up his divinity
Always having the spirit of the holiness within him
You must allow this holy spirit to work within you
pureifying you
He works in you
I will admit that i try to deny him the spirit as i dwell in sins
But let the spirit move into me and make me pure aloowing living water to give me life
As like i am in eden the garden trying from the stream that feed the tree of life
That i have everlasting life with the Lord and savior Jesus Christ
I do not deny no longer that I am christian
So work in me holy spirit
in me for now and ever more until i arise on the day of judgement before the father
SO hear the voice of the lord if you may as I did in my confession to my savior as i understood him
say i am full of sin if you may you do not know me as God does
I knowth the Lord God the Father Jesus the Son and the Holy Spirit
though this golden hope resides with me
Glory Glory do not dismay
Bless me from thy lord
in his name
Amen

Glimpse

Feeling low again the void of emptiness fill my heart at the moment as I want to take my blades from the forbidden place and destroy
Yet there is glimpse of hope as I reach out to others to the Lord
Still lost  be a wanderer
Shall I walk in the valley of lost souls or in the guided field of dreams
Only time will tell
Until then carry on wanderer

Emotions unbearable without God

Suffocation at the max
Don't know why I feel so isolated
I'm here at a place of worship
My Lord is the light that saves me yet tears penetrate my heart
Making in dark
Can I fight the darkness?
Or rather let in sink in to tarnish the heart

Seek refuge from satan to the Lord Jesus Christ
Don't fight but conquer
I had a glimpse of that golden hope
Now retreat to my solitude
Where the voices echo within thy mind
They are here to torment me
Take me away from thy Lord
What is left to do?

Not self harm
No never again
Maybe they are right
Maybe I'm worthless
But if that's the case why does God bless me
Making the path lighter brighter golden light hope

Tears are overflowing my eyes burn as each drop swells and drips down my face
Sorrow has been here today
Why must feel so sad
Why must I cry
Why oh Lord why went you save me from the worst from myself
I am my worse enemy

God gave me life and hope and fellowship but here sitting here at a peaceful place with friends of new source
I am learning gaining knowledge and new faith not only in self but in thy Lord and savior

Even when hopelessness seems to linger in my soul
Light came a knockin
Hold on to your hope for your sanity is near it
Don't lose self in your battle against the Snickers of that old devil
He wants you to lose he puts doubt in your heart
I don't have doubts in my faith just self that I cannot fight the darkness anymore

Shall I bunker down
Release the emotions
Let people see the real me
Or keep the walls up so the devil and even God stays at bay.
Don't I beg you
Let God in

Let that golden hope surround your soul spirit and heart
I seek refuge in God from the acursed Satan
Oh my Lord and saviour Jesus Christ
Save me
Save me from my self
For I am the worse for myself

Let us pray
Jesus I call upon you to bring that light hope to me
You died for me for us all
So then I will serve you
Only now do I hope to conquer the devil and I will
God willing
In Jesus name
Amen

Hope: golden light

I'm lost
Fear is in my grasp
My heart shakes from the aniexty
It hurts like a knife to the chest
My heart rate jumps and races to finish line
Feeling like I'm lost
Fear of being hurt
If not being accepted
From isolating the rainbow that I am
Will this be the case
Well I lose myself
Change
I used to fear it
But changing for betterment is good

I used to fear him
Oh what blessed community I have met
They opened not their arms but hearts
They like me have compassion
Who taught this a man no a son perhaps
He has a name don't be afraid to admit it

I accepted him in my heart
I say his name name often
I try to better myself for him to please him

Oh lord and savior
Jesus Christ
Lord you put me in the hospital room with my new found friend.
With my open-minded willingness, his kind heart that he learned
But from who you say but Lord Jesus Christ king of kings.
There was no judgment six days ago when I opened my mind to you thy Lord

Let us pray for one another that the ones who don't call to the king of kings Jesus Christ the father and the holy spirit. The golden trinity is calling for you lost one.

I was but lost but a loser
Now that I'm growing with God
Dare build my confidence and say winner.
I am in this light and glorious warm and everlasting
I'll hold my hand out to you my right hand holds to Jesus's hand
My grasp to him will hold me tight
My other hand I extend to my friends my family
I will help you the best way I can whenever possible
I will it but have purpose now
To show the world the love of the Lord
"For God loved the world, he sent his only begotten son."

Let us pray once again
Lord
I call upon you
To lift me up to cloud 9
Up to where heaven may reside
I don't need to cut to self harm to release anymore
For you where here for
Jesus Lord
Save me from myself
Bless those around me
Bless me
Keep me golden
Please
In your name
Amen

Hold onto your hope, perhaps it will transform into golden light of true hope.
I leave this with you
I'm getting better for the will of the glorious Lord and savior wants me to strive to live
So I will
Live
Hope for today so tomorrow a new day will remain...

Within solitude

Medication take it, swallow it until the darkness no longer breaches your heart.

Today I skipped doses, self sabotage to the max.
I cannot see myself living past the age of thirty one.
Turbulence and thy mind brings me to my solitude.
Where am I? but lost within my mind
Unable to comprehend hope at this moment.
A friend like me who this disorder, is isolating
Where another friend has guilt that doesn't belong with them
I am lost for words...

So I ponder if I wonder up up to the sky to cloud 9
Writing my feeling to Pen to paper but words that I type not on your writer but on the wire.
Society is a sell out
To technology giving ever whim to their desires
If I was to give in sure I would be dead
Not knocking on heaven's door
But deep down into the ground awaiting for the reaper to reap thy soul
For that devil conceals my soul
Unable to break free

I'm speechless as I tremble
I live for today so tomorrow doesn't fade
My emotions are unbalanced as my medication was needed
I'm on rail road to disaster
Up down all around
My eyes swell with tears unable to fill the void
Emptiness lingers...

Here I am
In my solitude
Unable to see the light for darkness has consumed
Am I as horrible as I think
Or am I just suffering from my misfortunes of my disorder
Unable to comprehend my hope at this time
I am not hopeless
Help self help other people
Be selfless and humble

Work towards getting better
Take the light and swallow it
Fight the darkness
Don't just fight but conquer.

Let hope consume self
So we can live for tomorrow so hope doesn't fade.
Just keep on breathing
Clean air
Breath just deep breaths

Don't give up
Don't worry
And don't forget to smile
It can go a long way
From the heart to the soul

striving to live

Striving to Live.

Live...

I want to

but at this point

my lifesource is at a strain

it pours out out of me

each tear repsents an emotion

a memory

soon forgotten by the flood of unsettled emotions

each tear drips down my cheeks

unable to resurface from this reality

I take with my hand a sharp

sliceing out the life source

uncontrolled i am

i suffer from my worst enemy that be myself

the disorder

its rules me

better not tell myself that owns me rights now

it does

for I let my desires take control of me

and with that one two three four five maybe it stopps there

numbers numbers run inside my head

quotes from sisters all around the world echo within my heart

why did God damn me so

questions arise As i ride in the ambulence to the hostipal

hoping i would aquire help there

what a fool was I

I can only help my self is allow my self to heal

healing takes time

But with the steps

1 2 3 here i come soon to come

nothing will stop me not even my desires

hopefully not even my slip ups will not be the end of me

why oh why

seven bowties in the arm

they mend me as i speak

out they go as time flows

seven more days out they go

Light wraap around me

Live for today so we dont fade away

we help eachother

please help me conquer myself my desires to harm myself

why oh why

knock knock devil at the door knock knock

will i answer it

catch my breath

Angel awaits for at the cliff to catch me before i slip

Sisters oh sisters

thank you for being there

dare to inspire

hope before my sanity is lost with hopelessness

up and down and all around

Unsure where I am
Emotions run through me like a river on the milky way
We are in the galaxy of emotions
ocean of stars
Up goes the sun the star that shines brightly
my emotions are intertwined with that light
Once upon a time up there star shineing sky
Emotions run like wild fire

Down down we go to reality
now down to earth i am grounded you would think
I just need to breath deep breathes
down are my emotions
up down and all around
a burst of rage conquers me in moments time
unable to control my hate my anger my rage
I fall to my knees
as i weep tears from my self
I dont want to be to unbalanced

Its been two months you would think the medication would still work
I was so hopeful
that this melody was right
why not just overcome the light and slice out hope
go ahead you have the means why dont you do

I breath
I see my breath within the cold morning air
life is to worth it
even if i slice out but seconds to be gone im wasteing my life
one is to many once you start to one its not enough
crismon blood holds me at bay

fuck this poem
why do i try so hard
i pick up the pieces
oh star child
gather strength from within
reach out
your worth it....

Sunrise emotions

As the sun rises
my emotions lift up with it
rise oh sun rise
lift me up to cloud 9
so serene it is up here
oh so high in the sky
I look down to my friends as their hearts reside in the sunshine

as the day passes i linger down from cloud 9 to much more level reality
uncertain am i where my feeling are
happiness at high noon
i smile its a kindness
one smile for me to smile for another for you
a good deed not to small for me
busy am i today as emotions are ever flowing
its mid afternoon and i am once unsettled
a small tear rolls down my cheeks
I brush it away quickly , hoping no one will notice
a part of me still thinks that crying is a culnerable shameful state to be in
I shake my head to get the guilt out
quickly emotions rush through as the wind picks up the Sun is high in the sky
the sun rays are shinning their light

Light cometh to me
its early evening now its almost dinner time and we all know what that means to me on the dot 6 o clock the emptiness will settle and truly then time will tell what will happen then
but
be strong
the sun still up these days level in the sky
Emotions are here never leaveing settled in the mind
emptiness lingers wanting darkness to tremble onto the heart trampling hope trample honesty trampleing courage
will I let that happen
I have
I wont Lie
I want at times to let the darkness in
I have it written on to "fight the darkness"
i meant it
Im a warrior
ready my armour you see it well their the scars on my body
my body use to covered head to toe but im healing inside and out
my barrier is strong its light
it surrounds me
never leaving me
even in the darkest hour it protects me from myself it gives me hope
"Hope hold onto it for sanity is near it"
Emotions hold me tight but the light holds tighter
my fellowship is you and you and you and myself
i would lost without hope
Hope comes from many things but mostly from thy mind and the compassion of humanity

I lay to rest my head tonight as the sunsets my emotions are settled and my eyes are tiresome of night keep me tight in my slumber
may i dream of the sun for she rises each day as i do tomorrow and so on
remember hope for today so tomorrow doesnt fade away

Running from them

Tears tears reinforced by fears
Fears fears unkind acts are molded
Tactics and skills
Reach out they say
Safe places be everywhere
Unsettled are the emotions unbalanced they seem
Why isn't the medication working why isn't it helping
Unknown is tomorrow our the next hour
Tick tock goes the hour clock
Hot on the wire
Cat got your tongue
Why not reach
So to say I have not met the man who reaps by souls each min
Soon this shall pass
Slumber awaits
If the voices and Snickers don't fetch your instability insanity tonight
Perhaps shadow laughs at you for putting them at bay
You can run but never can hide
Shadow knows all too well
Fight the darkness
Open to the light
Light in the heart
Run run far away
From the emotions from the fears from you
Your self me I myself and I unknown is tomorrow
Sleep tonight
Please try for self
Don't give in
Save your breath for tomorrow
Hope and faith for tonight will be rough
Tomorrow comes a new day
New emotions new events new fears
So catch your breath
And breath...

Glimmering Stare

you creep upon me
once upon a time there was time when i was free of you
yet here i am standing there
pondering wondering why oh why
am i left staring so blankly at the sky
I'm not staring at the blue sky but the glimmers of soft light as the sun reflects and shines
Glimmers here and there
What have I done to deserve such hateful stares as the glimmering faces stare upon me

There look there
whats upon this light but a glimmer i fall to my knees
shaking my head
as tears run down my face
I want to flee but everywhere i go they are glimmering there staring at me
even when i close my eyes there imagines haunt my mind
will this ever end
Glimmer on
Glimmering always as the light shines
Take the blade to the life source
Take control
NO
Stop
fight
Fight
You must take the blade cutting the ropes that is hanging you
as you gasp for breath you are freed
even with the glimmering faces staring upon thee do you recall
a time when you were free of such a stare
it was not long ago

Don't let the glimmering control your actions
don't let the fear rule over you
you are strong
Stronger than anything they throw at you
your crawling to the end to the light but be free
you are strong
good
Brave
free
Glimmering comes and goes remember they don't last forever
never give up
Keep on striving your worth it

Positive postition

Try they say
work hard they say
emotions are unsettling
am i at balance?
I'm trying to conquer them all
I'm trying to recall the good and bad
today did i recall both
hardship of the past
its been 22 years yet it hurts like its yesterday
will this pain ever stop
when will the grief be gone from my heart

now unsettled i am
emotions up down all around
cast me out into that ocean
be that pebble
causing ripples
be them good or bad

there is a time to be good
what is good
well i ought to say be positive to self and then to others
I love myself i like to think
I'm terrified of what i might become without love
Cutting out love
slicing out the light
feel that darkness consume
feel the hate take over

I don't know what to do
People hurt me so
but
I'm strong
I'm proud
in who I'm becoming
Hope wraps around me so
causing doubt to drop from me
causing hope light freedom to conquer my heart

what can i do but remember the good ole days
think of tomorrow
hope for today so tomorrow doesn't fade away
i wont give up
i know the darkness wants me to too
and shadow is there laughing at me
don't let the emotions rule you
don't let the disorder own you
Shadow is here to soothe you
but out some Rainbow of hope to save you from your self
Red
orange
yellow
green
blue
purple
don't forget these
they are written on your heart
write your heart out always
lest we never forget the past
but live for tomorrow
be happy
you deserve it
always

Write your heart out

Emotions flood my mind
unable to break free
its like im chained to hell
with burning lava at the base of me
im sinking in it
as i melt

I feel as though thats me
I disapppear into the nights sky
as a wisp
I strong
you need to change they say
I am changing
for the better
but im not changeing what you want me to change

Im still sick
i believe i will always be this way
as my emotions flood over me
i make rash choices
i result to blade to skin
swallowing the darkness
cutting slicing out the light

this is how i vent
I take pen to paper
and i write
is it not better to write than to cut

Life
live life
on lifes terms
cast the pebble across the ocean of emotions
dont drown in them
be afloat in your boat

I put up my walls my fuck you walls so to say
to protect myself
you hurt me so with that gaze
I have my badges on my arms
my home made scars
from my pain
from my terror
fighting the demons
locking myself up
locking my heart

what to do
knock knock
devil at the door
knock knock
slash i slit my throat
out goes the light
in goes the darkness
this but thoughts that tremble my mind
I shall be strong
Dont let the labels rule you
dont let the disorder own you

do i deserve to live
often goes through my mind
well
these days not so much
things are getting better
light is on myside
fuck you walls are breaking down
I can conquer anything
im not alone
im free
im me
im strong
I maybe Borderline
I maybe Depressed
maybe sick
maybe healed
maybe this or that
but im trying
i dont know why
but it gets better
its truly does

So follow me
past the ocean
past the deserst
to the meadow
with the flowers
the serenity
the road
to the heart
where balance is
so dont lose your hope
because i trust myself
even if im bad because i have my outlet always
pen to paper
write the emotions
write
write your heart out

Slice the night

Darkness it lingers causing uncertain emotions
Slice goes the knife
Out goes the light
Emptiness consumes
Light who needs it
Even with darkness there is light
Slice goes the knife out come crimson blood life line to sanity
I'm lost
Not nearly dead
Dreadful dank midnight
Emotions arise
Chaotic I seem
Extreme at one moment

Suddenly as your breath gasps for air
You I me
Realize serenity Is near
not to give up
Bring hope to the present
For the past can't hurt you
But sobriety tests me daily
artificial happiness Slays me

What well the outcome be ...
Only time will tell
But I know I'm strong I'm free I'm me
I'm not alone
I have hope
And happiness even with the emptiness

Catch my breath

What am I
I am free
no matter what you say
am i free?
am i tarnished
I think i am at sometimes
my innocence was stripped from me
but that's the way life is
live life on life's terms

STOP
BREATHE
Catch your breath before you suffocate
I know I'm dying as i gasp for each breath
I like to think I'm strong that I'm warrior
then why do the memories hurt me so
why is the past still valid

Maybe its meant to empower you
remember we live in today
We are the women of this world
sure
we are being beaten down by our brothers and dare i say even our sisters
where is the unity
where oh where do i go

Catch my breath before i march on
Warrior grab your spear before the hunt of life
Will i remember that I'm strong but limitless in numbers
I have my friends i have my family but most important i have myself
I know myself
I can only discover more and more
I know the bad
Im a monster at times

As i rip and tear the flesh of my body
scars and wounds
why must i refer to slef  as tarished just he the moster took away what was mine long ago
my innoccence does not mean im tarnished
does not mean m bad
why feel ashamed
why blame self
I guess because im irrational after thats me
Irrational me
be me
thats me
but sometimes its ok to be rational
and make healthy choices

pat you self on the back
your doing good
even though your taking steps back by picking at the skin
its not the same as slicing
slicing out the light
to let the darkness in
Remember to write Love on your arms
Right that darkness
Even withdarknes there is light
with darkness comeths thy light
into thy soul
until then my friend
breath
gasp

be me
Strong
Free
have Hope
for it binds your heart and soul with the future
let the past remain in the yesters of the day
the present as we walk forth
and tomorrow shall not fade for we have the hope of today

Chaos and Serenity

My life is is chaos
in the cycle as it round and round
unknown is the outcome is this circle
I wake as though nothing but unsettle of emotions are in my mind
my bones ache
something is missing
is it serenity?
Peace?
unbalanced I feel
unsettling this is
breath
close your eyes breath
I sleep my mind is chronic trembles even my dreams shake from the unbalanced of emotions
I dont know what to know what to do
I scream silently i cant breath
Take the medications they say
Go to treatment
Talk in therapy
be honest
Fuck
I've done all this
still nothing
im nothing
im not worth it
what will turn this around

Jump up and spin round n round
Time for change
But we need something to cling onto too
Be it your higher power
A structure of some sorts
Some sort of hope
Grab hold of something that means something to you be peace, hope, God, or humanity.
Something other than self because you cannot i know this find balance without some sort of balance from outside sources
Do you not read to seek knowledge to gain sources to build to add to your structure
To bring me kingdom come
My structure is what brings me to balance

So where are we now in the journey
we somewhat at balance
as we have the tools to weild the skills to our blue prints
for our structures for our kingdoms
in our hearts
to gain balance
Balance from the emotions
Because in the end
deep down its you and only you
me fucking me
so here i am feeling me and my emotions grabbing to my structures tog uide me to kingdom inside my heart
to gain passage to serenity
Without this peace we will surely be lost

Ripples...

Take me away from this reality now
I dont want to feel this way anymore
unable to control my emotions
letting the tears drip down

am i dreaming
im waiting as im tripping over these waves of emotions
over and over again
can i comprehend what i am facing
screaming inside myhead and outside in this reality

I want to shout and let it all out
but as i open my mouth nothing comes out
so here i am wirting out my deed
im in a safe place i made my home that way
but i cannot help but wannting cut my feelings out
i dont want this pain i dont face my rage
i want run run run away from my reality

there is no need to run
you are strong
rock be a rock causing ripples
helping others but you need help yourself first
maybe you should look to the tools like the pen to paper now
this only does so much
triggers be everywhere

Go ahead
Run
far away
Run
from reality
be lost....

Dont let these words affect you
infect you causeing infections in the blood
dont feel like you need to let the river run the course down the skin
thats not the right way
LIVE
please
live on
so others can aquire deeds from your deeds
for you are that rock causing ripples
Ripples...

Dare to conquer

off to galaxy of stars
i am limitless
my mind can expand
I spent my time pondering
for my time was tiresome for some time
on ponders of doom

no more
for i am free
the old patterns are gone from me
there is only good times ahead
limitless in the galaxy
the ocean of emotions is finally at balance
I wont lie
I still enternally feel the darkness
but my light is ever lasting
its not a flicker but shines brightly
AS my words bring others to dare to inspire

I am strong
I am worthwhile
I am free
I am am a light
aslways have been
even though darkness tried to consume my path
and emptiness consumed me
i tried to end it all
but
i did the right light steps
I made the path to enlightenment my path to serentity
so my friend
do not think light of the path ahead
the sea of tears
is over flowing but
do not fear
of drowning
you can be afloat of a boat
and have a paddle
you have the blueprints and your crew
craft your ark
Finally
I am free
from my fear of emotions and be at peace

So
Dare to inspire

Today FEb

sitting at home at the moment for a few more hours
as time flows by
i feel the demons creep inside my soul
my salavtion is gone from me
i was purified but i want to take that blade
and slice down the the life line
ive done distractions
im writing arent i
but as las im still at home i havent returned to the unit
perhaps ill go awol
im tired of this fight with self the fight against bored
ponders of doom
please save me
there is truth to what i write
im not delusional
im not in consant old pattern tripping up each time i write
this is an outlet
so dear human will you listen to me
breath with me
shall i return to the unit be
or cut the life line to my destininy
at least its safe on the unit
the stress is is killing me
im frustrated what im done to myself
i stare at my arms and scars stare back at me some have faded
and some still puffy formed like new
yet they be years old
my arms hurt
from the pinched nerves from cutting
i fucked up years ago
my heart hurt not not mentualls but physically
so i shall return
to the safe place
until i find serentiy and salavtion for my soul
even if i find my salavtion im still far from serenity for i still want to end it all
run away far away and be nothing
so will live another hour or day another day

Dear human

I'm Borderline
hard to explain
not really if talking to a educated person in the health of humanity

I have scars
you see them
they burn
hard to say if I'll ever stop that blade
slipping down the skin
across the bridge
down the river
it seems to never end

What to do with this internal pain its twists and turns
I have my supports
but they be not burdened by me
and woe beware

I am far from who i am
Am i?
or is that illusion bidded to me by fate
Fate is real
probably not
I believe i weld the blade from my own mind

I need help
Help me so

I scream
Silently as though I'm nothing on the inside

Why cannot i find innner peace
instead all this despair all this pain
tears roll down my skin
gently burning my eyes so
sorrow is here
unbearable

What to say he she them
on the first day of session

Hi I'm Borderline
let the labels flow

Hi I'm full of anxiety I'm depressed
Hi I'm labeled so

Remember don't let the labels rule you

But how am i suppose to them to understand me
do i really need to explain everything

I'm black no blue
blue Mondays Saturday through to Friday
fully whacked up

Care not for my spirit is low
I'm labeled so
I don't want them to rule me
to own me
But i got down and not right
Let the blade set me free
across the life line
as a cough blood from that bridge
never let me go

Never lose me
my supports i know its tiresome
year after years

I guess i should live and let go
I shouldn't burden my supports so
I need them to let me go
spread my wings wide like eagle fly superman fly

I'm an angel now
blood soaked clothes
I didn't do the deed
no more than the labels burden me
I'm soon to go
never letting it go

Please i beg you
never let me go
even if i push you so

I know its tiresome
but I'm worth it
I'm special
I'm super

Super dreadful at this moment in time
so shall i share this
what would that human think of this
Stable or not
sane or insane

never letting go
Ill hold on stubbornness
never letting go
even if you are ripped my supports from me

I'm here
I'm me
never fully leaving spirit in place
never letting go my soul will be here as long as you remember

Please don't forget me...
you need me...
I'm superman
not so super anymore

who would look to the skies at a coward unable to face tomorrow

but
remember me...
please...

Infections

Feel me, breath with me
I am superman
Rather super you cannot define me

Let your mind expand
past what we see
Past those words that define me

I am super
Watch me roll to rhythm
past here and done let those labels roll on by causing no doubt here

For when those labels expresses their puss filled wounds I'm am vulnerable

Don't test me
I'm Superman
Catch me by a millisecond
Don't let the infection run its course
Corrupt you
making you blue

Blue Monday's
They are upon us
Lets SCREAM
Ahhhhh
Mondays as just dreadful Wednesday's
but I'm Super
you cant stop me

I'm stronger than the labels they don't rule me
I'm stronger than anything you through at me
Because I have my supports

They help me rather rule over me
no oppression here
No more mistakes
no sins
I'm trying to be rational

Irrational people let the labels rule them
under oppressive states of their minds

Let your mind expand
I'm Superman
Cant you tell
I have the strength to over come all
No label rules me
I may be Super but I'm ME
ME
cant stop me
I'm stronger than oppression

Labels don't define me
Labels don't rule me
Lastly

I think of world without this oppression of labels
For we who suffer are Super
For we are who are
Don't let the oppressions of societies rule you

You are stronger than the label
Monday through Friday
Saturday Sunday
Holidays
365 days no lie
no labels for you and I

BE Super
be me
Don't let labels control you

You are strong
You are super
Free to be you
Without that puss filled labels

I'm superman no infection for me
Remember you are free to be you
Labels be everywhere
just don't them affect you

Spirit

Where am I
but a star bouncing across the ocean within the galaxy
I like to think I have some sort of fate
This star who I am soon shall form

I am Spirit first
I am the Warrior within you
I am your strength
I will protect you

Who am I but soul
Different but for millisecond
Soul is here to stay it will wither over time
only to make room for new souls

But when the Great spirit resides in your heart you feel the call for body mind soul and spirit

You never know when he will come for you
Choose your  path lightly
Do just acts
Don't let the anger control you
Don't let the Rage consume you

Joy will come to you as soon you has expressed her self and just like her sister sadness she will feel left out and just want to join in the fun and games

Do not worry sadness will give strength is dire time
in those times refer to your strengths
your heart
and Spirit
Your smile the great kindness

Don't be afraid of that monster inside us all
we will tame them him her them they have no gender just like spirit but they hurt me slowly you say

I know this
Look at me
I'm tarnished
scarred beyond repair on the inside and out

Stop the labels
Remember the light will shine bright
Beat your war drum
paint your face
Ready your spears

Its time
To tame the beast inside us all
Its our struggle
some will saw you will never win

But Fuck them
they don't know how strong you are
don't get me wrong
I don't know you

But i know spirit
I know the beast
I know this war far to well
for my scars show it
I may lose a battle one or two from time to time

That doesn't mean i lost the war

Beat that drum

Ready your spear

Ride that beast across the ocean of emotions
for we but pebbles that cause ripples

Be
just be
A ripple wanting nothing more but to strive

because you beyond all this pain and hurt
You were a victim
you were vulnerable

Survivor you are
Till you find you path
And when you harness you beast be that
and dance across the ocean

you will be ready to be that WARRIOR

Ready your spear
It keeps you balanced

Upon this war you now ready to reap the spirit realm of evil

For the great spirit that has seen your battles the fallen and the risen above all
he she them sees now
you are ready for the spiritual battle

Be that pebble
upon the ocean
cause ripples upon ripples
in our societies