Mockery

When has this become a mockery
One who goes through hardship
Is never a laughing matter
Just because my illness is off the mind
Doesn't mean you can devastate me
This just adds to the insanity
But no one can help me
I can only help myself with the techniques that defy me
We gain skills for a toolbox and we walk the path we are carpenter like the prophets before us
Even if this is metaphor
We reconstruct our minds but it doesn't change the fact that we still have it chemical imbalance
Allah put it here
It is part of my struggle
My jihad
But whatever doesn't hurt you can only make you stronger in the end
and with the strength We Gather inside us to help our fellow Humanity in the next step
But first we must put our faith in God so he would love us so so we could love ourself
to have a definition of love for self is that life inside of the heart
My illness of the Mind defies me so harshly
next time you open your mouth to speak use your mind have empathy for your fellow human being
Where all the creation of Our Lord Love Thy Neighbor
That's what I love myself
I have empathy for Grand than anything I've ever seen before me
I'm told when I'm in the facility that I have too much empathy for another patient
Does I be more empathy on self
My advice to you and anyone that dares to mock us again
To open your mind to think outside the box to try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes
just because my illness is invisible doesn't make it anything else than what it should be
So do your research before you open your mouth
Remember words are more harsh than you can believe
So Reach Out And Touch soul

Released desire

Here I am
Starting over again
And again
Struggling with the desire of the bottle
I get thirsty
I crave it
But my rational mind
Processes this logic
And I abstain

The drink of forbidden deeds
It suggests
It destroy your heart and soul
Bring you away from God
Stray from the path

Why must I stay in this insanity

Nearly six months of sobriety
Only to lose myself in the mania
Where desires rule my heart

I wish I never took that drink

I twist and turn
My mind is lost
Only time will tell
Am I worth it
Oh God I ask you
Save me from this sanity
Ameen

Another time another day
Remember easy does it
Love self love God let go

God grant me sanity in serenity
Let the knowledge grow into wisdom
So that we don't fear the Unknown
Courage is needed
Never give up
Keep on striving
One day at a time

Even within insainty

Stand here in the Abyss
Holding into the blade that holds onto my heart so strongly
Unable to Cope for these rapid emotions that run through me in this insanity
Perhaps only time will tell if we wait for fate to overcome this
Because God doesn't give anything we cannot handle and there is cure for everything
Just because we haven't found it just doesn't mean its not there
God willing
I will show you all the badges on my arm like I'm not afraid to confess that I'm here and I'm free to be me even in this insanity
It ruptures my heart
Up in the sky so high i shine brightly on cloud nine
In this cloud its like heaven its nearly here
I fall down the stairs
No place for someone so tarnished as me

The blade that holds me tightly next to me
I hold tightly under my pillow
Only to hold to my wrist
I hold to my skin I want nothing but too devastate myself

Bring me closer bring it closer to the heart
I confess within my will
It doesn't change anything  used to help  but not it causes more tarnished more worthlessness and loneliness

I can be surrounded by everyone i know and be by everyone but that doesn't change that i Hate my self so harshly and love my self so lightly

I confess its hard to just BE

Help me in this insanity
So i call upon you oh God almighty
Save me from myself
Guide me to the narrowest straightest path
For the open door is wide and bountiful

We must strive in this life so we can overcome the challenges that we face
As the fate goes on till the end of our time
Until we are resurrected to meet our Lord to know our outcome in this eternal life of ours

I dropped my noose into the abyss
Climbing the stairs its not to far
Stairway to heaven well i go to the light or reside in this reality to keep on striving to keep on living to keep on being

I leave you with this
Oh Allah grant me serenity within my heart I confess that you the only one for me
In this insanity to bring on in Clarity on the path to Serenity So i confess once again you are the only God worthy to worshipped by me
I will worship even within this insanity
Ameen

Clarity over comes Insanity

I'm falling
i don't want to be this way
why cannot not i strive for the good
instead i follow the deadly deeds
of the insanity

Oh Allah
I call upon you
to grant me serenity
clarity to the insanity

I fall to my knees
and call upon  you
for dua only to you
alhamduillah
for you Allah and the Noble Quran
Thank you for revealing it to Prophet Muhammad SAW
he was gentle and kind
the best of the best
Alhamduillah
he the seal of the prophets
who would be better than Muhammad SAW

La illah Allah
I love you of Allah
Even when i don't love my self
I feel your serenity
so i pray
to you only
your the only one who understands
Allahu Allim
Only God knows
what will come tomorrow
so live for today
and bring good cheer
the smallest of deeds are the best of deeds
Remember a smile is a kindness and good deed

Here come the GODHEAD

He slumbers within me
and he breaths with me
each breath i draw he is with me
i fall to my knees
screaming insanity
Hoping for no more
Unfortunate to carry the blade

Slice and dice
Heat up that the flame
burn that flesh
prepare for hellfire
the stairs go downwards

not for me
heaven knows I'm miserable now
unable to cope so i cut rip and burn
I reach out
I am destined for disaster
I'm a burden so
everyone grows tiresome of me
within this humanity

Why
must
I
Drown in emotions
They rip and tear through me

I'm done
I'm finished
ready the blade
I scrabble up the stairs
To the kitchen i go
Shall I do the dirty deed
and rid myself of the insanity

Hes awake now
and he whispers
and if i cover my ears he gets close
and screams inside my head
Is he the God for me

I want to stay on the path
of righteous
but here listening to the GODHEAD
i confess i never worshiped him
but he is not comforting
hes been here a long time
and nothing stops him
hes sleeping
one med two med three more
swallow the darkness
because the light burns you
tarnished i am

What will i confess to yet
do i believe
i do indeed
in the one God indeed
Allah the all merciful
Why must i suffer within the insanity
is it a jihad just for me
its destroying me
unable to cope
as the emotions run in and out
my sanity is near
within salah dua dkhr
but i did this once before its only temporary

Cut
Rip
Burn
repeat
Cut
Burn
Rip
one cut two cut three and four

More and more badges on my arms

what will i do
I'm so lost
even within your divinity

I'm forsaken
I'm beautiful
even in the burden of a mind

Hes close
i scream
but I'm silent
tied to the bricks
within my mind I'm stuck with him
unable to reach out
so i write
and write that heart out
bring peace to me
even within the insanity

This will be Now

I stand falling to my knees
I as I prostrate to thee
Allah almighty
I must confess to you with my heart
this pain
this monster than lies deep within me
Is here with me even within the sanity that is with you
Something familiar arises in thy soul
dare i say who
He conquers me so
I seek refuge in you oh Allah
because remember dua is the best

He still lingers
Of my mind
unable to cope
So dare i say
I'm free to be me within this insanity

he snickers and suggests and demands
tears run rapid down my cheers my eyes water
no time for tears
I'm ashamed
I'm not worth it
I'm tarnished
beyond repair

Why even bother saving me

I confess though in my heart and soul
that your the only God for me
not him
not his suggestions are unjust
unlike you oh Allah
you are loving
Merciful
Forgiving
Just
Without you the world truly would be lost

I feel lost within emotions
my heart says Islam is the way but i still doubt self
how can one love self 100%
not attainable for me
not yet
never

Oh Allah
Save me from my self
purify my heart
bring the Rage to Bliss
unable to conquer the darkness
left to fight tis battle on wards
its truly my jihad my struggle the insanity
i don't think anything else but you will help
Even now I don't want to be
even in this sanity I drift
and doubt
so remember you always in dkhr
you are the only one worthy of worship
One God One Love One Life

I seek refuge in Allah From the accursed Satan
Ashadu la illah allah ashadu muhammedan rusuallah
Allahu akbar
With you
I Cannot this alone
so in remembrance to you only I will try and try again
and return to you always...

Time will tell

Millions of emotions run through me
Like the current of life source
I ran so far
For so long
Only to find you again
I could only deny for so long
Before I confessed
To you alone
Then to another
Soon time will tell
If I bask in everlasting Noor
Aquire I'll
Apply it
To mold the outcome
To positively potential
To please you Allah
Nothing else matters