Monster part two

I feel this linger in me
Lingering deep down
until suddenly the urge is there
begging me to devour

saliva increases
satisfaction wanted
I dont know what do
I have stop for so long
but still i find me in mindless disaster

mindless messes of the mind
am i fuckin insane
often crosses my mind
as my desires my nafs fill my heart
leaving filled with satisfaction dank desires

in the midst of reality
i am brought to the surface of oxygen
deep breathes are needed
before i find myself in my mindful illusion
again some satisfies me more that devouring

its part of me
my mind it was always there since the beginning
since i can remember some say
get help
go home
go to the hospital

I have gone home
I am safe here
Home is where the heart is
Don't let the nafs control you
dont let devouring control you

I have many scars you see them
internal or external
there part of me
some fade but i still remember them all
They are healed
I no longer hate
I am peaceful
One can only hope

Some will say because of me
I'm not pure
because of my so called disorders
I didn't choose this bullshit
you just don't understand
Don't sweat it
I got it
I am me
I not perfect
no one is in this world

So i am left alone to devour let the monster inside of me breath

Free

I dont feel lost
I thought i would
I used to feel lost all the time
but i had a home with God in my heart
but there was oppression there
i didnt feel free

please dont drag me down
i dont mean to hurt anyones feelings
this is not meant for you
but for me
for i am free
liberated from my nafs
i still have desires dont get me wrong
but i no longer feel regret for acting on some that were deemed haram in Gods eyes

Please dont judge me
be merciful
its in your nature
God didnt give it to you
we all have it
that little light inside
make good or bad
Fuck that
who says its bad to be Bi
I'll tell anyone religious or not that its ok to be Gay
to have compassion of there so called God

I dont know if nightmares or dreams of the past
but i still feel myself listening to Quran its just islam is not for me
There is no God in my heart
That feeling left many days ago

I feel liberated
Free
Home is where the heart is
no more guilt for what i am
no more hurt or tears

Just tears of joy for now on
because im free
from religious judgement
and i could care less what your God thinks of me
I am not burdened by that anymore
noor has left me
maybe ill be shrouded in darkness

I doubt that
because i may i have lost the ummah
I may miss them
but
I have friends
who are less judgemental
who are free as well

So here i am
Being
once again
in my travels
Surely this in the end
perhaps not
for I am free of  the burdens of Allah
so there will be surely new beginnings

Nothing

nothing
i came from nothing
despair had conquered me
nothing could phase me
Despair was in my walk
Shaytan had me in his grasp
as  i believed in falseness

Then i thought i found it
it was so pure
I wrote it
I felt it
I needed it
because the despair was destorying my soul
Little did i know that my spirit was being oppressed
but that little light of mine
kept me afloat for another time

I need the structure
I came from nothing
nothing i was
Despair walked in my path
I wanted nothing but to devour

Took me a while to stop devouring
I believe the spirit came to me
do you know what spirit is?
It was showed to me with kindness and compassion
But without islam i would have not found Haq
I came from nothing
and i feel as though i was nothing

I prayed to Allah only to releize that love for him was wasted for Allah is merciful but Allah is wrathful

So in my walk i came across a man
I studied him before
but i was blinded
Because I hated God
I truly hated him
He took my father from me but i realize now
That i have enternal father that is Abba

I came from nothing but despair
I lacked in the compassion within the world and believed in conquer of Good
I admit this now
I allowed the despair to twist and mold me
but spirit was there

I was once told ill never be of the elected
But did you know
That God loved the world so Much he sent his Only begotten Son to die for us for our sins
This is Haq i believe
In the scripture it is said that Jesus said before Abraham I am, also it is noted he there is other way to Father except through me.
This it self is clear
That is you allow the spirit to consume your soul

Charka
Life source
Power
Strive to please God
Obey Him

Abba did not change his mind
remeber that
But Abba loves his children
We are his alone
he created us
i could be wrong on this
but he created to worship him alone with no other Gods or idols
So be it i shall worship him

But mostly I shall seek compassion in him
Compassion in God that he will it to return to Humanity
Truely we humans are rooted to evil in this world
We are wrapped around shaytans little finger as he snickers as defy God
He whispers
He send his army
I know
I was wrapped around in that
When i was nothing but despair
I had nothing
Then I found islam
Allah of the Quran may have been false because muhammad truely was not a man of God
He did not perform mircles
H/e was driven by lust
Would Godly man be such
He would devout himself to Abba not his nafs his desires his lust

I do not claim he is prophet of God any longer
Im a deviant
I heard from man of God that God loves deviants
how so
despair has corrupted my heart to degree as im not rational
Irrational thoughts flood my mind

Lets start again
God is Love
God is merciful
God has compassion
Be
Rational
I know its hard
But it will help you
because when you have nothing
now you have something
that is love
that is spirit
The Holy Spirit protects you
you are more than nothing
you are child of God
And God truly loves you
That is Haq

Dedicated to John

Here we are once again
-----------------------------
Sometime we find ourselves here
outside the fold, on a formiliar page
like a blank canvas , water stained from the tears
I am feeling the sorrow of yours
I know the feeling of losing someone
Know them all their life till the end
seeing them hours minutes milliseconds
The hours turn to days
I wipe my brows and hang my head in sorrow
She really will be missed
But she will live on in our hearts and more importantly our minds
For she truly touched my heart
When i first heard of her sickness
I fell to my knees
praying to God to save her
maybe i am but a fool
at least i can admit i was but a fool because i didn't realize how precious time truly was
Hope don't lose that grasp
Its a tricky thing, for me anyways
Turn to others those close around you
don't be afraid I'm trying not to be
its okay to grieve
to let out tears of joy and sorry for the good memories will come soon after
mix and match here we are again
within the fold
awaiting another day hopefully far from now when we all will miss out on another leaving this plain
so my friend
im not to far
but my sympathy to you and your family

Summer 2014

I decided to be me
ME alone
Yea im a christian and i love Jesus as my Lord and savior!
I rarely judge people so i expect the same in return
its all about me
you know i have a doctor say that to me in a mental hostipal that you out in life for self

Self until you produce an offspring or now adays a debt to society
I am a christian but i dont go around doing Abba the fathers job about judgeing people
that is for God alone
and if that statement makes you all huffy then sorry for being me again
im happy the way i am
i may be low educated but at least i got the ilm
and shame on you for saying your a knowledge seeker and you dont know ilm
Brothers Sisters Humans Heathens i adress you to this
you maybe truth seekers and well there is truth dont give up
and dont lose Hope
I hope im right God only knows

Being me again
I go to church sometimes more than one i like to refresh my deen gain a diffirent ilm of the day month or second,
I had a time of mania for the first time with a label for it
it caught my attention from so called lack of attention the ADD the stupid one the distruptive one
I tried in school but i was going through my shit dealing with family and me
disorder molding bubbleing in action ready to burst
they didnt know about that then
but i know now finally i understand thank oh Marion
what a help she was to me

I am not of the elected
 never have i claimed so
but i truly believe that i am saved because i accept Christ into my heart and spirit
So the holy spirit shall birth its fruits of devine light to a true follow of Lord almighty
Heavenly Father, Jesus son of Abba King of Kings

If that makes kaffir then so what i dont need you
because im doing it for me alone
i strive to be good pious person
A women of God
but i have my deviant side my flaws
but ill never denounce it
never ever because its not a choice for me
But im not going to give in to all my nafs
because i have to balanace things out
im a good person im nice to people
but everyone has their limit

and its no secret that i got that ginger rage
Smash
anyways
back to me
I dont like all these labels but if you must here i go
NO
dont give it to that bullshit
sorry for my fowl mouth but i wont sit and converse with myself argueing nit picking back and forth
so who really is the sane one you my friends or me instead
Im not sane, im perfectly happy being insane special Lindsey

that me
im out for me
But with me is God and without him ill truly be lost
but happiness is but illusion for people like me
when you need the medication to survive
what a cruel world we live in might as well die now
not my time
even though not to long ago i stood in my kitchen with dull knive to my throat
it did nothing Thank God as cry myself to sleep so where i am not as fall creeps and yet another death arrises
mourning here for now and mourning for then the past its going be rough
but got remeber im not alone to reaht out not be hermit read fool read
seek that iilm and be close to God

But i openly admit that i am a sexual deviant in torah bible and quran so i guess im fucked there therefore i am not elected as i said before

I said enough finially
Do you for you, the me in all of us but keep faith in your path be that Godly or threw humanity
Keep the peace

Wanting

I tired
tired of this
i truly know what to do now
some may call me a heathen
where others love me for me

I think im going to leave my church
well im going tell my church who i truly am
and if they label me a monster than so be it
im trying  to control my nafs
but not all nafs are bad

so sometimes the bible says if you lay with another man you go to hell
well i disagree
Didnt Jesus die for us
for our sins
why is it that people go around pointing fingers
saying who is deviant and who is not

id say look in the mirror
are you doing wrong
i like to thing im a good person
im nice to people
i have a kind heart
and kindered soul

i admit im irrational deviant being
so you may disagree with me
a friend did say to me
why is it you choose faiths that attack your very being
he proved to me that impunishimg myself but truly im done with that

im tired of hiding who i am
those who follow my poetry and have read all it
know i have refered to being a monster
well monster i am no longer
im free to be me
God said be so here i am

so my friends will you shun me
like the muslims did
it was hard being gay and muslim
can i be gay and christian
i think it possible
God is just
God is good


he knows whats in the hearts of everyone
so why i say
does everyone point there fingers and say what deviant heathen i am
I went topride event last night
and met up with a minister
who was out
who was gay and who was kind
perhaps ill talk to him again
and truly perhaps i will see another side of christianty

because what my church preaches is to condum me
why
what have i done other than be who i am
i havent killed anyone
i havent done wrong in a long time
and i have repented

but dont get me wrong
im still christian
im just trying to find my path
so please my friends set me free
let be me
the kindered soul that i am
so we shall meet now in this reality
and hopefully the hereafter

Faithful

Be Faithful
Faith it keeps you calm

In the church there maybe some sour people but be faithful
God is Just God is merciful
To be faithful keeps us balanced

First off be faithful to Abba God Jesus
Without him We are truly Lost

There was a man i heard today
he taught to be Faithful
Be Faithful to the church, to your family to your neghbores and lasty to God and your fellowship.

In the church we find pious people
Look to them for fellowship
I know I tried to find a church other than this one
But it didnt make sense to me
They were teaching Gods word all wrong
To not take it literal
They changed Gods Word
To mold it to their own nafs
Not to Gods commandments

I truly looked into my self
Was i to follow my nafs or to follow the holyness of Gods Word

So here i stand,sit,kneel
begging God to guide me
the scars on me show that i know pain
But this mortal pain in nothing compared to the enternal hellfire
So follow God
Aquire Felllowship
I love God more than i love myself I love my family and my church Family
I love them because God commands me to love them and the fellowship
So be Faithful
I chose the harder path for the blissful reward

So my friends will you follow yours nafs and preach falsehood
or seek out the pious people for they have faithfulness
Find the fellowship in yourself, home, church
Truly you will return to the heavenly father
Fall to your knees and ask Abba for forgiveness

Repent of your wicked ways
Seek salvation in your Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
So i leave you to pounder this
Remeember without hope we are lost
without God you cannot grasp your hope
Hold onto your hope for your sanity is near it and without you are truly lost

So brethen I ask you to ask your heart to get it rght with God
In Jesus name
Amen

Lost but Found

I trust in the Lord with all my heart
Dont lose your hope for you sanity is near it
Do you have Hope
But feel it slipping from your grasp
Do not worry
Fall to your knees and seek fogiverness
Beg your Lord to be mericful
Let the Holy Spirit embrace you
So that you can feel the lord

Lord I know I have sinned against you
But I beg you to guide my heart
I repent to you alone
and can only Hope that you will accept my repentance

Trust in the word to guide you
Rest in Gods promises and trust in God and self

We think we invinsble
but we are weak
we are but flesh

We follow the shepard through the word
That is the bible
Some refer to psalm and some to hebrews

the word is living
in you and I and everyone
Remeber to live a holy pious life
Live as though today is your last
it could be you never know when God will call you back
So I leave you with this little reminder my friends

Followers

Followers of almighty Lord
Why leave your families and friends for a mere man
But my friend you mistaken your words
For this is not a mere man
but God in the flesh
Son of Abba the father
interwined with the holy spirit
let it bear its sweet fruits so you can taste
I know for a fact
IT happened to me
I see the light and i shall tremble in awe to witness the Lord in Flesh

Suddently I fell to my knees
to save his son from the pagans
when shall his suffering end...
Then suddently tears began to swell in my face
The end had finally come
Will I not know salvation i thought as tears fell to the ground
He was gone
How could i waste my time to witnessing
only to have the Lord die before he could Save me

Three days passed since the death of Jesus Christ
A man came running to me saying: I heard the rock was moved Christ has risen
Was this true
I went to the mother of our Lord and lo there Christ had risen to tell
his brethen his children
That he died for all of us
for all our sins
as there is no way to the father except through Christ

Perfect as our beingis since we have seen God in the flesh
For he was no different from you nor I
So my friend you truly not free until you feel fruitful light soothe the body
Everlasting joy of the Holy Spirit which is intertwined with Lord Savior Jesus Christ and Abba the Father

So my friend
I have seen now you fall to your knees
Do not worry for those tears from you and i
are but joyus as they flood the heart

So now that i have shown the way
we can bask in the light of the Lord together forever
Will you my Lord and true Savior
Hold me close
Never abandon me
Nor will I wavier

In Jesus Lord Saviors Name
Amen

Here we are today

Take me away
Oh wonderus Day
Joyus we are
Music happiness
People
Magic in the air
Diffirent cultures
Movies stars
Singers
artists
Where are we
but a dream poundering until wonderus beauty consumes us
Smile dont forget
Open your mind
Allow New thoughts
endless conversations
Smile its a kindness
Bring your Hope here
Its in my heart and i shall share it with all
Will you
Come join us
Dont worry your welcome

What Shall Ye Say

What shall i say to God on judgement day
if i was perish right now on the hour
I truly know im in a terrible state
a maniac known to panic as worry sets in
questions arise
am i perfect
am i wrong
Glory to creator for we shall answer to him alone
Saved by the grace of the son, overflown hath the fruits of the holy spirit
one can hope these fruits are ready to bear
Though shall not judge
that is for our Lord who is all knowing all merciful

he is the judge
I find myself drifting back and forth between good and bad habits
Bless those who are pios in this walk of life
and those who are pios in my own life
who dedicate this walk to life to please God and for God is all forgiving
For his word is our guide
the books the old testiment and the new
nothing has changed
even though our enemies say our word is corrupted I challenge them to prove it
Again nothing has changed
God didnt change his mind
and he protects his word

So take the covenment of thy Lord to the heart with glory
So my Lord Jesus Christ save me from myself
keep my sanity in my grasp like my Hope

in Jesus name
amen

a million emotions

I feel so out of place
yes if that is possible
to feel out of place in your thoughts
my mind just plays tricks on me

he he ha ha says the voices in my head
laughing as i sob a thousand tears
Why must this happen
I rather have rage then despair in my heart
but maybe they are right that depression is just anger on the inside

No they are wrong
stupid doctors
they think they know what is going on with me
how would they know when i hardly know

I miss him so much
why must the pain of my fathers death bother me so
its been 20 years you think i would groan up over the years
but im still a blubbering mess

I think i cried over a million tears in the past three days
not that its matters
a friend well i thought they were a friend told me i do my depression for attention

yes that fucking it i want attention thats why i took the blade to skin
bullshit
never once did i seek attention from others hense i hide my cuts and burns
i been doing this a long time
probually to long
remeber your no longer a child
it was permissable once
but no longer
so Lindsey think hard before you pick up another blade or lighter
you can barely face the flame of this world

how will you prepare your self for the hellfire
you think you will go there
so you will probually

Yet you ask for help from your lord
why

Truth be told i dont know where i will end up as for im saved
because i follow the light
but the darkness lingers in me
there is no room for that in the golden gates of heaven

I dont know who i will become because the emptiness
how much it hurts me is a part of me
But without one the other cannot be
God said be so here i am

I just want to be free of the hate i consumed for myself
Do my scars not show how much i hate my emotions

I rather slice a new wound than face old tears
Am i a horrible person...
because i self harm
i dont know
i dont want to think that way
snap out of it lindsey
breath in and out

There it is one single tear i cant take it
So thats my bit on how i feel
that single tear turns to hundreds within minutes
then bliss can follow
please be that feeling tonight please

Authoo billah mina shayton ajeem
I refuge in God from the acursed satan
Speak no evil see no evil
do not give that old devil power
He has none over me
For God Lord Almighty is watching over me
And Jesus my lord and savior is with my heart

Long awaiting

I dont know what is becoming of me as of late
this quick to feel high
without any drugs
i feel as though i dying on the inside and the drugs well the medication
they keep me balanaced but guess what?
I have none i been off them for a while
im unable to see him my doctor
what to do now
but another endless night
i find myself sleeping more and more
to escape this dank dark feelings

i know its been five months since i self harmed
but im afraid that i will break that streak tonight
perhaps its time for a visit
to walk across a free way and see if you get to the other side safely
walking high on building ready to jump to see if i could fly

no use to going to the hostipal
they just stick you in a little room
till there is nothing to help you but your own thoughts
attack you
blam pang bang boom
miles and seconds collude until you dont know what to do

I fall to my knees pray to my God to help me
and yet nothing

not even sernenity can save my heart from myself
thos dank darkness that lingers and then the emptiness consumes
you would hope this would help me
as they did before
but im afraid im still alone in the night with nothing but the voices and faces attacking

Slice goes the skin
blood down the sleeves
drip drip drip
Knive against the juglar
slice slice slice
only if that was true
but it is a feeling and i shall seek it out forever

So God if you loved me so much
to die for me
then why cannot not just die in peace
the bloody path awaiting me

Till next time my friend if there is one that is

Panic Mania Manic Depressive

Panic i feel it in the air
in my every being
but why?
you ask
Because im starting to lose my mind
Its was rather silly
why did i do it?
Manic in the midst
mania wanting to be as you are free

I feel i belong locked away in nothing but glimpse of sun light
its funny though you think this would be the same as before
well hate to break it to you
im down but not done
my faith eman hasnt been rippped from my grasp
So then my Hope is left a flicker in the flame as he snickers
he lingers in the night

As the sun sets i truly know
for my fissrah
hyper senstivety they called in on the unit
lovely really so great for someone who suffers from so much diffirent and diverse demons

not in the bibical sense
demons just small things at eat away at your soul
little things
you wouldnt guess what dirty dank darkness lingers in us all but mostly me
for im a manic person
sometimes i wonder if my morality is right because remeber im freak a geek and darn right enccentric

There he goes again a brush by the shoulder a cold shudder as that whisper flows in thy heart
but Thank thy Lord Jesus
he is my savior
so i know im saved as long as i am close to the word and God Almighty

Depressive states i have hit
after the high that is
i burned money for the budget of the month in less than 2 weeks
I really screwed my self over then
but thank God for my supports

so silly that when dusk sets demons well suck and wiggle in the soul trying to get at my fruits of the holiness of the holy spirit.
so what do
but sleep as soon as you feel bad
unfortually im so restless
because im in a rut and mania is setting in once again

So my friends this is me for now
There is Hope im Glad to say
But there is emptiness
There is the mania that invites vile beasts
but without him i would be lost
For Jesus is my Lord and Savior

Please for your sake and mine

This is dedication to our God
All of our meaning to worship believe and want to be with our God
Who is that but Lord and Savior Jesus the holder of everlasting light that shall overcome the snicker of shaytan
It saddens me that we rely on so much that is away from the church away from the bible
That some need to promise stuff to the believers for then to follow
So be generous to your temple mind body and the church
For our temple hold our mind soul and spirit
Its on loan to us

So respect it
I know what you think when you look at me for i wear my scars on the outside but you see our Lord has forgiven me for that Thank the almighty

So my friends do you love your church family more than selfish desires
smile shakehands invite to coffee to prayer meeting
For the sake of your heart and sanity

he walks...

Do not let sin rule you
I want to know you
God Abba Father jevohah God of new and old Jesus my Lord and savior basking in the light the noor of the holy spirit
Where are you
I need your guidenesss
Shall you leak your everlasting fruits to me but only for secs thats all i need
Leaving me in awe speachless of your glorly
I fall to my knees in prayer
I can feel it
The holy spirit has his works in me a light shines on my darkness lightened my path to God
Can you carry me during dire times my father of everlasting light for you limitless
Not that you are crutch that i am using i never abuse you like that
But without you i am truly lost for your connected to my hope and without hope your truly lost with your insantity
But also without hope how could we know God and love of God leaves us all in awe
So please brethen bask in his holy light as he walks in all of our paths

Forget about it

Pride can ruin even the most pious of people
Ruin is a right of term in ruin is the lord of your house
If you rely on Pride to swell in your heart it rather goes to one head than to our lord
You think our Lord and Savior Jesus was prideful when with the lepars or rather was he humble to be amoung when he was saving there souls.
IF you have to much pride than surely that devil has his hands on you
Andif you dont believe in either Lord your Savior Jesus as your God vs the lacking in of the faith of that snickering fowl devil.
Because i know for a fact that devil fears the sons and daughters of our Father has faith and giveth faith upto us to conquer evil and with Jesus the light shall not shine upon your path
God is almight he doesnt need us, he does need praise or worship
we need him more than he needs us
May his glory wash over us all

For the father sent his son to die for our selfish sleves and sins are forgiven because Jesus truly died for me
So I shall not rely on petty things such as pride to guide me but i want to bask in the light of our savior.
So Lord guide meaway from petty things allow me follow in the path of prophets and men of God men amoung God
In glouris golden parasdise of heaven

Dont get me wrong I have had my doubts here and there mostly because of the past things
I have lost a life line but found enternal life with our Lord
But my vile past vile ways
But that doesnt make me want to sin more and more his whisper his snicker in my ear he is one shaytan he wants you to suffer in hell fire

I try my best to make my covenvent with God
Name his Abba, God, Jevohah but more importantly Jesus

Itry more and more to go to church live my life according to God and his message
but that snicker isnt far from me and he trys hard against me and my fault my past present but he shall not my future.

The father has his heart upon me and its open to me sending me a family the ummah within Jesus Lord and savior.
Lord I thank you for my friends who had guided me to you may you grant him hightest place in our paradise in the name of our lord and savior Jesus
Amen

Fight the good Fight

We are in a bad way these days
we are partying in the church
where we know very well its not meant for that
Do not mistake such behavior to be Christ like or for God
The Church is meant for worship, prayer a sanctuary for those lost souls
Growth in our knowledge for our Lord, and growth in our love for God and fellow humanity

Walls separate us in Christ
Between the deviant divisions
misguided they seem to some
but for most they people see them as on the right path
hence forth they follow and reach out to churches that are more so busy with entertainment
rather than worship

These deviant ones are misguided surely we the people who seek to be pious
Shall set forth in example to the misguided and show them the way as Christ did for us
Following desires instead of his word, but after all we but sinners
In no means am i saying that i am better than those who have fallen for shaytans plan
But seek out Jesus our Lord and savior, because without him we are surely lost from the light

And the light shall over come all darkness that it faces
So then there where shall i rest my soul
after these mortal body has perished
I would only wish for the golden gates to open for me
so i can bask in glorious light that omits onto our Lord

So what do now but where to rest my body and soul
but rest on the shoulders of thy Lord
I surely wept my share of tears but not for self but for my Savior
For how could he take such a burden from the creation and take it as his own
What greatness was uncovered with his birth

For he died for us
For our sins beginnings and endings

Do what the Bible says we should do for ourselves and our salvation

Fight the good fight
and keep your word with God

But remember Church is for the sinners, to praise, worship, and seek out knowledge from the words of our Lord.
Do not let shaytan whisper his words into your mind and heart
he does not belong here

So my friends, my siblings in our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ
Ponder upon this, ponder upon the bible the word
Praise it
For its the lifeline to the heart and soul

Follow that pious knowledge

sacrifice to one another for our lord and savior did so
The apostles of God gave so much to their king
So what is is it to spare but a few moments of worship and prayer
perhaps a few loonies for the church even if thats all you can afford
But be generous for God's sake and even your own sake

Sought not your wisdom from the fools with deviant ilm knowledge nor evil doers
Seek the pious people those who have come to be humble with their travels
Knowledge ilm can be found everywhere but remember not all of that knowledge is good
it can corrupt ones heart
And if our heart is corrupted then how canwe surrender our heart to him
For "He" is good, God is good

There will be the deceivers all around that will take Gods word and corrupt it
Take it as their own
Claim to be from him
Claim to be new found prophets
but remember with the correct light
heavenly light upon our gaze we shall not fall for the deviants deceivers

Give thanks for our joy is found with fruits of the holy spirit
for God loves us he was able to send his son to die for our sins
So our hearts are open to you oh lord
Guide my heart
I surrender my heart giving glory to the king

Our hearts though are open to desires the good and bad
That old dirty devil will not shake his grasp
he snickers
But he cannot stop us
from releasing such evil doing desires
because remeber Jesus decided to die for us
for our sins he took for us
So becloser to God
We have redeemed and delivered from the helllfire
for I want to bask in Gods holy light
I need Gods love so much
So be delivered from that hellfire to reside in the holy light with out Abba Father and Son Jesus Christ.

have a clear spirit and mind for our lord
Without such how are we to seek out a pious teacher
look to elders, pastors, bishops, leaders, youth, children
they are everywhere
that knowledge you gain shall help you
may the knowledge of the pious move within us such as the holy ghost

Today

i find myself
here once again
is it my fault
because i slipped up on purpose
medication why is it needed so much
i cannot last a day without it before i mental break down
but then again the day was good
so Thank God that im not dead by my own hand yet
i refused to let myself grab those blades
to buy them from the store
honestly i was worried what the clerk would say when she saw all my scars
when i would go to the check out with blades
so i put them back
i defeat shaytan once again
he whispers so often
but
I have Christ in my heart
He is my guardian
I will be honest its been a long time since i felt emptiness
maybe this new found faith relationship
is what is meant for me
Thank God for friends
True friends
I lost so many
when i left islam
they cursed me and called me deceiver
am i one
i think not
im just being truthful
i dont go to masjid and cause trouble
i have kept my distance
its not my home anymore
Thank God
from a friend who found me tight knit church
lately i been feeling such a good feeling when i go
after all
i go to church three times a week
nothing better to do
afterall ilm is found on all corners
but no corners on this world for we are limitless in this glaxacy of milk
I hope you found your path
i know i have found mine
I just need to keep on the medication
so that old dirty devil is kept at bay
but i fear when i will lose control
and the emptiness will return
but as long as i keep faith
in Abba
Jesus
Holy Spirit
then indeed i shall conquer onwards
in the soul of the mind
i am limited
but the lord almighty in limitless
so worry not for me
im in good hands
for my heart lies in the hands of our lord and savior

deep down

I hate it sometimes
This feeling deep down
that surfaces
and i left to feel it
its just brings me into depression
Wanting nothing more to cut
cut out the feeling
but now im surpressing even the self harm
im starting to not care again
wanting to end it all
i dreamed that i died and then i awoke
how did i die in my dream but by my own hands
that is shall it be
but you shouldnt think this way
afterall God is on your side
so dont lose your Hope
But how can i grasp such hope
when feeling in utter darkness soon the smptiness will come
everyone is mad at me i feel
maybe this isnt the right situation
perhaps i need to find a diffirent one
but i cant
I just want to give up
as a stare into space thinking about how to end it
maybe its time to visit my doctor
afterall my own sister said to me if gets worse
there is always the hostipal
to sit in the little white room and ponder about depression
i dont seek that but at least im somewhat safe
what if though
what if they admit me
what if im sent to away
no i dont want to go
ill just face the emptiness
and let the blood flow one way or another
but please dont cut
dont worry myself i wont
because the scars arent worth it
i found another way
that hurts much more
and it worthy of this soul
to take the flame against the flesh
but one cannot devour
i dont care i just want this depression gone
dont forget you have God on your side
he died for you
so dont self harm
i only pounder about it
i havent done any yet
but thanks for the concern
i think if the days keep going like this
ill end up somewhere
either the hostipal or ...
welll best not dwell
in you life of sorrows
Hold on to your Hope for your sanity is near it
and without you are truly lost
and without God
Blessed Father
please capture this darkness from me
for you are my shields and Jesus is my sword
We together shall conquer the emptiness
one can only hope

are we worth it?

Stubborn towards God doesnt do any good
Just takes us away from our Lord
We think we are better
How wrong are we
WE arent worthy of his mercy that he gives us
But God is merciful and forgiving
We are lucky to have a master as such as him
His grace sent his son to sacarfice to his self for us
for our sins so for now we are sinners
but us sinners have our champion that fights for us
what shall we do for our Lord
Repent for we truly need it
Hold yourself still for grasp of desperation
a desprate breath as we shake before our creatior
For Abba hold you tight from shayton on the final day
if you truly worthy that is
only are you if you live and breath for your Lord
So i leave you to ponder upon which step you shall take next
All praises to our lord and savior Jesus christ

Warmth

I reach out to the sky
Only to feel warmth unto me from our savior
his sweet whisper
my heart overflows
What did he say?
Rather what did i feel
Warmth to bring unto others to witness the good news
I am learning first hand what Christ had taught
I hope I have a home
within the kingdom of God
My leader who passes the knowledge onwards
His heart has the right intention
To praise God, to follow him into the light
Preach the word
So my pastor I pray that you stand tall against shaytan
that you shall not weaken in your faith
That you only kneel to our savior and lord Jesus
In Jesus name amen

The word

be this word that was left
swallow me whole
my heart but weeps joyus tears to the heart and soul
thank you oh lord for guiding me to this place of worship
Oh Abba holds me tight
from the clutches of satan
For satan tries to break Gods grasp on me
it but lingers in the mist of deseption
my faith shall not waiver
again i hear that fowl snicker of the old dirty devil
but not here
not in this place of worship and praise
Remeber to keep faith in God
Trust our lord and savior Jesus
For he died for our sins
so we could go on living in this world of fools
so read that word read the new the good news
for it was given to us by out Lord
Worry not for God is on your side
Trust in God always

Change

do you realize that people can change
i admit im not perfect and some days i show more than inperfection
but just because i say i feel like cutting
doesnt mean i want to
i was reaching out
for comfort from a friend
what do i get but a backstab from them
shame on me for trusting someone online
shame on me for trusting myself
Change is needed
but something i cannot change
I cant change my spirit my soul
but the heart does change
Im getting better
i can feel it in myheart
this new relationship i have with my savior
is overflowing within my heart
maybe its the medication as well
for i feel more stable
its been for sure 2 months since i last self harmed
i want to keep it that way
because my savior didnt die for me for me to take out it on myself
he died for me
so i can worship him, love him, witness for him
ill get down to witnessing soon
just got to figure out my faith first
so that deviant wind wont make me bend in my faith
for that old dirty devil snickers as he breaths that breath of deviant wind
its from that fowl wind that causes my devaint streek
but im changeing
akhi
im changeing
i feel happier thanks to the grace of God
thanks to the help to my friend and sister ukhti
she set me straight not to trust the fools on the net
for it will hurt me more
but enough of that
i have changed
and i will changed more
so dont judge me
thats Abbas job
not yours
some people cant change
but thats not me
for i want to better myself
so i can be close to Jesus my Lord and Savior
so my friends who are reading
tend not to judge
because you may hurt a feeling or so
and cause a blade to slice
but that battle was won
and the war goes onwards
for God Jesus almighty in on my side
So i end this now
Shaytan you will not win
for God will conquer you
chain you down
weld you face
so you cannot snicker
cannot whisper
cannot lead your army
Oh God almighty grant this for its the betterment of mankind
but its only a request for God knows best
in Jesus name
Amen

its ended

What have i dont
rather than trusting someone
maybe ill finally learn that not everyone is as they seem
maybe some people hide who they are because they so fowl inside that they need to be nice to attract other nice people
i dont know why you hate me
i thought we were friends
yet you go behide my back and backbite me
say im not christian because of my sins
hate to break it to you
but i am christian
God is my witness
i dont refer to God as Allah anymore
but as Christ Jesus and Abba the Father
if you talked to me lately
you would know im learning
i dont need this hate put towards me
i hope we never meet paths again
for shaytan has whispered in your heart
to hurt someone
our Lord and savior Jesus wouldnt do that
he would love me
tell me to keep on learning
as i am daily
sure i go to my friends for advice
and you call them misguided
you judge me harshly
and i never did anything to you
i simiply didnt agree with you
and now i see your true face
truly you are the two faced wicked one not me nor my friends
i need this poetry to express my hurt
what i read on what you said about me
brought many tears to my face
but you will not make me bend in your blow
i stand strong beside my Lord and savior Jesus christ
As Abba will hold me tight as a father doe to his child
and He will protect me from such hate
i hope he will grant me fissrah to see unseen
to be able tostop me from trusting gits such as yourself
i thought we were friends but i guess not
so please
i beg
leave me be

What life is meant to be...

I love life
Sometimes i take such for granted
just like my brethen
I have come a long way
I am now able to reconize the darkness the emptiness
dont getme wrong just like all it still happens
but now im able to feel the light unto my heart
and reach for the sky arms in the sky
praises God almighty for placing me here right now
at this time i finally understand somewhat
im learning more and more each day
making friends as i go
i yearn for the conversations the ilm
knowledge bested for your sisters and brother within christ
I have decided to take my deviant side
and control it for a good because God so loved the earth he sent his only begotten son to be sarcerficed for all of our sins
well
I feel this light
each time i praise remeberance and worship thy Lord and Savior, im not afraid to name him Jesus Christ Lord
Some people are afraid of offending someone so they will just refer to the Father, but you cannot knowth thy father without knowth Christ Jesus
So my Savior Jesus my Lord what have you for me al qadar you say
pre destiny so my path is already written but you fool me and smile its not for my concern
I understand now that i read the word that water is need for baptism
i thought spiritual was good enough
but the word was said by the Lord Jesus that without spiritual and water ye shall not be saved
Truly we dont know if we are saved fully
in the end we stand before God the Father and Jesus Son of God
and we will find out then if we truly were saved after years of assuming such
but my friend in Christ
worry not
just pick up the word
and read daily
take the word and reflect
live to him according and be just and rightous so be that shall God be with you when your time hath come
its been a while for me like ten years since i read the word
so im so blissful and happy to be taught once again by the word now that my wall has broken and hardened heart was made to flesh
so sisters and brothers
what will you do when faced upon that sin
will you strive to please our Lord or your very whims
God only knows
but remember without him you truly have become lost from humanity
and sanity will lose its grasp to hope
So to avoid such
Read and seek the ilm the knowledge
even its a verse a day read and remeber without him you shall lose and perish within fire
so seek knowledge and understanding that compassion and rightisnesss is those who practice such is close to Lord but without the Holy spirit to guide your every being you will not find it
So hold onto your Hope for your Sanity is near it

Guide me

What had this world come to
When those being oppressed
are just falling towards the bad
bad for self images
how are we truly free in the west
when a women has to be half starved and naked
to feel beautiful
What kind of example are we showing children
when we hate our selves if such way
that we resort to self multiateing ways
cursing ourselves calling us forsaken before God
He but lent our bodies to us
So why do we damage so
I know im one to talk
having over 100 scars
More so on my soul are they being cured
Deliverance is needed to cure the unwell
so a friend told me anyways
i dont really understand it
but this is not about it
its about oppression
I truly pray that these days we are facing that my generation and the next will change
not repeat the paths of forefathers
Media i will not fall for you blindness properganda
you will not control me
I dont need to be size zero to feel pretty
afterall beauty is in the eye of beholder
I know im in danger with my health but its my choice
just because you see me do not pity me
Glamor here and there
Nafs desires and unlawful things
God I call upon you to take me from myself
and my desires to devour
Devour is an uncontrolable desire
But that old dirty devil as he smiles
at me when i but cry in a mirror for the scars i have done to me
For my savior died for my sins
So i vow for the first time i will avenge those feelings of emptiness
and seek out dilverance from my Lord and Savior Jesus the most high
Please oh holy spirit consume me so the emptiness will not control me
as a friend said you can be set free from all those bad things that are hurting you
I dont hate myself
But id be lying to say i regret taking those steps that led to devouring
So please those who are reading keep me in your prayers as i try to keep you all in my own
God willing
With this new generations to come we wont fall for that devils old tricks
Dont let that whip lash you
Im begging you Lord guide me onto your holy of holiness
Let that Holy Spirit control me
to bring those around me onto the good news and the word
afterall my brothers and sisters we are all witnesses

Crumble

I feel like my world as i know it
Is about to crumble
my hand tremor
due to an old wound
will i ever be free of the scars i have
people see them and only question and judge
they seem to not understand that i was nessary at the time
and even now
it is needed
but why do i think such a way
Am truly irrational in the mindset
Irrational when it comes to making the right call
All i want is to end it
but my faith in God keeps me somewhat balanced
I need to greive
I dont know how
Im trying but it seems not hard enough
Im losing friends as i drift
gaining some along
but i never wanted to lose any to start with
as i make friends for life
I took a pill
one my doctor gave me
if only they helped
i feel like my medication in barely helping me
and i dont know what to do
im afraid to stop them
because im much worse off them
perhaps i should call someone who can tell me whats going on
perhaps but i will probually back out
like i always do
im sorry for stateing the same ole stuff
but this is my outlet
Poem here
Poem there
Poems for all

Hatred

Hate who needs it

so many people do i meet have it

i see it in their hearts

because i have fissrah

fissrah is but a burden most times

but at least i can use it for my betterment

to stay away from the haterz

I see a recently made friend being attacked

would you do the same as me

say she is nice and that haterz is wrong

i did so and received some hate as well

oh the wire

infested with the larva of shaytan

he whispers in our hearts that hate

I barely have any hate left

i would lying that i was not bitter from leaving islam

that bitterness turned to hate soon from infulices from shaytan

but hate just darkens your heart

did our savior hate his enemies 

did he curse all those who hated him

from what i read he did not

and that was his human side

that is way to admire our lord

and take his teachings and change our hearts

because believe me shaytan is hitting all of us hard these days

but prophecys are coming true

God only knows what will come

I dont think im in the life time of end

but surely i am seeing some of the final days

and that scares me

because shaytan will deceive those close to God

by putting darkness in our hearts

for he is a vile beast that will infect 

puss will overflow and infest our bodies until nothing is left

so remeber not to brood to long

and always forgive

even if you need to forgive yourselves firstly beforehand

remeber fissrah is but a burden but with the right light it can see the inner good

and what i saw last night hurts me so

because i feel what the fissrah shows me

but i dont let it control me

because it surely would take control

and then fissrah would be outcontrol

and i would die soon after froma  flood of over emotions good and bad

not knowing which is right

its come close to happening before 

that is one of my fears

and only hate that can start that hate onwards to self

many people think i hate myself

my body is but scarred 

and i want nothing more to make more

but thats wrong

for God loves me

so haterz take my heed

dont let it overflow your heart for your surely lost from our Lord

Dreams

Sometimes we find our selves out of reality
may it be a dream or an illusion
Sometimes i cannot tell the diffrence
are dreams souly happening when we are in our comfy beds asleep
or are they day dreams
sitting off in the class room having distant thoughts of wonder
We know about that
it has brought us to simplier time we our hearts want us to be
ive had a dream upon a dream before
where when you awaken from one you dont know if your in your own reality anymore
i dont know if its just me
but my bad dreams usually wake me up in fright
and i seek thy lord for comfort
its said i may have post tramatic stress disorder
because i have lucid dreams
and its hard to seek serenity when in a frightful state
i feel my every being is trembleing
but thats the past
and just a dream
it has no power over me
other than losing sleep
ha ha i laugh at the jinns who are attacking me
if they are jinns at all
could be that old dirty devil
so lets talk about illusions and reality
how to tell the diffrence
i used to think happiness was but an illusion
created by the man
to have false hope
but that time has passed
and for me im happy for once
could be the medication
or the new religion
or just plain ole me
sometimes i like to test myself as if reality was false
by challengeing my sleep and staying up
the longer the day the more i think it reality
but who knows
ha ha maybe we are like in the matrix
thats silly now
but people sometimes think it
but some people just arent there
i know there was a time
when i was but in illusion
i didnt know what was happening
and i couldnt stop it
turns out it wasnt an illusion
just some twisted soul
twisting up an inoccent
so
dream my friends
its a comfort in the end
Hope for a new beginning
for no one likes a to be continue
farewell once again
til another time

they them and us

they say to end it
how do they arise
simpley thinking about them
they are always there
apart of me they are
how can i be so mean to self

why must my mind punish me
why do i punish myself
was it simpley to escape
escape the feeling of emptiness
To devour to satisfy
the darkness
it calls me
wanting nothing but destruction
why must i give in
souly to feel free again
i yearn for what it was before
but thats not the way

its not right
so why do it
remeber the good guys said
"as long its in moderation its ok"
but its not i feel inside its not
i will not give power to it
but i slip up

lately i just want to cut it all out
the voices
the habits
the troubles
the heartache
but
its not right to hurt so many people
i see that
makes me not want to share
so if your reading this
im sad to say im giving into my nasty side
my nafs the bad ones
that have been with me for a long time

I just want inner peace
is it so hard to seek that
maybe just maybe ill find it with God
inshallah perhaps inshallah

me I and myself

If i wept a thousand years
nothing would have changed
I dont know what wrong
I cant pin point the emptiness source
What can i do other than blades
other than devour

I slipped up last night
Devouring as nothing else mattered
As long as its moderation then its OK
Ok they say
How come i dont feel in such a way

Some friends say that old dirty devil is hitting me hard
maybe so but i think its mostly me
its part of the emptiness
Its called the other me
so named by my sister
she doesnt like it when i get this way
she says i act oddly weird out of my own skin

Do i need to keep saying goodbye to those passed on
for they haunt my ever being
I already said goodbye so many times
And wept until my heart wants to stop
so whats the point of going on

Is it forself or for God
God doesnt want you to end it
why do you want such
Listen i know you much better than I think
You yourself knows you better than anyone else

Its just the emptiness we know how it started
Lie here and lie there to cover up the truth into why
I dont know what to do
I dont hate myself anymore
I love God more than myself
as it should be for the servants of our Lord

So if i love God more than self
Then Why isnt the light consuming me
God is good God is just God is merciful God is wrathful
We know were we will go
We dont want that anymore
You want to see loved ones
Its not joke
Hell is real
and you think this reality can be hell
Nothing is compared to the hellfire of thy Lord

So remeber your not alone
you have your brothers and sisters in christ
siblings in humanity
and lastly God will never leave you
Even when myself is covered in darkness and emptiness
Nothing can break God's love for you

So rest young one
Rest another day
worry not the time has not come for you
Remeber to Love God

I am here

To go back to the beginning
Its hard to say
depends where we are starting
at the first whisper of the shahada
or the first time i fell in love with God

I never thought there was a God
let alone only one God
I was young
and unhappy
my life was but shattered glass
stepping onwards only to harm ones self

Islam filled a void for a love that i needed to express
Love for self and love for a diety
but as the deceivers mist began to fade
the fog was lifted
i relaized that islam just was not for me
What was the put of feeling to guilty
I was just following my heart
what harm came from it
some good happened at first

i feel so lost
i want something formilar afterall
islam was part of me for a long time
i grew so much
declined and excel
I would be lying to say
there wasnt still apart of me wanting it
Islam a way of life
the deen the way

Is the love for its an illusion
I thought happiness was but illusion
but then again i didnt know the true God
The father
The Son
The Holy Spirit
First God sent his son
to touch my heart
the first time i prayed to him the father
sincerely with no doubt was but recently

I wept a great deal for my Lord helped me say goodbye
To those i held so close to heart
because unlike me
they were saved
I dont think i will ever believe that i am saved

Maybe when i stand before God on judgement day
And he opens his arms to me
A hug thats holy, enternal, loving, everlasting
I already feel this light wrapped close around me
For I admit This true God is the one for me
He taught so much to humanity
Love God and Let Go

So reach to the sky
and praise
Lord oh Lord
have your mercy unto me
Grant me paradise
Kingdom
Where the most High will reside
In Jesus the Lord and Saviors name
Amen

Engraved

I long to see God
Is it impossible
I just want that light and warmth
to consume me
maybe im wrong
maybe im going about it wrong
I'll be honest
I try to pray to Allah still
its so engraved in me
but an friend
a brother said
Dont be engraved but
tatooed with christ upon your heart

Can i do so
it will take awhile
I think i can
each day i think of God my lord and savior Jesus
He was so mighty
AS I read the word
I fall more and more love for him
because he loved his creation so much
he sarcafised his son for us

So why
Cannot reach for the sky
my arms are heavy with my burdens
they say to be a servant to out lord and in islam you but a slave
I see it as the same
For you my lord
are my savior
I praise you in my heart
With my small whispers
And with my loud voice
So come to my lord
Grace my soul
For i am fallen
and waiting for the stairway
to come to me
the rail is not yet to support me
its not my time

Hold on to your hope
for your sanity is near it
Remeber your not alone
you have a whole new family waiting for you
Discover them
share with them
Praise with them
Dont forget
he died for you
so you dont have to suffer
so
be not afraid of this new beginning
for God is on your side
and God is just

Fault

There is something there
Lingering
I dont know what is
could be that old devil
he lurks in the hearts of men
shaking every nerve

I cannot bear it anymore
I dont have anything
but a pin
a lighter
I sad to say i have resorted to such
Worthless i feel

As tears overwhelm me
I did a pray for God to save me from my self
nothing but emptiness
its not Gods fault
So dont think that way
Its all mine
I took the steps
To light my sword

Flesh of the body
to devour into darkness
Darkness walks hand in hand with emptiness
I dont know what im becoming

I scream as though i have no voice
Hear are my words
Why
Tears overwhelm my eyes
is this me
I am destined to be forsaken

Even if my lord and savior died for me
I cannot be greatful
but they say im selfish
I lost my friend who i called during dire times
he helped
now im left to battle it alone

So will you judge me so
my lord God
I can barely withstand the fire of reality
I cannot withstand
the flames of dismay
Punishment is needed
maybe my old ways arent needed
im tryin my lord and savior
I truly am

Before i do more
I write these words as a warning to
that old dirty devil
you have me now
but as soon as i seek refuge in my God
from you shaytan
I shall be free another day
another hour on the enternal clock

Rageing

Im not crazy
they all say i am
Are you on your meds was the question
yes i am
Wallahi
im not liar
please answer me
I scream

WHY
Has this happened me
first a friend curses me
now an old love stalks me
and messes with my mind
once i have proof
and corner the scum
Im assumed to be insane
Insane in the menbrane
you say I have no morals

My old ummah
my brethen
curse me
say my word is half of a muslim
when the muslim man sits there smirking
just like that old dirty snicker who is it
why must this Rage conquer me

my hands shake as i write this
Right a wrong
I ask oh my lord take my rage
and make into peace
because i know i will brood
Brood into the hate the darkness
and the snickering gets louder
loud as much as i can bare

I cover my ears fall to my knees
Yell for my Lord to save me from myself
Im not crazy
but sometimes people need saving

So am i forsaken always with this rage
or shall this help me
Oh lord I beg you to lighten my heart
So the old devil doesnt have power over me
For without you I am lost
So I thank you God the Father
Thank you Jesus my savior

Guardian

Hear me
Will you my lord
I pray to you
help me from myself
Tears roll down my face
I havent cried this much in years
I have a fear
Dont we all

I feel oh so silly
This friend of mine never loved the friendship
If he did why would he shame me so
Count my fears
make then reality
One of my fears is losing myself in my mind
my sickness
afterall im irrational
Its the point when im not sane
When everything comes undone
and time just flies but goes so slow when i close my eyes

Open them and im in a world not known to anyone but my self
Its like a limbo within the mind
where i go to ponder
im safe from my demons
they cannot get me
but guess what i found out
HE is there
so wonderus
this is my protector in my mind
Jesus my lord and savior
Protect me from the demons

I breath
open my eyes
I had such joy fill my heart
when my new friend
told me
that
Jesus our savior
is our protector
So dont let the satan
cause doubt in your choices
That shaytan is mad that he lost you
I dont know if he surely had me
But his grasp was there
but Light will always be there to conquer darkness

 I prepared oh lord
for my fight against the devil
and without you i am lost
but with you
I shall conquer
For you Jesus are the light

So please dont judge me friends
im trying with my new guardian
for HE will love all of me
even the deviant inside and out
even if i dont know what to do
i will find as answer with him always
For God is all knowing all merciful

Where will i go?

Jannah is paradise
A garden
Some believe it to be the garden of eden
or similar
With rivers of wine and honey
But only the muslims go
They damn the jews
Because they dont accept Muhammed
They damn the christians and spit upon them
Because we worship the true God
I dont really know how to explain
Why i choose my lord and savior as the true God Jesus
but just like islam i had a feeling
do i damn my self for being muslim
no it taught me to have structure
structure is good for me
and well islam has it
But i couldnt going on denying myself
I felt a calling
like something was right
The wool was covering my sight
For i loved God so much
Because before islam i was dark and lost
I did not know no God just a silly belief made up to comfort me
But when I read the Quran I believe I found God maybe not the true one
But at the time christianty did not make sense to me
Allah was needed but as the years passed i became bitter because islam is not what it seems
But enough of that i found the true God now Allaha the father
My friend who curses me now was never my friend i believe now because we were friends before islam
so why because i have choosen the true path for my self maybe its true for me
because my heart says so
Jesus taught us to love one another as we would love our selves
you know turn the other cheek
Where Muhammad teaches an eye for an eye
Didnt you know that makes the world blind
Dont get me wrong i dont hate muslims or islam
I get bitter when people attack me
So i apoligize to they muslims that i said i hate you because you are stupid
because your not i was for saying so
Please oh Lord accept my words
I admit i dont know much about the bible
but its been a few years since i read scipture from it cover to cover
but now im just focusing on the lord for myself
They say im unstable
I'm irrational
That im manic
I think im becomeing such
but i was sound of mind
when i accepted christ into my heart
But my old friend says im stupid
Un stable
That just wants me to take the blade
Luckly i dont have any
But why should i resort to old ways
when Jesus my lord and savior died for me
all my sins now are replaced with a clean slate
because its diffirent now I see as the days go by
As the lord comes into my life more and more
Happiness is there
With God
So grasp not to the rope
but the rail
to that stairway to heaven\
for i finially seek it
because this jannah seems attainable
and at least i know my believers friends and family
will hopefully be there
by the grace of God
God willing

Friends

What have i done for you to hate me
Sure i deny Muhammad as a prophet
Im not hateful towards you
you are free to be who you are
until you hurt an inoccent
Take that person and charge them off a mountain
Slur them until they fall to their knees begging you to stop

I thought we were friends
I thought the 7 years of exchangeing info to eachother was funn
You told me you make friends for life
I got that from you
as I commit fully to friendship
But now i dont know what to say

Yes im not ashamed of who i am
I am irrational at times
but im rational enough to understand my flaws
I accept Jesus as my lord and savior
But im afraid of the hate that is being cursed upon me
I should only fear God who is almighty
But there is a diffirence between Allah and Allaha
Allaha is the father
Jesus the son refered to him as such
So I call upon you my lord

Please save me from myself
I am upset now
but with you i shall not wavier in this mighty wind
You are rightious and please take me to the garden the holy of holy places
So i reside with my lord
And I will see all those who truly love me
You my lord Save me from myself
That snicker is there

I know it was old dirty devil
causeing the hate in my friend
but im not curseing him
Because hate will destory you in the end
Darken you heart
Thats what that vile devil wants
For you to drift

But be strong
I try to be
Because you Jesus are my lord
And without you I am lost
In Jesus name we say
amen

Fallen

this is for those who are falling
Falling downwards
We try not to fall
our sorrows bring us to faults
Sometimes we lose our selves in reality
mins turn to hours and hours to days
Sleep is needed it calms the mind and gives the body rest

Sometime those who have fallen
its not their fault
that old dirty devil is at it again
snickering that laugh as we fall with the fallen

Pain is needed to be able to be human
what are we without a little pain
But as the pain deepens we lose faith

Worry not for your sanity is near it
For God is with you always
 Remeber our pain we have now is nothing compared to Him
For he felt all our pain and sorrow our sins washed overwards
As His blood was broken

We eat of his flesh of the lamb of God
Drink the life his holiness of blood
not in the literal sense my friend but think about it
Was God wrong to send his son to us
the forsaken

something to ponder on
So fallen what will you do now
will you witness the good news
to others around you
dont let that fault take hold of you
for that snicker isnt to far from you

God is just, God is loving
nothing is compared to him
so will you stand by
while our savior sacerficed his self for us
For that love in enternal to all those who please our Lord

So fallen will you stand
even if that pain is greater than what we can bare
For God the father does not givth pain greater than what we can bare
so have faith my friends
We are yet to fall for shaytan
We are yet to fully forsake ourselves

Good company?

so this is poem i wrote over a year ago but ill be sharing and few old ones here and there


Misery is my company
IT doesnt allow me to be happy
Happiness is an illusion
Its not attainasble

I was but a fool to think i can have it
There is the artifial dream of happiness, that is fueled by the medication
It doesnt last for long
Some have it longer than others
Maybe ever after when the flue changes
They the people of misery seek out the dream wanting it to be reality

So don't listen to "Them"
"They" are wrong, "They" just want the misery to consume you
To end you
To destory you

All I feel is regret
It not even that bad
If thats the case then why do I feel so bad
Why do I feel that "They" will win

Only time will tell if misery
Shall consume until nothing is left to breath
Finally the last breath is sought

Dont let it confuse you
I can set you free
Hopefully I wont be set free

For Hope overcomes all dismay

A little bit

So Today what did i do i spent on paltalk mostly discussing stuff i told an old friend that i became a christian and im afraid that im going to lose a really good friend, but i have met new friends much more gentle. they dont call the death for the zonists they hate west and speak against but hypocrites because they live in the west

Look muslims the west is based on christianty leave it alone, we dont need sharia im fine with demorcacy

Look this so called friends i may be murtad aposate kuffar munafiq but at least i have salvation unlike you every muslim shall go to hellfire

no thanks
I know when i was muslim i didnt care for jannah
but since i accepted christianty Jesus as lord and savior i has felt an inner warmth and i believe i was to go to heaven

thats my bit
for now

Fears

count your fears
devils at the door
rapping until you answer
wanting nothing but you to answer
as the door creeps open
Nafs flood into your soul good or bad
the devil doesnt care
But remeber that old dirty devil doesnt know all
Head through the door
up the stairs
Rope in hand as you grasp light shines
Remeber that lost love that was taken
That devil smiles as you ponder
hanging from that rope
you finally make it only brought back because its not your time so breath another breath
those nafs will brighten your path but darkness still wonders for his whisper rumbles
Worrie not for God is watching over you
He took that rope from you
he sent an angel to breath light into you
so worry not for God is on your side always

Hard for me

This is hard
My friends
I know since i left islam
That i have lost some friends
It the same as when i became a muslim
I lost family and friends
Now since i left
Im vocal about how islam deceives
But it was also good for me
Kept me from going astray
Getting into trouble was not for me afterwards
Now im just afraid of losing some really good friends
After all i make friends for life
Even my own flesh and blood looks at me diffirently now
I havent changed
I am still me
Lindsey remeber you are you
God said Be in the Quran
I know this God of the Quran is not the true one
because from what i read and felt his love was conditional
but Allah the father loved us so much he gave his begotten son to humanity
So please read about this with an open heart
I know it took me a while to relize how much "He" loves me
But He might know me and every fiber so he knows that
I love him
Jesus please i beg of you to save me from myself
Grant me new friends as i accept your grace into my heart
For once in my life i desire jannah the paradise
I dont know what took me so long
Maybe i just needed that love to reach my inner soul
For spirit mixes with the holyness of the holy spirit
I bask in this light
For its taken that rope from my grasp
Ya Allah the Father never forget me
I am here to serve you

insomia

dont you hate it when you lay in bed for two hours and not get a wink of sleep yea thats me so interwebs here i am awe and wonder you maybe a poem or two will come out of this so far im on paltalk looking for a room im cooking pasta and drinking a rockstar lol fail no wonder you have insomia but part of it is because im scared to sleep because of bad dreams, but dear sir and mam you say worry not because dreams dont usually come true well this one did dreamed paranioa and now im bloody well parinoid


but i left my house today went for ice cream with mymom and picked up my medication i have to remain stable because irrational thoughts flood the mind i know its irrational because when i start to believe self harm is in the right i need some help hense i called jon moore and booked an appointment to see him

oh night time what wonders do you bring

This is rational?

I am irrational
A being beyond rationality
I look to others for answers
as I do not trust myself
Recently I have come to conculsion
Would you like to know
As the actions I have in my mindset
I am proud to say i am a deviant
But even if i am
you cannot take God from me
I repent to him only
The father
Mighty and wonderus he is
For he loved us so he sarcficed his son
Jesus with your love for mankind
For you died for our sins
I repent to you oh thy Lord
I may be deviant and irrational at times
For you showed me what to be in the scripture
I am but a servant from beyond and over a rainbow
I have a many of questions to ask
And only You my Lord can answer