Balance

Where am I
Am I lost in this abyss once again
Able to cope for this time
I feel balanced of such emotions
Perhaps the medications helping
Only time will tell
But remember pills are not skills
Set your feet down and remember
As you ponder upon the night sky
A galaxy of emotions of abride you
Here I am sitting
Wandering and pondering upon the sky
Searching for my heart and soul
Here I cope
I feel a balance
As the Stars set
Burning brightly soul
Don't let hope be a memory
Let it rise in your heart
Bring up close to the light
As it burns everbrite
Here I am standing
Wandering upon the night sky
I'm able to cope
For pills are not skills
And cope I will
By worrying every emotion down pen-to-paper
Don't forget to write your heart out
Peace

Keep the Faith

Where am I
Lost in the abyss
Falling down into the ground
As a million emotions run through me
Have I forgotten Serenity
God gather me up
Save me from myself
Why am I burdened so
I feel as though gone not yet dead
But lost once again in the mist of the abyss
unable to cope
I reach out
and feel as though I'm rejected so
I cannot control my fate
So I leave to the all father
I struggle
I'm down but not dead
Will I be reborn
I ponder upon the nights sky
in this insomnia world
another night gone
morning here
up and adams
Time to start the day
With a smile
not just on the outside
but within thy mind
Turn that frown upside down
What will happen
As the mist rises
Things become more clear
is this Clarity
I think not
Never Safe
Never Sane
insanity is here and near to heart
I hear the beating of my heart rate
rapid as it can be
within the insanity
Shall I find bliss
within this new mist
Within another abyss
Shall I smile to go on another day
I live my life in solitude
for no one can accept me
I'm covered in scars
from head to toe
judge me so
Must I cut burn rip tear
keep this up
sure to be dead
unable to cope
So let us pray
Within him
We are free from the insanity
so keep the faith

having hope

Prairie Poet

To let the Crimson blood flow
Is that my destiny
Is it worthy to choose of this path
Up one way down another
These emotions are tiresome
They come and they go as a swift current into the Stream
Why must I beg for mercy from God
It seems to be an echo only meant for me
I Fall to my knees and I reckon it's me
I caused all this pain
Is it not fit that I feel it
What must I do next
Run to the old ways
Dare I say no
It's not meant to be
I feel it
The darkness The Emptiness the emotion
They say to fight the darkness and don't just fight but conquer the darkness.
I can't even conquer my own emotions
A prisoner Within These Walls
I bang on the walls as though they are nothing
But I built them up strong
Nothing can penetrate them not even me
Something that was meant to protect is now something
That bang
And another bang

Blood goes down my face
I'm near an end
Will just end my life for once
Will I live a life to wonder
I don't know what to do
I'm lost with in this fight

The light resides in the shadow
without the shadow of the light would not reside
So light shine bright
Overcome the darkness
Save me from it

All I am is lost for words
So this Mumble and jumbled
Hope light Darkness self harm self-love suicide reborn rebirth death life
So many things go through my mind

Have some hope

Prairie Poet

Tide

Tide Prairie Poet by Lindsey Lou
Where am I
Somewhere far too familiar
upon the edge
Ready to leap to death
Something pulls me  back
Something wanting more
Unbalanced are our moods
So they say
They Them
You know them well
Friends, Family, Loved Ones
Everyone who cares
There's this force that pulls inside
its uneasy like the tide
When I close my eyes and try to be mindful
Boy do I decay
As the storm is brewing
Round and around the emotions go
I find myself on this path of chaos
it's a cycle all too often
dare I break
Break the old ways
Conquer the darkness
Fight the good old fight
Only to have the battle another day another minute
What matters is now
What I want most
it's Clarity
Serenity
Happiness
Happiness is here near and dear
Often do I wonder
upon a starry sky
Is this the wonder I wanted
I strived so long
for it
Happiness
now that's it's here
Unknown is the future
Unknown is tomorrow
Plan and construct
Time will tell the tale

never

Never Ever
I wrote this warning I talk again about cutting I Lindsey Lou reflect on my writing as raw emotions that run through me.

Where Do I stand
Unable to conquer the fight
I'm here and yet I'm Broken
beyond repair
Dare I say
Unable to cope
until this time
I'm warped beyond repair
here I stand
Shattered to millions upon billions of pieces
Humpty dumpty
Roll me on up
Piece by piece
I'm here
near and dear
One thing that matters
is hope
Because
without it we are truly lost
but yet not beyond repair
that light flickers in darkness
as the cold wind tries to blow it out
it shines brightly
Where am I
But on the journey
Of building
Tidy up the mess
My mind
is in chaos
as havoc runs the place
one two three four
one medication two and three more
one cut
two cut
what will it take to STOP
I'm here and dear
not yet dead
writing my heart out
pen to paper
fingers to keyboard
I'm here
near
and dear
I'm here to bring good cheer
even if your down
remember that
to Conquer the darkness
never give in
even in the darkest night
there is light
so in the heart
I a Reckon
that the light shall reside
as that old devil tries to blow out the light
as its shines ever brightly
So Hope for tomorrow

So tomorrow doesn't fade

Thinking

Thinking
Poem on emotions
Just a thought on what I been thinking about lately
Here I am
Within the midst of happiness
Where am I but surrounded in a meadow of glitter and light
Here there is no need
for despair
Those that arise here are at peace
What Am I
As I fall to reality
here I am
Standing
Waiting for the chaos
Happy Sad Mad Lost Worried
All at once
up down all around
shake shake shake shake
I am sickened with worry
This stresses me
I'm so stressed
That my mind screams and causes tyranny
Why must this be
in this Insanity
Don't threaten me
Your wrong
I am Right
Here I am
As I scream against the insanity
as I fall to my knees
I sob within each small whisper
touches me
I'm Lost within my mind
Whispers turn to the voices
I'm left pondering into the night skies
Remember I'm me
yes indeed
within the insanity
Free to define who I am
I want to be at Peace
Instead the battle goes on
Win a battle here or there
but the War never ends
The consent struggle
Shall I forever be forsaken from society
Maybe this is what meant to be
It will not stop me from being me
Happy 
Sad
Mad
Worried
Fear defines our hearts
and true self shows it face
be ugly or...
You are Beautiful
Because I'm Beautiful 
I lat my head to rest
as I fall into serenity
close my eyes
to drift and dream
to escape reality
only to arise another day
Like a blank Canvas 
Blend your ink to the page
Write your heart out
Conquer the fight

your you are Right

happy depressed

Happy and Depressed
This is something I been thinking on the past few days I started a new medication been on for a few months and its finally helping, don't get me wrong i still get depressed but its manageable now
Where am I?
Wishing upon a star
On a starlight sky
Feeling too much is a wonder
What will this current outcome be
I fall to my knees begging the powers that be to cure from this insanity
I'm left alone to bargain with that old devil
He is here in the heart
Never wanting to let go
His claws deep into your soul
Never was there to help
I take my soul to be burden free
This insanity binds me
Happiness is here
and that old devil losses his grip
The medication finally helps
One Pill
I reckon
Its been a long war
but it's not yet done
I cut and burn
Soon will it consume my every being
Not if I stay on this current path
I got the skills
to conquer the pills
Means nothing to my skills
For real
Remember to be mindful enough to ground
I'm sitting here
Pondering
Wondering
Wandering
Steady my heart rate
For the devils
Let me be free
The Dank Darkness
Is gone for now
Happiness is here
Near and dear to the heart
Let the happiness consume the mind
Time will tell

Be patient...

manic panic

Manic Panic
My mind is on the railroad
Running to the end
Hurt me
Define me
Label me
So lost do I feel
Why must I feel this way
Does this Define me
This labels that be
Understand me not
Dare to Judge
Do not worry
I will not tread on you
What I am
That defines me
I am me
Within this insanity
Bottle me up
suppress
Its me
Understand me
What Am I
If I don't even understand myself
How can you know
Have you walked a mile in my shoes
You hurt me so
I'm Raw
It defines me
I feel lost
Within the midst
I thought I was on the mend
Now I'm clouded
Within the mind
Unable to cope
I resort to what worked before
No
Not right
Behavior not right
Happiness but a burden in return
For the Mania is dear and near
Pushed to the end
Mad Sad Happy Depressed Angry
I'm on a warpath
When will it end?
Until I close my eyes
A new day
Arises a desire to want
To Strive
To be alive
To live
To breath
To be me even within my destiny
Of the insanity

Here to Stay...

Fire within

Where am I
I'm lost in this abyss
The mania of controls my soul
On the war path of destruction
What will come from this

So much chaos in the heart

within the midst

do you define me

that lasts within me

I am me

even within the insanity

What will come

Even in the mist

of Reality

Do I define who I am

insane in the membrane

I reckon that within this bliss

of the insanity of thy mind

I'm lost

I'm done 

I'm right no wrong

Shall I take the last breath

Shall I go down the river

To let the crimson blood river flow

Nor is this right

But within this night

as the emotions become unbearable

beyond repair

I want to live

I want to breath

I want to be at peace

Instead chaos is here

unable to cope

I tread

I'm dead inside

The fire that be inside of me

BE me

Journey

God I ask thee
To redeem me
I reckon it's time
To submit to you
Journey through the darkest day
Let your light shine upon me

Let the praise lift me up
So that I may worship you
I'm stuck in the bunker
Strapped down to bind me

I trying to worship thee

I'm stuck in a funk

Let your light shine upon me
Redeem my heart

With this light
My bonds are broken
And I rise to The light

Though my journey through the darkest day
Had reckoned me
My heart is light
Ready to plea

Ready set go
I'm in a race
To the finish
You my Lord
On your throne
You welcome my heart

Even my tarnished being
Brings me closer to you

Jesus Christ
My Lord and Savior
Hope you bring
This race to an end

I'm knockin on heavens gate

I'm being sucked down to the darkest days
Holding on to the handles of the gate
Screaming to let me
Yet I fall
Heaven knows I'm miserable

Soon a light bursts into the misery

Bringing bliss
Jesus hold my hand
Bring Hope to me
In your name we pray
Even in the darkest hour
There be knockin at destiny door
That is you my Lord
Bring light to me
In your name we pray
Amen
Redeem
I reckon

No happenings

So I submitted a poem on a website and now its been selected to go in a book

im also posting on a friends site my newer poems

check it out

https://wp.me/p75QfI-kg

Rhythm To Mayhem

Here I am in this Everlasting Light
Pondering where the outcome Maybe
Stressing on the world wonders indeed
When I go about stressing on you stressing on me stressing on everything you see
It's the balance of insanity
The hallucinations are here
The glimmer and glimmer so nothing can show but them
Tiny slanted faces as they say they be
Whispering just whispering as they stare so Stanley
It's strange to be in a type of hallucination as this
My vision is flawed all I see this them
They be the faces
Ever staring Evermore
I don't know how to conquer these
One Med to med 3 Med four all don't care to mend anymore
I'm stuck here in this insanity
Wanting nothing more but to take the blade and let the Crimson blood flow as I gasp for air
This is irrational thinking
But what's better fit for an irrational being like me
Here I am stuck in this cycle of Chaos
Go up up up up to Cloud 9
As we stare back at our body we drift and move with Society
but here on cloud nine there isn't a expectations
Some people say why don't you just believe in God
Why do believe in God
but I'm still stuck in this Insanity of my mind  and not the proper serotonin
God made me this way
I beg and cry and ask God to Save Me From Myself
But never am I saved
I'm here to wrestle my reality
1 pill 2 pill 3 pill more
That's the sanity
No Cloud 9
Not with these
No insanity no emotion no depression
Zombify me
Dare I say
That insanity is me it defies me
It is me the insanity in the membrane
There is no stopping me
Unstoppable undroppable
I challenge you to come to me with your sanity and show that it's with me
In the end I'm here I mean forever in this insanity

Everlasting Love

Love how do we comprehend it
It's so tarnished feeling
So we look to the Lord
To bring Grace to our hearts
His love is everlasting
Glory to him alone
Let his love flow unto me
As I bask in this light
I reckon this is for me
No more harm to be done on me
For this serenity
Is for me
Let me shout
In the mountains top
Jesus you are my Lord and Savior
You died for us
You paid the sin if not just today but past present future
I want to be with you
But I feel so slunken
The depression is here
Bearing my soul
I reach for you
My Savior
Remember I'm not perfect
I never been here before
I'm truthful
I'm sure
With this love I can conquer my spirit and soul
To be reborn
Born again
To I confess to you
My Lord and Savior
Bring me serenity
In his name we pray
Amen

Basking in the light

Here we go
On the path to Clarity
Oh lord almighty shine your light upon me
 I call upon you to show me the way
I know I'm not the best
not the greatest at this moment
but with your spirit and your light
I shall conquer all that hits me
no more cutting
no more strikes
no more burn

It will be hard to change
but with you
I shall pass this phases of self harm

I will not try
But do

I'm in this abyss
until your light shines upon me
up up we go in the end
past cloud 9
up to the golden gates
With the book of life
I shall redeem myself

The best of deeds are the smallest of deeds

I'm redeeming myself as we speak

I bask in your light Lord Christ Jesus Lord almighty Father and with that the holy ghost
shall bring spirit and grace
upon me
I am reborn
I am born again
for i was lost in the abyss

Oh Lord I call upon your life that you shed for us
To bring into clarity
and serenity
this is what is needed
to bask in light
warmth
and to battle the darkness
to conquer it
but without you I'm truly lost
to a plea with you stay close to me
in your name we  pray
Amen

Pleading

Where am I
I filled the folds of the Mist closing on me
I'm left here to wallow in my emotions
Unable to cope
I Fall to my knees pleading for God to save me
Instead I'm left with the shroud of emotion
But God works Within Me
every time I don't take the blade to my skin I overcome that devil that's deep inside my heart
Don't touch the flame to the skin
I want to fight but I feel that it's already conquered my heart
I don't know what to do anymore
I want to fight but I'm tired
I want to breathe deep breaths
But I'm suffocating choking on every emotion that runs through me
Rapid are these emotions
People think that I cut because I'm angry at myself
That's not the case it's because I feel rapid emotions and if I inflict pain then it's a controlled emotion
I have many badges on my arm
I wear my heart on my sleeve
This is my destiny
I don't know what to do
So I leave it in the hands of the Lord
And make Dua to him
Remember dua what is supplication to God
Prayer is giving light to God
He is the Conqueror
He is the champion
He is worthy of worship
And itself he is Lord
I prayed to thee
Even within this insanity
Shall I bring myself closer to God
First we need to throw away the blades
But I find myself holding on to them longer than I want too
Unable to shake these feelings I left in the abyss
What show comes of my soul my heart my every being
Mercy is needed
And with that you will find it with your lord Christ Jesus the one and only
So let's say
Jesus my Lord and Savior
Bring me closer to you and the father
Bless me with the Holy Spirit
Bring me closer to you and the spirit
Save me from the insanity
The anger is deep down inside
Unable to cope I cut
Please give me the strength to overcome this
maybe I'm just speaking to myself and not even a god
Bringing myself back to reality
In your name we pray
Amen

Fragile

Where am I
Lost within the abyss
knowing only what i think i want to know
doubting him
the everlasting soul

Standing here
I hang my head in sorrow
I clench my fists

Boom Pow Bang
Explosion happening now
My rage goes on
Making a fist
now knowing what to do with all this hate

So i devastate myself
Impacted to my skull
hoping it hits my soul my spirit
I dead inside
I lost in the mist
in this abyss

I strike once again
my fists are bloody
yet I go on and on again
one two three four five....
Thirteen
So many
be them cuts
Burns
Devouring
Striking

Its all self harm

Its not needed
As the badges on my arms help me recover so
Their reminders that no matter how much pain i feel
I'm tough
I'm strong
You going to hurt me
I beat you to it
1 2 3 4
slide across the scars
make more and more

Soon
Time will only tell

I am lost in this abyss
I feel this emotional pain
All the time
its behind every cheer smile chuckle

once again i wake up each time i loose reality

where am I
is cloud 9
do not deny me
cloud 9 ever lasting reality
Cloud 9 bring me close to you
in this reality

No its not real
its not right
its wrong but right

Why must i argue so within my soul

Coping

I'm falling into the abyss
Unable to cope, my faith withers
Beyond repair
I have forsaken my soul
Nothing is clear
I'm lost, I'm stuck, I'm the edge Walker
Shall I leap into the darkness

I don't know what to do, I'm bitter
Unable to share this love and Glory Of the God
He is lost within my mind,  me my myself
To rationalize this feelings
But instead
I ready the blade
As each tear drop turns to bloody mess

What will happen next
Shall I sit here pounding till the end
By then
It we'll be to late
Have mercy on me, I Reckon
I'm right, In this light
Shall it reside in my heart
But not break the boundaries in my mind

As I sit at the edge of the Abyss
I Ponder and wander and wonder
What will overcome this Darkness within thy heart
What will overcome the darkness that overcomes the bitterness
And with the bitterness comes the doubts

So I'm left here pondering wondering wandering
Shall I stand and take a leap, shall I sit back and Ponder
Only time will tell

Everlasting tug-o'-war

Rip and burn I'm in this Everlasting tug of war
Does anyone care that I scream on the inside
You criticize me as though I am no one
And no one has a seem to be
I am limitless in my desire
Unable to rationalize
Letting the irritability rise
Having Havoc conquer the heart
What shall I do now
I just want to go across the river
The burn the flesh so slightly so
These are the old ways
I scream in my heart is so no one listens
Boy am I wrong
There is but one that listens
That is he the most high that is God may you find him now
I am told that I need to speak to God more often
I only speak to God when I'm forsaking myself
I'm lost in the abyss barely reaching the surface for air
Tarnished in my soul
Many scars burden my body
Round up those badges on my arms
unable to face the persecution of those eyes that watch me
a friend said to me that I have to stop listening to those around me and start focusing on me and my serenity

hi my name is Lindsey hi my name is borderline hi my name's rage hi my name is depression

let those labels Roll On by they do not Define me and I know who I am deep inside
for I hope that my deed that I do for others inhumanity bring a Serenity to our hearts
I do good deeds regardless of the reward I do good deeds because it's the right thing to do
But I rather do a good deed to someone else then do a good deed to myself
So I'm left here in the abyss struggling for air unable to cope
depression is taking its toll and confliction of the Heart Is Here whatever shall I do

Only Time Will Tell
As  time is endless

Unknown for emotion

It hurts so much I don't know what to do
Unable to cope I don't know what to do
Unable to reach out because it feels like it's devastating so
Here I am standing at the edge of the ledge
On edgewalker so to say
My community hates me so as they devastate me with their words
I hate being looked at as an object
Just a sexual item for someone else

I'm so much more than that I'm a person
A personality a spirit
Why must you forsaken my soul with your tyranny
Why must I go on remembering such painful events
The pain hurts so much
Unable to cope
I want to resort to the old ways
I want to live for tomorrow
I want to cut every emotion out of my soul
The Scars Burn me so
why would I want to damage myself more when I have nerve damage in both arms
Comfort is hard to come by these days
I'll be happy one moment and then the next up fall down to my knees and scream in the insanity
Only time will tell if it will get better
Life seems so hopeless at the moment
I feel worthless
I'm lonely even when surrounded by company
I'm lonely in a crowd of screaming people
I scream as though no one can hear me the world is deaf to me
Why must the pain hurt more then the need for serenity
I want to drink away my worries but alcohol is a depressant and doesn't do any good
I want to slice and dice until there's nothing left but that doesn't help and never have and never will
People say why the negative thinking I don't know how to think any other way at the moment
I don't choose the years emotions as they run rapidly through me
I'm lost in the insanity
So I write in the right my heart out indeed
Maybe this will bring more clarity to the heart
Maybe it's better to keep your faith in God
And do supplication
Prayers needed
Save Me From Myself oh Lord Almighty
For I'm my worst enemy
No one can harm me as I already have harmed myself in this insanity
1 * 2 * 3 for more
Only time will tell as the hour clock ticks and tocks
Save Me From Myself I scream inside my heart
Only to be silented by the emotions
I'm lost it not worth to be found
Reach out they say
What's the point when someone doesn't understand
When you explain your depression your despair your aniexty
often do I hear the reply I don't know how to say to you how to cope with your emotion
so I'm left in this Insanity doing the same thing over and over again and wanting different results insane in the membrane indeed
Time goes by so slowly
as 1 hour goes it feels like 5 million years go by
I'm lost not yet dead not ready to live

Mockery

When has this become a mockery
One who goes through hardship
Is never a laughing matter
Just because my illness is off the mind
Doesn't mean you can devastate me
This just adds to the insanity
But no one can help me
I can only help myself with the techniques that defy me
We gain skills for a toolbox and we walk the path we are carpenter like the prophets before us
Even if this is metaphor
We reconstruct our minds but it doesn't change the fact that we still have it chemical imbalance
Allah put it here
It is part of my struggle
My jihad
But whatever doesn't hurt you can only make you stronger in the end
and with the strength We Gather inside us to help our fellow Humanity in the next step
But first we must put our faith in God so he would love us so so we could love ourself
to have a definition of love for self is that life inside of the heart
My illness of the Mind defies me so harshly
next time you open your mouth to speak use your mind have empathy for your fellow human being
Where all the creation of Our Lord Love Thy Neighbor
That's what I love myself
I have empathy for Grand than anything I've ever seen before me
I'm told when I'm in the facility that I have too much empathy for another patient
Does I be more empathy on self
My advice to you and anyone that dares to mock us again
To open your mind to think outside the box to try to walk a mile in someone else's shoes
just because my illness is invisible doesn't make it anything else than what it should be
So do your research before you open your mouth
Remember words are more harsh than you can believe
So Reach Out And Touch soul

Released desire

Here I am
Starting over again
And again
Struggling with the desire of the bottle
I get thirsty
I crave it
But my rational mind
Processes this logic
And I abstain

The drink of forbidden deeds
It suggests
It destroy your heart and soul
Bring you away from God
Stray from the path

Why must I stay in this insanity

Nearly six months of sobriety
Only to lose myself in the mania
Where desires rule my heart

I wish I never took that drink

I twist and turn
My mind is lost
Only time will tell
Am I worth it
Oh God I ask you
Save me from this sanity
Ameen

Another time another day
Remember easy does it
Love self love God let go

God grant me sanity in serenity
Let the knowledge grow into wisdom
So that we don't fear the Unknown
Courage is needed
Never give up
Keep on striving
One day at a time

Even within insainty

Stand here in the Abyss
Holding into the blade that holds onto my heart so strongly
Unable to Cope for these rapid emotions that run through me in this insanity
Perhaps only time will tell if we wait for fate to overcome this
Because God doesn't give anything we cannot handle and there is cure for everything
Just because we haven't found it just doesn't mean its not there
God willing
I will show you all the badges on my arm like I'm not afraid to confess that I'm here and I'm free to be me even in this insanity
It ruptures my heart
Up in the sky so high i shine brightly on cloud nine
In this cloud its like heaven its nearly here
I fall down the stairs
No place for someone so tarnished as me

The blade that holds me tightly next to me
I hold tightly under my pillow
Only to hold to my wrist
I hold to my skin I want nothing but too devastate myself

Bring me closer bring it closer to the heart
I confess within my will
It doesn't change anything  used to help  but not it causes more tarnished more worthlessness and loneliness

I can be surrounded by everyone i know and be by everyone but that doesn't change that i Hate my self so harshly and love my self so lightly

I confess its hard to just BE

Help me in this insanity
So i call upon you oh God almighty
Save me from myself
Guide me to the narrowest straightest path
For the open door is wide and bountiful

We must strive in this life so we can overcome the challenges that we face
As the fate goes on till the end of our time
Until we are resurrected to meet our Lord to know our outcome in this eternal life of ours

I dropped my noose into the abyss
Climbing the stairs its not to far
Stairway to heaven well i go to the light or reside in this reality to keep on striving to keep on living to keep on being

I leave you with this
Oh Allah grant me serenity within my heart I confess that you the only one for me
In this insanity to bring on in Clarity on the path to Serenity So i confess once again you are the only God worthy to worshipped by me
I will worship even within this insanity
Ameen

Clarity over comes Insanity

I'm falling
i don't want to be this way
why cannot not i strive for the good
instead i follow the deadly deeds
of the insanity

Oh Allah
I call upon you
to grant me serenity
clarity to the insanity

I fall to my knees
and call upon  you
for dua only to you
alhamduillah
for you Allah and the Noble Quran
Thank you for revealing it to Prophet Muhammad SAW
he was gentle and kind
the best of the best
Alhamduillah
he the seal of the prophets
who would be better than Muhammad SAW

La illah Allah
I love you of Allah
Even when i don't love my self
I feel your serenity
so i pray
to you only
your the only one who understands
Allahu Allim
Only God knows
what will come tomorrow
so live for today
and bring good cheer
the smallest of deeds are the best of deeds
Remember a smile is a kindness and good deed

Here come the GODHEAD

He slumbers within me
and he breaths with me
each breath i draw he is with me
i fall to my knees
screaming insanity
Hoping for no more
Unfortunate to carry the blade

Slice and dice
Heat up that the flame
burn that flesh
prepare for hellfire
the stairs go downwards

not for me
heaven knows I'm miserable now
unable to cope so i cut rip and burn
I reach out
I am destined for disaster
I'm a burden so
everyone grows tiresome of me
within this humanity

Why
must
I
Drown in emotions
They rip and tear through me

I'm done
I'm finished
ready the blade
I scrabble up the stairs
To the kitchen i go
Shall I do the dirty deed
and rid myself of the insanity

Hes awake now
and he whispers
and if i cover my ears he gets close
and screams inside my head
Is he the God for me

I want to stay on the path
of righteous
but here listening to the GODHEAD
i confess i never worshiped him
but he is not comforting
hes been here a long time
and nothing stops him
hes sleeping
one med two med three more
swallow the darkness
because the light burns you
tarnished i am

What will i confess to yet
do i believe
i do indeed
in the one God indeed
Allah the all merciful
Why must i suffer within the insanity
is it a jihad just for me
its destroying me
unable to cope
as the emotions run in and out
my sanity is near
within salah dua dkhr
but i did this once before its only temporary

Cut
Rip
Burn
repeat
Cut
Burn
Rip
one cut two cut three and four

More and more badges on my arms

what will i do
I'm so lost
even within your divinity

I'm forsaken
I'm beautiful
even in the burden of a mind

Hes close
i scream
but I'm silent
tied to the bricks
within my mind I'm stuck with him
unable to reach out
so i write
and write that heart out
bring peace to me
even within the insanity

This will be Now

I stand falling to my knees
I as I prostrate to thee
Allah almighty
I must confess to you with my heart
this pain
this monster than lies deep within me
Is here with me even within the sanity that is with you
Something familiar arises in thy soul
dare i say who
He conquers me so
I seek refuge in you oh Allah
because remember dua is the best

He still lingers
Of my mind
unable to cope
So dare i say
I'm free to be me within this insanity

he snickers and suggests and demands
tears run rapid down my cheers my eyes water
no time for tears
I'm ashamed
I'm not worth it
I'm tarnished
beyond repair

Why even bother saving me

I confess though in my heart and soul
that your the only God for me
not him
not his suggestions are unjust
unlike you oh Allah
you are loving
Merciful
Forgiving
Just
Without you the world truly would be lost

I feel lost within emotions
my heart says Islam is the way but i still doubt self
how can one love self 100%
not attainable for me
not yet
never

Oh Allah
Save me from my self
purify my heart
bring the Rage to Bliss
unable to conquer the darkness
left to fight tis battle on wards
its truly my jihad my struggle the insanity
i don't think anything else but you will help
Even now I don't want to be
even in this sanity I drift
and doubt
so remember you always in dkhr
you are the only one worthy of worship
One God One Love One Life

I seek refuge in Allah From the accursed Satan
Ashadu la illah allah ashadu muhammedan rusuallah
Allahu akbar
With you
I Cannot this alone
so in remembrance to you only I will try and try again
and return to you always...

Time will tell

Millions of emotions run through me
Like the current of life source
I ran so far
For so long
Only to find you again
I could only deny for so long
Before I confessed
To you alone
Then to another
Soon time will tell
If I bask in everlasting Noor
Aquire I'll
Apply it
To mold the outcome
To positively potential
To please you Allah
Nothing else matters

Conflicted

Something formilar
Not like anything else
Thane in the membrane
Will I be able to over come it
Darkness is here
Light is Knocking at the souls door
The devil opens
Curses
Telling light to piss off
This is his soul
Tarnished
Defeated
Devistated
Unable to cope
I resort
To the blade and flame
The course is uncertain
Where will I be
Only one thing sought
Peace of mind

Lost in Ilm

A blast from the past
This feeling of hope
Prefer in the heart
Bringing clarity
My heart yearns for it
So many years
If trying to forget
Only to lighten the heart
As I recite
Not enough dedication to care
I'm not free
I'm not happy
I'm loved
But don't love myself
How is this possible
Only as my mind wanders do
Those Snickers come stronger
Whispers in the heart
Glimmers in the light of color
Destructive me
I know truth
I know haq
I know what resides in my heart
I'm wrapping my arms around me
As I fall to the ground forsaken me
Unable to comprehend
I'm lost but not yet dead
On the path to ilm
Always

Giving up

This Darkness is here
It crumbles my heart
Unable to cope
I resort to the old ways
Everyone leaves
No time for me
They grow tired of me
They are right
I grow tired of me too
I'm not meant to go on
What is the point
If all I feel is hate
Destruction of my heart
Those whispers grow stronger
Time turns slowly
The hour clock moves back
I'm left to conquer
Unable too
Why must I go on
I don't love myself anymore
No one loves me

Lost in a haze

Often do I find my mind set lost in emptiness
The vast majority of emotions
They are out of me
Left with the insanity
What to do
Left here left there
Left my badges
In reality people look at me
And judge me so
Slowly on that insanity
As each badge forms it's way
That deep pain
If set mind
I cannot comprehend
What is this?
Destroy me
Devastate me
Damage everything
I don't know what to do
As I'm running out of rope
Hanging a noose
As I stand
Pondering
Trying to fight
Don't just fight but conquer
I'm running out of skills
Rampet on the craze
Sanity far from me
In this haze
Dare to say
I'm here
I'm free
Left without regret
I'm done not yet dead

Another Battle Another Day

Tick tick tick
My heart rates up
Slice away the night
I slumber only to be awaken
By the fright of night
It's 1 am
I'm barely stable
I take anything that I need
To devastate me
Destroy me
Went should I protect me
When chaos is in the midst
The cycle goes on
I did this
Yes me
Insane in the membrane
Unable to cope
So I take my blade
And slice and dice
Why not follow the river
Let the flood Gates open
Why must I reach out
It's never good
It's never right
About the fight
To the death
To the endless darkness
Emptiness in near and dear
Shall I fight
To conquer the battle once more
In this endless war
The mind cannot bend
Unable to rationalize
Unable to cope
Here I am in my solitude
Ready to jump
To my death
My train is running out of tracks
Light is a knockin
Darkness meets light
And they cannot exist without another
Shall I see the light
Or be consumed in ever lasting darkness
So here I am standing
Ready to rumble
Fight the night
Fight the darkest day
Until those pills get the skills
Even running out of time
Tiresome it can be
Even within my insanity

Shattered

I feel it
Inside my heart
This deep abyss
Of emotions
Run through me
Swallow the light
One pill two three four
Right now
Where am I?
But stuck in the quick sand
I'm melting in the Emotions
As they rip through me
Cut deep enough
Little one
Your afraid to feel
To let the emotions show
Why do the tears burn me so
They begin to swell
Is this hell?
Bring up the light
The whispers shake my every being
What the hell
Time for some cuts, some Burns, and bruises.
What will come of these
Nothing good
I know this
But I shake as every drop of treat shatter my soul
I fall into a million pieces
Humpty Dumpty got nothing on me
I'm shattered
I try to rebuild
But I'm broken
Beyond repaired
Sulk
Fall to my knees
I'm forsaken
Tarnished
Ready me up
No longer heaven bound
On a railroad to the end
Even though I'm here
I'm free
Write my heart out

Reminisce

They say
Fight the darkness
Reminisce in the light
Let it consume your heart and soul
Don't spend so much time in your mind alone
It's dangerous
The railroad never ends
In this cycle of chaos
I fight
But it gets tiresome doesn't it
No matter how hard I try
If I would die
Right here right now
Build me up
I'm better than the emptiness
It shakes my every being
Let's focus
Fight pass the freedom
Falling to my knees
Screaming to God
Why must I suffer?
What will happen?
When will I be free from this insanity?
Tick tock tick tock
Time moves slowly here
#36
Hear me cheer
Do a 360*
Down surely not dead
Up down up down
I'm on a free way
Running from everything
I want the light
But I'm here inside thy mind
It's dangerous
Caution at the door
He sneaks
He whispers
He laughs
That old devil
Cut away the pain
Break the pattern
I'm lost
I'm free from reality
Lost in an abyss
I want to reminisce in the golden light
Five minutes left
I'm near the end
Go through those Gates
Down the tunnel
Hell on Earth
Is the insanity inside my mind
I want to be gone
Hopefully my dreams well come true
Trigger me now
Let me break free
I should be able to choose
Life or death
Only time will tell
Suffocate
Break
Breath
Grounded
Mindfulness
All skills
Useless in the hour of now
Tick tock
It's time to hold that barrel to my temple
Until then

Half past four

It hurts me hard
In the endless night
Another night with insomnia
Tick tock tick tock
I last in bed with my eyes shut
Hoping my slumber captures my mind
Unfortunately
Darkness is here
Once I wake
The insanity arises
On the railroad to the end
Cut
Burn
Save me from the emotions
They are rapid
Unable to comprehend the self hate
I lay still
Waiting for my angels to save me
They never come
I'm left with internal Carnage
Tick tock tick is half past 4 am
My thoughts are rapid
I cannot stop this hate
Anger is my heart
And a new hurt comes
Punching
Bash
Shake
Break
Why must it be this way
I write and write
To fight the fight
I'm broken tonight
Must be
To be insane
They say reach out
I still feel like the burden
Perhaps
My feelings are what I truly am
Unable to cope
It's nearly 5 am
What will happen to me
In this chaos
Small whisps
Come to my heart
Are they part of me?
Will they conquer me?
Flick that Bic
The pain
Brings me back to reality
Unfortunately I'm left with destruction of the pillars
That save me
What the hell
Reach out
Breath deep
Suffocate
As you swallow the light
To break the night
It's nearly sunrise
Right
Until next time
Break the darkness
The emptiness
The chaos
I'm free to be me
Even within my insane membrane

The first wave

Where to go from here
Blast off into the sea of emotions
The waves move slowly but surely
Sadness
Had found me
I find it so tiresome
That I try to slumber away my pain
I slumber
Suffocate to the max
As I Choke on my words
Stressed to the max
Another wave hits
Anger
It's something I don't want to admit
It shakes me so
I feel my blood boil
As the blood pressure rises
What to do with the intensity
I clench my fists
Ready to strike
Until the next wave hits
Rage
I feel the tears run down my face
Ashamed so from them
Something that I don't want to admit
Something that reflects the soul
I don't want to feel this way
It's not me
Even within this insanity
Next wave
Shame
Self doubting thoughts
Small whispers in my heart
Sinking me to a deeper mood disorder
I finally understand why must I shatter my soul
My heart beats to the rythm
I'm drowning
These Emotions run rampid in my heart
Unable to cope
More and more waves hit me so
Sadness, rage, doubt, shame, hate.
Where to go
Run little girl run
Run little boy run
They Snicker
As the whispers...
Conquer me so
I take my head to the clouds and try to cope
But nothing send to help
1 2 3 4
Nothing will happen
As long as he plays
The good ole tune
There fiddle is ready
For that old devil
I'm ready to end it
But hope keeps me at Bay
Even within my rage
Within my insane membrane
Hope don't loose your grasp
For it could save a life or two

Never give up

You shook me
With your words
They hit my heart so
Unable to comprehend the pain
Unable to dig through the trench
I feel shattered
What the hell
I want to be complete
There seems to be missing pieces
I pounder into my spirit
What is reality
I am unable to search
It shakes my every being
So I cut
I burn
In this insanity
It's not the best way
Not a good way
I hurt those around me
Unable to cope
The Foundation is cracked
I don't want to self harm
At this moment in the ward
I feel safe
But a million Emotions run though me
Like a current
The river the river what to do
Jump and swim with the current
Or drown in the abyss of emotions
They rip through me
Leaving the emptiness to be dealt with
I'm left in the darkness
Alone
Unable to cope
But light comes on by
Because even in the darkest night
The stars shines bright
Glory Glory
Save me from the insanity
Insane in the membrane
Don't fret
Light is a knockin
Hope is near by
Ready my skills
I am me
Reach out
Express
Write your heart out
Never give up

Almost gone

Why must I suffer so
Feeling like these tears
That swell behind my eyes
Running down my cheeks
Streaming
Unable to control
Unable to cope
I feel the rage within my fists
Strike myself so
Rage fills my aniexty so
Fixated on the desires
Unable to give l control my emotions so
Unable to cope
Unable to breath
I'm stuck here
Within these walls my even though I want to take a trip down the river.
Not across the bridge
But down the stream
What the hell am I doing
What the hell
Glimmer within my sight
They bring a fright
What an I to do
Give in
Cope
Breath
Stay grounded
Unable to breath
I'm suffocating
I just want this pain to end
Until then I'm stuck on the railroad
To the end
Point the pistol to the temple
Explosion
Hit the floor
I'm gone
I'm dead
I'm finally free

Safety safety

I stare at myself
As the wheel turns
In the cycle of chaos
Cut me harshly
Burn me ever so
Safety safety I need to be
As I blink
Disaster floods the mind
I'm suffocating
Hold my breath
Deep breaths
I finally know
What causes me to enter chaos
It's I within my mind
I'm not safe
It's me inside my spirit my every being
Knowledge can be useless
If you don't know how to use what you have gained
I know I'm am chaos, irrational, insane.
But lastly I'm free to be me
The problem is clear
It's worth my mind
The solution is key
What is it
Where is it
Why must I been lost in the abyss
Star child
Distant star to the universe
Maybe I need to strive
Against my every being
I want to drive the needle to my skin
Be high in the sky
Up to cloud nine
I need to fight
Fight the good ole fight
So the war seems bearable
I want to die
Honestly at this moment in time
I'm blind and deaf
But surely not dumb
Do not take my for a shaman
Nor a role model
I'm broken
Waiting to be fixed
But I will not lose myself inside the cycle of chaos.
I'm worthwhile
I'm beautiful
I'm free to be me

For Elena

Friend where are you
I see that your hope withers so
I been tháere
Down but not dead
On a railroad to the end
Paradise not to far
, What to do now
I stare blankly at you
Holding you close
Your spirit is beautiful
Chaos clouds the mind from time to time
Remember
To reside in the light
To fight the darkness
It may seem like a dead end
But your heart is pure as it can be
Even within the Insanity
Fight hard in this battle
For the war goes on
I love you for now and every more
Your eyes stare inside my soul
Serenity is near
Just reach for it
Reach out
I am here
To comfort you

Monster within me

What the hell am I doing
I'm lost in the abyss
I must confess
That I'm stuck in the darkness
But perhaps I'm in the best place
Up down all around
What to do from here
I feel like my slate is blank
Only to fuck up my life more
As each hour goes on by
Time moves slowly
Rapid emotions on the track to destroy my heart and soul
Cut away the pain
I'm stuck in the abyss
The emptiness lurks here
As it consumes me
Is it my destiny
Perhaps not perhaps maybe so
The monster I am that I feel inside me
Cut deep into my skin
To release the demons
Every scar
Is a story to tell
What the hell am I doing
Not too tricky
Perhaps
I'm stuck on this cycle
Chaos is my domain
Am I supposed to choose
Chaos or Clarity
I'm done
I'm free
Even within my insanity
I want to feel the peace inside me
But instead I'm left
To devour the emotions
And be blank
One can only wish
Unfortunately
Rapid emotions
Depression
Darkness
Emptiness
Rule my fate
No long a blank slate
Darkness has settled
What hell
Let the monster loose
She is the beast
She claws me
Self reflection
I am me
Free to be
Even within my insanity

Surviving Time

This pain runs deep
Within my body and soul
It shakes my every being
Right down to the core
Where the light resides
Darkness comes from afar
Only to realize that darkness was always there
Lurking under the light
They cannot exist without one another
There comes a time
When the pain is so unreal
That I take that blade and cut
Now I'm here within these walls
Safety safety is here
I'm left to pounder in the solitude
Am I worth while?
Will things change?
Unable to reach out
I sink to a spiritual low
My mind is swollen with darkness
Shall I take my last breath
Surely this is currently the way
Without light darkness resides
And in that emotions roll on by
Emotional pain
Shakes my every being
As I pounder
What will change
I have changed but I still sink down
Only time now will tell
If I survive or die

Friends

Long ago there was us
Tarnished so
But then we met
Indeed it was meant to be
Tarnished indeed
My soul leads me
To the stars in the night sky
Your warm arms
Soothe me so
A hug for me
A hug to you
Serenity in your arms
As the heart and soul
Burns slowly so
I feel like I lost an eternity
To the sadness but when I met you
You saved me
Friends for life
Friends indeed
Bring the light to the soul
I will stand by you
During tarnished bring of heart and soul
Depression is here and near to us all
But with you my friends I am safe
From the darkness
Because your smile brings light
My arms around you
As you hold me tight
I surrender
With you
Serenity is near and dear
It's no longer a dream
But a reality

Frustration

Frustrated to the max
Why can't I take it
Unable to comprehend hope
On the brink of darkness
Will I take the plunge
I'm trying
If I wasn't
I'd take the blade and slice and dice
To the max
Infection in my skin
Let it run its course
I just want to end it all
But there is little light inside my mind
Deep breaths
In and out
Helps calm the mind
I don't know what to do
Shall I leap to my destiny
In this long battle
A decade has passed
Still no cure
I'm drowning in emotions
They conquer what is left of my heart
So retreat to my solitude
Depression is there
I don't care
Slumber away the day and night
Slumber the depression
So the light can come
Full force
What do while I wait
Take your medication
Even though it doesn't work fully
If it worked then I wouldn't be so tarnished
Railroad to destiny
I finally agree
Hope for today
Even when sanity is away
Insane for now in the cycle of chaos
I wished upon the stars
Will I live again
Or follow the darkness
Only time will tell

The Ward

On this road again
Where am I
But the Ward of 36
Ringing in my ears
Are the echoes of insanity
This place is for healing
Yet I feel so tarnished
I'm broken
Not rebuilding quite yet
Unable to comprehend
I'm still on the rail road heading to the end
The change in Ward is that
Unable to harm
Unable to purge
Unable to cope
What am I
But insane in the membrane
I just want to end it all
But the rules have been set
No self harm
No suicide
After all this unit is meant for us
The broken ones
Ready for recovery
One pill
Two pills
Three and four
Is this what life is about
Struggle to live
I just want to give in
To the desires
Unable to cope
I seclude my self to my room
Slumber comes
Zzzz
Dreams of Bliss
Only to wake in reality
Depression is a strong thing
I just don't have any more skills
And it seems the pills are useless
What to do now
Here I am
Hi I'm borderline
Hi I'm depressed
Hi I'm sorry for the guilt that opens my heart
To those I love, to love myself fully
That is the greater skill
Hi I'm me
Free to be
Even with my disabilities
What is next to do
As I scream
On the inside
As the beast creeps inside me
Ready set go
Time is up
I'm Knocking on heavens door
Help me save me
From this dark insanity
To the path of clarity

Half Way to Sanity

It's getting out of control
Cut into me
Until nothing is left
Misery is my company
I clearly do not care
As each cut brings desires to devour
But I don't
Because I'm half way to sanity
I'm on the road to chaos
The voices echo inside my head
One cut two cut the cut four
When will it stop
When will I love self for eternity
Hear me scream inside the insanity
I don't know what ruptures me
To cut so deeply
The blood swells and flows down my skin
Staining my snow White skin
One two three...
Four five six
Will it ever end
I hurt those so
The hearts that I care for
They care for me
But here I am in my insanity
Hear me
Echoes in the vast abyss
Crying in my heart
Everything brings sadnesses
But even with darkness there is light

Rationalize

Why must I control myself
Unable to rationalize in the moments
That reaches to the soul
Key to my heart
Hear my spirit roar
Unable to want self to recover
Complete defiance
Tears roll down my face
Burning my eyes
Why must it be this way
Yes I have tired
What would that be called
Distraction to justify
A release of issues
Do not grab a tissue
Maybe now that I've been thinking of suicide
Today anyways
Tonight now
Tomorrow
I know I'm worth it
Yet I try to rationalize
To feel
To bend my mind
Mindfulness to the max
Try some DBT they said
Bah whatever been there done that it helps for but seconds on the reel.
Try to cope...

Wrecking havoc

Reckless how can it be
As I stand in solitude
Desperate for each breath I take
I feel as though I may suffocate to the max
Unable to comprehend the hurt I have endured
Unable to flinch at the shining light
As the darkness overcomes the light
Bringeth emptiness within a blink of the eye
I know
That this is my insanity
I wait and wait for the course to change
But I'm rampid on destruction of the heart
Ready my battle scars to bleed
Within the every lasting darkness
Sweep me up
On a railroad to anxiety
My mood is so unstable I do not know what will come of my heart and soul
I wear my badges on my arms to sever my flow
Dare I say
Cycle of chaos
Dare me to live
To breath
To fight to be a champion
Not on this route
Emotional rollercoaster
I been called and sure feels like quite a ride
In every lasting hellfire of the heart
Hurt me so
No I hurt me so
So nothing can hurt me more than self
I can handle anything expect
Loneliness

Let me Be

Send me across the sky
Into the distant stars
I'm a comet ready to soar
dashing by the asteroid belt I am
I gasp as I dash through the distant stars
Wonder where to go from here
I'm running
On a railroad round and round I go
on this emotional roller coaster
its like I light up and the emotions run
From high up to cloud 9
So blissful I am
shooting through the stars
Trying to find serenity
in thy heart it is
But I carry my weapons were ever I go
Even if peace
I show no mercy
For you cannot harm me
I beat you to it
I harm myself
hence being a shooting star
Down I fall as the rollercoaster goes
infinity down below I am burning as I go
I have found my destiny
First
Love self
To love self
is like to love another
Down I go
into the ocean as I burn to a crisp
star I am
Shotting star comet to be in the stars
But I'm a fallen angel
I fell from cloud 9 like it was nothing
am I nothing?
I shine bright
As the night begins to shroud the sunlight
a star within the ocean
calling God
To save me
Deliver from evil
Most of all
the Evil within the hearts of humanity
let us rejoice in one another brethren
Fellowship is needed
into God is one
Will his hand cast down to me
Bringing me to my knees
to Save me up to bring me to my serenity
I plea and plea
for His mercy upon me
but one is needed
A saviour is needed
And truly he was sent
defying evil
Jesus Lord and Savior
The Messiah to us all
In his name we breath
Amen
surrendering is never easy
even within my insanity
I can grasp the light
And with that golden hope
His smile
his kindness
surrounds me
Look at the stars and think of me
Hi
I'm borderline
do not let the labels define me
I am free to be
just BE
and that will be my sanity

2018 spring

I have hit a low these past several weeks I hide it well but my brick wall that protects is crumbling down burying me alive
My thoughts are surrounded by darkness and sweeps in the emotions that leads to emptiness and I just laying in bed trying to sleep yet in the day time I set out missions of freedom to calm me with Bliss these are every day things I do it the meli second
Free me streams inside of my heart and if I have the courage to handle the blade boy oh boy
Truly it will be gone

I confess

It's a never ending war
Here I sit and ponder
As the sky moves the clouds
The wind blows the current in me
Up up to cloud nine
I want to be free
Please God help me I plea and plea
I fall to my knees
I'm free to be me
Hi I'm borderline
Love me
Hate me
Destroy me
Every blow you make to me
Defines me
But I'll tell you
I'll never give up
It's nice to be me
As my emotions run rampid
Bring me to my knees
God oh Almighty
I'm never alone
Even thoughi feel that loneliness
Even when surrounded by those hearts
That heal me, hurt me, define me
But once again I'm free to be me
With my freedom I chose to follow the lord Almighty
Hear my name
I confess
Deaf blind and dumb
I shudder
Only in the darkest hour
Hear thy name
These emotions are lifted from me
By thy power thy love of the king of Kings
He will never leave me
I let that Grace define me
By his Will for me
So at this darkest hour
Light shines on me
I'll never give up
I'm stonger then that old devil
Because hear me roar
I confess from the bottom of the heart
I need him
God the Father Lord of light
With the holy Trinity
His Grace the Holy Spirit
And the heart King of Kings
Jesus
In your name
Amen

Honest Grace

Here I am once again
Standing at a light
A Holiness
That shines through me
I see his hand reach for me
I shudder
Thinking it's his wrathful fist onto my gentle soul
Instead is warm and gentle
Is this what is meant to be loved by thy Lord
I bend my knee to him
Only him
The most high
I whisper in my heart
To him only
Will you heal my tarnished soul
It breaks at every emotion that runs havoc
Only if those I loved dearly
Do I understand now
That it was a test
So I confess to you oh Lord of light
Will you mend my heart and soul
So that I may walk with you and your Grace
Let it consume the darkness
In the dead of night
That whisper into my heart
Breaks me away
From the most high
King of Kings
In his name I praise and pray
Amen

Mila second

As time rolls on by
I feel this sorrow
From deep within my soul
Shall I stand at the edge of life
Pondering
Wondering
It I should take the plunge
It's hard to conquer the darkness
Letting but a glimpse of light in
It's hard to cope
The emptiness settles in the heart
Nothing left for me to feel
Darkness lurks
Just jump
I fight these feelings of desperation
Hoping to grasp the light for but a Mila second
I sit at the edge
Ready to fall
Tears roll down my face
Unbearable they are
Why can't I be stable
Anger within causes blood to boil
I want to slice and dice before my heart rings with echo's of grief
Shall I just end it all
It carry on
Keep on trekking
This soon shall pass
Mila second within the milestone
Happiness is sought

Eternity of rings

Where am I?
How far have I fallen?
Questions ring Within the mind
Ring like a telephone
Echo with thy heart

Nothing gets me down but my emotions
The unsettled emotions I feel

People say that medication is the cure along with therapy
I got no pills but skills and they cure my shills

As I write my heart out
Unsettled I am
How much longer do I have
One pill two pill three pill
I take 16 different pills a day
Hey at least you don't have to take 22
Anymore

Medication is nice
It holds the borderline at the gate
Tears run down my face
Burning my soft skin ever so
Three months to settle in
Three more to wear you out
They stop working for me
And that's when my skills are needed

Where do I go from here
An illusion to the heart
Thinking it's all grand
Lollipops and cakes
But it's lava burning in on my soul
Melting I am

To far to tell where to go from here

So I pondering upon the nights sky
Do I beg thy Lord to save me
No one can
I'm railroad to diaster

But I am at the eye of the storm
Calm as she blows
I'm stuck here for eternity
My soul is gone
Not yet dead
Not yet alive
Purgatory blows my mind

But I try
Try try try
Again
Try try try
Again
It's the cycle from chaos to Bliss

Hold on to your hope
Your sanity is near it

Smile

Smile is a kindness and good deed
But do you see pass my smile indeed
I'm tarnished
I bleed
And slice away
Always wanting more
Let's dig deeper
Past the smile
Peer into my soul
As though it is a telescope into the Galaxy of emotion
One teardrop drops down creating a planet as though it is nothing the emotions Roll On by as the asteroid drifts
Smile they say
I try
I wear my heart on my sleeve
Chaos underneath my destiny
My face it far from the Bliss before
As tears stream down
I want nothing but to die
Scream
I'm silent
Is this my fate
I dreamed upon the nights sky
Until the next smile...